10. Roman
CHAPTER 10
ROMAN
I got to the hospital early for my shift. I couldn’t help myself. Carson hadn’t messaged me since we texted back and forth during lunch. I was more than disappointed that he hadn’t kept up the conversation. I thought, hoped , that he was with the team and not that his friend was in trouble or that the team was on some secret mission.
Making my way upstairs, I kept my eyes peeled for any sign of him or his teammates. I found them easily. They were all in the waiting room they’d taken over, but as I scanned the room through the window in the door, my eyes met Carson’s CO. I nodded and turned away. Carson wasn’t with them. I didn’t know where he could be, and I lacked the courage to ask.
I pulled up our texts and typed a message to him as I headed to the stairs.
Roman
Stopped by to see you before my shift, but you weren’t with the others.
I sat at the top of the steps, tucked up against the wall just inside the door, and waited for a response.
It never came.
The hour of sleep I’d sacrificed to arrive early ticked away until only a few minutes remained before my shift began. I stood up and fired off another message to Carson.
Roman
Hope you’re alright. Text me when you get the chance.
I rushed down the stairs to the ER. My shift was starting, and I needed to get my butt in gear. I hadn’t even changed into my scrubs from the uniform of the day yet.
I stepped out of the stairwell and into the chaos.
“Captain Ott! We need you!” a nurse yelled as she rushed past me to a trauma bay.
At least I was in my work uniform today. They weren’t scrubs, but the camo uniforms were much easier to work in than any of the others, not that I hadn’t pulled a shift in my dress uniform once before. That had been a nightmare.
As usual, the work, when it was busy like it was today, sucked you in, and time passed quicker than a lightning strike while also going slower than molasses. It was the strangest experience, but one I loved. I hated the pain and suffering my patients dealt with, but the adrenaline rush was addictive.
As the hours passed and patients came and went, some more scared than hurt, and some so hurt they couldn’t be scared. Carson was constantly on my mind. It didn’t matter if it was a sick kid from the base or a service member gushing blood all over me and the floor, turning everything a sticky, bright red mess filling the air with the tang of copper, the moments I spent with him this morning were right there. They’d been seared into my psyche, and I knew they always would be.
The other doctors and the nursing staff who’d been here for a while had built a camaraderie. They laughed and joked with one another. Any other day, prior to coming face-to-face with Carson Wilcox, I would have joined in. I’d always made friends easily, but I couldn’t bring myself to make the effort today.
Partway through the shift, I thought I glimpsed him, but when I trudged toward where I thought he was standing, there was no one there. I bit my cheeks to hold the growl of frustration that threatened and turned back toward the patient I had waiting for me. They technically weren’t supposed to be mine, but I grabbed them anyway. I knew if I didn’t keep my head down and focus on work, especially after my brain played tricks on me, I wouldn’t make it through this shift without texting him again or seeking him out.
So, that’s what I did. I just kept moving. Before I knew it, my shift was over. I sighed, pulled my stethoscope off my neck, and headed toward the locker room.
“You were a machine tonight,” one of the other doctors said, patting my shoulder as he passed me.
“Just trying to get back in the groove.”
“I thought I heard you were forward deployed before coming here?”
I sighed. I wasn’t in the mood for chitchat but answered anyway, “Until a few weeks ago. I took leave and came to scope out a place for my family.”
“You married with kids?”
Why is it that when you are at your least sociable, you run into the chattiest person ever? I didn’t even know why I came in here. I had stashed nothing in my locker during the shift, so there wasn’t anything to pick up.
I stood, rummaged through the locker so the guy didn’t think I was a jerk, and said, “Kid, yes. Married, no. My mom lives with me and my daughter.”
Before he could ask questions, I threw a wave at him and left. It was time to head home. Only I didn’t want to leave. I knew Carson’s buddy was still a patient. I had tortured myself and checked. Senior Chief DuBois had improved enough to be moved to a less monitored room, and his orders to transfer home had come through. He’d be leaving us in a day or so.
What I didn’t know was if Carson was still in Germany or not.
I pulled out my phone and opened my messages. There was the typical one from Mama, letting me know what she and Margot got up to during the evening, and some messages from some of my friends back in the States and even a few messages from those I’d served with who were still at Bagram.
There wasn’t a single message from Carson.
Unable to stop myself, I texted.
Roman
I’m starting to think you’re in a ditch somewhere.
Carson
I’m not in a ditch.
Sorry if I worried you.
Roman
Well, that’s good to hear. I’m guessing breakfast is off?
Carson
Yeah.
Sorry.
There’s a problem.
Roman
With breakfast?
Carson
Yes and no.
It’s not the meal.
I’m enlisted, and you’re not.
Roman
True, but…
Carson
There are no buts.
You know that. We both do.
I can’t risk it.
That sounded ominous, but I knew better than to ask. He wasn’t going to say anything more. So, instead, I replied the way I should and not how I wanted to.
Roman
Take care of yourself and stay in touch.
Carson
You do the same.
