Chapter 20
TWENTY
“Shit, do you think we should replace this couch?” Cole ran his hand over his face. “I don’t know if she’s going to like this. Maybe we should have gotten a sleeper?”
I chuckled as I leaned against the wall, watching my friend as he spun out for the fifth time today. For the two weeks since we’d returned from Texas, Alex and Cole had been working overtime to transform the loft above the main lodge into an apartment for Victoria and Emilia. Although Tori was cool with staying in the same cabin and sharing a bed with her daughter, Cole insisted on creating a space just for them. The loft had been sitting empty since they bought the place. It was initially designed for a groundskeeper or manager, but with Alex and Cole’s house so close, they never felt the need to use it. I smiled; maybe it had been waiting for Victoria and Emilia all this time.
But because it had been empty for almost a decade, it needed a lot of work before anyone could live here. When they began, the walls were covered with warped wood panels, and everything else was a muted shade of mustard. Spiders the size of my hand had turned the bathroom into their personal paradise. But over the past two weeks, they’d made it into a home.
The living room felt light and airy, borrowing from their favorite elements of each of the cabins. The walls were painted white, with wooden and black accents. The kitchen had been updated with sleek light gray cabinets and a Beachwood island in the middle.
But the show stoppers were the bedrooms, especially the smaller one on the right-hand side. I took exceptional pride in the room we’d created for Emilia, with shades of purple covering every surface. Alex had asked some of the moms in town and gotten her replicas of some of her favorite toys back home, including a small table for her to host many tea parties. A slow smile crept over my lips at the thought, oddly hopeful I’d receive another invitation.
Alex came up behind Cole, rubbing her hands along his back. “Everything looks great, baby. She’s going to love it.”
“I hope so,” he muttered, pulling her to his side. “I just want them to be comfortable.”
“How could they not be?” I chuckled, walking around the space one more time. “You’ve done everything to make sure they’ll love it. And knowing Victoria, the best thing you can do is let her and Emilia make it their own, even if it’s just for a short time.”
Alex shot me a look that made me uneasy, as if she could feel the weight of my words. Even if I tried to play it off, Cole wasn’t the only nervous one. Victoria and I had talked every day since we left Texas, but my nerves were quickly fraying. I was dying to see her again without a screen in front of us. I wanted to do a whole lot more than that, if I was being honest. And while I loved getting to know her better, I was spending more time with my left hand than ever before. Shit, was she feeling this too? Was she craving my touch as much as I did hers? With every stroke of my hand, I imagined it was hers, dreaming up her mouth taking my cock. Fuck. I shifted, trying to hide my thoughts from my friends. How the fuck did this girl do this to me? She wasn’t even in the same state, and I was hard as a rock just thinking about her.
However, as much as I wanted her, I also wanted so much more. She was sweet, kind, and so bright, it scared me. She’d shown me some of her school assignments, and the way her brain worked out problems amazed me. But with every step we took forward, it felt like it still wasn’t enough. Even though I had spelled out my intentions to her, she was still playing things close to the chest, and I had no idea what was going through her mind.
Pulling myself out of that thought spiral, I glanced at my watch. “Shit, I gotta head out. I’m supposed to meet with Dr. Kedir in half an hour.”
“How’s that going?” Cole asked.
Even though I hadn’t told them the reasons behind my therapy appointments, I was open about the fact that I was going, at least with them. They’d been my biggest supporters for months, encouraging me to seek help when the thoughts in my head got too loud. And maybe one day, I’d explain the whole situation, but not today.
“It’s going well,” I said. “Doc’s helping me work through my block with acting, and she seems hopeful I’ll be able to get back to it soon.”
“Good.” Cole nodded. “I’m glad to hear you’re not giving it up for good.”
“And stop gracing the world with this handsome face?” I smirked. “Not a chance. ”
Alex rolled her eyes and came to my side. “C’mon, ego-maniac. I’ll walk you out.”
We walked down the steps in silence, Alex waiting until we got outside to speak. She looked up at me with an open expression, one that had only started when Cole came into her life. While I always admired Alex’s strength, it was no secret that she hid behind iron-reinforced walls. Only after letting herself fall in love did they start to fade away with everyone else as well.
“I’m worried about you, Adam.”
My jaw tensed, and I hated she could see through my false smile. “There's no reason to be, I promise. I’m doing better.”
She crossed her arms around her chest, leaning against the wooden support on the side of the porch. “I know you are, and for what it’s worth, I’m really proud of you for taking these steps.”
“But?”
“But…” She sighed. “This thing with Victoria is complicated.”
I shook my head, “Nothing is going on. I’m just happy she’s coming to visit Cole.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Rice,” she laughed. “We both know you did not spend hours painting purple walls because it would make Cole happy. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other; it’s clear there’s something there.”
I clenched my teeth, already knowing where this was going. “Look, if you’re afraid I’m going to hurt her?—”
“I’m worried about you .”
My eyes snapped to her, reading the concern written in her own. Alex continued, “I like Victoria, and I think you two could be really good together, but you have to admit, this is complicated. ”
“And?”
“And I’m not saying don’t go for it. God knows if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you. But just promise me you’ll take your time. I don’t want you to be hurt when she goes back home, and there are more hearts at stake than just yours and hers.” She placed her hand on my arm. “Make sure this is what you really want before diving into the deep end.”
