Chapter 17
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Celia
It was normal to think about a person thousands of times a day. Right?
If it wasn’t, she was in real trouble.
Even more trouble than being in love with a man she couldn”t have.
Dropping her head on her desk, she moaned in frustration at her situation. Kyle was everything. In the years since they’d been together, he’d grown into an amazing man. Smart, funny, sexy, but most of all, forgiving.
How was she supposed to hold out against that?
The kicker was that he seemed to want more with her, but she’d shut it down. She’d had to. For
Jasmine’s sake. If they started something and it went sideways, it would break Jasmine’s heart. She already loved him. Celia wouldn’t take that away from her.
It was already her fault that Jasmine had missed out on having a father her whole life.
“You look like a woman in need of a drink.”
She lifted her head and found Cassidy standing in the doorway to her classroom. She’d known her newly married friend was home from her honeymoon, but this was the first time she’d seen her.
“I thought you’d be tanner.” Her pale skin did have the glow of someone who’d just been in tropical weather but it wasn’t a full-on tan.
Cassidy shrugged, stepping further into the classroom. “We didn”t spend much time outside.”
“Have I mentioned that I hate you?”
“From what I heard, you had your own,” she paused, lowering her voice just in case a student walked by the room, “fun, not in the sun, while I was away.”
Celia couldn’t help laughing at Cassidy’s description of what she assumed was sex. “I appreciate you keeping it PG since we’re in a middle school.”
“I do what I can. Are you ready to get out of here?”
Grabbing her bag from her chair, Celia stood. “I guess, but I don”t have time for a drink, I need to get Jasmine.”
“Got that covered. Her Uncle Benji is picking her up and taking her home, ordering pizza, and watching, what I can only assume, is some mind-numbing cartoon until it’s bedtime.”
Celia sagged. “He doesn”t have to do that. You guys just got back.”
“He does have to do that because he’s my husband—how weird is that to say, by the way—and I need to spend a few hours with my best friend to find out what the hell has been happening while I’ve been gone.”
Celia gave in. “Fine, but if I have to tell the story of my second heartbreak by the same guy, then I”m going to need margaritas.”
“Got you covered. Benji dropped me off so you drive. But, let’s just drop your car at home and take an Uber, so we can both drink and not worry.”
Celia agreed to Cassidy’s plan, and somehow, on the drive to her apartment and the one in the Uber, she was able to ask about Cassidy’s honeymoon and trip without thinking of the misery that was her own life.
As soon as they sat down at a table, that all ended. “Talk,” Cassidy said. “And start at the beginning.”
“A long time ago, I fell in love with a man.” Celia was trying to be funny to lighten the mood.
“Ha ha,” Cassidy said. “I meant the beginning as in my wedding reception when you just so happened to disappear along with a certain hot baseball player.”
Celia sighed. “Seeing him was a shock, that was for sure, but when we were alone together, it was like everything just sort of clicked into place. There was no awkwardness, no strangeness. It was just him and me, needing each other.” Like we always had.
“How did it feel, having sex? I mean, it’s been a long time for you.” Her friends all knew that she’d gone a long time without sex, and in fact, had been trying to push her to date more in the last year.
“Nothing had changed.” No, that wasn’t right. A lot had changed. “Well, except that he was a little dirty.” She lowered her voice.” And domineering.”
“Did you like that?” Cassidy raised both eyebrows.
“I did. I might be lacking in experience, but I’ve watched enough porn to know what I was looking for. And it was just what he gave me. It was just sort of a shock, because he was never like that before.”
She shrugged. “We change as we get older. We start to learn what turns us on.”
Everything he did to her had turned her on. “I sort of had a freak out in my own head about the condom leaking when we finished. It was not one of my finer moments.” She still remembered the look on his face. The one that wanted to help but didn’t know what to do. “He texted Heath who got Zara to come check up on me.”
Cassidy tilted her head, biting down on her lip. “That’s not something guys do if it’s just sex.”
“Kyle’s always been a nice guy. The kind of guy who would do something like that, even if it was just sex.”
“If you say so. Tell me the rest.”
She went on telling her friend everything that happened after that up until his phone call the night before. “Now, I’m here wishing for more when I told him it was impossible.”
“I’m going to preface this statement by telling you that I love you. But seriously, Cel, you’re a fucking idiot.”
That took her by surprise.
“The man wants to be with you even after everything that’s happened. He practically told you that he’s never gotten over you. And what do you do? You tell him no. You, the woman who has loved him all these years.” She shook her head. “What I don’t understand is why? And don’t tell me because of Jasmine. You can’t use your kid as a reason not to be happy.”
