White Room Virgin (Room #1)

31 - Jonah

31

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Jonah

The woman sitting opposite me had a brown bob—the long-haired blonde angel had vanished.

Daniela stroked her new hairstyle. “Nice, isn’t it?”

The sight irritated me so much that I must have stared at her stupidly and only managed a sheepish smile with difficulty.

“I thought you’d deleted my number,” she said teasingly. “It’s been a while.”

“Yes … No, I haven’t …” I replied, forcing a quick grin and trying to maintain eye contact.

I nervously picked at a napkin and wondered how I could still feel so embarrassed after all this time. What I had previously been able to suppress now hit me with full force. How I had hung over the toilet bowl at her house and vomited. Naked. After she had unsuccessfully tried to make me hard several times.

Screw eye contact.

“I hope you don’t feel bad about what happened anymore.”

She was kind of right about that. Why, actually? The person I’d experienced that embarrassment with practically didn’t even exist anymore. There was no reason for me to feel bad about it. And yet I could feel the blood rushing to my ears. I began to nervously shake my leg.

“Well … I still hope that I can laugh about it one day,” I replied with a weak smile.

Daniela took my hand and gave me a seductive look. “I’d be willing to try it with you again.”

I hadn’t expected her to get down to business so quickly, and I stared at her with wide eyes.

“I mean, that was your plan, wasn’t it? That’s why you called me, right?”

“Talk,” I replied in a raspy voice, cautiously retracting my hand back and placing it around the cup.

She smiled. “You’re sweet. Shall we go to my place? But we can also go to your place if you prefer. Maybe you’ll feel more comfortable there.”

I looked at her open-mouthed for a moment, then cleared my throat and sat up straight. “I think I made a mistake calling you. I’m sorry. I must have misjudged you.”

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “What did you think of me?”

“I thought…” Unsettled, I paused and had to admit to myself that I must have had the wrong idea about Daniela. Although she would have climbed into bed with me on the first night, I had seen her almost like a saint. I wasn't aware that it was the devil's smile trying to seduce me that night. Somehow, facing this fact was scary. I had hoped that I would be the one to seduce her this time and perhaps soon call her my girlfriend.

“What did you think?” Daniela asked more forcefully.

“You have to understand,” I replied hesitantly. “Before I met you, I believed in abstaining until marriage.”

“You’re sweet.”

“Well, it … it’s not that I … feel guilty about it somehow,” I stammered, looking at the teabag in my cup. “I wanted to, although unfortunately …” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I squeezed the teabag on the spoon. I could feel my hands shaking slightly. The conversation was making me nervous.

“Cut to the chase,” she demanded with an endearing tone.

“Well … I mean …” I took a sip of tea, scorching my tongue, but was happy about the delay it caused. Nonetheless, I bravely drank half the cup. “To be honest … I thought that maybe you could have been my girlfriend.”

“But?” Daniela frowned and shot me with a piercing look.

“Well, you don’t seem to care who you get into bed with.”

“Excuse me?”

“No need to get worked up about it.”

“You just indirectly called me a whore!”

“What? No!”

Daniela leaned back and took a deep breath. Her eyes fell on the empty coffee cup. She took a sip of water, which had been served in a small glass. I was surprised at how quickly she calmed down again. At that moment she didn't really seem to care what I said—or didn't say.

“I really feel sorry for you, Jonah.”

Frustrated, I paused and glanced at her over my cup, because I was convinced that should have been my sentence. If anyone deserved pity, it was probably her. Because she was obviously the one who had lost her way.

“I’ll overlook the insult and tell you something.”

“What insult?”

“Shut up!” she hissed, slamming her hand flat on the table, causing the crockery to rattle and drawing the attention of the other guests. “I know people like you who are trapped in a system that thinks for them and tells them what’s good and what’s bad, right and wrong. People who don’t even realize how reality works. But there are also those who manage to free themselves from these shackles. As long as you don’t free yourself, Jonah, you don’t have the right to judge others.”

I looked at her in bewilderment. “But that’s not what I said …”

“I think there’s something wrong with you,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, sure, maybe it was the alcohol. But maybe you just can't get it up with women—you’ll be looking for the right one for a long time.”

Her words were like a slap in the face. Heat rose in my head, sending a chill down my spine.

Is she implying …? I’m not gay!

I stood up abruptly.

“What’s wrong?” she asked almost indifferently. “Have I hit the nail on the head?”

“No!” I snapped at her. “What does one thing have to do with the other?” Just because I couldn’t get it up with Daniela didn’t mean that I liked men. I didn’t!

“Is that a rhetorical question? When you sit down again, we can talk about it.”

I stared at her indignantly. I didn’t want to talk! There was nothing more for me to say! With a contemptuous snort, I grabbed my jacket and angrily left the café. Outside, an icy wind blew against me, yet the conversation had ignited such a fervor within me that the cold became inconsequential. I walked aimlessly through the city, trying to pinpoint the moment when I had made my first mistake. If I had confessed after Lucien's first kiss, I might have avoided this mess altogether. No, wait! What am I saying? I should have backed off to prevent the kiss from happening in the first place. Or even better, I shouldn't have helped Lucien at all when he came home that night completely drunk and scalded his hand with boiling water. How foolish of me to accompany him to a bar on a Sunday! And as regretful as I was about my behavior, the true gravity of the situation was only beginning to sink in.

How stupid am I really?

It had been me who had walked around the apartment without a shirt on, showing him my naked upper body! And it had been me who had sneaked into Lucien’s room to find comfort there.

No! No! No! It’s his fault! Like a virus, he has taken over every cell in my body and confused me so much that I am no longer able to think clearly. He has ruined my life! I will never be able to love a woman without thinking about him!

I had fought so hard to be allowed to study in Zurich. And for what? Only to find myself in a dark hole and realize nothing about me was natural? Even every microorganism was superior to me. They knew what needed to be done—it came naturally to them. Meanwhile, I felt disoriented, unsure of even my bearings, spinning aimlessly in circles, utterly lost.

No, it wasn’t my fault. It was Lucien’s fault! He had poisoned me and made me ill. Maybe I should have just apologized to him for a little mercy, but it wasn’t that simple. After all, he was the one who had avoided me in the six weeks before Christmas.

Well, I couldn’t blame him when I had offended and disappointed him, but why should I apologize to him at all when it was God alone who could redeem me from my guilt?

I was utterly bewildered. As the snow fell and icy flakes drifted down onto the street, I felt a chill settle over me. I pulled my hood down over my face and continued walking until the midnight bells began to ring. Finally, I stopped and glanced around, trying to orient myself.

Damn it … this can’t be happening.

I happened to be standing in front of the factory building where Lucien’s studio was located.