CHAPTER 25
TRENT
Journal Entry- Day 730
Hi Freckles,
Two years. It has been two whole years without you. A lot has happened since you left, and not all of it has been good. But it’s been a work in progress.
I’m still writing to you everyday. Some letters are shorter than others, but it won’t matter because you’ll never get to read them. I update you on every moment of my life, because for some reason I need to lay it all out to you like this.
Adam asked me to be his business partner, so now I’m half owner of a fence company. In all the dreams and goals I've had in life–and haven’t reached–this is one I never anticipated. I never thought I would have an opportunity like this. But for some reason he took a chance on me. It’s been the most rewarding job too, even if I don’t get to work on job sites anymore.
I bought a new truck, a brand new one. Less than twenty-five miles when I test drove it, and I wish you would have been here to see it for yourself. It’s going to make my life so much easier when I need to haul stuff, but I’m going to miss the car that holds so many of our memories in it. Don’t worry, I didn’t sell it. It’s currently in my garage.
I also moved out of the apartment. I packed all of our stuff and moved it into a new house. You’ll get a kick out of the next sentence, because I bought the house right next to Mitch’s. It was for a dual purpose. I needed a clean slate. It wasn’t doing me any favors to be in a place we once shared. Being closer to Mitch was a must. It’s not something I want you to have to worry about, but fuck. I need you, Ki. Mitch needs you. We can’t do this without you.
I know I can’t ask you to come home, not now. Not ever.
You started posting pictures with a new man and he makes you smile. The dimple in your chin is so adorable I could cry from the sight.
Last week, he took you out on a date. You vlogged it. It was a beautiful candlelit dinner, with a snippet of your bouquet of flowers and a box of expensive chocolates. I know they were expensive because I googled the name.
It was everything you deserved, and I am so glad you finally have someone to give you that.
You’re going to think I’m crazy, but I stalk the pictures of the two of you now. You cut your curls back, so they look more tamed. Framing your face and giving you a more sophisticated air, so different from the curly-haired wild child that used to ride in the front seat in my car and belt out the lyrics to all his favorite songs.
Your boyfriend is objectively handsome, as much as I hate to admit it. Blond hair, blue eyes, muscular body, and tanned skin that he oils up for the pictures he posts for his fans. He looks like the all American guys we would stare at on the cover of the magazines in the checkout lines at grocery stores. At least you upgraded from me, I guess. No matter how much the thought kills me.
You’ve been teasing snippets of content between the two of you and I can feel the bone deep ache inside of me. I still watch every small moment, like a masochist, as soon as you post it. It’s fucked up for me to admit, but the idea of you having sex and moving on with someone else doesn’t hurt me as much as the past year has, since I was constantly worrying about you being lonely. I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
I want to say this will be my last letter, because pining for you isn’t good for me. Karuna actually voiced her concerns about my slight obsession. No matter how many times I blew it off, she insisted that I don’t write to you anymore. She doesn’t hate you, or me. But she’s very blunt, and she knows when to call people out on their bullshit. I’m extremely grateful for it, because it’s something I’ve always needed. She holds me accountable.
Maybe in another life, I would have met her sooner, and she could have fixed me. And we could still be together. But that’s wishful thinking. I just wish… I don’t know. All I do know is whatever you do, I want you to be happy. I want you to chase happiness full force and never let the darkness close in on you. No one is more worthy of the sun, no one is more worthy than you.
I love you Kian, I always have and I always will.
In this life and every one after.
I love you. Yesterday. Today. Always.
Yours forever,
Trent.