Cassidy’s words took a minute to sink in. When she finally wrapped her head around everything she said, Celia looked her friend in the eyes and asked, “What if it didn’t work out? What then?”
“That’s the chance you take when you love someone. It’s scary and difficult, but in the end, it’s worth it.”
She knew that if they got together and it didn’t work, he’d still do everything in his power to be a good parent to Jasmine. Cassidy was right. She was using her kid as an excuse. The question was why? Why didn’t she want to be happy?
“You have to stop letting your mom dictate your life, even after all this time. You did the right thing by cutting her out of your life, but now, you have to cut her from your brain.”
Cassidy’s words were like a punch to the gut.
The last thing her mom had said to her when she and Ruby left for good was that she was a worthless whore. That just because she was having a baby didn’t mean that the kid would love her. That she’d screw up and choose a man over her kid, just like she’d done.
Those words had stuck in her head all this time. It was why she’d held off on dating so long, and it was definitely why she was pushing Kyle away. What if she ended up just like her mom? Choosing the guy instead of her own kids? What then?
Her words came out choked. “What if she’s right?”
“Fuck that,” Cassidy said. “She wasn’t, and do you know how I know that? Because you are turning away love to protect Jasmine. He loves you, Cel. And I know you love him. Yet, you are refusing to see it because you don’t want to hurt your kid. That”s some amazing parenting right there. Protecting your kid with no concern for your own future or life is the ultimate sacrifice. My mom did it for me and you’re doing it for Jasmine.”
Celia wasn”t so sure. Was it really protecting her if she let herself love Kyle and then things didn’t work out? She might know that he would never walk out of Jasmine’s life, but wouldn’t them being together and then apart, still hurt Jasmine?
She wasn”t sure.
This was not going to be a decision she made on a whim while drinking. She needed to be level-headed and think things through.
Being smart was the only way she’d get through this.
Or, so she thought, until she got home.
Benji and Jasmine were at the table coloring and sitting beside them was a box.
“Hey, guys,” she said. “What’s in the box?”
Benji looked up at her. “No idea. It was delivered a little while ago. I’ve had a heck of a time keeping Jazz from opening it.”
“It has my name on it, Mom.”
Celia looked down at the top of the box and sure enough, Jasmine’s name was on it along with hers. There was no return address. “Well, why don’t we see what it is.”
“Yay!” Jasmine jumped up from her chair, running around the table until she was right next to her. “Can I do it?” She looked up at Celia with excitement in her eyes.
“Go ahead.”
She watched as Jasmine tore into the box, somehow easily ripping it open. “There’s more boxes,” Jasmine said.
Celia looked inside and sure enough, there were two more boxes inside. One with Jasmine’s name and one with hers.
“There’s one for each of us,” Jasmine said.
Celia looked over at Cassidy with a questioning glance. Could Kyle have sent this?
Cassidy seemed to know what she was asking without her even needing to say the words. “You won’t know until you open it.”
Jasmine was already tearing into hers and let out a shriek of excitement when she saw what was in her box. “It’s a new leotard and soccer cleats!”
Celia leaned over Jasmine’s head and looked inside the box. Sure enough, there was a brand new leotard and a bright shiny pair of new cleats. There was also a note.
“It’s from Dad.” Jasmine pulled both items from the box, hugging them to her chest. “I love them so much!”
“Your turn,” Cassidy said, lifting her eyebrows.
She sucked in a deep breath and began opening the small box. Her heart was beating fast in her chest at the anticipation of what was inside. When she opened the lid, she was pretty sure she stopped breathing.
Nestled in several pieces of tissue paper was an old music box. One she’d seen in a store window all those years ago. She didn’t remember ever mentioning to him how much she’d wanted it and wasn”t able to afford it.
Needing to know how he’d known she’d wanted it so badly, she picked up the note.
Every time we walked by the store with this in the window, you got wistful. Now it’s yours to look at whenever you want.
He’s seen how much she wanted it without even speaking the words. No one had ever paid attention to her that much. He had. And even more, he remembered all these years later.
“What is it?” Jasmine asked, peering into the box.
“It’s a music box, sweetie.”
“It looks old.” Her voice held disgust. Kids didn’t understand that old things could be important.
“I think it is,” Cassidy said. “I’m assuming there is some significance to this?”
Celia nodded, but was afraid if she spoke, she’d start crying. Instead, she pulled it out of the box and admired it closely. She’d only ever seen it from the outside window. The markings were intricate and carved deep into the wood. It had to be at least a hundred years old, if not older. It was completely handcrafted which was why she’d fallen in love with it in the first place.
