Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
OLIVER
A t the lodge, I found Joey and Marcus in the great room with a tray of fresh gingerbread cookies on the coffee table. I didn't feel like eating though. There was a pit in my stomach that had been there ever since I saw Carolina in the lobby with her luggage.
I sat in one of the armchairs, not really seeing what was on TV but knowing it hurt to let her go.
"How are you doing?" Marcus asked when Joey ran to the bathroom in the hallway.
I frowned. "Fine. Why?"
"Carolina get to the airport okay?"
I tipped my head to the side, scrutinizing him. "I managed to get her there. Yes."
Marcus shrugged. "I just thought she might not go."
I let out a huff of air. "Why wouldn't she? She had a flight to catch and a family waiting on her."
"Mmm." Marcus was annoyingly calm.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Irritation slid down my spine.
Marcus gave me a pointed look. "I just thought something was going on between you two. "
I tensed. How had he known? Hadn't we been careful?
"You've never been that close to a guest before." His gaze moved from me to the TV where the credits were rolling.
"She's one of the conference organizers. We always treat them well," I stubbornly fell back on the only thing that made sense: our professional relationship.
Marcus's forehead creased. "You're going to deny that something else was going on?"
I ground my teeth together. "I just don't see how it's any of your business."
"I don't want you to be miserable. It affects everyone."
"I'm not," I insisted, wondering how Marcus had guessed. What sign had we given away? I hadn't touched her in front of him, but maybe I was too familiar around her?
Marcus shifted in his chair. "I thought you might ask her to stay for the holidays."
"Her family's in Maine."
"She said something about her mother and sister doing something else for the holidays."
"I thought she said she was going to make the best of it and spend a few hours with them."
"She was hoping they'd want to spend part of the holiday with her. But what if they don't? What if she's alone?" Marcus's forehead creased with concern.
My heart skipped a beat. Was Carolina going to be alone on Christmas? I didn't like the idea of that. "She's not my responsibility."
Marcus crossed his arms over his chest. "So you don't have any feelings about that one way or the other?"
I looked away from him. "It doesn't matter how I feel. She didn't want more, and our worlds are too far apart. She lives in Maine. My life is here, and I have Joey to think about. He comes first."
"So Tina can go wherever she wants, work wherever she wants, and date whoever she wants, but you don't get to have a life outside of being a dad?"
"Well, yeah, that's what being a parent means. I want to create a stable life for Joey. I want him to know he can depend on me."
Marcus's expression gentled. "You've done that, but what about what you want? Don't you get to have someone for yourself? Someone like Carolina?"
"That's not what we were. We saw each other when she was in town. She'll be here again in April." But I hadn't secured that deal either. I hadn't said anything about seeing or talking to her again.
"If you were being honest with yourself, you'd know she was more than just a fling."
That was the arrangement we made. Neither of us admitted to anything changing.
"I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come in April," Marcus mumbled as he reached for a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the coffee table.
I frowned. "Why would you say that?"
"I got the impression that she liked you. That there was something deeper between you. It didn't seem like a fling to me."
He sensed something deep and meaningful because that's what we had. But neither of us had admitted that. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair.
Joey ran back in. "When's Uncle Eli coming home?"
"Everyone's flying in tomorrow." On Christmas Eve. I couldn't have asked Carolina to stay. It wouldn't have been fair to her. Not when her life was in Maine. But she had mentioned that things weren't great with her mother and sister. I didn't want her to be alone and hurting on the holiday. What could I do about it now? I had Joey to think about, and a family arriving soon. The lodge needed to be ready for guests the day after Christmas .
Xander walked in with his snow gear. "You want to go sledding?"
"Yes!" Joey cried as he ran over to Xander and gave him a fist bump.
The two of them left the room, but I was shell shocked. Had I made a mistake letting her go?
"You should be honest with yourself about your feelings," Marcus persisted.
My muscles were tight in my shoulders and neck. "We didn't have a future together."
"Is that what you're telling yourself?"
"It's the way it is. She lives in Maine with her family, and her mother and sister are all she's got."
"Plenty of people live across the country from their family and travel home to see them at the holidays. Look at Killian and your parents."
"I don't know that she wanted the same."
Marcus rolled his eyes. "You never talked about it, did you?"
"We had an arrangement. You know, we met up when she was in town. That's all it was supposed to be."
Marcus ran a hand over his face. "You've got to be kidding me."
"What?" I asked, panic sinking in.
He leveled me with an exasperated look. "I'd expect something like this from Killian or Xander. Not from you."
"I can't have anything deeper. Not when I have Joey."
Marcus sighed. "So no single dads are in relationships?"
"Well, no," I said thinking of the single dads at Joey’s school that were currently dating someone or even remarried.
He tipped his head slightly. "Then why not you?"
"You know. I have the lodge to run. My family needs me here. I can't move to Maine." The thought was crazy. I didn't like Tina, but I wouldn't move away from her.
"How do you feel about Carolina? "
I'd kept our relationship in a box, trying to compartmentalize what we had. Now that she was going back to Maine, I needed to stuff whatever I felt back in that box, not to be looked at until she returned. Somehow, I didn't think Marcus would appreciate me saying that out loud. "I liked her."
He snorted. "Okay."
"Carolina's great." She was warm and loving; she was amazing with Joey. I thought of her taking the time to make the fort with Joey. How she truly seemed to enjoy his company. She was one of a kind, but she couldn't be mine, could she?
Marcus slapped his hands on his thighs before rising. "Right. I'm going to make dinner. If you want to talk about how you really feel, that's where I'll be."
"You going home afterward? I'm sure you have things to do for the holiday."
