Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Even this late at night, the hotel was busy. People waited their turn to take pictures in front of a massive Christmas tree. Laughter and conversation came from a crowded bar, and groups gathered around a central fireplace.
And Trevor sat in a chair, still reeling.
She’s getting married.
All this time, he thought the obstacle was Darby.
But no. Elzy’s engaged.
She loves another man.
No wonder she had no interest in talking to him.
After she dropped the bomb, she stalked off to the hotel. He’d followed from a distance, his legs stiff. He’d watched her move briskly across the lobby to the elevator bay.
And then, he’d had to sit down. Around him, people chatted and laughed. Everyone was in the holiday spirit, dressed up and drinking cocktails.
And Elzy was getting married.
His phone vibrated, and he pulled it out of his pocket.
Darby: How’s it going? Are you still with her?
He didn’t want to talk, but she deserved an answer.
Trevor: You still with your dad? How is he?
Darby: Haha. We’re back at the hotel. Did it work?
Trevor: Yes.
Darby: Good. Does that mean you’re still with her? ARE YOU IN HER HOTEL ROOM RIGHT NOW?
Trevor: No.
And then, he typed the words just so they’d sink in.
Trevor: She’s engaged.
The phone rang, and he answered immediately.
“You’re kidding me, right?” Darby asked in total disbelief. “She’s getting married?”
“Yeah.” A server approached with a smile, saw his expression, and quickly diverted to a group of people seated around a low table.
“Are you okay?” Darby asked. “You don’t sound good.”
“I’m processing.” Which was impossible with this current of anxiety running through him.
Does this mean I’ve lost her for good?
He reached into the bag of gifts at his feet and rummaged around until his hand closed around the ring box. When he cracked it open, he got a jolt to his nervous system.
Because it was made for her. It was perfect.
But would she ever wear it?
And what had her fiancé gotten her? Something plain, traditional, dull?
No. No. No.
If she could kiss him the way she had, then she had to be settling for that guy. He knew it in his bones.
“Okay, well,” Darby said. “What does this mean?”
“I kissed her.” At the memory, his body came back to life. Sensation pricked under his skin, and heat churned out from his core.
“Did she kiss you back? I assume this was before you found out she’s engaged.”
Hell yeah, she kissed me. He could still taste the desire on her tongue and feel the press of her body. Her tits were bigger, her hair smelled different, but the hunger—the passion…
It’s still there.
Everything that mattered between them was still there. He knew it from the spark in their conversation and the way she lit up at his touch.
It’s still fucking there.
“Trev? Are you okay?”
He got up. “Yeah. I am.”
“Are you heading back now? You can wake me up if you want to talk.”
He headed across the lobby. “I’m getting a room. If she’s staying here, then I’m staying too.”
“You just said she’s engaged.”
“Exactly. She’s not married yet. The ball’s still in play.”
For the first time in his life, his happiness was a priority.
Because he knew without a doubt, she felt the same way.
And she wasn’t going to marry anyone but him.
Jess tossed the makeup wipe in the bin. “If I had any doubts about Joel, it ended with that kiss.”
It was so hot, so fiery, she’d melted into him. For those magical seconds, time stopped. Nothing separated them—not mind, body, or soul.
“Well, I mean, I’m glad. I’d hate for you to settle.” Amber’s voice sounded rough from sleep.
She’d called her sister in the dead of night to talk. She hadn’t even hesitated. And you know what? It was such a relief to be a sister—not a mom.
And that was the thing. She was so tired of carrying the weight of the world. Being a mom to her siblings, running a household for her dad, building a business so her family would be secure.
She knew she could rely on herself. Had proven it countless times. But…boy, being sheltered in Trevor’s arms had made her feel protected. Safe. She knew, without a doubt, if she’d stayed with him, he’d be in this bed with her.
And that could not happen.
Because she didn’t know him anymore. Sure, the chemistry was still there. But who wouldn’t be attracted to that man?
They’d had a good talk, and she’d learned a lot—but only the parts related to why he’d left her. Other than that, they’d lived a whole life apart. It was ridiculous to think those thirty years didn’t matter.
