Without You

– Scotch –

Stolen

Three weeks later

It took me three full weeks of searching my house top to bottom before it clicked in my mind and I realized. I didn’t lose my iPod. It was stolen.

And I’m not even mad.

I spend my days working with kids in the program the Rollers and I have been organizing; teaching them how to walk away. How to stand up for themselves. How to stand up for others. How not to get into a fight in the first place. We’re teaching them mental and physical strength. The guys are teaching them formal, graded classes, so on top of physical strength, they’re also being graded and tested on what they learn. They’re learning a martial art and a new language in the process, and they’re thriving on the stability and predictability that weekly classes are giving them.

I’m in the Roller gym at least five days a week, and even the teasing and torment I get from them is a reprieve from the loneliness when I go home.

Alone.

Again.

I’m a thirty-two year old man who is still in love with a girl he met when he was fourteen, and closure or not, I just can’t fucking shake her.

“Hey, liven up.” Jack walks into his kitchen and taps me on the back of the head. “She’s coming in.”

I sit up straighter and wipe my hands over my face in an attempt to look less… down in front of Britt. She won’t let up. Sammy and I are apart, but similarly to how I got what I wanted and still ended up miserable, the same can be said for Britt. I can’t shake the constant thoughts of Sammy, which makes me a miserable bastard, which is exactly what Britt didn’t want.

“Morning.”

I smile and pick up my coffee mug. “Morning, Brat. Sleep well?”

“Yup, you?”

Nope. “Yup. Sorry I crashed on your couch last night. That movie beat me, and next thing I knew, I was waking up in the dark.”

Lie. I just didn’t wanna go home. Alone.

“No big deal. You’ve been working hard with the guys. Jack falls asleep in random places too.”

Jack smiles his dimply smile as he pulls my sister against his chest. I look away, because that’s my baby sister and I want to strangle him every time he looks at her. “That’s not true. I’m a virile and energetic young man. I have energy for days.”

Britt giggles like a twit, but I groan. “Can you stop?”

“Sorry,” she laughs. She smacks Jack on the chest, then we all turn and ‘awwww’ when Charlie crawls toward us shakily.

“Jesus. That happened fast.”

Britt bends down and picks him up, hugging him against her chest and kisses his fat cheeks. “It happened way too fast,” she admits. “It feels like it happened overnight. Baby, then crawler, just like that.”

I close my eyes and look away. It’s only been three weeks, so it’s not like Lily grew up overnight and started walking on me, but still. I miss them so much I can feel the ache in my heart, then it spreads like wildfire through my veins until it burns my fingertips and singes my hair.

“What are you up to today?”

I look at my watch for no reason at all, then I shrug my shoulders. “Wanna watch a fight or something?”

Britt’s face scrunches. “I’m sorry. I have a date with the girls today.”

“Which girls?”

“All of them, except Kari’s working all weekend. And not Laine, because she’s hanging with her boyfriend.” Britt rolls her eyes. “Whore’s always with him now.”

I turn to Jack, because I’m pathetic like that. “What are you doing?”

“I gotta go to the gym. I challenged X to a beat down, and now I have to follow through.”

I actually laugh at Jack’s unexpected answer. “Really? He’s coming into the gym to spar with you?”

“Oz said he’d make sure he gets him there. I don’t think X knows yet. But you can come play if you want. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long ass time.”

“What about your arm?”

He shrugs. “Eh. I’ll just not hit him with my left.”

Britt frowns at her husband. “If you break your arm again, I’m gonna be so pissed at you.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“You promised when you fought Bobby that time, too. You both walked away like cripples.”

Jack looks at my sister with a giant grin. “But it was an amazing fight, right?” He turns to me. “That was a good fight.”

I shrug casually. “It was decent.”

“Decent?” Jack scoffs. “You can’t even pay for that kinda entertainment.”

“Rematch any time soon?”

Jack barks out a laugh. “Bobby said no rematch. He won’t give me the opportunity to take another swing. He’s getting too old and scared.”

I scoff. “Pussy.”

The front door slams closed and Bobby comes striding into the kitchen. He punches me on the shoulder so hard, the chair almost collapses underneath me. “I heard that, asshole.”

I massage circles into my shoulder. “That hurt, jackass.”

“So, don’t come here expecting to play with the big boys then cry when you get hit.”

I can’t even challenge him to a fight, because he’s more than fifty or sixty pounds heavier than me, and he’s been fighting since he could walk. I’ve been busy running around lakes and playing guitar. I have no chance.

“Are you coming to the gym?” Jack asks him. “X is stepping up.”

