Walk Off

Chapter 7

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Celia

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened last night?” Ruby asked.

She was sitting on Ruby’s couch like she had been for the last two hours. At least she wasn’t crying anymore. The tears had all dried up and her face was a swollen mess. That’s what happened when you had your ex-boyfriend”s baby and kept it from him for eight years.

She deserved that and so much more.

“I slept with him.” She looked up at her sister who’d been nothing but supportive since the day she’d told her about the pregnancy, and then again after she’d told her she’d lied.

Hell was too good for her. There had to be a place that was worse.

“Since I’m not an idiot, I already figured that part out. What I can’t figure out is why?”

“Because I’m a masochist, that’s why. I couldn’t resist him. I’ve never been able to resist him.”

Ruby scooted over next to her and rubbed her back. “What about him? Why’d he sleep with you? Have you thought about that? Maybe he never got over you either.”

She shook her head rapidly. “No.” There was no way that was true. Except, he had said some things when they were together that made her wonder.

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“It doesn’t matter. You should have seen the way he looked at me after I told him about Jasmine.” She’d never forget that look. Anger and hostility and hate. He hated her and that would never go away.

“You need to talk to him. Tell him what was going through your mind when you made the decision you made. He might understand.”

“Would you? Would you understand if someone lied to you for this long? I’ve had plenty of time to tell him, and yet, I never did. I kept his daughter from him. If I were on the other side of this, I’d hate me too.”

“You forget, you lied to me too, and yet, here I am, standing by your side. I understand why you did it and I forgave you.”

“You had to forgive me. You’re my sister.”

“You of all people know that’s not true. Family is something you choose, whether you’re born into it or not. Mom is a prime example of that.”

Neither of them talked to their mom any longer. Not after she’d called her a whore when she’d found out about the pregnancy. After that, it had been just her and Ruby, and then eventually Jasmine. Once they’d moved to Valley Falls, their circle had grown even bigger. Now they had a whole group of people willing to help and listen when need be.

A buzz from the security system went off, alerting them that someone was coming up the driveway.

“That must be Jasmine,” Ruby said. “You should go wash your face before you see her. Meet us in the kitchen when you’re ready.”

Ruby was right. She was a mess and Jasmine couldn’t see her like this. In the bathroom, she washed her face with cold water, hoping to bring down some of the swelling that her crying had caused. She finger-combed her hair, securing it back in the low ponytail before making her way to the kitchen.

Ruby and Jasmine were at the counter, eating cookies, with Jasmine chatting away about her sleepover.

“Hey, baby,” she came up behind her and gave her a hug and kiss on the head, “how was the sleepover?”

“So much fun, Mom.” Last year, she’d done away with the Mommy and started calling her Mom. Celia wasn’t sure what to think of it and hated that her baby girl was growing up so fast.

“I have something I need to talk to you about.” She sat down on a bar stool next to Jasmine. This was possibly even harder than telling Kyle. “You know how you always ask about your dad and I tell you he was a good guy but that he just couldn’t be around.”

Jasmine nodded. “He’s busy, but he loves me.”

She repeated the words that Celia had told her time and time again. “That’s right. The thing is, he’s here in town and he wants to get to know you.” She wasn’t entirely sure that was true but she had to assume it was. Kyle would never ignore his own child. At least, now that he knew about her.

Jasmine’s eyes lit up. “When can I meet him?”

“Soon.” Celia stroked Jasmine”s hair. “Do you have any questions?” It was only fair that Jasmine know whatever Celia could tell her.

“His name is Kyle Dulanay, right?”

“It is. How do you know that?” She’d told her his name was Kyle but she’d never told her his last name.

“I heard you and Aunt Ruby talking about him one day. He plays baseball like Uncle Dallas plays soccer.”

Celia looked across the counter at her sister who gave her a look saying she also had no idea that Jasmine knew all this. “He does. Did you hear us talking about that too?”

Jasmine shook her head. “I looked him up online one day after you said his name.” She said it like it was no big deal. Like she did stuff like that all the time.

“Jasmine, you should have told Mommy you were doing that.” Her kid was smarter than she gave her credit for.

“I thought you’d get mad.”

“Baby, I’d never get mad at you for that.”

“You never want to talk about him so I didn’t want to tell you.”

Jesus, not only was her seven-year-old kid smarter, but she was more emotionally grounded than she was too. “We can talk about anything. Anytime.”

“Did he not want me?” Jasmine was looking down at the counter as she spoke and her words almost broke her.

“Why would you say that?”

“Josie’s dad left when she was a baby because he didn’t love her or her mom.” Her little shoulders shrugged and Celia felt like a failure as a parent.

“No. No never that. It’s my fault he hasn”t been in your life.” She turned Jasmine to face her. “I’m the bad guy here, not your dad.”

“Do you think he’ll stay? I think I might like to have a dad. I like Uncle Dallas and Shane and Edwin and Cooper.” Her eyes scrunched like she was thinking. “Oh and Benji. He’s funny.”

