What About Now (Everlasting Ink #4)

Chapter 3

CHAPTER

THREE

Brogan

Maddox pulls his truck into my driveway and puts it in Park. The house is dark, and loneliness washes over me. I’ve been living here on my own for a while, but tonight it feels different. The emptiness that waits for me is pressing into my chest like a ton of bricks.

“I’ll get your door,” he says, his voice gruff from the silence on the drive home from the airport.

I clear my throat. “I can get it.”

Maddox reaches over and places his hand on my arm. “Let me, Brogan.” There’s an earnest look in his eyes, almost pleading. I give him a subtle nod. We need to talk anyway.

A few seconds later, he’s pulling open the passenger door and offering me his hand. “Let’s get you inside,” he says.

I take his hand and climb out of the truck. The winter air whips around us. Maddox places his hand on the small of my back and starts to lead me toward the house. “My bag.”

“I’ll come back and get it. Let’s get you inside where it’s warm.”

I want to argue with him. I want to tell him I’m not fragile, but suddenly, I feel fragile. As if I’m a piece of glass that can shatter in an instant. I’m happy for my sister and my nieces. They’re living their happily ever after, one I’m certain Forrest will work tirelessly to provide for them.

However, as my husband guides me up onto the front porch of my empty home, that’s all I feel.

Empty.

Lonely.

I’ve been doing this on my own for several weeks now. This isn’t new, but it feels new. The weight of the drunken mistake Maddox and I made, coupled with the fact that it’s finally sinking in that my sister and my nieces aren’t coming home, presses heavily against my chest. They’re not just having an extended stay at Forrest’s house. He’s their family now. They’re his, and I’m just me.

I’m jolted out of my thoughts when Maddox bends over and lifts me into his arms. I yelp in surprise and wrap my arms around his neck to hold on tight. “What are you doing? Put me down,” I scold. I swear this man has lost his grip on reality.

“Can’t do that. As your husband, it’s my duty to carry you over the threshold.”

“Maddox.” I sigh. Partly because I’m exhausted already and we haven’t really discussed how we are going to handle this. Not in depth. And the other part? That part melts for this man. I’ve wanted him for so long, and it cracks my heart wide open, knowing he deserves better than someone who is broken and can’t trust. If only things were different. If only my past didn’t control so much of my present. I’ve been working with my therapist, the one that Briar and I are both seeing. I’m better, but I’m still… not good enough for a man like Maddox.

Maddox Lanigan is covered in tattoos, his muscles have muscles, and his smile… it melts me every single time he flashes it my way. He’s everything every woman wants, well, everything I want, but I know what I bring to the table. Anxiety, trust issues, and fear. Fear of losing those I love. That’s all I really know, losing people. Sure, I have my sister and her twin daughters, but I’ve lost them, too, in a way. We were a team, the four of us, and now they have a new team they’re playing for, and that’s okay. I’m happy for them, but I’m really fucking sad for me.

Everyone I love leaves in one way or another, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle losing Maddox if I allowed myself to think of him as mine.

“Type in the code, baby.”

I want to argue, but instead, I type in the passcode for the front door and twist the handle. Maddox kicks it gently with his foot and steps inside with me in his arms. He carries us toward the couch, and instead of placing me back on my feet, he turns and sits, leaving me on his lap. I try to scramble free, but his hold is too tight.

“Let me hold you,” he mumbles, and I immediately stop trying to move off his lap. “Thank you.” He pushes my hair behind my ear.

“Thank you for the ride.”

He smirks. “You’re welcome. That’s the least I can do for my new bride.”

I release a heavy sigh. “Come on, Maddox. Let’s be real. We have to get this marriage annulled.”

“We don’t have to.” He gives me a pleading puppy-dog look.

“We do. We’re not in love, Maddox. We went to Vegas, drank too much, and got married in our drunken stupor. That is not the makings of a successful marriage.”

“Think of the story we’ll tell our kids and grandkids.”

My heart squeezes inside my chest. “No kids. No grandkids.”

“Really?” he asks, surprised. “You don’t want kids?”