I’ve changed, I know that. He has too. They couldn’t just pick up where they’d left off.
Which was why she’d made a beeline for the elevators. “What is it about him though?” She poured lotion onto her palm.
“What do you mean?” Amber asked through a yawn.
“I’ve dated plenty of men. I got serious with a few. I was going to marry Joel. But the way I feel about Trevor… I’ve never felt it for anyone else.”
“Oh, well. It’s probably easy to slip into the skin of an old relationship.”
“Right?” There you go. “That’s it exactly.” It was nothing more than that.
“Oh, I didn’t mean?—”
“You nailed it. That explains why I’m so comfortable with him. It’s like our teenage selves are talking to each other. But we’re not kids anymore. A whole lot of life has happened since then. We’re different people now.”
“What? No, that’s not what I meant.”
“Well, what did you mean?” She tapped the speaker button on her phone, so she could rub the lotion onto her face.
“That the essence of you both is still there. That’s why it’s so easy to slip right back into it. It happens with me and Jenna. Even though she moved away when I was a senior in high school, and we only get to talk a couple times a year, we still pick up right where we left off. There’s a real comfort to being around old friends.”
“Hey, I’m trying not to fall for him here, and you’re not helping.”
Her sister laughed. “You know, you can tell yourself anything you want, but the truth is in your feelings. How does it feel to be around Trevor?”
“It feels annoying, thanks for asking.” Because it was just as big and powerful as when they were kids. “And the worst part is, it makes me see how different I am around Joel.”
“Different how?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m just not completely myself with him. I never fully relax. I don’t let go.”
“Hon, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you let go. You’re the boss, the mother, the owner… As long as I’ve known you, you’ve been in badass mode. And I’m guessing that started after Mom died.”
She couldn’t deny the truth of that. “A therapist once told me when a parent dies, there’s a terrifying sense of helplessness. Who will feed you? Who will buy your clothes? Who’s going to protect you from those scary noises when you’re lying in bed alone in the dark? I wasn’t comfortable with that feeling, so I took control.”
“I can vouch for that.” Amber sounded like she was proud of her sister.
Which meant she didn’t get it. “He said I was the most tenacious person he’d ever met.” She paused. “And it wasn’t a compliment. It was no way to live, and I’d burn myself out. He said it was okay for me to let go. That I was fine. I was safe. And I didn’t need to hold on so tightly.”
“Yeah, I can see that. What’d he say about Trevor?”
“He said losing a parent leaves you with a ‘breathtaking loneliness.’ And that eight-year-old me understood she was alone now.” She flicked off the bathroom light and headed for the bed. “And you know what? That’s exactly how I felt when Trevor left me in that motel room.” After she’d curled up in the fetal position and bawled her eyes out, she’d walked out of that motel with a clear sense of, Well, I guess I’m on my own now .
She’d gone right back to the chapel and asked them to tear up the marriage license. Then, she’d driven back to Riverton, alternating between gut-wrenching bouts of crying and stern talks to herself about focusing on the future, on her family.
Had it been some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy? If Trevor viewed the world through the lens of his parents’ beliefs, maybe she’d seen it through the eyes of a little girl who’d lost her mom.
“And you were on your own,” Amber said. “It’s true. That’s our fault.”
“Hey, there’s no blame here. You were five when Mom died.”
“Okay, but Dad let you raise us. He was relieved when you came home and took over. And I was so freaked out about my pregnancy that I handed everything over to you—including Bri. You were more of a mom to her in that first year than I was.”
“Because you were sixteen. You were a child.”
“Hon, you were twenty, and you stepped into the role without a hint of resentment. Which means I never had to experience any of the loneliness you just described because I had you. But who did you have?”
The question stirred up an ache deep inside. “For a long time, I had Trevor. Which was why it devastated me when he left. But at the same time, maybe I was expecting it. I mean, if my own mom abandoned me, wouldn’t everyone else do it too? Obviously, it wasn’t rational.”
