Chapter 15
CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
Brogan
My hands shake, and my palms are sweaty as I keep my eyes glued to the landscape passing by outside the window of Maddox’s truck. When we pull up into the lot of my therapist’s office, I take in a deep breath and slowly exhale, trying to calm my nerves.
“I don’t have to go with you,” Maddox tells me. “Babe, if this is too much for you, we can wait until you’re ready.”
“No. I need to do this.” I turn to face him. “Susan thinks this will help, and she’s helped me so much since I’ve started seeing her.” I reach over and take his hand, and he slides his fingers between mine. “I’m not ready to lose this.” I give his hand a soft squeeze.
“Brogan—” he starts, but I shake my head, cutting him off.
“Can we not? Let’s just go inside.”
He nods and leans over the console to kiss my lips. He drops my hand and climbs out of the truck, rushing to my side to open the door. He didn’t have to tell me to stay put this time. I want to soak up as much of his attention as I can. Because things might come up today—the truth of my anxiety—and he could decide this is it. He could choose to say to hell with the rest of the weeks that we have in our agreement and walk.
I’m counting down those weeks as if the world is ending, and if I’m being honest, that’s what it feels like. I can’t imagine my life without Maddox. Sure, he’ll still be around, but not in our house, in our bed, and not as my husband. Just the thought has pain filling my chest.
With his hand around my waist, he leads me into the building. I feel like I’m on autopilot as we step onto the elevator, and I push the button for the third floor. I can’t believe I asked him to come with me. This has to be a mistake. No good can come out of him hearing more details about my broken past.
Maddox keeps me tucked into his side as we exit the elevator. I keep my head down because I feel as though I’m seconds away from losing my grip on my sanity.
I’m not ready to lose him.
It’s not until I hear my name do I look up from the tile flooring. My mouth drops open and it takes me a few heartbeats to find my voice.
“Briar?”
Her eyes soften, and she smiles. “Hey.”
“What are you doing here?” I can’t pull my eyes away from my twin sister.
She shrugs. “I was in the neighborhood.” I give her a disbelieving look, and she chuckles. “Fine. I knew you were nervous about today, and I wanted to be here for you. I’m just going to sit out here and wait, and if you need me, I’ll be here.” She glances at my husband, who has yet to speak but still has his arm wrapped tightly around my waist. “I know she’s yours now, and I know you’ve got her, but I needed to be here. I could feel it here”—she places her hand over her heart—“that you needed me.”
“She is mine,” Maddox tells her. “But she is also yours. We’re a family, and our girl needs both of us.”
Tears well in my eyes. For so long, it’s been Briar and me against the world, and now, here is this man who I’ve completely fallen for standing tall next to me, supporting me in ways I never thought possible.
Heels clicking gain our attention, and I turn to see Susan walking out of her office. “Good morning.” She smiles. “Briar, I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“Just hanging out here in the lobby. I have a book with me.” She pats her purse.
Susan nods. “Hi, I’m Susan.” She offers Maddox her hand.
“Maddox Lanigan, Brogan’s husband.” He introduces himself, and if I’m not mistaken, there’s a hint of pride in his voice.
“Nice to meet you, Maddox. Are we ready?” Susan asks us.
I nod, because I can’t seem to find the words. Maddox and I move to follow Susan into her office, but I stop and turn to look at Briar. “Come with me?”
Briar is up and out of her seat and making her way toward me. She grabs my hand and leads me into the office. Susan doesn’t say a word about Briar being here with us. Briar takes one of the chairs, while Susan takes the other, and Maddox and I sit on the love seat facing them.
“Maddox, I asked Brogan to invite you to a session so I could help assist her with working through telling you about some past traumas.”
“Thank you,” Maddox replies.
“Brogan, are you still okay if we talk freely with both Maddox and Briar here?”
“Yes.” I nod and twist my hands together in my lap.
“Briar, since you are also a patient, I have to ask you the same. Are you okay to proceed with Maddox here?”
“He’s my brother. Of course I am.”
My eyes snap to my sister, and she smiles at me, mouthing, “I love you,” and bobs her head.
Maddox reaches over and places his hand over mine. I stop twisting them together and instead open my palm, accepting his, linking our fingers together. I can already feel the calm washing over me. How he does that, I’ll never know.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I blurt.
“That’s what I’m for,” Susan says gently. “Brogan, tell me how you feel.”
“Broken.”
“What?” Maddox turns in his seat to look at me. He studies my face, and even though I want to look away, I can’t seem to force myself to do so. “Brogan, baby, you’re not broken.”
“Aren’t I?” I counter.
