Winter Baby Bump & Grind (Seasons in Montana: Winter)

6. Ryan

six

Ryan

M y fault, my fault, my fault.

The words ring in my ears as I stare at the two faint-but-definitely-still-there lines on the pee stick Mel’s laid out on the bathroom counter. After she lost her lunch in the kitchen trash, I sped around trying to clear the offending scent from the space while she got cleaned up. Then she tasked me with going to the store for a pregnancy test.

I couldn’t set foot in Wintervale’s Country Store for that, not without setting the town ablaze with fresh gossip, so I drove into Starlight Springs and grabbed one from the pharmacy next to the university.

By the time I returned, Mel had composed herself and eaten dinner, but my mind was filled with a million questions.

“I don’t understand,” I say stupidly. “How?”

Her eyebrows shoot up and she crosses her arms under her breasts.

“I mean, I understand how , but I remember you being on some kind of contraceptive. Did that change?”

In response, she sighs and retrieves a small case from the drawer I’d cleared for her to use. With a flick of her fingers, it opens to a row of candy-looking pills arranged in a circle.

“You’re right, I’ve always been on something. But a few months ago, I switched to the pill. The side effects were easier to deal with and it helped with my cycle. But during the move, I kind of… forgot to stay on top of them.” She looks ruefully at the pill pack, a finger tracing over the ones that haven’t been punched out. “And we didn’t think to use any other prevention method, because… well, we just haven’t for so long, have we? As you say, I was always on something. Now, here we are.”

Because I never wanted barriers. Because I wanted to be as close to you as possible, always.

“Here we are,” I repeat.

She hugs herself and dips her head look at my face. “Are you mad?”

I draw back and run my hand through my hair. “Mad about what? This is on both of us. I shouldn’t have left it solely up to you.”

Mel goes wooden. “Why? Because I can’t be trusted with being responsible enough to take a pill at the same time every day?”

Sighing, I drag a hand over my face and stalk out of the bathroom. I need space to think, and while the remodeled bathroom is spacious, it’s feeling like the walls are closing in on me and the facts of what’s happening swirl in my head.

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Well, say it plain, Ryan, because I never know what you’re thinking except when you’re thinking about fucking me. Somehow, that’s the one thing you and I excel at. But talking about things? Actually communicating and working out our shit? Having an actual relationship? That’s always been the trickier part.”

The edge in her voice has me rounding on her, irritation spiking along with a cascade of emotions I can’t even detangle.

Mel’s pregnant.

With our child.

A child I’m utterly unprepared for.

A child I don’t have the first clue of how to parent, considering the shit examples my parents were.

I pull on my chin and stare at her. Then with a hapless shrug of my shoulders, I stretch my arms wide and let the words pour out.

“What relationship, Mel? Is friends with benefits much of a relationship?”

Her mouth drops open, and an irritated flush creeps into her cheeks.

“That’s the status of our relationship because that’s what you wanted.”

“It’s not. It’s what I settled for because it’s all you were willing to give me.”

“I was willing to give you everything!” Mel splutters, her eyes going huge and round. “You’re the one who didn’t want an actual relationship.”

“When did I say that?”

“It’s not what you said. It’s all the things you never said,” she chokes, tears brimming her eyes and trembling on the edge of her dark lashes. “Ryan, three months before we broke up, I told you that I loved you, remember?”

Fuck.

I close my eyes and expel a breath. It was my birthday, and we’d been walking home from another fraternity social, hand in hand. She asked me why I never touched a drink, why I was always the designated driver. I told her about my family history for the first time, about the way I grew up. The son of the town drunkard and a woman with a temper as ugly as my father’s. I told her about Shane, my older brother who protected me as much as he could… until he discovered he had a weakness for something stronger.

For years, I never told a soul about what went on behind closed doors, but it all came pouring out of me that night. Because for the first time in my life, I felt safe.

Mel made me feel safe.

And after I spilled my guts, wondering if she’d cast me aside and see how unworthy I was, all she did was wrap her arms around me and told me she loved me.

