Winter Baby Bump & Grind (Seasons in Montana: Winter)

7. Melissa

seven

Melissa

O ur days pass in companionable bliss, though I know there are still outstanding issues we need to resolve. But in the meantime, I choose to enjoy the small, subtle shifts in our relationship now that we’re definitely out of the friends-with-benefits zone. In particular, I’ve fallen in love with strolling along Main Street hand-in-hand when the sun is just warming the mountaintops and spending weekends meandering through the open market among Wintervale’s residents and visiting tourists. Ryan introduces me to more of the locals and waits patiently while I pitch ideas for events at the coffeeshop.

During one of our morning trips, we pass the Brewbirds’ vendor tent, and I pull him toward the line, insisting I can do with another cup of our sensational mint hot chocolate.

He aims an indulgent smile my way and wraps his arms around me to ward off the winter chill. “Never thought I’d see the day you wouldn’t pick up some sugared coffee concoction. Craving something different these days?”

My heart accelerates when his hands drop down to my belly, caressing my soft curves meaningfully. Though we haven’t discussed the topic in-depth, we agreed not to rush into any rash decisions and take the time to consider what we each want as we move forward together.

With a nervous laugh, I pull out of his embrace.

“Not a craving, exactly. It’s just something I’m supposed to limit during this time.”

“Oh.” His eyebrows lift and he nods. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” Then he frowns. “Seems there’s a lot to learn about all this, huh? Maybe after this, we ought to head over to the Country Store and see if they have a few books on the topic.”

“Tell you what. Why don’t you get a head start? I’ll grab my drink and meet you there. Did you want anything from the coffee cart?”

“Maybe a spiced apple cider?” He points to the handwritten specialty drink, gives me a quick kiss, and heads off in the direction of the General Store. “See you in a minute.”

I watch him go for a moment as I shuffle forward and find myself face to face with Kelsey.

“So, let me guess. Someone grew a pair and finally decided to go after what they really wanted?”

Placing a hand on my chest, I feign shock. “Are you talking about me?”

Kelsey rolls her eyes as she works, dusting a cappuccino with chocolate dust before handing it off to the customer standing off to one side. “No, of course not. I’ve been waiting for both of you to stop this little idiotic friends-with-bennies dance you’ve been doing forever. It’s nice—if a little gross, okay? All that PDA—to see you guys actually on the same wavelength for once.”

I laugh. “I don’t think you can take all the credit. We would’ve gotten there in the end.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You’d have spent the next three years still swearing by your silly arrangement. Now, what can I get you?” She immediately starts filling a portafilter with fresh grinds as the machine whirs to life.

“Uh, actually, I’m going for a mint hot chocolate today and a spiced apple cider for Ryan.”

“What?” Kelsey blanches and stops the grind.

“A mint hot chocolate and a spi—”

“No, nuh-uh. In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve only ever had hot chocolate as an evening comfort drink.” Her eyes narrow to slits as she studies my face, and I shuffle my feet under the scrutiny. “Why the change? Every morning for weeks, you’ve come in with a different coffee order, without fail. But today, you ask for hot chocolate?”

“I wanted something different.” I say this with a smile, but there’s no fooling Kelsey.

She leans over the counter and lowers her voice. “Mel, the last time I remember you having hot chocolate instead of coffee in the morning, it was because you were… you were…” Then realization dawns, and her gray eyes widen. “No fucking way. You’re not.”

“I am,” I say softly. “Ryan knows.”

“And your family?”

“Not yet. They’ll only lecture me about being irresponsible, and I don’t need that kind of energy right now. I need to be able to make decisions about what I’m doing without them.”

“Wow. Well, now, I think that’s great,” Kelsey says. “Thinking through things for yourself. Very independent.”

“I’m prepared to do this without Ryan, if he decides he doesn’t want to do this with me. But between you and me, he does seem to be warming to the idea.” I chew on my lower lip for a moment. “If he doesn’t, well… Sloane’s been solo parenting for a while. I’m sure she’ll have pointers for me. Maybe we can create a sisterhood commune and raise the kiddos together.”