Bobby turns from his perusal of the fridge and smiles. “No shit?”

“True. Oz said he’ll make it happen. X has been pissing him off lately, so he asked me to help him out.”

“What about his shoulder?”

“Looks like we’ll both be one arm down. Reminds me of old times, B.”

Bobby grins. “That was a good fuckin’ fight. We should do that again.” He turns back to the fridge and continues to look around, then turning back, he frowns. “Where’s the syrup?”

“What syrup?”

“For the pancakes.”

Jack steps up to Bobby, violently shoves him aside and slams the door shut. “Get the fuck outta my fridge and get your own syrup.”

“We ran out.”

“Wanna know how many fucks I have to give?”

Britt rolls her eyes. She walks into the walk-in pantry with Charlie in her arms, then walks out with a fresh bottle. “Here, B.”

Bobby winks teasingly at Jack, then he turns back to my sister and kisses her on the cheek. “Thanks, Britt.” He turns on his heel and walks away. “I’ll see you losers at the gym after breakfast. If you survive X, I’ll step up next.”

***

A few hours later, I wipe hair from my face as sweat drips into my eyes and stings my split lip. Jimmy Kincaid is a cheap fighter, and just because we’re the same weight division, he feels like he’s allowed to pop me in the face and get away with it.

“Let’s go,” he taunts. “Stand up straight. Move around.”

“Fuck you. I don’t do this. I’m not a fighter.”

“You are today.” Jimmy spins on his heel, ducking low then sweeping my feet out from beneath me. I slam onto the matted floor as my breath bursts from my lungs and my ribs rattle together.

He laughs and stands over me. “Get up. Your mama shoulda taught you this when you were two.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

He holds his hand out to me until I take it, but just as he pulls me halfway up, he drops me and I land with another floor-shaking thump. His keen eyes snap up. “Nope!”

My eyes follow his gaze until I find Jim’s ten-year-old daughter, his thirteen-year-old niece, and Mac sneaking along the far wall in an effort to escape. “You girls walk out that door with him and you’re grounded until you graduate.”

Bean spins quickly, pressing her hand to her chest in fright. “Daddy–”

“College, not high school.”

She stomps her foot stubbornly. “Daddy!”

“Nope. Get over here. Now. Uncle Scotch needs a sparring partner. Smalls, I catch you alone with Mac again, and you’ll be in big shit.”

“Uncle Jimmy--”

“Don’t test me, girl.” Jimmy grabs my hand and pulls me to standing, then turning on the spot, he shouts “Biggie!” so loud everyone in the room stops to look.

“Ugh.” Evie ‘Smalls’ Kincaid grunts. Her tight ringlets bounce over her eyes as she murders her uncle with a glare, but then Aiden steps into the room curiously, and her murderous glare turns sugary sweet. She steps under his arm and hugs him. “Hey Biggie.”

He smiles and drops a kiss on the top of her head. “What’s up?”

“Your little angel was just sneaking out with boys, Aido. Tighten up your ship.”

Aiden turns his glare on his demon daughter, then he points back in the direction he just came from. “Move your ass.”

Evie’s attempt at innocence is lost instantly. “Biggie! He’s just my friend!”

“Wanna know how many shits I have to give, Evelyn? No boys until you’re thirty.”

“You put me in a gym full of fighters, but you expect me not to talk to boys? Newsflash, dummy. Almost every person I ever speak to is a boy.”

“Yeah, dummy, and they’re all related to you. Talk to your cousins. That’s all the company you need. Now get.”

Evie turns back and glares venomously at Jimmy, then she stomps out of the room with a huff. Aiden lifts his chin to Jim in thanks, then he turns to Mac, forcing him up against the wall with his glare alone. “Don’t talk to my daughter again.”

“We’re just friends, Aide– sir.”

“Anything you do to my baby, I do to you. Remember that next time you try to make friends with any girl with the last name Kincaid.”

Mac swallows deeply, and I cough out a laugh at the usually foul-mouthed daredevil finally being spooked. “Yes sir.”

I lick my split lip and lay back on the mats as the room clears of Rollers and their offspring, but my gaze is drawn to the door as it slams open with a dangerous boom. Marc storms in with fury in his eyes. What’s new? He’s always grumpy these days. “Hey. What’s up, Macchio?”

“Loyalty! That’s what!”

I don’t get up. I just fold my hands behind my head. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve spent the last decade and a half hating on Sammy because you’re my brother, and she fucked you over.”

“Okay.”

“I spent the last month and a half treating her like dog shit, because you’re my brother and she hurt you.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, you kinda did. Good looking out, bro.”

