Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
CAROLINA
I 'd felt like I'd been floating on a cloud ever since my last night with Oliver. He'd even sent me breakfast and flowers the next morning. The note was written as if it was from the resort itself, but I suspected it was Oliver.
I thought it was a sweet gesture, especially since he couldn't stay until morning and share breakfast with me.
I shouldn't be swooning because my one-night—now two-night—stand sent me flowers and ordered me breakfast. It was thoughtful which was outside the parameters of our relationship. We spent the night together, and then he left in the early morning hours. There weren't supposed to be any feelings, much less longing for our next rendezvous.
But I couldn't help it. I was counting down the days until my next flight to Telluride. It was the week of Christmas, and I was confident I could be home in time to enjoy the holidays with my mom and sister.
Ginny was spending more and more time with her boyfriend. I didn't like it, but I could see she wanted the companionship. But I was more than a little worried she'd forgotten our plan for her to join me in the business. We needed to remain focused and not get distracted by a guy .
She was younger, so she didn't feel the brunt of my father leaving. He'd worked long hours at the college, and now we knew what he was doing with that time. He was holding student meetings and leading mentorships that led to more.
The nice thing about me traveling so much was that I never developed any close ties. Even if I dated a guy, I always had the excuse that I'd need to leave. Most didn't want that kind of relationship, so it made things easy for me.
I didn't want the expectations that came with a relationship. I wasn't sure I'd be able to meet them without panicking I was getting in too deep. I couldn't even handle Ginny dating. I could see they liked each other. But I couldn't get past the night Dad walked out.
Mom had been devastated, and I had been confused. At first, I thought he'd come back. That it was just an argument. But it became clear very quickly; Dad had no plans of working on his relationship with my mom. He'd already moved onto someone else, and we never stood a chance. I wouldn't put myself in that same situation.
One morning, I was cooking breakfast when Ginny came in.
Pleased, I said, "I can make you eggs too. I wasn't sure if you'd be home."
Ginny smiled, waving a hand at me as she rushed through the room. "I'm just home to shower and grab some clothes. Waylon wants to go to the harvest festival. You want to come with us?"
"I wouldn't want to be a third wheel."
Ginny tipped her head, considering me. "Are you sure? It's going to be fun."
"I have some work to do."
"Okay. I'll be quick," she said before dashing out of the room. I heard the water start a few seconds later.
I made my eggs and sat down at the table, opening my laptop to peruse my schedule for the next six months. I didn't host as many conferences in the winter. There was usually a lull from December to February. That's why I agreed to organize the holiday bazaar. I wanted to stay busy. And maybe if I could break into the holiday conference scene, it would be an additional source of income for the offseason.
I was picking at my now-cold eggs when Ginny returned, freshly showered with an overnight bag.
My chest tightened. What if she moved in with him? I'd be alone. From the looks of it, it was only a matter of time before Ginny did. It would be easier than stopping by for more clothes every once in a while.
Ginny dropped her bag on the floor and sat across from me. She folded her hands in front of her. "I'm worried about you."
That caught me off guard. "You're worried about me?"
"All you do is work. When was the last time you went on a date?"
Did that night with Oliver count? Probably not. "I've been traveling so much. Fall is conference season, and I need to make up for the slow months." November was my busiest month. It was like everyone wanted to schedule their conference before the holidays.
Ginny sighed. "I feel bad leaving you here like this."
I looked down at my pajamas and slippers. "Like what?"
"You're by yourself all the time, either here or at whatever hotel you're working at. Are you lonely?"
"I'm not lonely." I'd always been happy with my life, traveling from one place to another, taking pride in a conference that went off without any issues. Or at least none I couldn't solve quickly. But lately, I was starting to wonder if there wasn't more for me.
Ginny had Waylon, and even Mom was trying to date again. I loved how I felt in Oliver's arms, but it was a fling. Not something to base a future relationship on .
I shrugged and attempted to smile. "You know me. I'll be fine."
Ginny's forehead wrinkled.
"I'm used to being alone. I prefer it. Remember? That's why this arrangement works. I need a place to crash when I'm in between conferences, and you wanted a roommate."
Ginny shifted on her chair. "About that. I was thinking about asking Waylon about the possibility of moving in together.”
I frowned. "Are you sure that's a good idea? What if you want to break up, but you're stuck in a lease."
"It'll be fine."
I didn't think she was considering the possibilities of what could go wrong. "It's always better to have your own place, to be independent."
Ginny blew out a breath. "Not everyone is Dad."
My shoulders tightened. "I know that."
She dipped her chin. "Do you? You've never been serious about a guy. You always hold them at arm's length if you give them a chance at all."
"That can't be true." Had I never been all-in with a man?
"Name one guy that you were in love with."
