Until Then (The Blue Collar Boys #1)

30. Greer

30

Greer

M y room is bathed in a hazy, golden light. Sutton is squished into my side, legs entwined with mine. Navy is turned away from me with her butt tucked against my thigh. The fan spins above me like the hand on a clock.

1 year.

365 days.

52 weeks.

8,760 hours.

Death irrevocably changed my life in a matter of seconds and now 35,536,000 have since ticked by. Many of those, I spent in denial. How could he be gone? Others I spent in shock. What happened to me? Countless more I spent frozen, unable to move beyond. Then, there are the ones I spent pretending everything was okay even though I was dying inside.

I couldn’t tell you when things changed. Maybe it’s not even important, except for the simple fact that they did. I changed. And now . . .

Here I am.

“Jesus,” Navy says, kicking off the covers. “You’re like an inferno. I'm burning up.”

I giggle and manage to whisper, “Well, be thankful you don’t have Sutton using you as a real-life body pillow.” Navy looks over her shoulder, eyes going wide, and bursts out in a fit of giggles.

“Why are you two so loud?” Sutton mumbles. “It’s early.”

“What time is it anyway?” Navy asks.

Sliding out from Sutton’s grasp, I wiggle my way out of the covers, sitting at the foot of the bed. “My guess would be six a.m.”

Behind me, Navy shuffles to the edge of the bed to grab her phone. “How do you do that?”

I laugh. “Natural gift. I’m going to make coffee.”

“Hey, wait.” Sutton sits up, grabbing my shoulder. “How are you?”

How am I? A question I dreaded any time it was asked over the last twelve months. But now?

“I’m good,” I say.

Duke meets me by our bedroom door, and we walk to the back door. The sky is filled with fluffy gray clouds, bright-blue sky peeking through every now and then. All the flowers I’ve planted enjoy their last blooms before fall.

Duke doesn’t hesitate as he dashes into the yard, making quick circles that get bigger with each lap. I stifle a laugh when he slips on the dew-covered grass and goes sliding. He instantly recovers and sprints back to me. Old dog, my ass.

Gliding across the lawn to my favorite spot, my feet sink deep into the soft grass. The once-vibrant sea of wildflowers are beginning to fade as fall makes its quiet approach. A small giggle escapes as I realize it’s almost time to mow again. Before me lies the lush green preserve, a gentle breeze whistling through the branches and rustling my nightgown.

“Beautiful.” I take flight— Luke.

“Hey, you.”

He steps behind me, his warmth seeping through my thin gown and settling deep in my bones. His hands slip around my hips, linking together over my lower stomach, and his chin rests in the dip of my shoulder.

“I’ll never get sick of this view.” He kisses me on the side of my neck. Any tension I may have had disappears instantly.

“Oh yeah?”

“I still remember that first morning I saw you out here. Just like this.” He slides his hand down and jostles my pale purple nightgown. “I think I loved you then.”

Leaning over, I kiss his stubble-covered cheek. Having not had a decent shower in a week, he reeks like smoke.

“I thought you were working?”

“I was, but I told them I had somewhere to be today.” The weight of him, holding me close and pressing into my body, soothes me.

“Thank you.” I bury my face in the slope of his neck.

“No thank yous needed. I got you.”

I know. “The girls are inside,” I say. “You want breakfast?”

“You bet your ass I do if you and Navy are making it. Let me go shower first, yeah?”

“Of course.” I seal my lips over his.

“God, I love you so fucking much. Do you know that?”

“I do.” Tears cloud my vision. “I don’t know why or how I’ve gotten to love two incredible men, but I’ll never stop being grateful. Thank you, Luke, for loving me like you do. I hope you know how much I love you .”

He pulls away, creating space between our bodies, and cradles my face in his large, calloused hands. “I do know. And I'm the luckiest man in the world to be loved by you.”

Navy and Sutton are already up and rummaging around my kitchen. I sidle up to the counter and seat myself on a barstool. I’ll happily let them take care of me today.

