9. Carson
CHAPTER 9
CARSON
I could hear the team as soon as the elevator doors opened on Adam’s floor. Sighing, I dropped my chin to my chest, shoved my hands into my pockets, and turned toward the waiting room, where I knew I’d find them.
The feelings Roman awakened in me in the last twenty-four hours buzzed through my veins, and I couldn’t shake them. There were so many things wrong with those feelings. With feeling those things. At least based on what the military had to say about it.
“Where’d you disappear to?”
I pulled up short, my gaze flying toward the voice. Foster stepped into the hallway from the waiting room, closing the door behind himself.
“A run.”
His eyes narrowed as they ran over me. A stupider response wasn’t possible. One glance gave the lie away. I wore casual clothes and boots, not running gear, and I wasn’t the least bit sweaty. I’d walked the city for several hours after leaving Roman’s house before backtracking to the hospital. My phone blew up the whole time, but I didn’t respond to a single text. I checked them to make sure I wasn’t being spun up, and Adam hadn’t taken a turn. I wasn’t stupid enough to ignore the team altogether.
Roman was the only person I responded to. I texted him when I left his house. He hadn’t responded initially, but when he did, I couldn’t stop myself. I had to reply. That wasn’t the least bit fucking smart. It just confused me more.
Foster shook his head, then said, “Walk with me.”
I stilled myself but followed his order. His stopping outside Adam’s room did not surprise me. Foster was a damn good CO. He kept tabs on us all and made sure we weren’t spinning off the rails, which is why when Brock divulged his feelings before we’d gotten spun up to rescue Adam, Foster didn’t seem surprised by the news. He probably had known that shit from the moment he took over as Alpha One.
Brock’s trust in us wasn’t misplaced. At least not with me, and definitely not with the Lieu if my suspicions were right. As much as I trusted the team, I didn’t know if I trusted anyone that much.
Foster tapped on the door, and Brock stuck his head out.
“He’s still asleep,” Brock said.
Nodding, Foster moved on down the hall. We stopped outside a room labeled consultation. He pushed open the door and checked the room before entering. I followed him inside. When the door shut, he leaned against it and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Wanna tell me where you really were?”
I swallowed but said nothing.
“I went looking for you after your doctor buddy left the waiting room yesterday. Nice guy, by the way.”
I didn’t know if he was being sincere or a sarcastic ass. Foster had a way of saying shit as a joke that sounded dead serious and vice versa.
“He is a nice guy. Or he was. I’ve not seen the guy since before I enlisted.”
“So you say.”
“It’s the truth, Lieutenant. He was a year ahead of me in school, friends with me and my brothers. We all played football together. He went off to college and a year later, I enlisted.”
Foster huffed and motioned for me to sit while pulling out a chair for himself. I lowered myself into place across from him, waiting for whatever he was going to say.
“Good. At any other time, I wouldn’t give a shit who you spent time with, but your name is being bandied about for OCS. I don’t have to tell you what sort of opportunity this is. I also shouldn’t have to explain the level of scrutiny, but I will. They are gonna bend you over and shine a light up your ass while they do a cavity search before they decide. That means you’ve gotta keep your nose clean.”
Warmth and pleasure filled me until I couldn’t keep it in. My face split, stretching until it hurt.
I busted my ass for my team and brothers every damn day, but when I started thinking about my future in the Navy, I upped my game. That way, when the time came, I could apply for warrant. But this… this was, well, not unheard of, but rare.
Unlike the other option to move from enlisted to officer, this route and warrant meant I wouldn’t have to leave the teams. It’s why I took classes on my own and started looking into CWO in the first place. Leaving the teams wasn’t my goal. I wanted to be a SEAL, always had, but I wanted to do more for the teams and warfighters. That meant I had to move up the ranks because I couldn’t do what I wanted as an NCO. If what Foster said was true, and I was being considered for OCS, then I could move up several years earlier than I could even apply for Warrant School.
“Jesus. Quit grinning like a Cheshire cat. You look young enough to be my kid when you do that.”
I couldn’t help myself. His admonishment made the smile stretch my face further, but then I realized I promised Roman I’d meet up with him the next day.
“Umm, Roman, Captain Ott invited me back to his place tomorrow…”
“God damn, Carson, what did I say?”
It was a damn good thing I hadn’t been drinking anything, or he would’ve gotten a face full when I spit it on him.
“Oh shit, I didn’t mean it like that. He’s got a little girl, and his mama lives with him. I spent as much time at his house as he did at mine when we were teens. He offered up his mama’s cookin’, is all.”
Foster chuckled along with me for a bit and said, “See if your buddy is up to hosting a couple of us. That way, there’s no impropriety for the selection board to worry about.”
“So, we’ll be here for a bit, then?”
Foster stood, scrubbing his hands over his face before shoving them into his hair.
“Who the fuck knows? I’m not in any hurry to get us home, or at least not until we know more about Adam’s condition, but we’re at the beck and call of Uncle Sam, as you know. I doubt they’ll get us on a flight home until tomorrow, though. I overheard the nurses saying all of today’s transports were full when they were jockeying patients around to get them home.”
