– Sammy –
Ghosts Everywhere
“Well, last night didn’t go quite as planned, did it, baby girl?” I take her bottle from the warmer, then test the temperature on my wrist and smile as I walk back to the chair beside my hotel bed.
Lily lies spread eagle on the bed, utterly relaxed with the smallest gassy smile on her face. She’s dressed like an amorphous blob, cozy and warm in a one-piece suit that’s thick enough for blizzards in Antarctica. Enjoying the fact she’s actually chill for once, I pick her up and pull her close to my chest.
Her thick lips smack noisily, and her head bobbles around on her neck in search of her breakfast. “You’re hungry, huh?”
It’s six a.m. on the dot, and I know that without even looking at the clock, because we’re still waking every three hours for feeds. Midnight. Three. Six. Nine. Noon.
Lily and I went out in search of Sam right after her nine o’clock feed last night. We got to town at around seven after a long day of appointments back home, she napped, she ate again, then heading out into what was only a threatened snow that turned to buckets of sloshing hell, I knocked on Sam’s apartment door.
I don’t know what I expected the first time I ever saw him again, but just being face to face was enough to almost send me mute for a lifetime. His eyes were shimmering and light. I thought I remembered him exactly. I thought my memory was perfect, but nothing could have prepared me for the intensity or lightness of the eyes I stared into freely for so long as a teenager.
Even before we were together, I stared.
And he let me.
His hair is longer now, curlier. He’s taller by a long way, broader across the chest and shoulders, and he has a thick stubble covering his jaw that’s brand new. I don’t think I ever even imagined him with facial hair, but it definitely suits him.
I left this town knowing Sam Turner, the boy. I came back to Sam Turner, the man.
I smile as Lily continues to squeak and chug her milk, and though I know it’ll result in a tummy ache an hour from now, I let her eat quickly, because she’s obviously hungry.
I let out a yawn and stretch my face wide. Lily slept better last night, up and down fairly easily every three hours, but I barely slept a wink. Outside traffic is loud in this hotel. The main street is close, and this place was almost full last night. I spent my night anxious about all the noise waking Lily. I spent my awake time trying not to picture Sam, then an adrenaline rush would fire through my system and further wake me every time I failed.
He’s wearing a nose ring now, something else I never could have imagined about him. Tattoos wound their way along the exposed skin of his forearms, and those same leather bands on his wrists from high school had my stomach clenching. He’s so much the same as I remember, and yet, so different.
I didn’t come here expecting any miracles. I didn’t come looking for a passionate reunion, or even easy friendship. I came here for Lily, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep her with me.
Naively, I was hopeful that that same gooey eyed boy from school would greet me at the door. The Sam I remember would never have dismissed me the way he did. But with an arctic glare, I realized immediately I was facing a stranger. In another life, another world, his mean and piercing eyes would have sent me running for the hills. Hell, it took three years of gooey eyed Sam to get a yes, so this new and cold man wouldn’t have had a chance of winning over scared teenaged me. But I’m not that girl anymore, and Lily is too important. So I’m pulling up my big girl panties and trudging forward.
Lily finishes every last drop of formula in her bottle and pushes it out with her tongue, so I set it aside and lift her up over my shoulder. Instant bubbles of gas rush to the surface, but I pat and wait for the big one. There’s always the big one, and until she gets it up, she’s a spew machine and screamer of epic proportions.
Another yawn takes control of my body and my stomach grumbles with hunger. I lean back in my chair and peek through the curtains to the road. It’s still mostly dark out. The streetlights are on and shimmer in the moisture in the air. The snow has stuck to the grass and sidewalks, but at least it’s not falling anymore.
“Is it time for my breakfast now?”
Lily yawns in response, which forces me to yawn, creating a pathetic yawning circle that I need to break now before I fall back to sleep. I pat her back again and again until I finally hear that coveted man-sized belch, then I stand up and place her on my bed.
“We’re gonna get dressed, Lil, then I need coffee.” I look around my utilitarian hotel room and sigh at the lack of amenities. “Lots and lots of coffee.” I pull my jeans on, then an extra thick sweater on top. I tie my long hair up in a high ponytail that I’ll no doubt pull out by the end of the day or risk a headache. I tuck my jeans into socks and pull knee high boots on over top, then packing a diaper bag with everything I think I’ll need today, I lay Lily in the carseat and clip her in. “We’re close to Main street, so what do you say we go for a walk?”
I pull a beanie low over my ears as shivers run through my body. Nervous butterflies flutter in my belly as we step outside and my breath comes out in foggy wisps. I haven’t set foot in this town in a very long time, but the main street still looks almost exactly the same. The shops and brick buildings are the same; some just have new signage in the windows.
I walk past a newer building with a photography studio tucked inside, then gulp anxiously as I spot the offices my daddy used to own. ‘Montgomery Law’ signage sits prominently in the windows now, which helps ease my nerves. Frederick Ricardo is no longer here, and he can’t interfere in my life anymore.