Over the last two years, a lot of men had come into both of their lives, giving them the family she’d always wanted. But, they were no substitute for Jasmine’s own father. “I don’t have the answer to that right now and I’m not going to lie to you again. I think we’re just going to have to wait and see.”

“Can I meet him today?”

“I’m not sure, baby.” She stroked her hair. “He is figuring things out, but I’m sure he’ll want to see you soon.”

Jasmine stole another cookie from the plate. “Can I go play on my tablet now?”

Celia smiled. A seven-year-old”s mind never stayed in one place too long. “Sure.” She leaned in, giving her a quick kiss before she ran off.

“Well, that went over well,” Ruby said when Jasmine was out of the room.

Celia let out a deep breath. “Better than I thought. I had no idea she knew so much. Or that she’d overheard us talking.” She dropped her head to her hands on the counter. “I feel like such a failure, and a liar, and so many other things that I can’t even pinpoint at this moment.”

“You’re none of those things. Well, you’re some of those things,” Celia could hear the smile in her sister’s voice even though she couldn’t see her, “but that still doesn’t make you a bad person. You did what you thought you had to do. I think that if you can explain it to him, he might understand.”

She lifted her head, looking directly at Ruby. “You don’t have to placate me. I know he hates me. You didn’t see him, or hear his words when I told him.” The disappointment and rejection she’d heard his voice would haunt her forever. “I’ll be lucky if he ever lets me see her again.”

Ruby stepped around the counter, sitting down beside her on a barstool and wrapping her arm around her shoulders. “We won’t let that happen. You have people on your side. People who can vouch for what a great mom you are. All of us are here for you, and that includes whatever money you need to fight this.”

“No.” She leaned back, shaking her head over and over. “I’m not taking money from you or anyone else. I won”t turn my daughter’s life into a court case. I will fight to keep her, but if I can’t do that without dragging her into a huge mess, then I won’t do it.” She’d already caused enough problems. She wouldn”t make Jasmine’s life worse by making a big circus out of custody.

“No matter what you decide, remember, I’m right beside you.” Ruby rubbed her back.

“I should probably get out of here,” she said. “It’s been a long weekend and Jasmine has school tomorrow.”

“You should stay for dinner,” Ruby said.

“Thanks for the offer, but I think it’s better if we go home.”

Before Ruby could speak, Dallas walked in. “You might want to rethink that. Kyle is outside and wants to talk to you.”

Panic swept through her. “He’s here?” Oh God, was he going to want to see Jasmine now? It didn”t matter that she knew it would happen, she still couldn’t wrap her head around it.

“All he wants to do is talk. To you, not Jasmine. He’s smart enough to realize that he can’t just show up and talk to her out of the blue.”

The panic dissipated, but only a little. “Where is he?”

“I took him to the pool house so he wasn’t stuck outside in the cold, and also because I thought you might not want Jasmine to see him yet.”

She was thankful that Dallas understood the situation. “Can you keep Jasmine away from the windows?” The whole back end of their house was covered in windows, and if Jasmine looked out, she might see Kyle when he left.

“She and I will go downstairs and play games,” Ruby said, giving her hand a quick squeeze.

Unsure what she was going to say and scared out of her mind, she walked through the house and out the back door. She hadn”t even grabbed a coat, not concerned that she’d have to walk through the cold to get to the warm pool house. The only thing that was on her mind was Jasmine and making sure she was safe.

Oh, and seeing Kyle again.

No matter what, she always wanted to see him. It didn’t matter that he hated her, or that he might possibly try to take her daughter from her. Seeing him was like watching the sunrise.

It was good for her soul.

That was something she was going to have to get over. And quick.

Stepping inside the pool house, a blast of warm air hit her directly in the face at the same time as she saw Kyle standing by the wall on the other side of the room.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this?” He strode toward her, his face full of concern. “It’s freezing outside. You could have fucking frozen to death.” His hands were on her arms, rubbing up and down before she could even speak. It felt so good to have him touch her that she moaned, the sound carrying through the entire room.

He froze in place, his hands stilling on her arms.

Then he stepped back, as if she’d burned him.

Which in reality, she probably had.

“I’m fine. It was a short walk from the house.” She rubbed her own arms, missing his touch. “Thank you for coming.”

“You can thank Dallas for that. He’s pretty persuasive.”

She bit the inside of her lip to stop herself from making a noise. This was no time for anything funny. “I assume you have questions?”

His eyes found and held hers as silence settled in around them. She’d looked into his eyes many times in their three months together. She’d always been able to read him from his eyes alone. The day she’d told him she didn’t love him, she’d seen how much the words had hurt him. Then when he’d begged her not to go, the fear and rejection had been so powerful, that she’d almost broken down then and there and told him the truth.

It was time for that now.

“Does she know about me?”

That wasn’t what she’d expected. She thought he”d ask why she’d lied or why she’d kept Jasmine from him. He always was good at surprising her.

“She does. I told her just a little bit ago. Although, it seems our daughter is smarter than I realized. She already knew about you and even knew your name. Apparently, she heard Ruby and me talking once and looked you up.”