“But it’s how a kid would internalize it. Well, look. You’re an adult now. You can see the world through a different lens.”
A sharp spike of hope set her heart racing. “If you think that future includes Trevor, you’re forgetting he’s engaged to another woman.”
“I wasn’t talking about him. I’m talking about you. We were kids when we lost Mom, but you’re a woman now, and you have a choice to make. You can guard your heart from the possibility that someone you love will leave you, or you can be brave and go for it. Come on, Jess. Don’t you think it’s time to let yourself love again?”
“Is that line from a Hallmark movie? Because I think I’ve heard it before.”
“I don’t know if it is, but it should be. That was good. I should write a romance novel. Oh . Even better, why don’t you live one? Go all second chance with your first love.”
“Maybe I will.” But she didn’t think so. She wouldn’t share his personal life with her sister, but Trevor was hardwired to make his happiness the very last priority.
It’d be easy to get back together with him. It’d be passionate and exciting and all those good things. But they were different people now. After a few days, they’d realize the only thing holding them together was memories.
“Not everyone leaves, Jess. You know how I know that? Because as soon as we get off the phone, I’m going to spoon with my husband who’s loved me since I was a twenty-one-year-old single mom, who stood by me through post-partum, who turned to me for help when his business failed and loved me even harder when I went through perimenopause early. So, I really, truly, hope you let go of your fears because, for me, personally, I’m not entirely sure what else in life is worth living for but love. Now, I’m going back to sleep. If you need me, I’m here.” Her sister disconnected.
Unnerved, Jess slid under the covers. Everything Amber said resonated, leaving Jess scared. Because, really, how did you change the way you looked at the world? Her fears ran deep. They were woven into the very fiber of her being. How did she extract them?
In any event, there was one thing she had to do. Not even considering the time, she scrolled through her recent calls and found Joel halfway down the page. Yeah, it had been that long since they’d spoken. That’s just sad . She hit his number.
It rang a few times before it connected, but instead of his voice, she heard laughter and conversation as he fumbled the phone. “Hello? Jess? Are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I’m sorry to bother you.”
“No, no. It’s fine. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Hang on. Let me go somewhere quiet.”
“Joel, slow down. I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
The noises faded. “Okay, I’m in my room. How’s it going? Everything good?”
“It’s been interesting.” He didn’t even know she was in Iceland. “How are things going with your family? We haven’t talked at all since you left.” Saying it out loud to her fiancé highlighted how messed up it was.
“They’re bad. My daughter’s a wreck. Her jerk of a husband’s had a girlfriend for six months—that we know of—and yet, he’s still blowing up Ashley’s phone because she dared to move out.”
“She must be devastated.”
“We’re not letting her be. We’ve engaged a top lawyer, and we’re putting her to work changing passwords, printing out bank statements, that kind of thing. Now is not the time for her to fall apart.”
“Well, it sounds like you and your ex have a good handle on this.” She hesitated to offer advice, given he’d made it clear it wasn’t her family. But then again, they were close enough to consider marriage. Why not speak her mind? “I just hope someone’s there for her emotionally.”
He laughed. “My ex and I aren’t really built that way, but yeah, I hear you. She’s got friends going all the way back to grade school, so she’s got plenty of people to talk to. What about you? All set for the gala?”
“Yes, everything’s on track. But I’m actually not at the resort. I’m in Iceland.”
“What do you mean? Iceland? ”
“After you left, I remembered a consulting offer I’d gotten, and since I’d arranged to take the time off anyway…I went ahead and took it.”
“That’s crazy. I’ve always wanted to go there.”
“It’s a surreal place, that’s for sure. But there’s something we need to talk about.” Maybe she could save this relationship after all. She’d held back so much of herself. Maybe if they talked through their problems, they’d get to something deeper. “It makes me sad that you had no idea where I was.”
“Well, you didn’t tell me.”
“Right, but don’t you think it’s odd that we haven’t talked to each other since you left?”
“I told you how crazy it’s been here. We had to find an attorney, call the banks?—”
“Joel. We’re engaged. And you cut me out of your Christmas plans to take care of your daughter. If we’re going to be married, shouldn’t I be part of that family?”