“What are you afraid of, Brogan?” Susan asks.
“Losing the people I care about.” My eyes fall to my lap. I can’t face him or my sister.
“Loss is a part of life,” Susan reminds me kindly. “What else weighs heavily on you?”
I want to yell at her to shut the hell up, but I remind myself she’s just doing her job. She’s here to help me, and even though she knows the answer, she’s going to make me say it. Something I’ve never said out loud to anyone but her.
“Guilt,” I mumble.
“Do you want to talk about that?” Susan asks.
No, Susan, I don’t want to talk about it. “Not really,” I admit, keeping the snark to myself.
“Brogan.” Briar’s voice cracks, and I lift my head to look at her. Even from my spot across the room, I see the tears swimming in her eyes.
Something inside me breaks, as I feel my own tears burn behind my eyes. “I wanted to go that night.” My voice is raspy. I swallow past the lump in the back of my throat and keep going. I knew this is what today would be, so I need to pull up my big girl pants and rip off the Band-Aid.
“I wanted to go. You didn’t. You said we wouldn’t know anyone, but those cute guys from the deli invited us, and I wanted to go.” A hot tear rolls across my cheek. “I begged you, and you gave in because you’re my sister, and you didn’t want me to go alone.”
I choke back a sob before continuing, “It’s my fault. I never should have begged you to go to that party. We had barely graduated high school. We had no business at a college party with guys who were getting ready to graduate and that we didn’t know.”
Tension radiates off Maddox, but I can’t look at him. I can’t look at any of them, and they all remain quiet, giving me the time I need to work through these feelings that I’ve only ever spoken to Susan.
“I’m the older sister. I should have been more responsible. We never should have taken drinks from them, and I never should have left your side for a second.” I focus on breathing because I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. When I’ve finally calmed my breathing, I look up to find my sister with tearstained cheeks.
“What happened that night was not your fault, Brogan. We couldn’t control that they drugged us. There was no way you could have stayed glued to my side, because they made sure of it. Should we not have been there? I don’t know. I’d like to think that they were only four years older than us. It’s not like we were hanging out with men twenty years older than us. What they did was wrong. They are the ones to blame. I hate that we’ll never know who they are. I used to hate that my daughters would never have a father, but that all changed for me in the last year. I met an amazing man who gave me the time I needed to get to know him. He gave me patience and love, and he showed me that my past does not define me, or my daughters. My babies have a daddy. His blood might not be flowing through their veins, but I know in here”—she places her hand over her chest—“and in here”—she taps her index finger against her temple—“that no man could ever love them more than he does. He showed me that there are good men out there. He gave me, you, and the girls a family. Something we’ve been missing outside of the four of us for far too long.”
I can’t stop the tears as they cascade down my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” Briar’s voice is stern. “Don’t apologize to me. I agreed to go. If I’m being honest, I wanted to go, but I was intimidated that we wouldn’t know anyone there, but I knew that I would have you. I still have you, and you have me, but we have a group of amazing people who have chosen to be our family.”
“I don’t remember that night. I know you don’t either, and I hate that. I hate that I don’t know what they did to us. I hate that the girls will one day know and look at us differently. I hate them. I don’t know who they are, but I hate them. I don’t know what they did,” I repeat.
“We’re okay,” Briar says softly. “We’re stronger than the pain. We’ve come so far since that night.”
“I miss Dad,” I tell her.
“Me too.” Briar smiles through her tears. “He would have loved the men in our lives and our new family. I tell Forrest often that Dad would have loved him and the guys.” She turns her eyes to Maddox. “He would have loved you for Brogan.”
Maddox shifts beside me, but I don’t dare look at him. “Baby.” One word, whispered in his broken voice, has me turning my head. His eyes are haunted and glassy, as if he, too, is on the verge of tears. We stare at each other for several long heartbeats before he speaks up.
“I hate them too. I hate that they stole so much from you and your sister. I hate them because they’re holding you back from living. I hate them because you’re mine, and I can’t defend you by kicking their ass,” he says, and despite my tears, I smile.
Maddox stands and drops to his knees in front of me. He takes my hands in his, and everything and everyone else fades away. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, but I need you to know that I’m here for you. Whatever you need. If you want to cry, scream, fight, whatever you need, I’m your man. Me. I’m the man who wants to stand next to you while you fight the demons of your past. I’m the man who you can depend on. Let me be your pillar of strength until you find the strength that I know lives inside you.”
“You still want me?” I ask him.
“Yes. I want you. Today, tomorrow, and every day after. I fall harder for you every single day, and I can’t imagine doing life without you.”