“Why didn’t you tell me she had my back?” I frown as X and Oz walk into the large training room behind him. “Why didn’t you tell me she left because she thought she was protecting me?”

“What are you talking about?”

Marc stabs his finger toward the guys. “Tell him what you just told me.”

“About Dad decking old man Ricardo?”

That got my attention. I shoot up from my lazy sprawl on the mats and stand to look at my brother. “Come again?”

“Dad knocked his block off about a year after she left.”

“Why?”

“Ricardo came looking for Sammy. She wasn’t with him and he assumed she came back to you.”

“She didn’t.”

X rolls his eyes. “Obviously. I was there for this train wreck, remember?”

“I was there that day too,” Oz says. “Fuckface Ricardo came into the station looking for his daughter. He bitched about how he got her away from you and it was all for naught because she came back anyway.”

“But she didn’t come back!”

“So, she didn’t come back to you, but she didn’t stay with him either. Where was she?”

“She was in the city,” I murmur. I look up to them. “She told me she left her folks and went to school. She was alone.”

“Old man Ricardo was bitching about how he was gonna take Dad’s job away, because we were ‘harboring his daughter’ – even though we weren’t.”

“He said how he was gonna have you charged, and then the state would have me and Kari removed from your house,” Marc spits out. “How Kari would be thrown into the system and taken away from me.”

I scrub a hand through my hair. “Yeah, she told me all this already.”

“She left because her daddy was gonna have you charged, and yet you got mad at her!” Marc storms closer to me. “She left to protect my sister, and you let me shit on her this last month? What the fuck is the matter with you?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. He couldn’t actually have me charged. The law was on my side.”

“But she didn’t know that! We were kids and she thought she was falling on her sword for us. For me!”

We all look up as the door crashes open again, then Luc and Kari run in with a piece of paper in their hands. Luc’s smile is huge, and Kari’s face is flushed. “She miscarried!”

The knife twists in my belly. “Who did?”

“Soda!”

“Why the hell are you smiling like that while saying those words?”

“Because she didn’t abort!” Luc says loudly. “She didn’t abort. She lost the baby that night.”

Marc turns back to me with unconcealed rage in his eyes. “She miscarried. She lost her baby, she protected us, she was all alone, and we all shit on her!”

He turns on his heels to leave, but I jump forward and grab his shoulder. “Where are you going?”

“To ask Sammy to marry me. Someone needs to step up and do the right thing by that girl.”

“Stop.” I turn and snatch the paper from Luc’s hand. “I don’t even wanna know where you got this.”

“Don’t even ask,” Kari giggles. “We’ll both probably lose our jobs if we answer.”

“And maybe there’d be prison time, too,” Luc adds with a smile. He and Kari share conspiratorial grins, but my hands shake as I read the same sheet of paper that I had access to at our mediator meeting. She already told me this.

“This says spontaneous abortion…”

Luc rolls his eyes. “That’s med talk for miscarriage. She didn’t walk into the hospital that night to abort her baby.”

“But she admitted on the phone that night.”

“What were her words exactly?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I dunno. It was so long ago. Ricardo had just finished telling me he took care of it. Then she said the baby is gone and she’s sorry.”

“‘The baby is gone’ isn’t the same as ‘I aborted,’” Oz points out obviously. “And when your daddy decked hers, he didn’t seem like the kinda guy who got his way with anything.”

“Did Dad really hit him?”

They both nod.

“We saw it,” Oz says. “He came into the station. X and I both still had tags and pleats in our new uniforms. He came in threatening you, threatening your dad, threatening Macchio. Threatening Sammy, even. Your old man smacked him down then went and iced his knuckles. Ricardo bitched about assault, but there wasn’t a single damn cop in that place who knew what he was talking about. We didn’t see a thing.”

“Why didn’t you guys tell me this?”

“Nothing had changed,” X says. “Except Ricardo wasn’t happy. You were deep in the hole. We weren’t gonna bring it up just to remind you.”

“This is why she’s not taking my calls anymore. This is why she signed the divorce papers.”

“Why?”

“Because she already told me last month that she miscarried. She swore she didn’t abort.”

Marc’s face burns angrily. “But…”

I look up at the guys as I officially die inside. “I called her a liar.”

“She didn’t fall from her pedestal! She was thrown, and you stomped on her while she was down.” He turns away and moves toward the doors.

“Marc--”

“I’m going to get me a bride.”

“Marc, stop.”

He turns back with fire in his eyes. “What?”

“She doesn’t wanna see us.”

“So make her! You spent three years asking her out. It’s time to start asking again.”