Unfix Me

Chapter 14

Sen

As soon as I closed the door, I lost my strength. I leaned a hand on the wall before I lowered myself to the ground.

Why had I said that to him? I felt so good with him this morning. Too good. There were friends I’d known for years who didn’t feel the way Kai did. They hadn’t done the things he had or shared such personal things with me. They didn’t invite me to a game, reserve a seat, and hand write a note. Who does that?

My panic threatened to take over and I knew that once it did that, there would be no stopping what happened. I had to cut off that thing that was sprouting in my chest. If I didn’t, it would grow past the point I’d ever let it. I couldn’t do that.

It was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

This was wrong.

He was wrong.

I was wrong.

If there was a god, why had he made me this way, knowing how much I would suffer for it? I wanted to be free, but that required letting myself be who I was. It was a conundrum that couldn’t be solved.

Stay vigilant. Pray. Remember Travis. Think about how the world will see you. Remember that you can’t find true happiness.

I hated all of those teachings. Every day, they made less sense. If I let myself think about it, I didn’t want to keep fighting, but I didn’t know how to stop. It was drilled into me so thoroughly that pushing at the door flooded me with anxiety and nausea.

I remembered the things they’d done to cause that. Aversion therapy. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be. When I first came home from Camp Dumont, I could hardly look at my own dick while I took a piss without feeling sick. I mostly stopped using social media because at some point, there would be something that triggered that feeling again. An ad or a post from a friend. It didn’t matter.

Through all of my spiraling thoughts, I kept coming back to those green eyes. With a fierce shake of my head, I threw open the door and walked the two feet over to his. I didn’t hesitate to knock and when I had the urge to run, I imagined cementing my feet to the floor.

There was movement on the other side and I took a step back. The cement must’ve still been wet because my feet were heavy, but not locked into place. I darted to the left and rushed through my door, slamming it closed behind me. My chest was heaving. Pulling out my phone, I forced myself to call the last person I had any interest in talking to.

“This is Derek Hamilton,” he answered in his too chipper tone.

“It’s Sen Taylor.”

“Oh, Sen. It’s so great to hear from you. I’ve been thinking about our session yesterday.”

“Yeah, I need to come in again.”

“Alright. Do you have a particular day-”

“Now.”

There was a beat of silence. “You do realize it’s eight on a Saturday, right?”

“Please, I… If I stay here, I’m gonna do something wrong.”

“Okay. I’ll be in the office in about thirty minutes.”

“Thank you.”

I held the phone to my chest and blew out a relieved breath. Everything would be okay. Derek would know how to fix this. He’d get me back on track and I was sure he’d agree with my decision to set boundaries with Kai.

The thought of what I said to him made my chest constrict. In some stupid way, going to Derek felt like a betrayal. What if I’d just waited for Kai to open the door?

It was too late now. He’d probably ignore me if I knocked again. Instead of dwelling on what-ifs, I pulled a sweatshirt over my head and slipped on my comfortable sneakers. Hopefully, walking in the evening wasn’t too dangerous out here.

*****

In big block letters, the whiteboard read Asset Demand For Money. I’d read the chapters, but I was a little confused about the actual terms. I didn’t know if my head wasn’t in it or if I was just stupid when it came to the business world. I definitely wasn’t feeling any sort of passion for anything we’d learned so far.

I didn’t feel passion at all. Since I saw Derek three days ago, I’d been hit with worsening depression. He’d given me a disappointed look when I told him what I’d almost done. It was the same one my father tortured me with. For an entire six months when I was thirteen, it was the only expression I’d seen on him when he looked at me. It only disappeared after I got back from camp, polished and good as new.

Bitterness crawled up my throat. I may not feel passion or joy right now, but that was something that had been growing. Even though me and Derek had a long talk and I felt better when I left his office, it was short-lived. It was as if once I returned to this environment and I was away from him or my parents, all the things they said made less sense.

Maybe my dad was right. This place could infect my mind.

Or he was wrong. Maybe he infected my mind.

How was I supposed to know?

