When You Were Mine (Mistletoe and Silver Foxes #2)

Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Wait, Darby proposed?

Jessica stared at the menu, seeing nothing but a sea of letters.

Now that she thought about it, Trevor hadn’t touched his fiancée. Not once. He’d shown concern, sure, but never affection. In fact, he treated her like a friend.

Is Darby his Joel?

The thought sped through her like a bullet, shock waves splintering every molecule in her body.

Because it opened the door to possibility, and that was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.

The past two days with Trevor only confirmed the obvious. She and Joel didn’t have chemistry. She liked him. Joel was a good, decent man, but he didn’t provoke her, challenge her, excite her… His touch didn’t set her on fire.

He wasn’t Trevor.

Damn, if he hadn’t shut her out of his holiday trip, if she hadn’t had this distance, she might not have seen the weak foundation of their relationship. How many times had she reminded herself to call or text her fiancé? And still, she hadn’t done it. Neither had he. She could chalk it up to them both being busy, but the truth was…she didn’t miss him.

Of course, she was preoccupied with Trevor.

Even more so now that she understood his engagement wasn’t a love match. She had no doubt about that.

“You know what you want?” Trevor’s voice busted through her thoughts, returning her to the moment.

She tuned into the Christmas music and lively chatter and breathed in the smell of roasted meat and warm bread. “I have no idea.” She scanned the menu. “What looks good to you?”

“I’m getting the sushi festival.” He wore a beanie and scarf, thinking no one would recognize him.

And, sure, maybe they wouldn’t know it was Trevor Montgomery, the movie star, but they’d still take a second look. They’d stare. Because he was dashing. Those blue eyes set against tan skin and dark hair, that expressive mouth…

God, the way he used to kiss her. From her earlobes down to the soles of her feet, those lips had traveled every inch of her.

Rattled at the direction of her thoughts, she said, “I’d expect nothing less.” Which made no sense whatsoever.

“Oh yeah? How’s that?” he asked with a lift of an eyebrow.

“You lead a glamorous life.” She scrambled to force the words coming out of her mouth to make sense. “You go to galas, travel the world. Your life’s one big festival.” You really need to stop talking.

“I think, if you’re only looking at photos of me at the Oscars and screenings, you could get that impression.”

“But in reality?”

He nodded as if willing to give her a peek behind the curtain. “In reality, I spent thirty years away from my other half, and it was the loneliest goddamn experience you could ever imagine.”

His fervent tone, the fire in his eyes, snatched her up in his thrall.

I can imagine it because I lived it.

Knowing he did, too… She wanted more.

She wanted this window into his soul.

“I spent twenty-eight years phoning it in with my son. My child . I’m trying to make it up to him, but without the foundation, it’s hard. It sucks. I focused on things that didn’t matter to me and lost the only things that do. And to be honest, I don’t know how to fix anything. But I’ll sure as fuck die trying.”

Her heart pounded. Her palms went clammy. She loosened the scarf around her neck and pulled at the top of her sweater. She was listening with her whole body.

Because he wasn’t the happy-go-lucky movie star who laughed when people looked up his skirt. He was a human being who suffered guilt and was tortured by his failures.

It was humanizing, and it was heartbreaking.

“What a waste of a life.” He yanked off his beanie and scraped his fingers through his hair, scraping it back from his forehead. “Everyone else on the set loved making movies. For them, it was their passion. For me, it was a means to an end.” He jammed the beanie back on. “I’ve only ever fit in one place, and I lost that. I lost you . And yes, you can say it was my choice, but I believed I was doing the right thing. So, fuck the money, fuck the glamour, fuck the magazine covers. None of it matters because I lost you.” He shoved his chair back and got up so quickly the water glasses shook. “And the worst part is knowing it’s entirely my fault.” He balled up his napkin and tossed it on his chair. “Excuse me.” He had to move around the server who’d just shown up to take their order.