“I want kids. We’re not having kids. We’re not married, Maddox. Not really. We’re not even dating.”

“Then date me. While we’re married,” he adds quickly.

“What?” I still can’t believe this is his response to the situation we’ve found ourselves in.

“I care about you,” he says. His voice is soft, and the look in his eyes tells me he believes what he’s saying, too bad I can’t allow myself to believe him. “Like I said. For months, I’ve wanted you, but thought I had to stay away. I didn’t want to complicate things with Forrest and Briar. What if we didn’t work out? Where would that leave our group? I pushed what I wanted to the back burner, and I regret it. Maybe we could have had a double wedding.” He winks.

I want to tell him that I’ve felt the same way, but I can’t find the words. My heart is currently celebrating that this amazing man wants me. Wants me, even if we can’t stay married. My heart is racing like I just ran a 5K.

“It’s still too complicated. My sister is still married to your best friend. Our lives are still too intertwined.”

“But what if it isn’t too complicated?” Maddox asks. “What if it’s everything we could have ever imagined for ourselves?”

“But what if it isn’t?” I counter. At this point, we both sound like broken records, and we keep talking in circles.

“Brogan, you feel it, right? This spark that ignites between us?”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to lie to him, but that’s not who I am. “Yeah,” I agree softly. “But, Maddox, sparks don’t mean we should stay married.”

“I get it. It’s not ideal, but, Brogan, I’ve wanted you for a long damn time, and now that you’re mine, I can’t let you go.”

“You have to.” I stand from his lap, and this time, he lets me. “I need to use the restroom.” Okay, so that’s a lie, but not completely. I do need to use the restroom as a place of reprieve and to put some distance between us. His scent and his arms wrapped around me is altering my ability to think clearly.

“I’ll be here.” He smiles softly, and damn him, my heart melts. He’s such a great guy—kind, and caring, and sexy as hell. In another life, I would jump at the chance to be married to him, but it just won’t work. It’s too complicated. There are too many wires in our lives that are crossed. His best friend, my sister, my nieces. He’s thinking the glass is half full, and I’m a half-empty girl. Life experience has taught me hope is fickle at best.

Once inside the bathroom, I twist the lock and brace my hands on the counter. Bowing my head, I focus on pulling in a deep breath. How did I let this happen? I never drink too much. I never let myself indulge like that. Not after what happened the summer after high school graduation. That’s not me, and it’s freaking me out that I don’t remember.

My cell rings, breaking me out of my thoughts. I rush to pull it out of my back pocket to see Briar’s name on the screen. “Hey you,” I answer, trying to hide the anxiety that’s coursing through my veins.

“Did you make it home okay?” she asks.

“I did. Maddox drove me home.” He’s still sitting in my living room.

“Husbands are good for that,” she teases.

I groan. “Not you too.”

My sister laughs. “I couldn’t help myself.”

“How did I let this happen, Briar? I don’t let myself get out of control, not after—” I stop because if anyone knows why I keep a tight leash on my drinking and actions, it’s my sister.

“You don’t see it, do you?”

“I guess not. Enlighten me, ole wise one.”

“You feel safe with him, Brogan. Last night you knew that no matter what, Maddox would take care of you.”

“He was drunk too!” I say a little too loudly and peer at the door, waiting for Maddox to knock.

“He was, but you knew even then he would never hurt you.” She stops there, giving her words a chance to sink in. “He’s a good man, Brogan. He cares about you.”

“We’re friends.”

“Friends don’t look at each other the way Maddox looks at you. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you look at him, too, when you think no one is watching.”

“Whatever,” I grumble. She’s right, at least about me watching him. I can’t seem to help myself. The man is perfection, but that’s still not reason enough to stay married. “He wants to stay married.”

“You like him. I’ll even go as far as to say that you care about him.”

“We’re not even dating. We can’t just wake up married after a drunken night in Vegas and say, ‘Hey, let’s give this a whirl.’ That’s insane, Briar.”

“Meh,” she replies. “If I’ve learned anything since meeting Forrest, it’s that this is our life. We only get one and we can do with it what we choose. Living in fear keeps you from experiencing some of the most blissful moments.”