"Actually, I don't. Because I let the love of my life walk out of it." He walked toward the kitchen, and I followed him.
"What are you talking about?"
Marcus sighed once we were in the kitchen and slowly turned to face me. "My wife. I let her walk out of my life. I didn't fight for her."
I knew he'd recently gotten divorced, but I thought it was mutual. "You didn't want to let her go?"
"It's what she wanted. She said I didn't pay attention to her or listen to what she had to say. But it was hard for me, and I didn't ask for help or agree to go to counseling. I'm not good at the emotional stuff, and I assume you aren't either. But take it from me, if you don't get in touch with what's going on in here"—he tapped my chest over my heart—"You're going to regret it."
I already regretted letting her go. I just didn't think I had the right to ask her to stay.
"Think about it," Marcus said as he gathered the ingredients for dinner. I stuck around to help since Joey was outside with Xander and I didn't want to wallow about Carolina .
Had I made a huge mistake in letting her go? Should I have told her how I felt when she was here? Had she felt the same way? I enjoyed her company. I liked her. But was it love? I wasn't sure. It sure felt like the beginning of a relationship. But we were doomed from the start. There was no way we could have worked out logistically. Right?
I made myself useful in the kitchen. Then after dinner, I left Joey to watch a movie with his uncle while I prepared the upstairs rooms for my family. We had a skeleton crew that I was letting go now that the storm was over.
For the next few days, it would just be us here. I loved this time of the year, when it was only family in the lodge. But this year, it didn't hold the same appeal. It felt like something was missing. Every once in a while, I'd pause putting sheets on a bed and press the area over my heart. There was a stabbing pain I couldn't seem to get rid of.
At bed time, I encouraged Joey to take a bath, then tucked him into bed. "I'm going to miss Caro."
"Me too, buddy."
His lower lip protruded. "You should have asked her to stay."
"Why do you say that?"
"That's what Marcus said."
My chest tightened. "He shouldn't have said that."
"But he's right. We all liked her."
"Her family is in Maine. Ours is here. It wouldn't have been fair to ask her to stay." Why was I having a relationship conversation with my son?"
"If you love each other?—"
"Caro was a friend." Except the nights we spent together weren't friendly. It felt like so much more, like the beginning of something beautiful. The pain in my chest was sharper now.
"I want her here."
"That's not how it works, bud. She has a life in Maine. She'll visit in April." Maybe. I wasn't so sure anymore after talking to Marcus.
We were new. Neither of us planned for anything to happen. It was supposed to be light and fun. But I let my feelings get involved, and now it was a tangled mess. I was mixed-up and confused. But I had my family visiting. I'd think about it after the holidays.
I kissed him on the forehead and turned out his light, leaving his door slightly ajar. Then I went to my bedroom. It was weird being here alone after last night when we'd fooled around on the couch and slept together. It had been intimate and cozy, a glimpse into what could be possible for us.
Was it crazy to think we could work something out? That our lives could converge?
I wanted to make sure she got home okay, so I texted her when I was in bed.
Oliver: Are you home?
She sent me an image of her feet kicked up in front of a fire.
Carolina: Home sweet home.
Oliver: I bet you're happy to be in your own house.
I wasn't sure why I said that. It wasn't how I felt. Was I fishing for something from her? A sign that she felt the same loss I did? Was she also wondering what if?
Carolina: I miss you and Joey. I had a wonderful time being snowed in with you guys.
Oliver: Me too .
What else was there to say? I wish you could have stayed? What good did it do now? She was there, and I was here. We'd made our choices. There was no turning back.
Oliver: Good luck with your father tomorrow.
Carolina: I feel good about it. It's the right thing to do.
Carolina had things to do with her family, necessary things. She wouldn't have stayed in Telluride anyway.
Oliver: Have a good Christmas Eve.
Carolina: You too, Oliver.
Why did that text feel final? Did she not want to talk anymore? Was it too hard for her? Or had she not felt the same way and was ready to move on? I wouldn't know unless I asked, but it was late, and she was probably tired. Besides, wouldn't she have said something? I like to think if she had said she loved me, that I would have responded in kind. It was like I was waiting for a sign from her, but I never got one.
I let my head fall back to the pillow. It was too late now. My mind was filled with all the things I needed to do tomorrow. Except I felt empty without Carolina here. She would have loved to meet my parents. She would have loved our large family Christmas. And I wanted to give her that.
But it was too late now.
I might never know what-if because I hadn't told her how I felt. The confusing mix of emotions I was experiencing. The practical, logical side of my brain couldn't get past our geographical distance. I couldn't ask her to leave her family.
I hoped her mother and sister came through for her and her dad wasn't a total asshole. I didn't want her to be lonely or hurting. It killed me when I thought about her being alone on a holiday that she loved so much. She wanted to be surrounded by family and enjoying traditions. It was a simple request. Exactly what I wanted from a partner. An appreciation of the little things, wanting to share a life together, and enjoying the season.
But I hadn't told her any of those things. I wasn't sure if it would have made a difference. Would she have left if I asked her to stay? My stomach tightened. I wished I would have said something, anything to let her know how I was feeling, even if it was the confusing mix.
I hadn't even said I'd see her in April. What was she thinking? That I didn't care about her? That our time together hadn't meant anything? But was that something I could even say in a text?
I tossed and turned all night, finally falling asleep close to dawn. Then Joey was up and excited for the arrival of his grandparents and his favorite uncle, Killian.
I had to focus on him and making this a good Christmas. I was always worried he'd ask about Tina and why she didn't seem interested in spending the holiday with him.