The realities of this war. The injured stacked up faster than they could be treated or transported at times.
“Well, they need a ride before we do. We can wait, and I’ll message Roman.”
“You might also remember to address him appropriately. If not captain, then Ott,” Foster suggested.
I nodded.
“Okay, I’m going back to the waiting room to keep Finlay in line. You know what he’s like when he’s got too much downtime on his hands.”
I laughed as he left. Finlay created chaos, especially when bored or there was no end to the downtime. Some of his shenanigans were all in good fun, but sometimes he didn’t know when to get serious. Unless bullets were flying, then he was all business and one of the best men to have watching your ass. The last thing we needed was Finlay fucking his way through the female staff while we were here.
I knew I should message Roman now, but he hadn’t seen Margot in ages, and if he had a shift for tonight, he needed to sleep. So, I waited and headed back to the waiting room with the others.
They were all on their phones or playing cards, and after an hour of sitting on my ass listening to my teammates bicker, I looked at Foster.
“I’m heading over to the base exchange. If we’re sticking around, we’ll need some things.”
He nodded, and I took off. Usually, I would’ve rounded up some others to go with me, but I needed to think, and for that, I needed to be alone. But as I passed Adam’s room, I stopped and stared at the door for a moment before I bit the bullet and knocked.
Shuffling sounds came from the room, growing closer until Brock’s face appeared in the doorway. He stepped out of the way, and I entered. I had no fucking clue why. I honestly had planned to grab some shit from the store. Visiting with Brock and Adam hadn’t even crossed my mind. Hell, I left the waiting room because the guys were getting on my nerves.
Several steps into the room, I stopped and looked around, avoiding meeting Adam’s gaze. Brock sat in the chair next to the bed, and I watched in awe as Adam threaded their fingers together, bringing them to his mouth. The moment seemed sacrosanct, and I felt like an intruder witnessing something I had no right observing.
It would’ve been nice if the room had a window. It would’ve given me something to focus on.
“Do you have a problem with us?”
My head jerked up at the harsh tone of Adam’s voice, but before I could respond, Brock said, “Woody…”
“No, Rocket. We need to know.”
Shaking my head, somewhat taken aback by the hard set of Adam’s mouth. I dropped into the only other chair in the room. I stared down at my hands as I clasped them between my splayed knees.
I didn’t have a problem with them. Adam and Brock were adults. What they felt and did was none of my fucking business. Who they loved and were attracted to doesn’t change who I knew them to be: Two damn fine SEALs and my friends.
Now, if only I could just bring my head around so I could accept that for myself.
“Well?”
“No. I don’t have an issue with y’all being together.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I felt like I was intruding on a personal moment,” my voice soft as I replied.
“You were.”
“We understand.”
They said simultaneously.
“Jesus, Adam. The team just found out about us, and Carson was the first to offer support. He was also the person who led the charge into that hellhole you were held in. So, give the man some fucking slack.”
Not wanting to cause them issues, I said, “I get why he’s so guarded. There’s a lot on the line for you both, but there is for all of us. Your secret is safe with me.”
“Good.”
Adam’s reply was short and curt, but I expected nothing less. That was Adam. Brock was the friendlier of the two. Outgoing and talkative ran bone deep with him. They were opposites in personality and stature.
Much like Roman and me.
There was no Roman and me.
I rubbed my hands over my face, trying, and failing disastrously, to get the smell and feel of him out of my fucking mind. There was no use. It was stuck there. He was stuck there.
His scent, woodsy and clean, had taken up residence in my sinuses, drowning out everything else. Not even the bleachy smell of the hospital could completely overpower it.
And the feel of him.
Fuck me. The imprint of his body was burned into my body. Kinda like when I was in BUD/S, and we’d been in the ocean for fucking ever, leaving us feeling the ebb and flow once we got out. Sometimes, that feeling lasted until long after we were no longer wet and sandy. So even though I’d left his place nearly two hours ago, I could feel his body against mine as if he were standing pressed against me, still warming me.
That was another thing that hadn’t left me.
The heat of his body warmed me to the core, heating places inside me I didn’t even know were there, much less that they were cold. His warmth felt like a heavy blanket, and its comfort lingered long after he left.
“Carson?”
I looked up at the sound of my name, and I could see the twin flames of curiosity in their gazes. I didn’t know what to say. There were questions, so many questions, I had, but I was too much of a pussy to ask them. The words piled on top of one another until it felt as if I would burst.
“Yeah,” I responded simply.
“Are you okay?”
No.
No, I wasn’t okay.
The reappearance of Roman Ott flipped my world on its fucking head. Add in his beautiful, sassy little girl and sweet-as-pie Mama, and I was well and truly fucked.
I rushed to my feet as tears welled in my eyes. I mumbled something. No clue what it was. I just had to get the hell out of that room.
Yanking open the door, I took off toward the stairs.
Behind me, I heard Adam say, “I’m fine. Go!”