“We know that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows,” I remind her.

“We do. That’s why we fight harder for the good times. It took me time, but I let Forrest in, and now look at us. The girls and I have our happily ever after.”

“You dated first,” I mumble.

“Who cares? Toss society’s rules out of the window. This is your life, Brogan. You get to decide what makes you happy.”

“What happens when it doesn’t work out?”

“If. If it doesn’t work out, and you don’t know how it’s going to end. None of us do. All you can do is give it everything you have and see where it takes you.”

Her words give me hope. “Now you sound like Susan,” I tell her. Susan is the therapist that we both started seeing a couple of months ago. She’s incredible and talking to her on my own and with my sister has helped me so much to get over the traumas of our past, but I’m still a work in progress.

“So I sound intelligent? Thanks, sis,” she teases.

“I should get back out there.”

“Out where?”

“The living room. I needed a few minutes, so I locked myself in the bathroom,” I admit. “Maddox is waiting for me.” I don’t say might be, because I know him well enough to understand he’s not going anywhere until we make a decision that could affect our entire group of friends and family, not just us.

“You can trust him, Brogan. Take a gamble; you might be surprised where that chance leads you. I love you, big sister.” I can hear the smile in her voice. As twins, I’m two minutes older and she very rarely admits to me being her big sister.

“Love you too.” I end the call, shove my phone back into my jeans pocket, exhale, and twist the lock before pulling open the door.

“Everything okay?” Maddox asks as soon as he sees me.

“Yeah. Sorry, Briar called. She just wanted to make sure I made it home okay.”

He nods and pats the couch cushion next to him. Once I’ve taken my seat, he turns to face me, and I do the same. Our knees are touching, and I ignore the heat that flows from his body to mine.

“I’m a simple man, Brogan. I love my friends and the business we’ve built with our blood, sweat, and tears. I love my family. I pay my taxes, I don’t lie or cheat, and I keep my promises.”

These are all things I knew about him already. Well, maybe not the taxes part, but one can only assume being one fifth of a successful growing business, paying taxes is a given. Why he’s telling me all this is yet to be determined. I open my mouth to ask, but he takes my hand in his, and I clamp my mouth shut.

“I’ve always followed my gut. Once in my life, I didn’t, and this—me and you—that’s fate's way of telling me I fucked up and is fixing my mistake. I want you, Brogan. I want to come home to you. I want to cuddle with you on the couch after a long day at the shop. I want to hold you as you drift off to sleep, and I want to be the first person you see each morning when you wake up.”

“Maddox….” My voice trails off because what do I say to that?

“I know we aren’t dating, but we should have been. I should have followed my gut. My instincts were telling me you were the one. That’s my fuck up, and I won’t make it twice, which is why I have a proposition for you.”

“What kind of proposition?”

Maddox stands from his seat on the couch, only to kneel again. I turn my body to face him, and he takes my hands in his. “Give me six months. To date you. To show you how good we will be together. Give me six months to make you fall in love with me.”

“So, you want to date, but only for six months?”

“Yes, well no. I want to date you, but not as my girlfriend. As my wife. I want to date my wife.” He gives me an adorable, endearing grin that’s hard as hell to resist. “I want us to give this everything we have.”

“I already care about you. Six months with you, to let you go. That’s going to bring heartbreak and confusion, and a whole lot of messiness with our friends and family.”

“Baby, you have us divorced before we even try. Trust me, I know for certain if you kick my ass to the curb after six months, my heart will be in tattered pieces all over the living room floor. You’re worth the risk. I believe in what we could be.” He lifts my hand and places it over his heart. “You and me, Mrs. Lanigan. Six months.”

“What happens if in that time we’re still not sure?” I don’t need that long. I know my heart will be pulverized if I have him for any amount of time, only for him to walk away. But I’ve lived through worse. That’s the story of my life. That’s the way my book was written.

“I’m pretty sure that’s enough time to know if we’re falling harder than what we already are.”

“What does that look like? Us dating?”