“Uh, should I come back?” the young man asked in his distinctively Nordic accent.

Distracted, she forced a smile. “That might be best.” Everything in her screamed to follow Trevor. Be with him. She got up. “Excuse me.” She hurried across the crowded restaurant.

She’d gotten it all wrong, hadn’t she? He really had missed her, longed for her, the way she’d done for him. Blood roared in her ears, and she found it hard to catch her breath.

He was hurting, and she had to get to him. She felt his pain as if it were her own.

She saw his form in the narrow, dark hallway. It was unmistakable. Those broad shoulders, that muscular frame.

And that was when self-preservation kicked in.

Because what did she think would happen when she caught up with him? Did she think she’d comfort him? Soothe him?

Kiss him?

No. No.

This is all wrong.

And what the hell are you doing spending an evening with him anyway? You should check into your hotel.

You’re here for business. Chris is paying you to do a job.

Not to get closure with an ex.

In the dark hallway, she caught up with him. “Hey.” Her smile felt rubbery, but she forced it to stay in place. “I just wanted to let you know that I, uh…” She jerked a thumb over her shoulder like a moron. “I’m going to head out. I’m pretty beat, so I’ll just grab some room service. You know, take a hot bath. So, I’ll just, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow.” With an awkward wave, she spun around.

But just as she took off, a big hand grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her back against a strong chest. Intense, dark eyes captured her. “What just happened?” Trevor asked.

“I just told you I need to check into my hotel.”

“Okay, but in a weird voice.”

“Oh, my robo voice?” She gave a weird laugh. “Yeah, my sister accuses me of that a lot. I think jet lag’s really caught up with me. I’m going to go.”

“You’re running.”

Oh, enough of this crap. Enough letting this man take control of her emotions. “Well, yes, Trevor, I am. And I’m sorry, but I’ve made it clear I don’t want to do this with you. You don’t understand how hard it is for me to hear you say you missed me, you were lonely without me… I don’t know what to do with that. And it doesn’t matter if you’ve known Darby a month or that she’s the one who proposed. The fact remains, you’re getting married .”

“There are things I need to explain later, okay? But for right now, can you please just forget her?”

“No.” She wrenched her arm out of his grip. “Of course not. And it’s not a good look that you can.”

“Trust me when I tell you, Darby’s okay with us talking. She understands.” He was sending her an urgent message, and she was too riled up to receive it. “The only thing that matters right now is us, Elz.” He jerked her closer to him. “You and me.”

“Nothing makes sense to me, and I’m tired. I’m tired, and I want to go to the hotel and…and…process things. Okay? Just let me go.”

“I can’t do that. I can’t let you go.”

“We live in the same town. At some point, I’m sure we’ll meet for coffee.”

“I don’t want coffee with you,” he roared. He closed his eyes and let out a calming breath, but he didn’t loosen his hold. “I’ve made a mess of things, and I’m trying very hard to fix them. I won’t stop until I do.”

Her hands closed around his wrists. His skin was hot, his muscles hard. “You can’t fix this. Too much time has passed.”

“Does it feel like that to you? Because it sure doesn’t to me. Not at all. Swear to God, it feels like us. Like it always was. We are meant to be together.”

“Really? Because in all this time, we never bothered to make our way back to each other. You left me to make money. And even after you reached your goal, you still made more movies. I mean, seriously, let’s stop talking about fantasy and get to the bottom line. You made movies for thirty years , Trevor.”

“I was the franchise. We had a massive cast and crew. We supported an entire town that grew and thrived. If I walked away, it would’ve all shut down.”

“So, you carried the weight of that on your shoulders?” A memory flickered at the edges of her mind.

“It was on my shoulders. You probably didn’t notice, but I only had a few scenes in the fifth movie. That’s because I quit. The film flopped, the franchise was going to end, and that meant the cast and crew would be out of work. The townspeople would lose their livelihoods. They begged me to come back. Pleaded with me.”

