White Room Virgin (Room #1)

32 - Jonah

32

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Jonah

I didn’t plan on coming here, but now that I was here, I couldn’t and didn’t want to carry my anger around any longer. I’m sure Martin had told him when I was coming home after the vacation, so it was unlikely I’d find Lucien there. The only place he could hide away was his studio.

Despite my conviction that I was doing the right thing, I hesitantly descended the stairs to the studio. It was quiet. No music to guide me, just a single flickering neon light in the dark corridor. I stood in front of the door, pushing aside all my doubts and insecurities and remembering why I had entered the building in the first place. I had to make it clear to Lucien once and for all that he had to leave me alone from now on. Without knocking, I opened the door and walked in forcefully.

Several lights were on in the studio. Several lamps were scattered around the room like little torches. Three paintings rested on easels that appeared finished to me, and a large canvas lay on the floor, brightly lit by a studio lamp. Lucien was sitting next to it, concentrating on a detail. He had his headphones on and obviously hadn’t even noticed that I had come in. It was only when my shadow fell on the canvas that he stopped and looked up at me.

Overwhelmed by the sight of him, all my good intentions faltered. If I had just been so driven by anger at him, I was now completely silent. He seemed so … changed. No more dark circles under his eyes. No longer haggard. No longer pale either. His hair was tousled, but his gaze was clear. He was freshly shaved. Clean. Healthy. And … beautiful.

I hadn’t been prepared for that. My eyes went to the bucket next to the sink. It was empty.

Oh God! Why did I even come here?

Lucien blinked and seemed to gradually emerge from his fantasy world. When he realized who was actually standing in front of him, his expression stiffened. “Go away,” he said with a warning undertone.

I stretched my jaw and remembered why I was here. “No!” I replied sternly and straightened my shoulders. “You don’t have the right to behave like that!”

Lucien furrowed his brows and pulled the plugs out of his ears. “What are you talking about?” He put the brush down and rose to his feet. The way he pushed his hair back made me weak.

Get a grip and don’t let his innocent-looking appearance confuse you now!

“You’ve ruined my life!” I snapped at him.

“Excuse me?” he asked with a hint of indignation, stepping away from the picture. “I gave you one! Can’t you see that?”

“It feels like shit! That’s the only thing I can see!”

“Who told you it was painless? Your god?”

“Don’t you dare!” I shouted angrily. “You have no idea!”

“Ha! But you do? You’re a hypocrite, Jonah, and you don’t even realize it. Denying yourself and blaming me and everyone else for it!”

“That's not true at all! It was you who turned me on! You always just do what you want, regardless of the consequences!”

“Unlike you, I also pay the price! I …” Startled by his own words, Lucien gasped and slapped his hand over his mouth, then turned away from me and wiped his face.

My mood also changed from one second to the next, and I started shaking. Yes, he paid the price. He had no other choice. Being rejected by his father, and not even because of his sexual orientation, but just because he had dropped out of medical school, had been a damn high price to pay—apart from the fact that he had also lost the love of his life. It was Martin who had stayed by his side for two years—not his family. And certainly not God. I hung my head sadly.

No, I couldn't comprehend the pain he had to endure at all. But I was sure that he had wished for the same thing back then as I did at that moment. “I just want to feel good again.” The pleading in my voice disgusted me, but it was true. Feeling good again was all I wanted.

Lucien was still standing with his back to me, so I approached him. He didn’t look up. Even worse. He turned his head away and clenched his hands into fists. And all at once, I realized what it all meant: Lucien was the only one who had the ability to make me feel better.

He was the one who loosened my chains and showed me that I was actually free. Every fiber of my body was longing to finally let go and let him take control.

Do something!

But he did nothing, just looked at the floor, probably wondering what I had lost in his studio. I asked myself the same question.

Why did I come here? What do I even want here? What do I want from him?

As soon as I realized where I was, I should have turned on my heel and left as quickly as possible. Instead, I stood there transfixed, still not understanding why I felt so miserable. Never before had I been plagued by such self-doubt. I was shocked. Not only had my worldview been shaken, but my faith in God had also been affected. Hadn’t I been a good Christian? What had I done to deserve this? Had Daniela and Martin been right all along, and had I truly been stumbling through a world bound and blindfolded, not meant for me? And wasn’t Lucien’s comment just something I said? Could I be the one to blame for everything?

There it was again, that dark cloud that enveloped him. I had brought it upon him, and he had draped it around himself like a cloak. It hurt me to witness his state. His laughter had eluded me for weeks, and the memory of his bright green eyes had begun to fade.

Look at me!

But he avoided that too.

Something inside me broke.

What if he never looked at me again? What if I disappear now and never see him again?

Panic spread through me. There was no way that was going to happen! And yet I felt so powerless.

Lucien’s words echoed in my mind when he tried to convince me to choose him after sex— You are choosing something that doesn’t exist .

All of a sudden, the scales fell from my eyes. What an idiot I’d been to put Lucien behind someone I’d never met. Behind God. After all, I wanted to discover new things and leave the strict faith of my parents’ house behind. Stunned, I expelled the air and stroked my hair. “Lu, I’m sorry,” I whispered, ashamed.

Lucien didn’t move, so I gathered up all my courage and took a step toward him.

“You should leave,” he said without looking at me.

“You’re kicking me out?”

“You can blame me for that. That’s fine. But please…” His voice was barely a whisper, and the pleading tone angered me so much that my body acted on its own. I put my arms around Lucien and hugged him from behind. But he broke away from me and backed away.

“If you do this … if you don’t go,” he said in a trembling voice, “there’s … no going back.”

His eyes were fixated on the floor as if waiting for me to depart the studio. But I couldn’t. Even if I had willed myself to, my body refused to comply. “I can’t leave,” I stated. Summoning every ounce of bravery, I extended my hand toward his chin and gently guided his head toward me. I needed him to look at me, to understand the gravity of the moment.

He appeared tired, but his eyes still shone. I gently stroked his forehead and gave him a tentative kiss on the lips. But it wasn't enough—I could see that on his face. He was fighting with himself.

“And I don’t want to go,” I whispered and kissed him again, a little harder this time.

I had prayed for weeks and begged God to forgive me. But it was the moment Lucien put his arms around me that freed me from all the burden. It was hard to believe how happy I felt when he opened my jacket and slipped his hands under my sweater. I was committed; there was no turning back. Despite my fears about what was to come, I had no intention of leaving. I gently detached myself from him and gazed at him. There was one more question I needed to answer before I could take the plunge completely. “Am I a replacement for him?”

Lucien drew his brows together and shook his head. “No. Never.”

I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, pressing my head into the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and letting his warmth and scent lull me.

He slipped his hands under my sweater again, stroked my bare skin, and clawed at me like a small child. His possessive nature turned me on more than I was willing to admit. It lit a fire inside me.

I tried to break free from him, but he wouldn’t let me. “Lu …?”

“I’m not letting go of you.”

“Oh, I … actually … wanted to kiss you.”