I don’t stop yet. It’s still early and they’re hours away from opening, so I keep moving and push Lily’s stroller ahead of me. I inhale the warm scent of fresh bread and coffee as I wander past the bakery and continue on my self-guided tour. The main street stretches six blocks, with the final block transforming from shops to industrial buildings, and Sam’s apartment is up that end, so I stop at the end of the fifth block and turn around again.
I’ll be seeing him again today. And tomorrow. And every day forever until I get what I need. But not right now. Not in the dark and cold before I’ve had time to prepare. I push Lily’s stroller and smile as her eyes grow heavy. I pull the hood up on her seat to block the orange glare of the streetlights, and I pat her blanket down tight because she likes to be snug.
I’d hoped to find a diner of sorts, or even to find Dixie’s had transformed into more of a restaurant like she always planned, but as we meander past, I look in the windows to find it’s still just an ice-cream parlor. Shame. A cooked breakfast would have been nice, but any breakfast, and especially coffee, is good enough. I continue walking back down the south end of Main, humming under my breath a song I forgot I knew, and though I’m surprised it doesn’t hurt to remember, I embrace my newfound power and smile as we walk.
I have a lot of business to take care of while we’re here, but life isn’t all bad. Lily and I are okay, and it’s not like the state is clamoring to split us. They want us to be together, I just have to ‘tie up my loose ends.’
Juggling the stroller and pulling open the heavy glass door of the local bakery, I bump it open with my ass and shimmy us out of the cold and into the deliciously warm scented air of croissants and coffee. The stroller’s rubber wheels squeak on the clean floors, and I grunt and maneuver us in.
A large hand takes the weight of the door and I almost fall inside the store. “Here, let me help you,” he says kindly, holding the door wide and stepping back so we can squeeze in.
I pull my hat off and toss it onto Lily’s hood, then turning with a smile, the words ‘thank you’ freeze on my tongue. My eyes meet his and his smile freezes too. I can’t even be totally sure I’m seeing who I think I’m seeing, and if it wasn’t for his face turning a ghostly white, or his Adams apple bobbing nervously, I could almost brush it away as a doppelganger. But I can’t brush it away, and his big pouty lips and dark eyes and thick brows won’t let him brush it away either.
“Soda?”
A nervous cough catches in my throat. “I haven’t been called that in a very long ti--”
“Thirteen years,” he interrupts coldly. “Thirteen years since you vanished on us.”
I take a deep breath and bite my bottom lip. He’s mad. Just like Sam was last night. I look Angelo up and down, from his dirty and scarred work boots, up long legs covered with stained jeans. Over large hands that are stained black under his fingernails, then to hair that’s tied up in a bun at the back of his head and has wispy bits falling from the tie already, despite the fact it’s so early in the morning. Once upon a time, had we been separated for a while and reunited, he probably would have taken me in a quick hug. Purely platonic, but oh so comforting. But not today. And despite the fact I haven’t been hugged by him in more than a decade, it almost feels like it was only yesterday, so my heart hurts that he doesn’t automatically step forward.
“Hey Ang. You look so grown up.”
He continues to frown, and he looks me up and down. “Scotch know you’re here?”
My heart thuds to an instant standstill, almost winding me from the sudden stop. “Scotch?”
Angelo watches me like a hawk. He always was an observer, and I always thanked my lucky stars he liked me. I wasn’t the enemy, so he was always watching out for me, not watching me with suspicion. Until today. “Yeah, Scotch. You remember him, right?”
Angelo’s sarcastic remark doesn’t hurt like he probably expected. I’m still stuck on Scotch. “Sam still goes by that name?”
He continues to stare at me for a long minute, biting his tongue and considering me. Eventually, he nods quickly. “I literally don’t think anyone even remembers his real name anymore. He’s gone by Scotch since… well… you know.”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I know.”
I jiggle the stroller when Lily starts making a whiny mewing sound, and the instant the movement begins, she resettles, but my actions have Angelo’s eyes snapping to her in accusation. “Wow… Congratulations, huh?”
I look back to her, then to him. “Yeah, sorta, I guess… not exactly.”
He chuckles in exactly the same way I remember from so long ago. “That sounds really complicated.”
“It is a little bit.”
“Are you married?”
“To someone other than Sam, you mean? No.”
Angelo’s eyes flash quickly; humor, approval, more suspicion. “It’s been a long time, Soda. Why are you back now?”
“I have to talk to him.”
“Are you here to break his heart… again?”
His jab lands perfectly. So perfectly, I actually rest my hand over my jumping stomach. “It’s not like that anymore. It’s been too long. I don’t have the power to hurt him anymore.”
Angelo looks around the small bakery, then lifting his to-go coffee and pastry between us, he nods back toward the door. “Wanna sit for a bit? Catch up.”
