– Sammy –
Ouch
I wish Angelo would stop calling me Mama. It feels awkward. I feel like a phony. I’m not her mom, I’m just someone who loves her like a mom would love her baby. I’m not here to replace Shari, I just want to make sure Lily is happy and safe and fed. I want her to love me like I love her, but she doesn’t have to call me Mama.
“What do you want, Samantha?”
Straight to the heart.
He promised he’d never call me Samantha again.
“Angelo calls you Scotch.”
“Yeah. Next.”
“Um… okay.” Where do I even start? “It’s been a long time.”
“Yup. Long time. Next.”
I let out a deep sigh. This isn’t the Sam I remember. I don’t even know how to talk to him. “Maybe we should do this a little more formally. Perhaps our lawyers could set up a mediation or something.”
“Why do we need lawyers? Just get to the fucking point, Samantha. Thirteen years is a long time. You didn’t come all the way back here to shoot the shit. You want something, so say it.”
“I need your help.”
His light eyes flash with anger. “Why in hell would I help you? I don’t even know you anymore.”
“Because you’re a good person. You’re angry for some reason, and you’re taking shots at me. But the Sam I knew was a good man.”
“The Sam you knew? Are you fucking stupid?”
I inhale a painful gulp of air. He’s changed so much. This man in front of me is a stranger.
“And I’m angry ‘for some reason?’ Don’t be that person, Samantha. Don’t be stupid. It doesn’t look good on you.”
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
“But this isn’t about what I want from you, is it? This is about you wanting something from me. So, like I said, get to the fucking point!”
Lily whimpers at Sam’s shouted words. I step forward and rock her carseat gently, and I face him square on. “I need your help. I need two months of your time. I need you to do this one single selfless deed that’ll guarantee you a spot in heaven and all the good karma any man could ever wish for.”
He stares at me for a long minute, breathing angrily through his teeth as his chest lifts and falls rapidly. “You want something big from me, and in payment, you offer a seat in a world I don’t believe in, with a god who’s done nothing but fuck me over time and time again, and good karma?”
It sounded better in my head. “If you want something from me in return, just ask. Anything you want. This is more important than anything I own. Just name it.”
“Come suck my dick, Sammy. You’ll do anything? Give anything? Come kneel at my feet and pick up where you left off more than a decade ago.”
“Sam--”
He nods victoriously. “That’s what I thought. So just god and good karma then? That’s what it’s worth to you?”
“I have money--”
His nostrils flare with red hot anger. “Get the fuck out of my apartment!” He storms past me, his foot accidentally colliding with mine and sending painful slices up my ankle. Lily screams in fright, but Sam doesn’t see or hear or feel any of this. He swings his door wide open, slamming it against the wall with his temper and catching it as it bounces back. “Get the fuck out. Take your money. Take your kid. And go and suck your baby daddy’s dick for a favor.”
Tears well in my eyes. Pain in my leg. Pain in my heart. Worry for Lily. I never expected a warm welcome, but I never would have guessed I’d find this cold man. “I can’t leave, Sam. This isn’t an option for me.”
“It’s an option for me. Get. The Fuck. Out.”
Lily continues to scream, popping her pacifier out as her face scrunches and burns red, and her tiny fists clench in anger. Her squeaky wheezing turns pained, and she gasps for air as she panics. I crouch down and ignore the angry man behind me. He’s pissed. He’s different. But I have no doubt in my mind, even with my back turned, he’d never hurt me. I unclip the straps and pull her out of the seat, then lifting her straight, I rest her face on my chest and bounce. “Shhh.” I kiss her head over and over again. “It’s okay. Shhh, Lil. Sammy’s got you, baby.”
I turn a slow circle and stop as Sam’s eyes bore into mine. He looks so sad. And lost. And angry. And like the Sam he always was. But completely different at the same time. Lily wheezes, and his eyes jump from her to me. “What’s that noise?”
“It’s okay. She’ll be okay.” I kiss her head again. “Shhh.”
“Sammy, what’s that sound?”
“Her laryngomalacia.”
He grinds his jaw in frustration. “What does that mean?”
“She has floppy airways, so she struggles a little bit sometimes.”
He slams the door quickly and blocks out the frigid cold, then rushes toward us as his hands flail in panic. “She can’t breathe?”
“Shhh.” I continue to bounce her. “She’s okay, Sam. Relax. She’s like my very own squeaky toy.”
“Does she need an ambulance? CPR? Is she choking on something? What can I do?”
“Just relax for a minute. She won’t relax if you don’t relax. She just needs to cool it and take a breath. And she’s probably hungry too. I’ll feed her when she calms down.”
Sam’s hands move into his long hair and he tugs in frustration. He steps away from me, pacing across the kitchen, then back, then away, then back again. He looks so lost and angry. Like a child that just doesn’t know how to reign in his out of control emotions.
“I’m sorry, Sam. Okay? I’m sorry for dropping in and throwing a wrench in your life. I probably got you in trouble with your girlfriend too. I’m sorry I’m hurting you.”
He stops pacing and turns back to me. He doesn’t move closer. His hands don’t leave his hair. He just stares.
“I’m sorry for everything that ever happened to us. But I need your help.” Yes. I’m taking advantage of his concern about a baby he doesn’t know. It’s not my proudest moment. But I already said I’d do anything for her, and I know without a doubt, beneath his anger, Sam is a good man. I’m willing to exploit that if that’s what it takes. “Lily and I need you.”
“The baby is Lily?”
“This is Lily. She’s not mine biologically. There’s no baby daddy. Lily’s parents are both dead, and I’m trying to adopt her. She’s already had a really shitty start to life, and now she just needs a home and love and stability. She needs me, Sam, and for that, I need you.”
His eyes flash with agony. “What do you need from me?”
“I need two months. The adoption and court will be finalized in two months. That’s not enough time for a divorce, so I need you to play along.”
“Play along with what?”
“You’re my husband. And one of the lawyers involved already knows both of us. She knows we’re not together--”
His eyes narrow. “Juliette.”
“Yeah… Juliette. She doesn’t wanna take Lily from me. She knows I’m her best chance at a good life. But the courts won’t let me keep her if I’m in this complicated relationship. I need to be divorced, or I need to be in a happy marriage. There’s not enough time for a divorce, even an amicable one.”
“You want me to pretend to be happily hitched to a girl I married when I was a teenager? Someone who shattered my fucking heart and ruined my life. Someone I haven’t seen in thirteen fucking years?”
I nod. “Lily needs you to pretend, Sam. I swear we’ll disrupt your life as little as possible. Then when it’s done, we’ll leave and you can move on. Two months. That’s all I’m asking.”
He stares at me for a long time, clenching his jaw and fisting his hands. His hair is a mess, spiky and pointing in a million directions. His shirt is wrinkled, and now that I pay attention, I realize it’s the same one from last night. His eyes are darker than usual, though still so light it’s hard not to stare.
“I fucking hate you for tearing me apart, Samantha.” He breathes through his clenched teeth. “I loved you so fucking much it tore me apart when you left. Now… I hate every hair on your body, and if I never saw you again, that would be fine with me.” He spins on his heels, snatches up keys and his wallet from the kitchen counter, then he stomps through the door and down the metal stairs. “FUCK!”
Lily whimpers at his booming shout, and I restart the bounces. “That didn’t go so well, huh, baby?” I kiss her hair and look around his kitchen. She’s smacking her lips, which means it must be close to nine a.m.
“If nothing else, Lil, I want you to remember how much I love you. I could never hurt him like this for anyone else but you.”