"I don't think you have to be in love with someone to have a relationship with them." I hoped that wasn't the case. I wasn't even sure I was capable of that emotion outside of family and friends.
She shook her head. "That's a no."
"I'm happy for you and Waylon. But I don't need that kind of relationship in my life to be happy." The morning after my night with Oliver had been nice. I enjoyed his thoughtful gifts, and talking to him on the phone. But surely, those kinds of actions were reserved for the initial stages of the relationship. Once I'd been married for years, I wouldn't expect flowers or breakfast to be delivered. But I had to admit it was a sweet gesture .
Ginny blew out a breath. "I'm not saying you do, but I think you'd enjoy it. You don't have to go through life alone."
"I have you and Mom."
Ginny just gave me a look.
I laughed. "I'm perfectly happy being alone. I'm used to it. But I want you to enjoy your life."
"Are you sure you’d be okay if I moved out?”
"I'm positive." I stood and hugged her tightly. I missed our girls' nights where we'd eat dinner in front of some sappy romance movie. But that didn't mean I'd hold her back. I'd just have to get used to my new reality of being alone. "Now go. Enjoy the festival."
Ginny slung her bag over her shoulder and edged toward the door. "You're welcome to join us."
"I'll text you if I change my mind." Then she was gone, and I could relax and stop pretending that she wasn't upending my world with talk of her serious relationship and moving out. My sister was worried about me. It was supposed to be the other way around.
I looked at the screen of my phone, debating texting Oliver. Did he feel alone even when he was surrounded by his family? He had so many brothers, and his website said his cousin lived with them growing up. It was a tight-knit family. I bet his father never walked out on his mother.
Oliver wouldn't understand what I was going through. But I wanted to talk to someone. Outside of Ginny, I didn't really have any friends. I worked alone. I was the boss of my own business. I talked to vendors and clients, but that wasn't friendship. That was a business relationship. Even what I had with Oliver wasn't friendship. It was two people satisfying each other's physical needs.
I pulled up his name, looking at our last brief exchange. We didn't ask how each other was doing in between our dalliances. That's not what our relationship was, and I didn't want to scare him off by starting now. I'd stay strong and see him in December.
The only problem was, I was starting to look forward to my visit to Telluride more and more. I just hoped he didn't move on with someone else or decide to end our relationship before I got there.
Oliver was the one thing I had for myself that no one else knew about. I’d told Ginny when we first hooked up but she had no reason to think I’d seen him again. He was my secret, a gift I kept under wraps until I'd see him again.
On Thanksgiving, I hosted at my house. I didn't want my mom to go through the trouble of doing everything herself.
I prepared the stuffing and the cranberry sauce the day before. But on Thursday morning, I woke up early so I could get the turkey in the oven. Ginny was supposed to be here, but she wasn't yet. I was positive she'd have a lazy morning with Waylon, then show up with apologies.
I turned on some holiday music and tried not to feel bad that I was alone on Thanksgiving. I thought it would always be my sister and me. The plan was for me to build the business so that she could come on as a partner. I was so close to that becoming a reality, but now I was afraid to ask if it was still her plan. If she settled down with Waylon, then she might not want to travel around the country for work.
I shook my head, telling myself I wouldn't worry about that until she said something. I continued as if that was our plan.
After the turkey was in the oven, I turned to the potatoes. It was only the four of us since Ginny asked if Waylon could be here too. But I liked to make a lot of food for leftovers.
I loved the holidays, but they hadn't been the same since Dad left. They felt emptier, lonelier somehow. Like something was always missing. I tried hard to make it a good memory, but lately I was starting to wonder if I was fooling myself.
By lunch time, the kitchen was starting to smell good.
Ginny opened the door with an apologetic look on her face. "I'm sorry. We lost track of time."
I smiled. "It's perfectly fine. I'm right on schedule."
"What can I help with?"
She was here now. That was all that mattered. "Can you make your fancy mac and cheese?"
Ginny scanned the counter. "Do we need it? There's only the four of us coming to dinner."
My stomach sunk. "I want it to be a traditional Thanksgiving, and we always have mac and cheese at dinner."
Ginny wrinkled her nose. "We don't have to do the same thing every year."
"But it's a tradition." My voice trailed off.
Ginny shrugged. "Traditions change."
My neck and back were sore from working in the kitchen all morning, and it didn't seem like Ginny cared about our family traditions even if they were important to me.
I searched for a recipe that was similar to Ginny's dish and got to work on the mac and cheese.
Mom arrived around two, and Waylon knocked on the door soon after. He immediately put on the TV to watch football. He wasn't very talkative, and I was more than a little annoyed that he hadn't offered to help.
I had a feeling that Oliver helped his family and not just at the holidays. Then I mentally shook my head. Oliver wasn't mine. I had no right even thinking about what his life was like outside our nights together.
Mom unwrapped her contribution, a store-bought fruit and veggie tray. "Everything smells amazing."