And then, the memory flared to life. “The list.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” Right before walking out the door, he’d shown her the list they’d put together in the diner. He’d said it was his motivation. He carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He always had.

“I know I sound full of myself. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the fact remained, they would’ve ended the franchise if I’d left.”

“It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all.” He just didn’t know how charming and open and friendly and appealing he was.

Of course he didn’t. Because his parents were stingy with praise. With love. He wasn’t allowed to be handsome or smart or anything frivolous. He had to be dutiful. His only value was helping. Fixing. Working.

She was beginning to understand him so much better. “What made you finally pull the plug?”

“My son. I saw the way he stepped up to take care of two little girls he didn’t father, and I knew he was a better man than I could ever be. Of course, I couldn’t just quit, so I suggested they do a next generation. I agreed to do small bits in the next two films, but other than that, I’m free.”

So, this is why he’s marrying a woman he met after knowing her for a month. “So, your parents dictated the first half of your life, and the filmmakers dictated the second?”

“Yeah, exactly. And that’s done. The rest of my time on this earth is going to be about me doing what I want.”

“Which is marrying Darby.” She threw it out like an accusation.

“No. No .”

“Dammit, Trevor. Are you marrying her or not?”

“I got engaged two days ago.”

“There you go again. Skirting around the truth. You want to clear the air on what happened in our past, but I can’t do that when you’re hiding something about your future.”

“I understand that. I do.” He lowered his gaze to the floor, one hand rubbing his jaw. Then, it swung back up, and he looked right into her eyes. “But for tonight, I’m asking you a favor. Can we just be two friends from Riverton who happened to meet in Iceland? I want to talk to you, catch up.”

“I honestly don’t know if I can do that.”

Cupping her elbows, he bent his knees so she was eye level. “But will you try? Please? I have an Elzy-shaped hole in my heart, and I need to heal it. I need this. Don’t you?”

Of course she did.

She wasn’t even going to pretend otherwise.

The gastropub was packed and buzzing with conversation. A Christmas tree in the corner twinkled with multi-colored lights, and the servers wore red aprons and Santa hats.

They’d ordered six tasting dishes to share, and they’d been talking so much, they’d hardly eaten.

Jess reached for her wine glass and sipped the crisp Chardonnay. “You know what I can’t figure out?”

“What?” He dipped the focaccia into the smoked bell pepper tartare.

“You hated reading in high school. How did you memorize whole scripts?”

“I didn’t need to. Oh, come on. You know I didn’t act. I shouted as I led soldiers into battle. I yelled a lot. You know what was required of me.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” It dawned on her that his success was the antithesis of his family’s values. Because it put him in the spotlight. It enriched him—and only him. “Come on, I saw you angry, wounded, sad… You did a beautiful job. You even cried when your wife died.”

“When all five of them died.” He gave a wry smile. “We really needed new writers. They kept pulling the same emotional strings in every script.”

“Well, it worked.” She sliced into her hanger steak. “You know what I think?”

“I’d love to know what you think.”

“You were raised by martyrs. So, of course, you never found your passion. You weren’t allowed to do anything so self-indulgent.”

“Oh, I found it all right. I just didn’t keep it.”

Me.

He means me.

And the more he said it, the easier it was to believe. “Because you were taught your needs came second to those who relied on you.” When the full revelation hit, she sat back in her seat. “When you left me, you thought you had no choice but to take care of my family and your parents.”

“Right. I told you that.”

“No.” She shook her head. “What I mean is, you weren’t allowed to have the kind of happiness we had together. It made you feel like you were doing something wrong. You were supposed to put off personal happiness until everyone else in your life was settled. You parents raised you to believe your needs came last.”

“I… Yes. You’re right.”

She’d skirted around it before, but she’d never seen it so clearly. “Trevor, your dad had money in the bank. He could’ve moved to Florida and fished for the rest of his life. Instead, he died alone in a tractor eating the same ham sandwich he’d eaten every day of his life for fifty years.”

