Chapter 15

Sen

The fact that I’d been leaving extra early was probably concerning. I knew that Kai generally walked out the door about ten minutes before Montaghue’s class. The idea of running into him in the hall and feeling that awkward desperation to talk to him made me want to bang my head against a wall.

Worse, part of me wanted to run into him. I’d gone so far as to look for a reason to say something. Maybe he’d share his notes from class, although he sat in the back, so he knew that I took my own notes. If he paid attention, which he probably didn’t.

I was sick.

I was sick and I was in treatment.

That was what Derek reminded me of over the weekend. He showed me a picture of his family. They were all smiling and he boasted about how happy they were. I wanted to be happy too. He said that I couldn’t be unless I got better.

It wasn’t hitting the same as when I was at camp. Maybe it was because I wasn’t immersed in it. I couldn’t be at all times, so there had to be a way to keep myself on track while I lived in the real world.

After class, I went directly to the cafeteria. I hadn’t eaten much in the past couple of days, but I knew that I needed to try. The mind couldn’t work if I didn’t stay healthy.

Brooks saw me and waved me over. Kai was there too, sitting beside him, but West was absent. I wondered if he was okay. Last week, he’d been a little glum and he wouldn’t tell me what was going on, but I didn’t think it was just a passing thing. I recognized the distant look in his eyes. It mirrored what I felt right now- a long-standing concern that was out of your hands and gradually wore you down.

It was a bad idea, but I joined Brooks at the table. Kai glanced up briefly but otherwise didn’t acknowledge me.

That’s a good thing, I reminded myself.

“You look tired,” Brooks noted.

I forced a laugh. “Aren’t we all?”

“Sure, but you look more on the verge of death than most of us.”

Kai perched his chin on one hand and studied me. A lump formed in my throat under his stare. It felt sort of aggressive, honestly.

“Just not sleeping well,” I muttered.

“Stressed?” Kai prodded.

“Since I was born.”

He smiled a little. “You should find an outlet.”

“Like what?”

“Sex,” Brooks answered, waggling his brows. “Or a rage room. I don’t know which is better, actually.”

“Probably the rage room.”

“There’s one in the city that has ax throwing. That’s something I can get behind.”

“It’s not a half-bad idea.”

“How do you de-stress, Kai? Ice skating?”

He smirked at Brooks. “I liked your first option.” His gaze shifted to me. “Lots and lots of sex.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled out my water bottle. As I took a long drink from it, he continued to watch me. I’d thought we were mostly fine. He offered to drive me to the rink for work and it had been awkward but tolerable the couple of times we’d done it. It had seemed like we’d be able to exist around each other, even if we weren’t friends. Now, it felt like he was taunting me.

Maybe he’d gotten bitter after he thought about it more. I knew that I’d been a dick and it was messed up to stop being someone’s friend, regardless of what Derek said. Kai claimed that he wasn’t offended, but it sure looked like he was.

“I think it’s a healthier outlet than some others,” I said casually.

“Kind of depends on who it’s with. Some people are boring. Unimaginative.”

“Sounds like you’ve been with your fair share.”

He snorted. “I’m only nineteen, you know, and I’m not going around banging every guy who’s willing. I have standards.”

“Like that guy, Parker?” Brooks asked.

“No. He flirts, but we’re not like that.”

“You might be cute together.”

“This might surprise you, but I’m more of a relationship guy and I wouldn’t date him. I’d at least like it to be a possibility, even if it doesn’t actually end up happening.”

“Hm. I like that. For jocks, you and West don’t seem to be douchebags like some of the others.”

“And for a pre-law student, you don’t act like a stuck-up snob,” Kai returned before popping a chicken nugget into his mouth. “If you were into men, I might even put you in the ‘maybe’ category.”

Brooks’ cheeks darkened a little and he laughed nervously. “Well, I swing both ways, but I’m not looking right now, so keep those hands to yourself.”

Kai’s brow went up as he noticeably checked him out. “Alright, Brooks. I see you and I respect that you know what you want.”

I was so goddamn uncomfortable. Two out of my three friends- if you could call Kai that- were into guys. How the hell did I end up here? As I studied Brooks, I tried to decide how I felt about this new information. I didn’t think it bothered me, but it should have. Just having Kai close to me made alarm bells go off in my head.

Maybe it was because I didn’t have those thoughts about him. He was attractive, which was already too much for me to notice, but he didn’t make my heart race or my skin warm. When his brown eyes landed on me, I didn’t forget how to breathe.

“You ready for our ethics test tomorrow?” Brooks asked.

I shrugged. “Probably. The study guide was long, but it doesn’t seem too hard.”

“I haven’t even looked at it. Guess I should go do that.” He got to his feet and stretched his arms above his head. “You kids have fun. Maybe deal with whatever weird tension is going on between you. It makes my joints hurt.”

“Your joints?”

“I don’t know, man. It just does. Like when someone can feel rain coming in their knee.”

“What does that even mean?” Kai mumbled, seemingly to himself.