I looked around. "I think I remembered everything. We have potatoes, stuffing, turkey, mac and cheese, and cranberry sauce. And the buns. "
"What about pies?" Mom asked.
My heart rate picked up. "Ginny was supposed to order a few from the store in town."
Ginny walked into the kitchen, her face falling. "I forgot to order pies. I'm sorry."
I tried not to let my frustration show, but I was annoyed. "That was your one responsibility."
"I'm sorry. I've just been so busy."
I sighed and lowered my voice. "There's more to life than a boyfriend, Ginny. You're neglecting our family."
Anger flashed in her eyes. "We don't have to have a picture-perfect Thanksgiving."
I threw down the oven mitt. "I'm trying to carry on the traditions from our family, and you don't seem to care."
Ginny threw up her hands. "You're the only one who cares. We don't need all this food."
"We don't have dessert." I don't know why it mattered so much, but I wanted the perfect holiday with the food we had every year. When Mom suggested scaling back a few years ago, I stepped in to carry on the tradition. I didn't want anything to change.
"You don't need to cook a big meal. I would have been happy ordering food from a local restaurant," Mom said gently.
"But that's not Thanksgiving. That's— I don't know what that is." I floundered, unsure what to say to Mom without hurting her feelings.
"We don't have to have a perfect Thanksgiving," Ginny said again.
"It's one of my favorite holidays." What could be better than eating your favorite foods with your family?
Ginny shook her head and walked into the living room. She sat in Waylon's lap and wrapped her arm around his shoulders.
Mom sat on a stool across from me. "Does this have something to do with your father leaving right before Thanksgiving?"
"No." That had been the worst holiday of my life. Mom cried all day, and we'd eaten sandwiches and microwavable mac and cheese. I'd tried to pretend that everything was normal for Ginny's sake, but it hadn’t been. I’d held out hope Dad would change his mind, but he hadn't.
Mom tipped her head. "Are you sure? You've always been almost frantic on the holidays, wanting everything to be perfect. I expected you to outgrow it at some point. But you never have."
I swallowed hard because that part was true. The day ended up being stressful for me. "I want to have a nice day. Why is that so bad?"
"We don't need perfect. I just want to spend time with you."
"The food. The day. It's important to me."
"Ask yourself why that is. Is it because your father leaving made you feel out of control, and you've been fighting to regain that ever since?"
I frowned. "No."
"Just because we do something differently doesn't mean it's because of him. We can do whatever we want."
"So what? Next year you're ordering out?" I asked, feeling exasperated by this conversation.
"I'm dating someone. Ginny has a boyfriend. We might be somewhere else next year." Her phone rang. "Oh, it's Harold. I'll go take this in the spare room."
It was like I'd been shoved hard in the gut. I couldn't breathe around the pain. It was debilitating. I sat on the stool, the smell of the food permeating the room.
There was garland on the windowsills and holiday towels hanging from the stove. My phone buzzed.
Oliver: I know we said we wouldn't talk between visits, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.
I swallowed around the tightness in my throat. I didn't want him to know that I was upset.
Carolina: Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving to you as well!
Oliver: I hope you're enjoying this time with your family.
Carolina: Absolutely! I bet it's loud with so many people.
I shouldn't want to continue this conversation beyond the pleasantries, but I couldn't help myself.
Oliver: I'm not going to lie. It's loud and crazy with everyone in one place.
Carolina: I bet. But it sounds nice.
It wasn't loud and crazy here. Mom was holed up in the spare bedroom talking to her new man, and Ginny was cuddling with Waylon while he watched football. I'd never felt more alone. What would it be like to be part of a big family? One that was loud and boisterous? I was jealous of Oliver's family, which was ridiculous. That could never be mine.
We hadn't heard from my grandparents on my dad's side since he asked for a divorce. I was never sure if that was my mom's doing or his. I never met my grandfather on my mom's side. He died before I was born. And my grandmother was in a memory-care unit. She didn't know who I was anymore.
I didn't hear from Oliver for the rest of the afternoon, and I assumed it was because he was busy with his family. I wouldn't bother him when he was having such a good time. But I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself. Maybe next year, I should plan to be somewhere else. A Caribbean vacation might be nice. Everyone wanted to be with their significant other, which left me out.
I stayed in the kitchen, claiming I needed to check on the progress of the food. Then I arranged the table settings and silverware. I could hear Mom and Ginny talking in the next room. But I couldn't bring myself to join them. It felt like they were different than before. They had plans that didn't match mine, and I wasn't sure what that meant for me.
I could work more, travel farther away. There was no one waiting for me in Maine anymore. When Ginny officially moved her things out, I'd sell the house, and not worry about getting a new place. I could move anywhere.
But I hated the idea of not having a home base or a family waiting for me.