Trevor stopped chewing. He reached for his water glass.

“And you just told me you stayed in a career you never even wanted because you ‘owed’ it to the cast, crew, and townspeople.” She reached across and squeezed his hand. “Your parents were wrong. You get to be happy. You get to be fulfilled.” She drew in a breath before saying the one thing that might just kill her. But he needed to hear it. “And if Darby’s your happiness, you have to grab it with all your might.”

Frustration flashed in his eyes, and he pushed his plate away. “I think you’re right.” He shot her a look. “About my parents . I don’t think I realized what a chokehold they had on me.”

“Well, they’re the ones who taught you how the world works. But they were wrong.” The clarity gave her some peace. It wasn’t about me. It was the way he was programmed . “Your dad would be the guy on the plane who saves his wife and son and the people in the seats in front of him and next to him and behind him but dies because he never put on his own mask.”

“He’d think he died a hero. But really, he died on his principles.”

“Which didn’t exactly keep him warm at night.”

“No.” Lifting his water glass, he motioned for the server. “My father was not a happy man.”

“Remember that picture from the paper?” It was the Fourth of July, and everyone lined up on Federal Boulevard to watch the parade. As usual, a photograph hit the front page of the Riverton Ranger . Of course, his parents didn’t waste time on frivolous events like that, so they hadn’t attended.

“Oh yeah. Nothing sums up my dad better than that.”

And then, one day, Trevor and Jessica were wrapping presents for a treasure hunt, using newspapers, and they spotted his dad in the shot. Everyone was smiling—parents standing behind strollers, grandparents waving flags, children eating ice cream cones—having a great time. And there was Mr. Montgomery, doing a chore in town, scowling, squinting, and looking miserable.

“I never wanted to be him.” His eyes held deep sadness.

“Well, you’re not. You went out and had an exciting, different life. It was nothing like his.”

“You’re looking at it from the outside. I’m talking about in here.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “My life’s been about duty and obligation.” Flattening his palms on the table, he leaned forward. “I got it all wrong, but I hope you understand why. I didn’t see a way out. I didn’t see a way to get you that ranch in Calamity unless I took a big chance.”

“Well, guess what, Trevor?” Her tone turned defiant. “I got it all on my own.”

As they neared her hotel, the briny scent of the sea grew stronger. In the harbor, moonlight rocked on the water, and the masts and stays rose tall off sailboats. The hulking bodies of cruise ships lent a sense of foreboding.

It had been a good night. She not only understood him better, but they’d had fun together.

Which brought them to a scary place—were they looking for closure or opening the door to something more? And what if they didn’t want the same thing?

When she got to her room, she’d call Amber. Try to unravel this messy heap of feelings.

“What’s with all the shoes in the window?” He gestured to a store as they walked past.

She was glad for the reprieve. She needed to get out of her own head. “It’s a cute tradition here. Each of the thirteen nights before Christmas, one of the Yule lads comes down from his cave in the mountains to bring little gifts to kids who leave shoes in their windows.”

“That’s right. I heard about that. And if they’re bad, they might get a rotten potato.”

“Ew.” She laughed. “I didn’t know about that part.”

“I’ll skip the potato, but I like the idea of my grandkids running downstairs to check the shoes and finding a little treat. I might do that.”

“Grandkids.” She was finding it easier to accept his family now. “It’s hard to believe we’re that old.”

“Hey, I had Cole young. Very young. You have no idea how confusing it is to look in the mirror and see my dad’s face when I feel the same now as I did in my twenties.”

“Either you’re completely clueless, or you’re fishing for a compliment.” She nudged him. “Because you look nothing like him.” Mr. Montgomery lived his life outdoors in brutal sun and cold. He had leather skin and a solemn expression. “And I’m pretty sure last year’s Rolling Stone article said you were more handsome at the end of the franchise than you were at the beginning. ‘And that’s saying something.’”