Kelsey laughs. “Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. What did Ryan say about the baby?”

That he wasn’t sure he could love me, let alone our child.

I clear my throat. “That he’s scared.”

“That’s natural. It’s a big change. Did you tell him what happened last time?”

“No.” I motion for her to keep her voice down, looking around to make sure Ryan’s well out of earshot. “I haven’t told him anything about last time. He doesn’t even know there was a last time.”

“Mel.” Kelsey levels me with an admonishing look as she hands me my drink and spins away to fix Ryan’s.

“I know you think I should tell him, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. Is there any point in dredging up the past? When it’s just another loss for him to swallow, after he’s lost so much already? I don’t want to hurt him.” Keeping my hands cupped around the warm to-go cup, I fix my gaze on the countertop. “Besides, what if it happens again? What if I lose this baby, too?”

Kelsey slides Ryan’s drink across the countertop, then jumps around the barrier to envelop me in a big hug. My eyes drift shut, and I squeeze her back.

“I was there for you last time. I’m still here for you.” She pulls away and gives me a tight smile. “This time, you’re not navigating it alone either. You’ve got me. You’ve got Ryan. Sloane and Dani, too, if you choose to tell them.”

“Thank you,” I say, squeezing her hand in gratitude. Then, I drop a few bills and take our drinks. Bracing myself for the onslaught of information I know all those expectant parent books contain, I make a beeline for Wintervale’s Country Store.

The rest of the week passes in a blur as I start implementing the ideas and events I had to morph Brewbirds Coffeehouse into the community hub Kelsey and I dreamed up together. I stay in the shop after shifts, drawing up plans and social media campaigns, darting through Wintervale’s market to mingle with the local artists, and going door-to-door of the local businesses to find out if they’d be willing to help me get the word out on our new calendar.

Already, I’ve got the grannies of the town committed to running yarn craft workshops as a regular weekly after-school offering for the local kids and any adults hoping to try their hand at knitting and crochet. To compliment that, I’ve also proposed bringing in the artisan wool spinner to lead spinning and hand-dyed yarn workshops once a month.

There’s a book club starting on Tuesday evenings, a showcase for local musical talent or poetry slams or other performance art on Friday nights, plus a monthly sip-and-paint workshop on Thursday nights led by Dani, and a child-and-parent monthly baking course that Sloane and her daughter Lily will take the lead on.

It’s a good mix of offerings to appeal to both locals and holidaymakers as we focus on bringing more of Wintervale’s residents and surroundings to the forefront of our plans. In time, I hope it will solidify Brewbirds’ reputation as a communal cornerstone of the town.

Before I know it, it’s nearly closing time. Outside, the snow has fallen slow and steady, blanketing the town and the mountaintops in soft, white powder.

Stretching, I rise to help Dani with the final tasks of closing out. While she wipes down all the countertops and equipment, I whizz around the room wielding a mop. With the sound system cranked up and Dani in the office counting out the till, I don’t notice the knock on the window at first.

Then the song ends, and the bang bang bang sound startles me like the clap of thunder.

I whirl around, heart pumping and hand flying to my chest while I step back. The heel of my high tops catches the mop, and I trip over, bumping against the bucket of dirty water. I can’t quite catch my footing, and I see the flare of alarm in Ryan's eyes as he rattles the locked door when I go down.

One of my arms smacks against the edge of a table, and my ass hits the ground hard. A shock of pain erupts in my body, and I roll to one side, cradling my aching arm as my eyes well up with tears.

“Shit. Mel? Mel!” Ryan shouts, banging on the glass harder than before.

“What is going on?” Dani rushes out from the back office, her shoes squeaking against the damp flooring. “Ohmygod, Mel, are you okay?”

“I think so,” I murmur. “Get the door.”