“I can see how you’d feel that way.” His tone was level, composed.
Just like a lawyer. “Yeah, it hurt. And to be honest, that’s the real reason I took this job.”
“I wasn’t blowing you off. I just don’t think it’s the best time to introduce you to them.”
She gave him a moment, hoping he’d hear what he said.
“I mean, you’ll be my family too,” he said a little too quickly. “But right now, my daughter needs me.”
“Well, of course. But it’s Christmas, and you dumped me like I was some woman you’re seeing, and I guess this time apart has made me think about things, and something doesn’t feel right with us.”
“Jess, come on. If something like this happened to your sisters, you wouldn’t even hesitate to drop me. Your family’s always come first. You’ve made that clear from the beginning.”
Her heart sank. He was right about that. “Let me ask you something, okay?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“Why do you want to marry me? What about me makes you want to spend your life with me?”
He gave an uncomfortable laugh. “My ex asked the same question.”
She got that he was living under his ex-wife’s roof and dealing with a serious family matter, but she didn’t like that they were having intimate conversations. About me. Yeah, something was definitely wrong. She hadn’t seen it because she’d been so preoccupied with the resort. “And what did you tell her?”
“That I’d never met a woman more intelligent. Someone who challenges me intellectually.”
“Your ex is an attorney.”
“True. But you’re caring too, and she’s very much like me—all business. The way you look after your sisters, nieces, and nephews, the way you hold your family together… I admire that. My ex never cared about creating family traditions. She has eighty-hour weeks, and she wants to relax over a holiday—not decorate, cook, and wrap. Thanksgiving and Christmas meals were—and still are—catered. But you, you push through your exhaustion because you care so much about your family’s experience. Even in your twenties, you put in the extra effort to make sure your sisters came downstairs to see presents under the tree. In the middle of launching a resort, you’re helping plan your niece’s wedding.”
Those reasons were not as flattering as he might think. None of them had to do with a sizzling connection, a bond, or anything romantic at all. But also, he’d pointed out something important. She did a great job juggling all the balls—except for one. Him. She hadn’t prioritized him at all.
That’s so sad .
I was going to marry this man .
And it really drove home what Amber said. She could guard her heart, or she could be brave.
Let’s do that.
Let’s be brave.
“I love you, Jess. I really do. I don’t know if I’m giving you the right words. I’m not a man who’s in touch with my feelings. But I know you make my life better.”
“How do you want to make my life better?”
“I want to travel with you, see the world. All the things I didn’t get to do because I was working toward becoming a partner and then opening my own firm. I was raising kids and trying to be the kind of husband my ex wanted. You don’t have any expectations for me. You let me be whoever I am. You don’t nag me all the time.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure if we spent more time together, the nagging would kick in.”
He laughed. “I think we can cut to the chase. You’re breaking up with me. Is there anything I can do to change your mind? I’d hate to lose you.”
He’d hate to lose me?
Wow. What kind of person settled for such a lackluster relationship? A coward . “Since you left, neither of us has bothered to check in with each other. That’s pretty telling, don’t you think?”
“Will you do me a favor?” he asked. “Will you hold off your decision until we see each other again?”
No . Because she was seeing clearly now. “Coming to Iceland, taking a break from my real life, has given me the space to see our connection isn’t strong enough. It’s not your fault. It’s not mine. It’s two people who are not excited enough about each other.” And maybe it wasn’t fair because she’d never again be a sixteen-year-old girl racing around the countryside with a beautiful boy who adored her. Maybe no other relationship could compare to a first love, but unfortunately, she’d just spent an entire evening with hers, and she knew she could never settle for bland feelings again.
Not after that kiss.
“I’m sorry, Joel.”
“I blew it. I’m sorry for cutting you out. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t important to me.”
“Again, it’s not your fault. We just didn’t work.”
After she got off the phone, she rolled onto her side. Strangely, she didn’t feel sad.
She felt relieved.