I put my phone away and put the car in gear while I shoved the gut-wrenching loss away. There wasn’t anything we could do. He was right. Even a friendship between officer and enlisted was frowned upon. And while I would settle for a friendship, that isn’t what I wanted from him. Not completely, anyway. I wanted to be his friend, of course, but I also wanted to be his lover, his partner, and everything else in between.
I wanted that so much. I had since the first time I realized my feelings for him were more than friendly.
I’d heard Carson’s dad, Calhoun, tell Carson once to put his wants in one hand and shit in the other and see which filled up faster. He was right, even though I found the euphemism gross. I could want Carson all day long, but that didn’t mean I’d ever get him. There were other powers in play. Things that kept us from being together.
Hell, I didn’t even know if that was something he’d be interested in. If I were someone he’d be interested in. At least I didn’t know for certain. The vibe I got from him definitely made me hopeful, but there were just too many obstacles between us. Military policies drew a line in the sand that couldn’t be ignored.
A car horn grabbed my attention. Who knew how long I had sat there with the car in gear and my foot on the brake? Sighing at my stupidity, I backed out of the parking space and headed toward the house. My baby girl was at home waiting for me. I needed to focus on her and not on the divining rod my dick turned into when Carson was around. Margot had to be my priority. I was the only parent she had left, after all.
Mama was already up when I arrived home if the smell of breakfast and coffee was anything to go by.
“Roman, sweetie, is that you?”
I rolled my eyes as I slipped off my shoes. I didn’t know who else she thought it would or could be. The house was always locked up tighter than Fort Knox.
I bit back the smart aleck comment, not wanting to get my mouth washed out with soap, and replied, “Yes, Mama. It’s me.”
It was early days yet, but I was happy with this move. The house was incredible or would be once I figured out how to keep Margot from taking another header off the stairs. The job was the perfect balance of chaos and calm, and once I got Carson out of my thoughts and pulled my head from my rear end, I was sure my co-workers and I would form a friend group to keep me entertained away from work and on shift.
When I joined the Army as a doctor, I never imagined I’d be living in Germany, much less with my mother, but I was so grateful for her. She stepped up when Margot’s mama took off, becoming Margot’s primary caregiver when I couldn’t.
Sasha had been a mistake right until she told me she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend were looking for a threesome, and I got to be the lucky guy.
Or so I thought.
I still didn’t know how I got her pregnant. The bisexual in me was very demisexual. My attraction to women showed up rarely and only when there was a friendship between me and the girl.
I went through an entire box of condoms that night, but none of them had been used on her until Sasha switched things up. She wanted to be tag teamed. I had no desire to go down that road. Michael was who I wanted, but he’d turned those puppy dog eyes on me, and I gave in. Sasha took one look at my dick and refused to let me take her from behind. She shoved Michael over to a chair and stared me in the eye as she split her ass with his cock. Then she spread her legs grabbed my dick and guided it in her. She wasn’t a fan of kissing. Screaming, yes. Kissing no. So I got lost in Michael’s lips. The man could wipe your memory of all coherent thought when he kissed you.
Afterward, something had pushed me to check the condom. It was fine. As much of an inconvenience as becoming a father was when I least expected it, I accepted the change of course and altered my plans. Finishing med school became a bigger pain than it already was, but Margot more than made up for it.
And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“Daddy!”
Thundering feet sounded from the second floor, rushing toward the stairs like a herd of elephants. I moved toward the stairs but stopped when the footsteps slowed. A smile broke my face as I sighed with relief.
The elephants returned a few moments later, and then, Margot appeared, calling out to me again. That little voice made everything worthwhile.
A flurry of pink with space bun hair sprinted down the hall toward me. I kneeled, opening my arms to catch her when she launched herself at me.
“Hello, punkin!” I cry, covering her face and neck with kisses until she wiggled and giggled in my arms.
“No! Daddy! That tickles!”
Stopping, I set her down on her feet. “You realize there are other colors in the rainbow besides pink, dontcha punkin?”
She wore something pink every day. It didn’t matter if it matched or not. Most days, she dressed in fifty shades of pink.
“Uh huh, but pinks best, dough.”
“I’ll take your word for her, baby girl.”
“Though, not dough, Margot.”
“That’s what I said, Nana.” The kid had spunk to spare and never failed to dish it out, especially to her doting grandmother. I wouldn’t have gotten away with that as a kid. I still wouldn’t.
“Where’s Carson?” she asked, looking toward the door and frowning at the empty space behind me.
Looking down at my mini-me, I sighed. “He had to leave, baby girl.”
“I wanted to show him my room.”
I glanced at my mother, and she said, “This is all you. I’m going to get the biscuits out of the oven.”
“I know, but Carson has a different kinda job. He has to go away a lot.”
“When will he be back?”
“He lives in Virginia, punkin. He was just here for a bit on his way home from Afghanistan.”
“Oh,” she replied.
Her little face fell. I wanted to tell her I felt her pain. I wanted Carson here with us, too, but her questions cemented the argument that his job was just as big an obstacle as DADT and the fraternization policy.