“You’re screening me before I see Sam?”
He laughs. “Pretty much. I’ll wait outside.”
He doesn’t give me an option, just reopens the heavy door and strolls out.
I order my own coffee and breakfast, then five minutes later, Angelo jumps up from the metal table and chairs on the sidewalk out front, holds the door with one hand, takes my coffee with the other, and we do the awkward stroller shuffle again.
He sets my coffee down in front of me as soon as I sit, then dropping back into his own chair, he sips his coffee and stares. “You do still have that power, Soda. By the way.”
I frown and sip. “Huh?”
“The power to hurt him.”
“I don’t--”
“You always thought he was like your Superman. Like he could fix anything.”
“Yea--”
“Superman has kryptonite.”
“Ang--”
“You’re his kryptonite, Soda.”
“Can you stop calling me Soda?”
He frowns. “Why? It’s your name.”
“No. My name is Sammy.”
“Sammy?”
“Samantha!”
His eyes flash. “I thought you hated that name? I thought you begged him to never call you that?”
My heart thuds painfully as memories batter at me. “He told you that?”
“Yeah… He told us just about everything. He told us how you hated that name because your mom called you Samantha, and you hated it because she was always so horrible.”
“Well--”
“He also told us how you left with them… You dumped his ass and went with them. So maybe you’ve adapted to being called Samantha… But hey, what do I know? I’m just a lowly mechanic. Not a smarty pants like you lot.”
He’s trying to hurt me. He’s shooting round after round, and he’s hitting me square on with every shot. “I didn’t go with them.”
His brows snap together. “Come again?”
“I went with them at first, I got them away from here. But then I left again. In however many days since I last saw you guys, well, it’s been that long, give or take a couple days, since I’ve seen my folks.”
“You didn’t go with them?”
“Not in the end, no.”
“So why didn’t you come back to him?!” he booms.
Lily screeches in the stroller, startled from his shout and jumping in fright. Ang looks in her direction, and though he looks apologetic for a beat, he doesn’t say anything. He’s pissed.
I reach back and unclip the straps holding her in, then standing and turning, I grab Lily and hold her against my chest. I pat her back and bounce her in an attempt to calm her cries.
Angelo’s hands run through his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry, Sammy.”
“It’s okay. You just scared her, but she’s okay.”
He grits his teeth remorsefully. “What’s her name?”
I smile as she quiets and snuggles against my chest. “Lily.”
“She’s really small.”
“She was born really early. So she’s still catching up.”
“How early?”
“Three months. We’ve only just come out of hospital recently.”
“You guys are okay?” He looks around the street. “Where’s her daddy?”
“Her folks aren’t around. They died about three months ago.”
I watch as his eyes narrow. He’s lost, and he’s trying to figure it out. “I don’t get it.”
“She’s not mine… biologically.”
A kind of relief washes over his face, but he’s still curious. “What’s that noise?”
I smile again. “The squeaking? That’s her laryngomalacia.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Floppy airway, basically.”
“She’s alright? Healthy?”
I nod softly and continue to pat her bottom. “Yeah, she’s perfect. There’s so much for you to know about her, Angelo. She’s special.”
Finally, his lips turn up in a small smile. “You sticking around?”
“I’m not sure what I’m doing yet, but I need to talk to Sam.”
“Let me know before you go over. Maybe I can smooth the way.”
I laugh loud enough to startle Lily again. That ship already sailed. “I already went and saw him. It didn’t go so well.”
“You already saw him?” Ang’s eyes flare wide with surprise. “Jesus. When? What happened?” He pauses for a long beat. “Is he okay?”
I nod softly. “Last night. He kicked me out, and he had female company over, so I’m sure he’s fine.”
“Oh shit,” he murmurs. “You met Nancy?”
“That’s her name? Blonde hair, fake tits, ugly scowl?” When he nods, I continue, “Yup, met her.”
“Oh my god,” he grumbles. “Of all the nights in thirteen years, you decide last night was a good time to drop in.”
I don’t know if he’s talking to me, or just letting off steam, but I shrug in answer anyway. “Shitty timing, I guess. Story of my life.”
Angelo’s head is bowed low, but his eyes come up to look at me through his long lashes. “I have to go, okay?” He picks up his coffee and chugs the last mouthful, then stands and pats his pockets. “Don’t disappear again, yeah? I won’t keep you here, but give a guy warning before you go. I just want an hour to say goodbye.”
Emotion catches in my throat at his plea. One single hour. I nod and stand with Lily’s small body tucked up against my chest. Angelo steps forward the same way he would when we were young, and leaning down, he hugs me from the side and he peeks at Lily’s smooshed up face. “You’re a pretty baby. Nice to meetcha, Lily. I’m really sorry I scared you.” He leans in intimately close to us and drops a kiss on the side of her cheek. “Don’t let your mama disappear into the night.”