This sense of lightness, of possibility, made her feel hopeful.
As she shut off the lamp, she remembered she’d silenced her phone during dinner. Oops. She’d better take a quick look at her messages.
She hoped Joel didn’t try to press his case. As an attorney, he could argue his point of view for days. He liked to win. But there was no arguing his way back into a relationship where she wasn’t someone’s first choice.
Been there, done that.
As she scrolled through the texts and emails, only one name caught her attention.
Trevor.
Trevor: You’ve got to come out here. You won’t believe this.
Trevor: Elz, seriously. Come outside.
What did he want? They weren’t going to figure anything out tonight. She should just ignore him, go to sleep.
Yeah, right. Like that’s going to happen.
Trevor: If I knew what floor you were on, I’d throw rocks at your window. GET DOWN HERE.
Trevor: Look out the window.
He made everything fun and exciting. Throwing off the covers, she hurried across the room and pulled back the black-out curtains to see the most surreal sight. A green ribbon of light danced in the sky.
Jessica: Is that the northern lights?
Trevor: Yes. You better be on your way down here.
Jessica: Coming.
She slid her feet back into worn shearling slippers, grabbed her key card, and hurried out the door. The thrill of it should’ve been a warning. It was her childhood all over again. Pebbles at her window, a note slipped into her hand before fifth period, his tires spitting out gravel as he jerked the steering wheel to take her on a spur-of-the-moment adventure.
But she didn’t care. Anticipation pumped through her, fueling her steps, until she burst outside into the freezing cold night. People lined the wharf, heads tipped back, and even while she knew to look up at the sky, her gaze traveled from one silhouette to the next until it landed expertly on his.
Turned out, nothing was more familiar than his shape, size, and mannerisms.
Of course, he found her too. And the joy lighting his features outrivaled the spectacle in the sky. Standing a head and shoulders taller than anyone else around him, he waved her over.
Excitement burst in her chest, sparks raining down inside her, and she broke into a run. When she reached him, he clutched her shoulders and took in her features as if he had so much to say but couldn’t find the words.
Only when someone said, “I can’t believe it. I’ve waited a lifetime to see this,” did she jolt back to the moment and pay attention.
Emerald-green ribbons of light rippled and swirled against the midnight sky. “Unbelievable.”
Trevor stood close, their bodies brushing against each other. She could feel the restraint in his clenched muscles, as though fighting against his need to wrap an arm around her waist.
It had always been like this, this compulsion to touch. In church, on hikes, at the rodeo, he had a hand on her, their thighs pressed together. Always.
It was so hard to stay in the moment, impossible to keep from crashing through the barrier of time and landing on the seat of his truck where his hands would grip her ass, moving her on him, her back hitting the steering wheel, her knee pressed to the door.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck . Elzy, my Elzy.”
Or when he’d come over for dinner, and she’d prop her feet on his knees under the table, his hand wrapping around her ankle. Possession. Connection.
Need. Yearning.
Love.
So much love.
People around them gasped, oohed, and aahed. And Jess forced herself to enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime display of lights. After a minute, everyone grew so mesmerized, they stopped talking. The only sounds were the halyards clanking and water lapping against the dock.
When Trevor reached for her hand, she gazed up at him. The love and relief in his eyes both thrilled and warmed her.
And in that moment, she felt a shift. The weight pressing down on her chest lifted. The bindings around her heart broke free.
In their place, something new rushed in.
Forgiveness.
As they stood there, gazes locked, she could remember what they’d meant to each other. He’d been a great boyfriend—the best. She sincerely believed what they’d had was real.
And he was so young when he’d left her. So inexperienced.
Most importantly, he’d done what he believed was best for them.
I forgive you.
She didn’t know what it meant for them. Maybe nothing more than smiling when they drove past each other in Calamity. Or when she saw him through a restaurant window, she’d wave.
Oh, come on. Who are you kidding?
She didn’t think she’d ever get to a place where she could be pals with this man.
It was all or nothing, and she’d gotten the closure she needed.
Anything more would just be torture.
She was done.