His eyes went wide with concern. “What did she think?”

That made her laugh. “She wanted to know when she could see you.”

“Did you tell her why I haven’t been around?” His face showed no emotion.

This was the hard part. “Over the years, I never, not once, made you out to be the bad guy. I need you to know that. From the time she was born, when I’d rock her to sleep at night, I’d whisper in her ear what a great guy you were and I’d tell her all about you. As she got older, I told her that you were busy and that’s why you couldn”t be around. But, you loved her.”

“If I was such a great guy, Celia, then why’d you leave? Why’d you keep my daughter from me?” His anger was back, but this time it was controlled.

Before she could even speak the words, memories of that day, of everything they’d had, came roaring back to the surface. She”d told herself she wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t going to use tears to make him feel bad for her.

She was the bad guy.

But still, the tears fell.

“I didn’t want to,” she cried out. “The day you told me about being called up, I had no idea I was pregnant. I was so excited for you, for us, really. I wanted to go with you so badly, but I realized that it might be better to do the long-distance thing, at least for a few months. I could start college and you could get acclimated with your new team. We’d make it work. When I woke up the next morning, I was sick. Somewhere between puking and dry heaving, it hit me that I hadn’t had a period. I ran to the store, bought three pregnancy tests, and ran home and took them. They were all positive. I was in shock. I had no idea what to do. We were still so new and we had our whole lives to live ahead of us. I knew that if I told you, you would drop everything.” She took a deep breath, tears streaming down her face. “Your love for me was real and I knew that you’d want me and the baby, and that you’d do anything to make that happen. That would have included not living up to your full potential at baseball. Your game would have suffered, and it would have been my fault.”

“That’s bullshit.” He shook his head. “You have no idea what would have happened.” His anger made his voice harsh.

“I don’t, but neither do you, and that’s what I thought. You deserved everything good that came to you, and I couldn’t stand in the way of that.”

“I already had the best thing!” He threw his hands up into the air. “You,” he said loudly, and then he softly added, “You were all I wanted.”

“But I wasn’t. You loved baseball and I couldn’t let you give that up for me.” She swiped tears away with the heel of her hands. “Then that picture of us showed up in the paper the same morning and Ruby went off. You know how my mom was, how much she told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything. Ruby was dealing with her own issues with our dad dying and she hated Mom. I couldn’t stand to disappoint either of them. So I lied. I told Ruby it was a one-night stand and nothing more. Then I came to you and told you...” She couldn’t repeat what she’d said all those years ago. She’d been needlessly mean, all because she’d thought she’d been protecting him.

Maybe that was a lie. Maybe she’d been trying to protect herself, from both her mom and him. What if she’d told him, and a few years later he regretted it, and then they’d broken up? She would have been devastated.

Before that could happen, she ended it.

“Say it,” he said. “Say those words you said to me that day.” His voice was eerily calm, but his face was hard, like he was about to explode.

She shook her head. “I can’t.”

“Say them,” he said, more demanding.

More tears fell and she gave up trying to wipe them away. “I don’t love you. I never did. You were a fun summer distraction before I go away to college.” Those words were etched into her soul. She might as well have them tattooed on her heart, she remembered them so well.

“What else?” His eyes had narrowed and he was pulsing with angry energy.

She knew why he was doing this, and she deserved it. This last part was so bad, so horrible, that she wasn’t sure she could repeat it. But she had to. This was her penance. “Your own mom didn’t even want you, why would you think I would.” She barely got the last word out before falling to her knees. “I’m so sorry, I never meant any of it,” she cried out. “It was all lies.”

He didn”t move for several long seconds, just stood over her, anger on his face and fists clenched at his sides.

She lowered her head, so ashamed of everything she’d done that she couldn”t even look at him. Then, she felt his fingers on her chin tipping her face up to his.

“I’m so fucking angry at you.” The words were harsh, but his voice, it held something else. “That anger is fighting a losing battle with another part of me.” His other arm gripped her under her arm and hauled her up and against him. “The part of me that can’t stop wanting you.”

His lips crashed down on hers like a giant wave crashing into the shore.

Her senses were on overload. She’d just told this man all the bad things she’d done, and yet somehow, his lips were against hers.

It was incomprehensible and disorienting.

It was also glorious.

Her hands found their way into his hair, gripping tightly, never wanting to let go. She let him devour her mouth any way he wanted and just went along for the ride because she never wanted the kiss to end. She didn’t know what was happening, but she wasn’t about to complain, or stop it.

His lips trailed to her jaw. “I can’t stop touching you.” His hands were everywhere, caressing her ribs and stomach before cupping both breasts. “I hate you so damn much, but I also crave you, like an addict needing his next fix.” His thumbs brushed over her nipples and she gasped. “You’re so damn sensitive here.”

His head lifted and he gazed at her, his eyes molten with desire, but also with more than a little hate.

If they had sex, there was no doubt about it that it would be hate-filled.

She wasn’t sure she cared.