A sob breaks free from my chest, and my body shakes. “M—Mad—” I can’t even say his name because I’m crying so hard.
He sits beside me and lifts me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me. “I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you,” he repeats, holding me tightly. “Together, remember what we said? We’re in this together. You and me, we’re one unit now. There is no me without you, and we’ll get through this. Whatever you need. I’m right here, Brogan.”
I don’t know how long I cry in his arms, but I do know that something inside me feels lighter. When I’ve exhausted my tears, I lift my head from his shoulder, and he smiles. His hands lift to gently rest against my cheeks. His thumb traces beneath my eyes. “I want you. I want your past, your present, and your future. For better or worse, right?” He grins.
“I don’t remember that either,” I tell him.
“Then we renew our vows. You tell me when and where, or I can handle it and tell you when and where. Whatever you need, Brogan. It’s yours, as long as it includes me standing next to you.”
“You really mean that?”
“I love you, Brogan Lanigan. You’ve completely stolen my heart, and I’m sorry to tell you, baby, there are no givebacks. Not this time.”
I sit up straighter, and his hands fall back to his sides. “Did you just—” I turn to look at my sister. She’s crying and smiling, her hands resting over her heart as she watches us. “Did he just—” I can’t even say the words. I must not have heard him correctly.
Briar nods, so I turn my eyes to Susan. She’s also smiling and nodding. That gives me the courage to look back at Maddox, who’s wearing a lazy grin.
“I’m head over heels in love with you. I know you’re not there yet, and that’s okay, but I need you to know you’re not alone. You have me, your sister, and our entire family. We’re an off mix, but we’re your ride or die until the end.”
I’m smiling and the words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t seem to force them past my lips.
“Brogan?” I turn to face Susan when she speaks. “How do you feel?”
I can’t help it; I laugh. “I feel… lighter. I feel lucky to be here. I feel sad because I miss my dad. I feel sad that my decision changed my life and my sister’s. I also feel relief. I thought he’d walk away.” I pull my eyes back to Maddox. “I was sure you’d see all my broken pieces and bail. I never expected you to be here, and telling me that you love me…. I didn’t expect that, or you, Maddox Lanigan.”
“Your pieces aren’t broken, baby. They’re just a little out of order, but we’re rearranging them. Together.”
I slide off his lap and meet my sister's eyes. “See what I mean? He always knows what to say.” I wipe at my eyes.
“Love does that to you. Just ask Forrest, or Roman, or Legend.” She grins. “And your husband.” She winks at him. “We have a family now who love and support us. I’ll always miss Dad, but we have his memory, which will never leave us. He’s a part of us in everything that we do. We can miss him, but we can’t let the pain keep us from loving again. Missing out on the love that Forrest gives me… I can’t imagine a day of my life without him now.”
“What she said,” Maddox says, reaching over and lacing his fingers through mine.
“I’m proud of you,” Susan tells me. “You’ve made huge strides today, and I’m glad Briar showed up.”
“I’ll always show up,” Briar announces.
“Thank you. All of you. I still have to work through everything bouncing around in my head and in my heart.” I squeeze Maddox’s fingers to let him know I heard him, and I’m not taking his confession lightly.
“Our time is up for today. Days like today remind me of why I love this job.”
“Thank you, Susan.”
She nods, and the three of us file out of her office.
“Want to grab something to eat?” I ask Briar.
“Nah, you two go ahead. I’m going home to rescue Roman. He’s off today, so he has the girls and Lilly.”
I pull my sister into a hug. “Thank you for being here. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We ride the elevator back to the first floor and split ways. “Where to?” Maddox asks.
“Do you have work today?”
“No. I moved all of my clients.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not. There was nothing that could have kept me from being here for you today.”
“Let’s go home.”
“Are you hungry? We can stop and eat or hit a drive-thru.”
“Let’s just heat up the leftover spaghetti from last night.”
“Done.” He starts the truck and points it toward home. The one we share together.
For the first time, I allow myself to think about what happens beyond six months. Maddox loves me, and I know that I love him, but something kept me from saying it. I need a little time to process today.
Before I know it, we’re pulling into the driveway. “Looks like we got a package,” I tell Maddox, seeing the white box leaning against the front door. “Did you order something?”
“Nope. I assumed it was yours.”
Exiting the truck, we make our way onto the front porch. Maddox picks up the box and reads the label. “Little White Wedding Chapel.” He looks up at me. “Vegas address.”
Something an awful lot like fear washes over me. What if there was a mistake? What if we’re not really married? It’s at this moment, standing on my front porch, that the love I feel for my husband truly hits me.