I picked up the pace. I blew past a couple of doctors and nurses, and the vise my heart was in let up a bit when the door to the stairs came into view. But the sound of footsteps and Brock’s voice calling out to me tightened it down again.
“Carson, stop!”
That just made me push harder to put space between us. The problem was, it was Brock chasing me, and that motherfucker was as tall as a giraffe with legs just as long. They ate up the distance like nobody’s business, making him the fastest man on the team by far. I knew I couldn’t outrun him, but I was damn sure gonna try.
Going down the stairs gave me a bit of an advantage. Brock had aircraft carriers for feet at the end of those long ass legs, and they slowed him down on the steps, so I made it to the foot of the stairs before him. I sprinted away from the building toward the gate near the hotel we were staying in.
Halfway across the parking lot, Brock’s hand clamped down on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. I spun around, and he let go immediately, holding his hands up like he was afraid I would hit him. As crazed as I was by the shit running through my head and the feelings overwhelming me, I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t.
“Talk to me, brother.”
I shook my head, not able to even mutter a word, too afraid all the shit churning inside me would spew out if I cracked open my lips even the tiniest bit.
“Carson, we’re teammates. Brothers. You said you had mine and Adam’s six. Let us have yours. So, tell me, what has you running like the hounds of hell are chasing you?”
I glanced around. No one was close enough to hear, but I still couldn’t bring myself to say anything, so I shook my head no.
Brock just gazed at me. Then his mouth rounded, his eyes went wide like someone flipped all the lights in the house on.
“Do you have a room key? I’d love a shower.”
My brow furrowed in confusion, but I bobbed my head in response, anyway.
“Good. Walk with me.”
I did as he asked, falling in step alongside him. I glanced over at him, expecting the grilling to start at any second, but he stared straight ahead, walking silently toward the hotel. Brock usually burst headfirst through whatever topic was in front of him. Patience wasn’t his strong suit on his best days, and with Adam being held captive, his fuse and patience had been worse than ever, so I didn’t know why he wasn’t talking or firing questions at me.
I should be grateful. The whole not looking a gift horse in the mouth and all, but his silence had me on edge. It felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop or a coiled snake to strike. Whichever euphemism you went with, it was goddamn nerve-racking.
As we passed through the gate near our hotel, Brock seemed to speed up, and his long-legged gait outpaced me.
I huffed and said, “Fuck, man, not all of us are giants. Either slow down to a normal pace or speed up so I don’t look like a little kid chasing after an adult.”
He laughed and slowed down. When I was even with him and no longer chasing after him, he asked, “Wanna tell me what the hell set you off?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Bullshit. You just won’t say. You’re scared, or you don’t trust me.”
I closed my eyes as his words washed over me. It wasn’t an either/or situation. It was both. I was scared, and I didn’t trust anyone with my truth.
“I still don’t know what you’re talking about,” I continued the lie.
“Again, that’s fucking bullshit. I divulged the deepest, darkest secret I have. Something that could ruin Adam and me, but I trusted my team to lift me up when I couldn’t do it for myself. And if you think I wasn’t fucking petrified, you’d be sorely mistaken.”
My lips curled into my mouth between my teeth, and I bit down on them to hold back the confession that threatened to burst free.
The door to the hotel loomed ahead. Why I followed him, I didn’t know. I could’ve just handed him the key and gave him the room number, but I trailed behind him like a fucking lost puppy or some shit.
Anger, frustration, or a combination of the two swirled through my veins, spinning me up into what my mama would’ve called a tizzy, like a shaken pop bottle. It filled all the nooks and crannies inside me, and when the door closed, it exploded.
I exploded.
“I’m not fucking scared, and there’s not a goddamn thing I need to say to you or any fucking one!” I growled at him.
“Okay, then.”
His words took all the wind out of my rage, leaving me bereft with nowhere for all the shit that wanted to spew out of me to go. I stood, poised on the balls of my feet, ready to spring, my teeth ground together, and my fists opened and closed, clenching tight enough to make my hands throb. Yet there wasn’t anything or anyone to fight.
And that pissed me off more.
He’d taken away the outlet I needed.
And if that wasn’t enough to make me want to take a swing at him, then the brow he cocked at me was. I stepped at him, and he moved in a blur. A man his size shouldn’t be able to move like that, but the fucker was fast, and instead of me taking him by surprise, it was the opposite. He had my back to his chest, his hands cuffed my wrists, and those long ass arms locked around me as he crossed mine over my chest like a straitjacket, pinning them to my torso.
I twisted from side to side, fighting against his hold. There was no use. He was bigger, stronger, and had the advantage.
As I calmed, he said, “I’m going to let you go, but I won’t hesitate to put you on your ass if you come at me again.”
I nodded, and his grip disappeared in an instant.
I turned, glaring at him.
“Glare all you want. I’m here for you whenever you’re ready. So, when you’ve pulled your head out of your ass and realize that whatever has you scared, whatever has you running, it isn’t going away because you will it to. When you’re ready, call me.”
He turned toward the shower, and I watched him go. The door closed between us with a soft snick. I was gone from the room before he ever got the water going.