She rises to let Ryan in, and he rushes to my side.

“I’m going to burn these shoes,” he mutters, gathering me up in his arms. “Are you okay? Did you hit your head?”

“I’m fine,” I say, rubbing my arm where it hit the table. “Nothing’s broken, I don’t think.”

Dani hops from one foot to the other. “Should I call Kelsey?”

“No,” I grit out.

At the same time, Ryan says, “Yes.”

“What for?”

“Work-related accident.” Ryan frowns as he examines my arm.

“It’s not necessary,” I murmur as Dani heads to the back office, saying she’ll just let Kelsey know.

He helps me stand but doesn’t let go of my waist. “Maybe we should get you to a doctor, just for added reassurance.”

Doctors? I can’t afford the unexpected cost of a doctor for something as simple as a fall. Every spare cent I’m making is being banked for the future.

“I’m okay. You startled me, is all.”

“You fell.”

“Are you sure everything’s okay?” His eyes track over my body, down to my belly and back up to my face. “Aren’t falls dangerous?”

Oh.

“She’s got a lot of cushioning, too,” I say, smoothing a hand over my abdomen and willing my words to be true. “I’m not worried.”

“She?”

I shrug. “Just a feeling.”

He doesn’t say anything when Dani emerges and sends me home while she finishes up the last of the cleanup. But in the morning, when I wake with a light cramp and find blood spots in my panties, I crumble.

With shaking fingers, terror fills my heart as my vision blurs and everything I went through six years ago comes flooding back.

Balling the thin material in a fist, I wrap a hand around my middle and sink to my knees.

“No,” I whisper. “Not again. Not again. Not again.”

“Mel?” Ryan’s voice is muffled through the door. “Everything okay?”

“No. Get the doctor, Ryan. Get the doctor.” Panic makes my voice shrill, and in an instant, the door flies open.

Ryan’s gaze flicks from mine to my hand. Then comprehension dawns as his features harden. With speed and care, he carts me out of the bathroom, wrapping me in a jacket and bundling me into the truck while the tears coast down my cheeks freely.

“Don’t worry, Mel. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to get help, and it’s all going to be okay.”

“I’m scared.” I cry brokenly, clutching at his jacket with white-knuckled panic. “I can’t do this again, Ry. I can’t lose this baby, too.”

All the color drains from his face. “What do you mean, you can’t do this again? You can’t lose this baby, too ?”

Fuck .

I search his gaze and confess the secret I’ve carried for years.

“The summer after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. At first, I just thought I was coming down with something or that I had some bad shellfish, but by the time I realized I was pregnant, the semester was over and I was in Colorado with my family. I didn’t know what to do, or how to tell you because we weren’t together anymore and you in Soltero Beach with a few of the guys from your hockey team.”

I sniffle, swiping at my wet face while his expression goes blank and my heart stutters.

“What happened?” His voice is as cold and biting as the winter temperatures surrounding us.

“While you were at the scouting combine getting ready for the draft, I miscarried. I was only a few weeks along, and it started just like this.” My hand drifts over my belly. “With cramps and bleeding. And by the time I realized what was happening, it was over.”

“Jesus, Mel. You should’ve told me.” He slams the door shut, circles around the vehicle, and launches himself into the driver’s seat. Thrusting the key into the ignition, he gives it a savage twist of his wrist, and the SUV roars to life. “Who knew? Did Kelsey know?”

“Yes, but she was here in Wintervale, I was back home. There was nothing she could do. Nothing you, or anyone, could do. By the time you came back, I’d dropped my fall classes to focus on me. On healing. I was wrecked after. And after your family’s accident, I didn’t think I could burden you with the knowledge of another loss.”

He doesn’t respond as we barrel down the snow-dusted streets of Wintervale, heading for the hospital. The stubborn jut of his jaw and the stony expression etched into his handsome face somehow make me feel more alone than ever.

With a new layer of fear wrapping itself around my insides, I wonder if this is how I lose them both.