I wasn’t even able to hug her back in the moment.

Slamming my eyes shut, I pinch the bridge of my nose. What a fucking idiot I’d been. I’d been vulnerable with her, and she offered me comfort and love. Then, she shared her feelings, her own vulnerability with me, and I… couldn’t even grant her the smallest reassurance. No wonder she felt we were better off as friends.

Her voice goes soft. “You never could say it back, Ry. You couldn’t even tell me how you felt about me, or that you wanted me in any way that wasn’t just physical. So what was I supposed to think?”

Something inside me breaks, and a tight, hot ball lodges itself in my throat.

“I don’t even know what the hell love is. I don’t know what it means . How could I give you something I’m not sure exists? All I know is that I’ve always cared for you. I tried to show you because actions speaking louder than words, right?”

“It wasn’t enough,” she murmurs, shaking her head. “Not for me.”

“I know it wasn’t enough. Before you, the only people in my life who said those words to me were people who hurt me. They hurt my brother,” I croak as my eyes slide shut against the dark memories of ugly words, smashed bottles, raised fists, black-and-blue markings on skin. “I didn’t know how to take that. I still don’t. I don’t know if I deserve it.”

Her jaw tightens, and she lays a hand on my heart.

“What they did to you? That wasn’t love. You didn’t deserve any of the shit they put you through. They should’ve never laid a hand on you, but they didn’t break you. They didn’t destroy your heart.”

“Then I lost them, Mel. I lost them all.” I tilt my face to hers, my voice dropping to barely above a whisper as my hands curl into tight fists. “I was relieved. And ashamed. And angry. And sad. I only wished Shane hadn’t been in the car with them that night. I wish I could’ve done more for him. Tried harder to protect him or fight for him, or… something. Not just let him go down the same path our parents had.”

I lower my face into my hands and scrub hard, trying to clear the ghosts from my mind. They held me back for so long, imprisoning me in the darkness of my own mind and stunting my ability to welcome in anything light, anything good, anything like Mel.

Her expression softens as she pushes her hair over the curve of one shoulder. I watch it cascade like silk, a dark wave over her light brown skin.

“You were a kid, Ryan. Shane was an adult and so were your parents. You aren’t them. You’re stronger than what you’ve been through. That’s why you’re still standing.”

“I’m still standing because I wasn’t in that fucking car.”

“No.” She shakes her head, firmly. “You’re still standing because you made different choices. Better ones. You didn’t succumb to the same vices they did. Proof that you are not them. You’re better, stronger.”

I reach for her, drawing her into my arms and tipping her face up. My knuckles graze her wet cheeks, swiping away the tears I’ve caused and hating the gnawing ache in my chest.

“What if I’m not?” I whisper. “What if I’m broken in the same way they were? What if I’m not strong enough or capable of giving you what you want? What you deserve?”

“You’re not broken. If you were, you wouldn’t care as much as you do. About me, about the brothers you pledged to, about the team you coach.” Mel presses a kiss to my palm. “Yes, I want your love. But knowing you’re open to it, for now, would be enough.”

“And if I can’t give it to you?” I swallow hard, a lump constricting my throat as my hand drifts low to her soft stomach. “How can I give it to a child?”

“What are you saying?” She swipes at her cheeks and stares at me. “Do you really think you’ll never be able to love me? To love a baby you and I created together?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you were right the first time around, Mel. Maybe we are better off as friends.”

“Right. Friends .” She shakes her head, and a sharp, bitter laugh cuts the air as temper glitters in her eyes. “Let’s settles this now, shall we? Is this friendly?” Gripping the edge of her shirt, she yanks it over her head. “How many friends of yours do this for you? Strip down to their skin, beg for your touch, bare their souls?”

My cock stirs at the expanse of her curves, the sight of her breasts bound in deep, sultry red lace, but warning bells are firing in my head. The irritated flush in her cheeks, the flash in her eyes, and the way her breathing grows shallow doesn’t fit with the way her nipples tighten to points poking through the thin material.