“Married and dating. We live together. My place or yours, but you have more space. We sleep next to one another and share our lives with each other. I want you twisted in every fiber of my life, and my soul, Brogan.”

I want that. I want it all. Everything he just said, I want more than anything, but I don’t deserve it. Maybe I should just take what time I can get with him, and when he realizes I’m a mess of epic proportions, he’ll cut ties, and I can quietly lick my wounds.

“I don’t trust easily. I’ll drive you insane with all of my questions and the constant need for reassurance. I’m broken, Maddox. I’m working on it, but it’s a long road to travel.”

“Let me take that road with you.” His eyes are locked on mine. “Let me be the man who stands next to you and gives you all the reassurance you need. Ask me as many questions as you want. I’ll answer every single one of them with nothing but complete honesty.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” I tell him.

A slow, sexy smile tugs at his lips. “I need to hear you say it, baby.”

“Six months.” I nod, letting him know that I’m agreeing. My heart tells me this is a grand plan, while my head is full of the opposite. However, it’s my heart that’s leading this time, and the way it’s racing at the thought of Maddox being mine, even for a short amount of time, sets something ablaze inside me. Something a lot like hope infused with happiness.

“Six months what?”

“We date for six months.” I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. It’s crazy, and not me at all, but it's not like he’s a stranger. I know Maddox; at least I’m pretty sure I do. Anxiety starts to kick in, but he rests his palms on my cheeks, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Focus on me, baby.”

I nod again. “We stay married. Six months. Dating.”

He smirks. “We have one more decision to make.”

“What’s that?”

“Your place or mine?”

“I love this house. It was my grandmother’s.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” His hands are still cupping my face. His eyes, still laser focused on mine.

“Yes,” I whisper, like there are other people here to listen to our conversation.

“I love this house. I kept waiting for it to go on the market, but it never did. I saw that someone had moved in. I never could have imagined it would have been my future wife.”

“Stop.” I laugh.

“I’m telling you the truth. Ask the guys. I even told them when we were here for the first time for the girls’ birthday party back in the summer.”

“Well, I guess that means you’re my new roommate.”

“Husband, roommate, bedmate, secret keeper, question answerer, and whatever else you want me to be. I want you to be mine, Brogan. My everything.”

His answer is honest, and playful, and it feels normal for us, and what we’ve been to one another up to this point. “Does that mean you’re mine?” I hate that I ask the question, and I bite down on my bottom lip, pissed at myself for letting the question fall from my lips.

His eyes soften. “That’s exactly what it means.” He removes his left hand from my face and wiggles his fingers, his wedding band on full display. “Only you, Brogan.”

“Gah, are we really doing this?” I ask. I feel giddy at the thought, and if I’m being honest, I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.

“You already agreed. No take backs. Besides, you said ‘I do’.”

“Do you remember it? The wedding?”

He shakes his head. “No, but I wish I did. We’ll have to plan another one so we can remember it.”

“Six months,” I remind him.

“I don’t need six days. I want this. I want you. I’ve been falling hard for you for the last several months. These feelings are not new for me. I understand it’s going to take you some time to catch up. Just know that mine are only going to grow.”

“Do we hide this? That we got drunk married?”

“No. Fuck that. No. I’m not hiding. We’re married. You are my wife. We’re in this all the way, Brogan. Sure, it’s unconventional, but our life is what we make it, and I want to make it with you.”

“Charmer.”

“Only for my wife.” He leans forward and presses his lips to the corner of my mouth. “Let me run outside and grab our bags. I only have one client tomorrow, so I’ll bring over more of my stuff then.”

“Okay.”

He climbs to his feet, presses his lips to the top of my head, and goes out to grab our bags. I remain where I’m sitting on the couch and let my new reality sink in.

I’m married.

I’m married to Maddox.

My life is about to get turned upside down. That’s what hope does to you. Then again, maybe it’s my nervous excitement at the mere thought of it being just the two of us, even for a short amount of time. I can admit that I want to be wrong. I want to be his, and I want him to be mine more than anything.

I guess only time will tell.