“Okay, G,” Sutton says, “coffee is brewing. I’m going to take a shower.” She makes for the guest bathroom.

“Hey,” Navy says, “get your cute butt in here and help me whip up some food.”

Not one to deny Navy’s commands, I do just that. We work side by side in perfect synchronization. She makes a batch of cinnamon rolls while I throw together a quiche.

“It smells so good in here.” Luke enters in the back door and immediately heads toward the coffee. He’s fresh from his shower in a T-shirt, jeans, and his boots. His beard is trimmed up, and I internally groan in delight. It’s not every day I get lumberjack Luke.

“Hey, big bro.” Sutton exits my guest bath, looking immaculate as always in jean shorts and a flowy top. “What is that smell? I want to eat the air; it smells so good.”

“Just a little breakfast we whipped up.” Navy pokes my side as she exits the kitchen to get ready.

“Just a little something” Sutton mimics. “Yeah, right.” I can feel Sutton’s eye roll from here.

“I don’t know, Greer,” Luke says. “Maybe you missed your calling and should go into the restaurant business with Navy, instead of educating the youth of America.”

“I used to want to be a chef when I was younger,” I say.

“And?” Sutton asks. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, actually. I guess maybe I thought that was a pipe dream and I needed to get an actual job.”

“You ever think about giving it a go?” Luke says, seating himself in his chair at my table. In my mind, I see flashes of our moments in this kitchen. The smirk on his face tells me he knows exactly where my mind went.

I sip on my coffee and pull out a chair. “If the right opportunity came along, yeah, I think I would. Any news on Ground Up, Navy?”

She mumbles to herself before finally saying, “I still need a financial partner. But Mr. Jones said he’d let me take over and stay on as a silent partner until I can buy him out.”

“Navy,” I say, “that’s amazing. Even if it’s not exactly what you wanted. It'll work out eventually.”

“You’re not wrong,” she says. “And if you ever think about getting into the restaurant business . . .”

“You’ll be the first to know.” I smile at her, trying to picture myself leaving the classroom. I’ve had a lot of change over the past year, I think I’ll give it a while longer before possibly adding career shift to the list.

We spend the morning together. A plethora of coffee is consumed, even though Navy is annoyed that I don’t have an espresso machine. Food is served and devoured. And soon, I’ve taken leave to get myself ready.

At first, I think Luke will come in to join me, but my door remains firmly closed. It’s like he knows I need this time to myself. I shower and dress quickly before applying a minimal amount of makeup.

They’re all three waiting for me as I open my bedroom door. I chose to wear the dress Brian always loved, a light teal floral number. I grab my sneakers and, with a final pat on the head, leave Duke curled up in his bed.

Sutton and Navy lead us out the door with me following closely behind. Luke never removes his hand from the small of my back. I’m shocked when we pile into Sutton’s SUV and not Luke’s truck. Luke doesn’t say anything, though, just squeezes his large body into the small backseat, my hand held firmly between both of his.

Everyone’s lost in their own thoughts as we drive across town. The tourist traffic has started to ease now that summer is winding down and fall is just around the corner. Witnessing the leaves transform into vibrant hues, signaling another season of change, sends a zing of anticipation through me.

Sutton makes each turn effortlessly, familiar with the route to the cemetery. The funeral, a blur in my shock and denial, had been orchestrated by Brian’s parents and mine. Now, as we approach, I see how beautiful the cemetery is—filled with large trees and various gardens.

It's a fitting resting place for Brian.

The car eases up to the curb before coming to a stop. Luke turns to me, bringing my face close to his. “Good?”

“I am.” He leans in, and our lips meet in a reassuring kiss. When I step out of the car, the sight before me takes my breath away, and my eyes well with tears.

“What are you guys doing here?” I ask, my voice filled with surprise as I'm greeted by all the people I love— Luke, Sutton, Navy, Mom, Dad, Hunter, Vinnie, Adam, and Grace. Mom and Dad approach, enveloping me in a tight hug, then guide me toward my friends.