As soon as Brooks was gone, I became too aware of the beating of my heart. It might drive me mad, the constant rush of blood that I could hear, and my fear that he could hear it too. I’d obviously read too much Poe in my life.

I shoved my water bottle into my backpack and struggled to zip it. There were things I needed to work on anyway.

“So, you’re just gonna run when we’re alone,” Kai noted when I began to stand. He was looking at his phone on the table and his expression was unnervingly blank.

“I have homework.”

With his face still angled down, he looked up at me through his lashes. “Why are you so afraid of me, Sen?”

“I’m not.”

“You’re afraid of something. It’s written all over your face. You’re not dumb enough to think that you can somehow ‘catch the gay’ from me and you didn’t give Brooks the same nauseated look you always direct at me.”

“I guess I’m just a shitty person,” I clipped before I turned around and stormed out of the cafeteria. I was barely outside when a bruising grip appeared on my arm.

Kai turned me around and thrust me against the wall. He crossed his arms over his chest, fixing me with a glare that matched the anger I was feeling. His green eyes were dark and the shadows from the building made him look like some avenging angel ready to smite me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he demanded.

I scoffed. “Me? You’re the one trying to piss me off.”

“To do that, I’d have to give a shit first.”

“So, talking about all of your sexual escapades with men wasn’t a way to taunt me because of my opinions about your lifestyle?” I asked incredulously.

“If you thought it was, it’s possible you’re reading into things. Have you ever considered that I, and people like me, just don’t give a shit about what you think about our lives?”

Leaning closer, I tried not to get lost in his scent. His fierce expression wavered and just for a second, I imagined that his breaths became uneven.

“I don’t care that Brooks is bi,” I said. “Maybe it’s just you that bothers me.”

When I shoved his chest, he narrowed his eyes. “In my experience, some of the angriest homophobes are severely repressed.” He stepped closer, grabbing my biceps so that I couldn’t strike at him. “Tell me, Seneca.” His face got so close to mine that I couldn’t bring myself to take a breath. “Do you hate me because you’ve thought about me naked?”

I wanted to say something mean or clever, but he was already walking away.

Instead of dwelling on it, I headed toward the dorms. Maybe I did need an outlet. Ax throwing didn’t sound like the right idea, although my dad would think it was a good activity for a man. It just wasn’t enough.

Sex seemed to win the popular vote.

*****

When I had sex in the past, it was either initiated by my girlfriend at the time or it just happened. I didn’t go out seeking it and I sure as hell didn’t text someone to invite them over.

As I sat on the bed with Kasey, I felt more than awkward. This felt scheduled, like an appointment. I hadn’t told her what I wanted, but I hoped that if we hung out alone, things might go in that direction.

What was the etiquette for this? It was pathetic that I didn’t know.

She was talking about photography, technical things that I didn’t understand. I’d been listening politely and interjecting with questions that were meant to betray my interest. It wasn’t a subject I cared about, but she was obviously passionate about it.

When it got quiet, we both just stared at each other. This felt like the make-it or break-it moment. I had to make a move, otherwise I’d miss it.

Swallowing hard, I inched forward. A soft smile settled on her lips before she met me in the middle. And I just… couldn’t. But I kept going anyway.

I pushed my fingers into her hair and held her against me. A surprised grunt came from my throat when she climbed onto my lap, one leg on each side of me. Her hips rolled at the same time that she pushed her tongue into my mouth.

Both of those things should’ve turned me on. I knew that. Knowing it and feeling it were two very different things.

In romances, people always got lost in each other. They kissed, then went into a frenzy and had to keep touching, licking, feeling. I went through the motions of kissing, but there was nothing driving me. It was all a conscious effort that already felt exhausting. If she did want to have sex, my dick would have to be coaxed with a lot more than her heat as she wiggled in my lap.

It was worse this time than the others. I wasn’t just uninterested; I felt uncomfortable. The need for escape arose fiercely and with every touch, I sunk into a sense of wrongness. This wasn’t supposed to feel wrong. Being with a man should.

Why the hell was I so broken? I just wanted my body to work right. I hated this. I hated myself right now, more wholly than I ever had.

“Hey,” I said, pulling back. I gripped her shoulder to keep her at a distance. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel that great. Do you think we can pick this up later?”

She bit her lip for a moment before she nodded. “Okay. Are you sick?”

“Maybe. I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s probably catching up with me.”

“I’ll be pretty busy this weekend with practice and I have a project to get done.”

“Text me when you’re free and we’ll figure it out.”

With an awkward smile, she grabbed her stuff and left. I felt like an asshole. Using her to try fixing myself wasn’t cool, but I was at my wit’s end.

Lying on my back, I stared up at the popcorn ceiling. I didn’t remember if I’d taken my meds today and I couldn’t bring myself to care. If I couldn’t get myself together, what did I even have to look forward to? Every day would be hard and I just didn’t see myself finding happiness the way Derek had.

Those smiling fucking faces. Maybe it was all a ruse, a mask they all pulled on in the presence of a professional photographer to convince not only others but also themselves. I knew that if it was me, I’d be faking it. And that future sounded worse than death.

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