With a Grain of Salt (Lindell Book 3)

Chapter 34

Claire

I know it”s in my head, but my coffee tastes bitter as I sip on it this morning.

I tossed and turned all night, and although that was nothing new for me, my thoughts were riddled with regret and self-recrimination.

I was rude to Walker yesterday when I should”ve said thank you and kissed him while Larkin wasn”t looking.

Instead, I turned into the Grinch and threw him out of the house. He no doubt spent all day getting that tree up, decorating it, and getting gifts under the tree. I imagine he thinks I”m an ungrateful person, and it doesn”t sit well with me. For the first time in a very long time, I want to reach out and explain to him why I reacted that way and apologize for my behavior, but doing so also opens me up to more pain.

Folks who haven”t lived the life I”ve lived think they understand what it”s like. They say things like if I ever or had that happened to me I would but, honestly, you never know how you”d respond to any given situation until you”re in it. It”s the same with people who don”t have kids claiming their child would never have a meltdown in a public setting, as if a parent has the ability to control every action of another person. They forget how it was for them as a child, or maybe the lack of experience makes them believe that a child is a robot and always listens to commands. Fun fact, they don”t.

Just like I did multiple times last night, I stare down at my phone, the last text message he sent from two evenings ago, and another wave of regret hits me.

I fought the urge to send him a message last night and now it feels like the window for apology is up. Weeks ago, I would”ve argued that I was doing the right thing by cutting ties with him, but as time passes, I begin to wonder if I did the wrong thing.

I was upset and grateful and angry and happy all rolled into one, and I didn”t want to have to struggle through all of those emotions with a witness. If he really wants to be with me like he claims, shouldn”t I allow him to bear witness to me trying to work through all of that rather than shoving him away until I was in a better place mentally?

All I know is that I probably messed up where he”s concerned, but, honestly, it”s no surprise. Given two choices, I”m always going to make the wrong one.

I close out the text messages and pull up Kristina”s contact information, pressing the call button and putting it to my ear.

”What”s up?” she asks when the call connects. ”You have to wear long pants, Justin. It”s cold outside.”

I smile at the hint of frustration she”s trying to hide in her voice. Mornings can be rough when you have to help a child get ready while also getting ready yourself.

”I was hoping you could swing by and pick me up for work.”

”Sure,” she says without hesitation.

”I”d need to have you also drop Larkin off with Madison.”

”Not a problem. How did she like the tree?”

It”s no surprise to me that she knew about the tree. After thinking about the events of yesterday, I realized that probably more than one person at the vet”s clinic knew. Corbin mentioned the possibility of staying late if we had late clients show up, even though I”ve worked there for three years and know how it goes. I only found it a little strange yesterday until I got home and really started thinking about it.

”She loves it,” I say, looking down at my little girl who insisted on eating breakfast on the floor in front of the tree. She didn”t even want the television on this morning, which is unusual for her. She doesn”t always watch it, but she likes the routine and noise of it in the background while she plays.

”I bet she does,” Kristina says. ”I was obsessed with the lights when I was little. I could sit and watch for hours. Justin doesn”t even care. He complains about there being no presents under the tree, but he”s the one who opened them all three years ago and ruined the holidays. I swear boys are mischievous. He just can”t be trusted. Jesus, he”s in a snowsuit. I”ll see you in a bit.”

The call goes dead, and I have to laugh because kids can seriously run you ragged. Larkin is quite content with wearing whatever I put out for her the night before. She”d stay in her pajamas all day if I let her, but I know there will come a time when she wants to pick her own clothes. I”ll have to pick my battles those days like I did this morning with breakfast on the living room floor.

I”ve noticed that Larkin hasn”t paid much attention to the gifts under the tree other than to point out how pretty it is for the tree lights to be glinting off some of the holographic wrapping paper. I realized while staring at the tree last night after Larkin went to bed that it”s in fact my tree. It has the same wonky branches that no matter which way you turn it, you can’t hide the malformation. I got it for Larkin’s first Christmas on clearance. The lights on it are limited but the ornaments are shiny, making it look fuller than it really is. It”s a pitiful sort when it”s unplugged, but Larkin loves it and that”s all that matters.

I finish my coffee even with how bitter it tastes, grab Larkin”s mostly empty plate, and carry it to the kitchen. I know better than to wash the dishes before wiping her down because she”ll make more of a mess in a matter of minutes.

She pulls away from me slightly when I wipe her face.

”We have a few more minutes until we leave,” I explain, having learned that going from playing and having fun to let”s go doesn”t work for her.