“As if we’d let you do this on your own.” Vinnie rolls his eyes before dragging me into a hug. Hunter steps forward, stealing me from Vinnie to hug me even tighter. I notice Sutton’s face soften when she sees him.

“We told you before,” Hunter says, “we’re family. And family doesn’t let family go through hard shit alone.”

“You’re stuck with us now,” Grace says as she and Adam push through Hunter’s grasp. When Adams hugs me, he lifts me off the ground.

“Well, baby girl,” Mom says, sniffling, “do you want us to come with you?”

“No,” my dad promptly responds, winking at me. “She’s got this.” I give him a nod and a soft smile. I turn back to Luke, who wraps his arms around my waist.

“I’ll be right here.” His lips brush my temple.

Stepping away from my family, I move slowly toward Brian’s grave, nestled beneath a large tree that provides a comforting shade in the afternoon. My gaze lingers on the headstone, and I trace the engraved letters with my fingertips, a silent apology for my absence. Beautiful fresh flowers surrounding his headstone catch my attention. Glancing back at my parents, Mom wipes her tears. She’s been caring for Brian, just like she’s been caring for me this last year.

I sit on the ground, crossing my legs underneath me, the grass cool against my skin. I remove my sneakers and place them to the side. It’s as if I hear Brian’s laughter in my head. He knows I never liked wearing shoes.

For a moment, I enjoy the fresh air and listen to the birds twittering in the trees. A glance over my shoulder reveals my friends and family sitting or lying on the grass, not speaking, just existing in this moment for me.

“Hi, Brian.”

Inhale.

Exhale.

“I can’t believe it’s been one year since I lost you. It seems hard to believe sometimes that I can’t just call you or text you or see you. I’m sorry I haven’t been to visit. Things were really hard for me back then. I didn’t know how to exist in this life, in this world, without you. So . . . I did what I could. Even if I couldn’t see you, I talked to you almost every day. It helped. So much.” Emotion clogs my throat. “But I think even you knew I needed to be strong. I needed to move forward. Maybe it was you, or maybe it was me, but the dreams eventually faded, and so did the constant visions of you. I’ve changed a lot this summer. Little by little, I’ve emerged from my cocoon. Instead of being frozen and forcing myself to move on, I met people, wonderful people. God, Brian, you would love them. They helped me see that I don’t have to move on. I just have to choose to continue moving forward everyday.”

Threading my fingers through the blades of grass around me, I feel a peaceful silence settle around me.

“I met someone.” I let the words scatter into the wind. “That feels strange to say to you. I thought you were my forever, but our story ended sooner than either of us thought it would.” I take a settling breath. “His name is Luke. I know you'd like him. He’s kind, incredibly patient, understanding, and challenges me when I need it.” I smile. “After I lost you, I never thought I could ever open my heart to someone new, but he found me and, Brian . . . he loves me fully and deeply. Just like you did. I’m so lucky to have been loved by you. Thank you for the love you gave me and for our beautiful life. I miss you every day, and I’ll love you forever. I just. . . I want you to know I’m okay now.”

Just breathe.

I press a soft kiss onto my fingertips and with a final caress of the engraved letters bearing his name, I whisper goodbye.

Inhale. Exhale.

After a few more minutes in silence, I make my way back to Luke, my parents, and my family. Sutton and Navy reach me first and pull me into a tight embrace. The others stand around, their presence providing me with undeniable strength.

Next, Luke pulls me into his chest, and his fingers thread through my hair. I center myself with the scent of him.

“You good, G?” Hunter asks.

I pull back and look into Luke’s eyes. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“I love you,” Luke says with a huge smile.

I feel it then—

that final fracture. . .

deep in the back of my heart. . .

healing closed.

Looking back, I thought Death had stolen everything from me, and I never imagined I’d get here. But with the embrace of my family, the support of my friends, and the love of Luke, I know I’ve finally made it to the other side.

Life has taught me so much over the last year through its painful, beautiful, and unpredictable nature. I’m not sure what the rest of my story holds or when my final page will turn, but until then. . .

I will live it fully and out loud.

The End