She was in awe of both the music box and Kyle. She’d always known he was a good guy. A guy who listened and paid attention. Him forgiving her for not telling him about Jasmine was proof.
This was something else.
This was him telling her he wasn”t letting her push him away.
And Jesus, that made her want to fucking swoon.
“Mom, can we call Dad and thank him?” Jasmine was jumping up and down in front of her.
“Uh yeah, that’s fine.” She wanted to thank him just as much as her daughter.
Jasmine ran out of the room, giving her just enough time to collect herself before she had to see him. How was she supposed to talk to the man when she was having a hard enough time talking to her kid and friends?
“We should probably go,” Cass said. “Call me tomorrow. I want to hear all about this call.” Her eyes sparked with mischief.
Cassidy knew as well as she did that this was breaking her down. Inch by inch, piece by piece, Kyle seemed determined to win her heart. She wanted to give it to him. It had been his since that fateful day in the grocery store all those years ago. Why shouldn’t he have it now?
Because it wasn’t just her heart. It was also Jasmine’s. What kind of mom would she be if she let them both get attached, and then something happened and he left?
The worst kind, that’s what kind.
The same kind as her own mother, who she swore she’d never be like. She’d vowed to always put Jasmine first, and that’s what she was doing.
“Mom.” Jasmine came running back into the room, iPad in hand. “Can I call him now?”
“Yeah, baby, go ahead.” Nerves coursed through her. What did you say to the man you loved but could never have after he sent you the most perfect gift? Thanks didn’t really seem like enough. But ‘fuck me now’ was definitely too much.
Especially with their daughter present.
Ringing filled the room and then the sound of Kyle’s voice. “Hey, Jazz, how’s it going?” He sounded happy and excited. And also sexy. That was nothing new. He always sounded sexy.
“I love my present!’ Jasmine said excitedly.
“I was hoping you would.” It took everything inside her not to scoot closer to Jasmine so she could see his face. She knew that it would be filled with the same excitement as Jasmine”s.
“Mom’s is pretty cool too, even though it’s old.” Jasmine scrunched up her face, like saying the word old left a bad taste in her mouth.
“Old things can be pretty cool sometimes,” Kyle said. “I have a baseball that’s over a hundred years old signed by one of the best players to ever play the game.”
Jasmine’s eyes went wide. “Really?”
Kyle told her more about his signed Babe Ruth baseball while she listened. She’d heard the story, and had even seen the ball once when he’d shown it to her. After his Aunt Elinor had died, he’d found it in her house in a box addressed to him, along with her will, which stated that he was the sole recipient of everything she owed. There was a note attached to the ball explaining where she’d gotten it.
Turns out, his Aunt Elinor had found it in her own father’s garage when he’d died. She”d had it authenticated and was saving it to give to him the day he made the majors. It was worth thousands, and Kyle could have easily sold it to survive those years after she died, but he’d refused. It was his most prized possession and he’d told Celia that he’d never part with it.
Not because it was signed by Babe Ruth, but because his aunt had wanted him to have it.
After they each told the other about their days, Jasmine passed the iPad to her. “I’m going to go try on my new leotard.” She bounded off leaving Celia alone to talk to Kyle.
“Your gift was a huge hit.” She felt awkward and wasn”t sure what else to say.
“What about yours? Was it also a huge hit?” His smile lit up the screen, but she also saw his apprehension under the smile. He wanted her to like his gift.
“I don’t even remember telling you how much I wanted that music box.”
“You didn’t, but every time we walked by that store, you mooned over it. If I”d had money back then, I’d have bought it for you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe you remember that.”
“I remember everything about our time together.”
That admission had her falling just a little more in love with him,if that was even possible. She already felt like she was as far in love with him as she could possibly be. “You don’t have to buy me gifts. Or Jasmine.”
“I know that. I wanted to. I want you both to have everything you’ve ever wanted. I want Jasmine to have the things neither one of us had growing up. I’m not trying to spoil her, or buy her love. I just want her to know that I’m a part of her life and that I’m paying attention to the things she enjoys.” He paused. “I want that for both of you.”
She saw the seriousness in his eyes. There was also something else. Something that looked a lot like love.
Fear gripped her by the throat. “I have to go,” she rushed to say. “Thank you for the generous gifts.” As quickly as she could, before she started crying, she clicked off the call. Her hands were shaking and she felt tears well up in her eyes.
She loved this man, and from the looks of it, he loved her back. Everything inside her told her to leap and look later. To take the chance.
One tiny part of her was holding her back.
That part where she heard her mom’s voice in her head that she would never be good enough and that she was nothing but a whore who would never find love.
Why was it so easy to listen to that one little voice instead of the other ones telling her to go for it?