Sometimes the reminder that we have to leave the house doesn”t always work, but I keep providing them.

I rush to my bathroom to run a brush through my hair and pile it on my head because I lost track of time getting lost in my head.

As I”m leaving the bathroom, a knock hits my door. I figured Kristina would text or call when she was outside, and I automatically feel like a tool for her having to give me a ride and stand out in the cold.

I tug open the front door, looking over my shoulder to make sure Larkin is putting her dolls away so she can put on her jacket. ”I need just a minute. I—”

My words stop when I see Walker”s smiling face rather than Kristina”s.

I look around him when a horn blows, seeing the woman in question give me a little wave before backing out of the parking spot she was in.

I know there”s something wrong with my personality when my anger flares at the sight of him standing there and her driving away. He”s making decisions for me, and I don”t like it.

”Walker,” I growl.

”You”re so hot when you”re mad.”

”So you do it on purpose?” I snap, taking a step back to help Larkin with her jacket. ”Just to piss me off?”

”Walkey! Tree!”

”I see, sweetheart. Do you like it?”

”Pwetty!” she says, brushing hair off her face after I slip the jacket into place.

”I”d rather you smile at me, but the anger has its place too. Is there anything I can help you with this morning?”

I swallow down a plethora of emotions when he runs his hand down my arm, giving my fingers a light squeeze before breaking contact.

”You should”ve called and told me you were coming. I wouldn”t have had Kristina waste her time.”

”My apologies,” he says in a distinguished way that makes my lip twitch with a threatening smile.

”Maybe I didn”t want you to take me to work. Maybe I—”

My mouth snaps shut when he dangles my car key in my face.

I’m both ecstatic to see it and a little worried about the expense of what it cost to fix.

“How much do I owe Boone?”

He’s silent for a long moment, making me believe that he’s going to refuse to tell me.

“Fifty bucks, but if you ask me, he overcharged.”

I narrow my eyes at him.

”Fifty?”

”Yep. I covered it, but you can pay me back whenever you want to.”

This surprises me as well. If it weren”t for the look in his eyes as they travel down my body, I”d wonder if yesterday was the last straw for him. It seems Walker Conroy is also picking his battles.

”Thank you,” I tell him, reaching up to grab the key from his hand.

He doesn”t immediately release the thing, prolonging our touch, and it tells me without words that he hasn”t given up on me yet. Knowing this makes me want to cry, but I fight that urge and turn back to gather my belongings.

”I”ll be right back,” I say when he pulls back, my emotions once again all over the place.

”Walkey, look!” Larkin says, grabbing his hand and dragging him toward the tree.

I go to my bedroom and grab my jacket, stopping to watch them interact in the living room.

He doesn”t change the way he treats her just because I leave the room. He smiles and talks to her, their conversation not making much sense because it”s clear he doesn”t speak toddler. Larkin is happy to have his attention so she doesn”t get frustrated if he says something that doesn”t make sense when she asks a question.

I spend a couple of minutes watching her point to the presents and talk about the sparkles the lights cast on the wrapping paper. I think that”s her favorite part.

When she picks up her troll dolls from the floor and carries them to her toy chest, he helps her, smiling at me when I walk back into the room.

He waits for me at the front door after we walk out into the cold, holding Larkin”s hand because she demands it. Her car seat has already been pulled from his truck and put in my car. I notice the warmth inside as I load her up, and it”s just one more thing that makes the threat of tears very real. Normally, I”d have to bundle Larkin up like we were heading for a mountain hike because the heat was just as finicky as every other problem that car had.

He doesn”t hesitate to press his lips to mine once more after I stand and close Larkin”s door.

”I”ll see you this evening,” he whispers as he walks around the car and opens my door for me.

I nod, wishing I had a couple of hours to stand here and tell him all the things I have bottled up inside of me, but, thankfully, I don”t have time. He may still be hanging around for now, but I doubt that would be the case if I fully opened up to him.

He stands on the sidewalk, giving me a little wave as I back out, the warmth of the car swirling around us.

I”m halfway to Madison”s when I realize I never told him that I couldn”t make my shift tonight. It makes me feel like a complete jerk because I normally don”t work on Tuesday evening, but Maggie was leaving to go back home for the holidays, and I offered to take every one of her shifts this week.

I consider taking Larkin back to the Kennedys, but just the thought makes my stomach turn. I have to stand my ground. Nora has to know that she can”t just talk to me in any kind of way.

No matter how much time I want to spend with Walker and how much debt I have to pay off, what kind of example am I setting for Larkin if I say nothing while someone berates me on a daily basis?