I wanted to be a good son. I wanted to make him proud, have a normal wedding, and give him grandchildren. The last bit was a little iffy, but it was supposed to be the natural progression of life. It was one of the key points they preached about at Camp Dumont. It was written into nature. Why would we try to go against that?

That didn’t feel as important to me now. People chose not to have kids and that was okay. What was the difference?

“You guys killed it in the game against Northwestern yesterday,” someone behind me said.

“We’re gonna do it again on Thursday. Michigan doesn’t stand a chance.”

My gut clenched when I heard Kai’s voice. He sounded so normal while I was over here having a whole crisis. But why wouldn’t he? I was just one guy he now saw as a bigot. He had a hundred other people who accepted him for who he was. In the grand scheme of things, I was nothing.

“I’ll be cheering you on from the stands,” the other guy said, his tone changing in a way that made me turn around.

He was leaning close to Kai and I could’ve sworn his eyes were sparkling. Kai’s face was an unreadable mask and no matter how thoroughly I searched it, I couldn’t figure out what he thought about the guy who was flirting with him. His gaze raised, finding mine, and I immediately turned back around. Thankfully, the professor stood from his desk and put his hands on top of it.

“Please tell me everyone read the chapter. Show of hands if you didn’t.”

A few tentative arms raised in the air. His eyes narrowed as he looked at each person. I was glad I’d forced myself to read it because that wasn’t a glare I wanted to find myself under.

“Everyone who read it, form a line up here. I’m going to ask you a question to prove that you’re not lying. If you’re right, you get to leave.”

People got to their feet so quickly, it sounded like a stampede. I was near the front of the line, shifting on my feet. Even though I read the chapter, I was worried about getting it wrong.

“Wanna get lunch after this?” Kasey whispered from behind me.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Lunch was just code for hanging out.”

“Um…”

The person in front of me walked out the door, so I moved up to Professor Montaghue.

“Sen, right?” I nodded. “Alright. In the U.S., what does the money supply include?”

I rolled my lips as I tried to recall the chapter. If only he’d allow me to pull out my notes.

“Coins, paper currency…”

“One more.”

“Checkable deposits?”

“See you tomorrow, Sen.”

I all but bolted out the door. I didn’t slow and found myself glancing behind me a couple of times. It was stupid and rude to avoid Kasey, but I wasn’t in the mood for company. There wasn’t a good excuse, so I reverted to my usual method. Cut and run. Just like I did with Kai when things got complicated.

Stop thinking about Kai. That shouldn’t have been so damn hard.

On top of everything else, my phone rang. I saw that it was my mom and even though I knew that I should answer it, I couldn’t right now.

“Sen!”

West’s voice made me stop abruptly. He jogged over to me with a smile on his face. I struggled to hide my shock. We hadn’t spoken since before I worked with Kai at the ice rink and I’d one hundred percent assumed that he’d hate me now.

“Hey, West.”

He wrapped me in a tight hug and let out a long groan. “You coming to the game Thursday?”

“Dunno. Haven’t thought about it.”

“What, no special seat this time?” His wink made me grind my teeth.

“Doubt it.”

“Something’s wrong. Spill.”

“Look, I’m not really in the mood right now. I think I need to take a nap.”

“Naps are good for the grumpy soul. Speaking of grumpy… Hey, Kai!”

He waved his hand in the air as he stared over my shoulder. I ducked my head and brushed past him hurriedly.

Running again. Like a coward. Pathetic.

What I wanted to do was stick my head in the sand and never let myself see the sun again. I went for the next best thing and climbed into bed with the covers completely cocooning me.

In here, I was safe. Nobody could see the thoughts written across my face or try to dig out the dirty things inside of me. I wanted them all to stay put, never to meet the open air.

It was a fantasy. I was quickly unraveling, becoming a victim of my selfish desires.

Kai. He was in my head. Those green eyes haunted me when I closed my eyes. All it took was his voice today to make me almost cave. Then, he looked at me. And I’d seen nothing there. It hurt, which was enough to confirm that I was well and truly fucked.