As Alex went back inside, I stayed on the porch. I needed to leave if I wanted to get to the other side of town in time, but her words stilled my steps. As much as it pained me to say it, Alex was right. I was willingly free-falling into this girl, and there was so much more at stake than just me.
And I started to doubt I was worth the risk.
Even after settling in at Dr. Kedir’s office, Alex’s words still echoed in my mind. The entire drive over here, I’d run through every scenario, wondering if it was a mistake to bring Victoria into my world. It was unpredictable and often unstable. I was lucky I’d had some success and made enough investments to keep me going, but how long would it last? Acting was my only true career, and now, I wasn’t even doing that. Even without that, my dating reputation would always be a red flag. Was that why she was holding back? I tried to explain the media’s commentary, but what if it wasn’t enough for her? If you looked at my track record, I wasn’t a safe bet, not for a mom with a kid to think about.
Dr. Kedir shuffled in her chair. “Anything you want to talk about today, Adam?”
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees. My legs shook restlessly, unable to quiet the doubts in my mind. “I decided to take your advice. I spent more time with Victoria and talked to her about what’s been going on. And we…” I scoffed. “We kissed before she left.”
“And now?” Dr. Kedir asked, failing to hide her slow smile.
“I’m not sure. Things are kind of up in the air. But Victoria’s coming to stay for a while, so our paths are going to cross again.”
She nodded, leaning back to look at me. “And how do you feel about this development?”
“I was excited, but now, I’m not so sure,” I answered honestly. “Even since Tori left, it’s felt like there’s a void in my life. But at the same time, I’m feeling really fucking nervous.”
“Why?”
I ran my hands over my face. “She was here for a week. Six fucking days, Doc. And I’m already acting like this? What’s going to happen after a month?” I shook my head. “And now there’s her daughter to think about.”
She nodded, jotting something on her notepad. “That definitely adds another layer of complication.”
“Hell yeah, it does,” I sighed. “If you had asked me before this, I would have never thought about dating someone with a kid. And a part of me still thinks it might be too much to take on. I don’t want to let Victoria down, so maybe I should just walk away before anything really starts between us.” I stared at my hands, clenching them. “Even though I know it’s bullshit, I keep thinking about my reputation, what it would mean for her to get involved with me. Even if Cole’s cool with it, which I doubt, is she going to be able to handle what it means to really be with me? The media? The fans? The articles that take minuscule crumbs and make them into the end of the fucking world?” With each word, my anger rose, hating that this was a part of my existence. And while it wasn’t a part of my life here, if I went back to my real world, it could tear us apart. “I’m being fucking selfish.”
“And how does that make you feel? The idea of walking away from her?”
“Like I’m going to be sick.” Even saying the words made a stone drop into my stomach. “I’ve always followed my gut, and it’s telling me that this could be something. Something real. Not just for show and not something that only lasts for a night or two. Being around her makes me feel better. I thought being around Emilia would scare me, but it’s the opposite. We’re still getting to know each other, but she’s so damn funny. Completely filter-free. The two of them make me laugh.” I watched Dr. Kedir study me. “Tell me what to do, Doc.”
“I think you already know what you want to do. And I think right now, the best thing you can do is follow that feeling. But…” She smiled softly at me. “I can understand the pressure you’re feeling. Dating a single parent brings its own set of challenges.” She placed her notepad on her side table and leaned closer toward me. “My best advice? Take it day by day. Talk to Victoria and let her decide how to proceed with her daughter. Find out her boundaries, especially when it comes to the media. Yes, your life is different than most, but there are examples of families thriving despite outside pressure. For now, get to know each other and enjoy their time here.”
“And you think that’ll work?”
She smiled at me. “I’m your therapist, Adam, not a psychic. No one knows what the future holds. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it.”
I nodded, leaning back on the couch, and ran my hands over the velvet material. Dr. Kedir studied me, probably waiting for a response.
But I didn’t have one.
Dr. Kedir tapped her pen on the pad, bringing me back to the present. “I’m happy to hear you’re taking steps to reclaim your life and that you’re giving some thought to what it will be like when you return to acting. Have you thought about talking to Theo? Maybe taking on a new project?”
My skin prickled at the thought, but it wasn’t unpleasant, not like it was before. It was more like an energy rushing through my veins, making me desperate to get back in front of the camera. It wasn’t the same rush or roar as before, more like a house cat than a lion, but it was there for the first time in a long time.
But I still shook my head. “I’m getting there. Still not a hundred percent ready yet, but I’m feeling closer than I was before.”
“And the letters?” She looked up at me, knowing I needed the push to talk about this subject. She asked every time we met, though luckily, the answer was the same.
“Nothing, not even an email.” I shrugged. “Maybe they moved on to someone else.”
Dr. Kedir smiled, but it didn’t hold the same weight as before. “I wish I could agree, but in my professional opinion, that’s not likely. I want you to remain vigilant, Adam. And if they start again, I would encourage you to file a complaint with the police or at least hire some outside security.”
“No,” I said. “I’m not bringing outsiders here, making people feel unsafe. If it starts again, we’ll go from there, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. It’s been almost four months. Before, I was getting messages every other hour. I’m going to choose to believe it’s over.”
Dr. Kedir nodded, but I didn’t miss the hint of doubt in her eyes. “For your sake, Adam, I truly hope you’re right.”