Without You

– Scotch –

She’s Back

Footsteps thunder up my apartment stairs, but I continue to pace my kitchen. I’m fucking exhausted. My hair stands in a billion directions because I’ve been pulling at it for hours. My feet hurt from my laps on the cold tile floor. I’m so tired I could sleep standing up, but every time I try to close my eyes, I see Sammy fucking Ricardo.

A hand slams down on my door, but I don’t go to unlock it. I already know those footsteps. I know that knock. And I know it’s not Sammy.

Why now? Why did she have to come back now? Is this a cruel joke the universe is playing on me? Have I not suffered enough?

Angelo uses his own keys and lets himself in, then he stops at the entryway and stares at me with a pale face. “What the fuck?”

I stop pacing and we stand eight feet from each other. Both with a wide stance, broad shoulders, twitching hands. Like a couple gunslingers in the west, but we’re not here to shoot each other. “What?” Don’t say her name. Don’t say her name. Don’t say her name.

“I think I just saw a ghost.”

“Say it. Say her name.” I’m my own worst enemy. I push the knives in myself; no need for anyone else’s help.

“I saw Soda.”

“Fuck!” My hands come up to my face, warming the skin with friction as I scrub in frustration. I pull at my hair in an attempt to feel something else. “Fuck, Ang.” Don’t cry, you fucking pussy. You don’t care about her anymore. She’s nothing to you. Get angry, not sad. “I was hoping that was a post-chocolate cake and mind-blowing sex dream.”

“You often eat cake and have sex and dream of Sammy?”

“No.” Pretty much. Minus the sex.

“She told me she saw you last night.”

My hands snap down and away from my face. “You spoke to her?”

“Yeah, we had breakfast together.”

“What the fuck!” I’m gutted, because I want to talk to her. I want to eat with her. I want time with her. “She your best friend now, Angelo? Why the fuck are you going out on breakfast dates with her? Did you know she was coming back?”

“No, I didn’t know. I ran into her this morning at the bakery. And no, she’s not my best friend. You are. But she was, once upon a time. She was struggling with the stroller in the door, I helped, we both realized we knew each other. We sat and talked.”

“What does she want from me, Ang?” My voice is a weak whisper. “Why’s she back?”

“I dunno, but she needs something. She said she had to talk to you.”

“She came by last night. While Nancy was here.”

“Yeah, I know. She told me that too. She doesn’t like Nancy’s tits.”

My eyes snap up to his. “She told you that?”

“She said Nancy has fake tits and an ugly scowl. I’d say she’s pretty much on the money. Those titties are fake, right?”

“Yeah, all plastic.” I pull out a chair at the table and slump in. I’m exhausted, and the sun is only just breaking over the horizon now. Today’s going to suck. But she’s back in town…

“Did you see that sweet baby she has with her?”

I bite my lip before I ask ridiculous questions. “I saw the carseat, but I didn’t see the baby.”

“She’s a beauty. Teeny tiny little thing.”

“I’m gonna be honest here, Ang. I kinda hate that you had breakfast with her. I hate that you were able to have a conversation with her and find out this information. I hate that I threw her and her sweet baby out into bad weather last night.”

“Heard about that too. I’m not sure I expected, well, anything. I didn’t think we’d ever see her again. But I definitely didn’t expect you’d kick her out if we did.”

“I panicked.”

He nods and walks forward until he leans against the kitchen counter opposite me. “She’s okay. She’s no worse for wear. They were all cozied up and warm this morning, and she was eating a good hearty breakfast when I left them.”

“When did you leave them?”

“About five minutes ago.”

The pain lances through my heart. “So they’re still out there. Just in Main, right now?”

He nods gently. “I’d say so. She was bouncing the baby back to sleep, and she had a hot coffee and pastry in front of her. It’s a safe bet that she’s still sitting out there right this second.”

So fucking close. Yet so far away. “What do I do?”

“What do you wanna do?”

I glare at him impatiently. “Are you a fucking shrink? I asked you a question hoping for an answer. Not for another question.”

He chuckles humorlessly. “I dunno what to tell you, bud. She’s right out there, and she’s still your wife. What do you wanna do about it? You could go to work and pretend this never happened. You could ask her for a divorce. You could go down and have some breakfast with her – she wants to see you anyway. Or hell, you could go whack off, because we both know thirteen years wasn’t unkind to her. Was she wearing those nice jeans last night? ‘Cause her ass--”

“Don’t say it, Angelo. Don’t you finish that fucking sentence.”

He smirks arrogantly. “Just checking. I dunno, man. Maybe give it some time. Wait for her to come to you again, but this time you’ll be prepared.”

“You think she’s coming to me again?”

“Without a doubt. She needs something from you. I dunno what, but she has that twinkle in her eyes like that time when I caught her creeping on you at the library.”

I groan and drop my head. “Don’t take me back there, Ang. Don’t remind me of times gone by. I need to move on.”

“So maybe go back to your room and have another round with Nancy. That oughtta fix you up.”

“She’s not here,” I admit. “I took her home last night.”

“Before or after you fucked her brains out?”

“Before.”

“Ah well,” he smirks and shakes his head. “Soda’s back in town. She took your virginity once, she can probably do it again.”

We both look up at the sound of footsteps moving up my outside stairs. My face blanches, but Angelo smiles. “She’s actually more determined than I gave her credit for.”

“Ang. Help me.”

“I’m still mad too, okay? She left us all. I know it hurts, but thirteen years is a long time. People change. Circumstances change. We loved her before, and we know she’s a good person. Maybe just hear her out? Whatever it is she wants, maybe just hear her out, weigh it up, perhaps grant her request. If not, then at least you heard her, and you made an informed decision. Control was taken out of your hands when we were kids--”

“Ang--”

“But we’re not kids anymore. You finally have a chance for answers. Whatever she needs, she needs it from you. You control this situation now. Get your closure. I know you haven’t moved on in all this time, so maybe now it’s time for you to get some.” He pushes off the counter and strides to the door at the very same moment she knocks, then pulling it open, she jumps with his quick movements.

“Hey Soda.” He leans forward to take the heavy carseat from her hands. “Give me the pretty baby. Lemme help you.”

“Angelo,” she stammers as she releases her iron grip on the baby seat. Even her voice is still fucking beautiful. “I guess I should have expected you’d come here.”

“He’s my boy. I’m just looking out.” Angelo peeks inside the carseat and makes a goofy face. I actually want to spew. “Hey there, pretty girl. You got bigger since I last saw you.”

Sammy giggles softly. I hate them. I hate them both.

I stand quickly, drawing their gazes, but ignoring her, I look at Ang. “I’ll come down and see you later.”

He nods. “You know where to find me.” He looks back to the still hidden baby in the carseat. “Catch you later, Squeak. Be good for your mama.”

Mama. Sammy is a mama.

I watch as Sammy’s face unexpectedly pales, but Angelo doesn’t take notice, he just sets the carseat on the floor by the table – facing away from me – then he squeezes Sammy’s shoulder on his way out.

We both stand in silence as we watch the door close behind him, then her face comes back around. She’s nervous and fidgety. She’s beautiful. And I need to harden the fuck up before I ask her to marry me again.