“What are you doing?”

She shoves me back so I fall onto the bed with a bounce.

“How many of your friends do this to you?” Her hand cups my hardening cock through my jeans, and I grunt, automatically arching into her touch.

“None,” I growl, rolling us over and holding myself above her. My gaze drags over her heaving breasts, her parted lips. “No one affects me like you do.”

She shoves her hands under my shirt and pulls it off, grazing my nipple with her teeth.

I suck in air and snatch her hands from undoing my belt. Instead, I pin her arms above her head, and grind against her core, watching as her lips curl upward.

“ Yesss ,” she hisses, back arching. “You got a lot of friends who spread their legs for you?”

“No.”

Wriggling free from my grasp, she yanks my belt off and undoes my jeans before pressing me onto my back. She strips my pants off, taking my boxers with them. I sit up when she slides off the bed, discards her own pants and gives me a spectacular view of her rounded, jiggling ass when she bends to grab something from the bottom of the nightstand.

Then she’s on her knees in front of me, running her palms up my thighs. I hiss out a breath when she wraps her fingers around my girth and tugs roughly on me, bringing my cock to attention while rolling my balls in her other hand.

“You got friends who know you like to be handled like this?”

“Fuck no.”

She flicks her tongue over the swollen tip, lapping at the bead of moisture that tops my slit. I hold my breath when she traces the crown then pulls me to her mouth and swallows me down.

My head falls back, and I curse at the ceiling while she sucks me in time with the stroke of her hands. Every thought in my head falls away as she draws me deeper, taking me further in her mouth until I can feel the back of her throat closing around me.

“Christ, Mel.”

She releases me with a loud pop sound, pinning me with a dark look. “Call me Bunny.” Then she takes me in her mouth once again, and her saliva trails down my length, coating her hand as she works me.

I reach down and gather her hair into my fist, need overriding sense as I watch her mouth stretch over me. “Yes, Bunny, that feels so fucking good.”

Her hum of approval vibrates down my shaft as I guide her to take me deep once again.

Then she holds up Bob in her free hand, flips a switch, and I nearly blow my load when I see her lower the bulbous head between her legs. I watch as she slides the toy against her heat, and she moans around me.

“Goddamn. Let me see you,” I growl and pull her off me. Leaning down, I kiss her hard and am rewarded with her teeth digging into my lip as I bring her to her feet and position her on the bed while I stand above her. “Let me see how just how well Bob can take care of this pussy.”

“Not as well as you can.” She gives me a wicked smile as she moves the lace to one side and drags the toy over her folds, coating it in her glistening juices. “How many of your friends fuck themselves in front you? How many of them think of you every time they touch themselves?”

Fisting my hand over my cock, I pump myself and watch hunger light up her brown eyes as she tracks the movement.

“Show me.”

“Answer me first,” she murmurs, one hand cupping her breast and rolling the stiff peak.

“No one does this for me,” I say. “Only you.”

Then she hitches her hips and slides the toy deep inside her pussy. My mouth runs dry as I thrust into my own hand more frantically. Over and over, she fucks herself until she matches me stroke for stroke, a pink flush creeping high over her chest as her back arches and she whines out my name.

Then, she stretches out a hand to me, and in a broken, breathless voice pleads, “Please, Ryan. Please.”

“Need help cumming, Bunny?”

“ Yesss.”

I grab hold of Bob and work that purple cock in and out of her dripping hole. Then, I lower my head to suckle her clit and watch as she breaks so beautifully against my tongue and around the silicone.

When her shudders subside, I withdraw the toy and roll her over. Pulling her onto her knees, I undo her bra and fill my hands with her bountiful breasts while she groans and wiggles the curve of her ass against me.

Gathering her hair in my hands, I gently yank her head back and kiss her roughly.

“Now let’s see who makes you cum harder. Me, or your other friend, Bob?”

“We’re not friends, Ryan.”

My lips curve against her shoulder as I slide my cock against her entrance. “No, I guess we’re not.”

Then, I sink in deep and ride her until she screams my name.