He grinned, but she could tell from the way he tipped his chin down that he was uncomfortable with the subject. “I was thinking the same about you.”

“Well, I dye my hair.” She self-consciously touched it. “I don’t know how much gray I have.”

“Now, who’s fishing? Elz, you’re gorgeous. Everywhere we go, heads turn.”

“Yeah, that happens when you hang out with a movie star.”

“Ha. Nope. They don’t recognize me without my kilt.”

Ahead of them, a large group gathered on the sidewalk. Coupled with the music pouring out of the building, she realized it was a club. They continued walking until they heard the familiar beat of “Whoomp! (There it is).”

Reflexively, they looked at each other and burst out laughing. Of course, it was a popular and recognizable party song, so it wasn’t like it was some huge coincidence. But this was their song. They used to dance like fools every time it came on the radio. They’d roll down the windows in Trevor’s truck and thrash around in their seats.

Sensory memories flooded in—the elation of being with him, her hair whipping around her face, arms pumping, hips twisting. She’d been totally uninhibited with him. She hadn’t held back a single part of her.

Back then, she thought she’d had so many problems. She was filled with angst. Only now, looking back, could she see how wonderful their childhood had been.

Because they’d had each other.

He was the best first love she could’ve asked for. He’d been there for her when her mom died—and all the years after—when grief would rise up out of nowhere and flatten her like a bowling pin. He was there for her highs and lows, and he was the man determined to make her dreams come true.

And yes, he’d gone about it the wrong way, but maybe it was time to let go of the pain he hadn’t meant to cause. “Trevor—” But when she looked over, he wasn’t there.

She turned around to find him grooving to their song, and the sight of her ex-boyfriend— and current movie star—jumping and spinning, dropping low and popping up, first one arm then the other swooping, had warmth spreading through her. Because he wasn’t the entitled celebrity she’d created in her mind. He was still the boy she’d once loved so completely.

A small crowd had gathered to watch him, and he caught her hand, tugging her close. Their gazes locked, and a well of emotion threatened to break free.

“Wait, is that—?” a woman began.

But before she could finish her sentence, Trevor wrapped an arm around Jess’s waist and swept her into the club. They left their bags and jackets at the coat check and then moved onto the dance floor.

It was dark, loud, and packed. Bodies were crammed together on the dance floor, going wild with the familiar song, while on stage, a band tuned their instruments.

But Jess was still humming, head spinning. Watching him dance to their song, feeling the heat of his body… This isn’t good for me.

It’s not going to end well.

The song cut off abruptly, and a man spoke into the microphone. “Welcome to the Whiskey Bar, ladies and gents. Tonight, we have a special treat for you. In from London, let’s give a big welcome to One Bad Decision.”

As the room erupted in applause, Trevor led her deeper into the crowd. When they settled, facing the stage, he stood behind her. They didn’t touch, but he was close enough for her to know he was there. It felt…protective.

The band launched into their set. People started dancing, and servers pushed through, their trays held high. But she barely registered the music. Because after an evening together, something had shifted between her and Trevor. The change was undeniable.

A wall was torn down, defenses laid to rest.

Space had opened.

God, all these years, she’d carried a whole bushel of anger and pain, dragged it from one home to another. It weighed her down and left her struggling for breath.

She’d known about the deprivation and neglect of his childhood. Of course she had. She’d not only witnessed it, but she’d tried to compensate for it.

But she’d been an outsider looking in.

For him, it was a belief system wired into his very being. At the time, he couldn’t have made any other choice.

He wanted to be with her more than anything, but he couldn’t have her until he made sure everyone else was happy and settled.

Yeah, she got it now. She did.

He took a step closer, his hands lightly cupping her hips. “You want a drink?”

His deep, sexy voice in her ear sent a flash of heat across her body. With her defenses down, she was all soft and gooey inside. She wanted him to wrap his big, strong arms around her. She wanted to bury her face in his chest. She wanted… God, she wanted so much with him.

All she could do was shake her head.

The melody picked up, and more people swarmed the dance floor. The crowd pressed closer, forcing her to take a step back. She wound up flush against Trevor’s hard, hot body.

A yearning crawled up from the depths and swamped her. She needed to be closer, but at the same time, she couldn’t have that. Because…

Darby.

Remembering his fiancée doused her with cold water. “We should go.” Her voice got lost under the crushing noise, but she didn’t care. He’d either follow or he wouldn’t. But she was going to the hotel. She’d gotten what she wanted, and spending more time with him was just going to hurt.

Aiming for the coat check, she threaded through the crowd, grabbed her belongings, and pushed through the doors. The abrupt shift from hot to cold shocked her body and cleared her mind.

“Hey.” He caught up with her. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I have a busy day tomorrow.” Her hotel was just across the boulevard, situated snugly against the harbor. She started for it.

“Elzy, wait. Talk to me. You’re angry. What did I do?”

Not only was he right, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Nothing. I promise. It’s just time for me to go to bed. I’m here for work, remember?” She couldn’t take one more minute with him. His scent, his extreme masculinity, his desire for her—it was all too much for her system to take. But she knew him. Knew his persistence, so she stopped and faced him. “We’re good. I forgive you. I really do. But that’s where it ends. I forgive you, and now, we carry on.”

He let her get several feet away before he shouted, “After everything I said, you think I’m going back to a life sentence without you? I don’t fucking think so.”

She whirled around to him. “You’re getting married, Trevor.” On the brink of losing control, she spoke in a harsh whisper. “So, just stop it. Stop pretending there’s a future when you’ve got a fiancée whose father might be in the hospital. You haven’t even checked in with her.”

“Because he’s not hurt. I told you that. She only said it to buy me time with you.”

“What?” Okay, now, she was totally confused. “Why would your future wife want us together?”

He stalked over to her and got right up in her face. “I’m not talking about her. I’m talking about us.”

“There is no us.” Dammit . He had to stop this. It was too much. He was too much. His energy surrounded her, engulfed her. “Get that through your thick head. There’s no us anymore, and there never will be.”

“Bullshit.” He hauled her up against him and planted his mouth over hers.

My God. Instantly, she melted into the soft, wet, heat of his mouth. He clutched her to him, his hands digging into the flesh of her ass. And suddenly, she lost all sense of time and place.

She was heading to class, and Trevor was pulling her into a dark corner, pressing her against the wall, and kissing her until she was a hot mess of lust.

Their sweaty bodies were tangled in the back of her Pontiac. The frantic thrusting, the desperate need for friction. His breath at her ear. I love you. I love you so much. I have to have you.

That night in LA, when he’d come home from his shift at the diner and tried to be quiet so he wouldn’t wake her. She’d thrown off the covers, run down the hallway, and leaped into his arms. His big hands cradled her bottom, as he walked her to the couch, bent her over the arm, and thrust into her.

Right then, she needed to touch him, shove her hands under his shirt and feel his skin. His hunger stoked her need, woke up the feral part she thought she’d outgrown. But she hadn’t at all. Because it was him. Only him. And she was desperate to get closer, to reclaim all that had been lost…

No. She could never go back to a world where she trusted her heart to him.

She shoved him away.

With a wild-eyed look, he stared at her. “Elzy, what…? Is it because you think I’m engaged?”

What did that mean? Because you think I’m engaged? Was he, or wasn’t he?

Her lips were still wet from their kiss. Her body tingled, and the pulse between her legs throbbed. The draw was so intense she had to get away from him. “No. It’s because I am.”

He reared back. “You’re what ?” He glanced down at her ring finger.

“I don’t wear it when I travel. But I’m…I have a fiancé.”

Shock turned him rigid.

“That’s right, Trevor. I’m getting married.”