– Sammy –
Epidemic
Lily and I lie on my living room floor, with my feet up on the couch, and my fingers massaging her tummy. “I didn’t realize I’d be so invested in someone else’s pooping schedule.”
Meg walks out of my kitchen with a smile and two mugs of tea. She was doing the downward dog on my kitchen floor not long ago, so she’s wearing sweatpants that look designer and a hot pink sports bra, allowing her annoyingly toned stomach and belly bar to flash at me.
“I didn’t realize I’d care as much as I do,” she laughs. “But when a kid stays up screaming all night because she has a tummy ache, your squad rallies and we cheer each other on.”
I frown as I look up at her stunning figure and permanently salon styled hair. “Why didn’t you try out for cheer at school?”
She shrugs, slumping down beside my feet and lifting her legs beneath her bottom. “I was a dancer at my old school. Cheer captain, even.” She smiles arrogantly. “Then I moved mid-year and found I’d rather hang with you and the guys and listen to music.” She scrunches her nose as Lily lets out a tiny squeaking fart. “Give me an S. S! Give me an H. H! Give me an I.--”
“Can you stop?”
She laughs and throws her hair over her shoulder. “I’m just doing my bit, Soda. Seems to me you need to get your cheer power on. You’re letting the team down.”
We both look up at the soft knock at my front door. I groan. It’s about that time.
Unfolding her legs, Meg wanders across my tiny living room and peeks through the peep hole. With a broad grin and a quick fluff of her hair, she swings it wide open. “Well hello, handsome.”
My mail man smiles shyly and chuckles awkwardly, then passes Meg a small envelope and an iPad to sign. She scribbles on the screen and passes it back to the painfully bashful man, then she snickers and closes the door. “He’s adorable.”
“Men don’t wanna be described as adorable, Snitch. They wanna be manly and sexy and awesome. Not adorable.”
“He’s not quite what I’m looking for in a man, but I sure like to make him blush.”
I roll my eyes. “Every shy man’s dream. To crush on the hot chick, only so she can tease and embarrass him. Plus, you’re married.”
Meg huffs. “I am, which is why the mailman may as well get over his crush. But it’s still fun to wink at him.” She tosses the envelope onto my belly, and picking it up, I sigh.
“Whatcha got?”
I peel the envelope open and let the contents fall out. I run my finger over the plain disk except for the simple ‘#43’ handwritten on the top.
“A song.” I look up at Meg as Lily continues to strain and grunt. “He’s sending me songs.”
“That CD says number forty-three…”
I bite the inside of my cheek and run my finger over the black marker. “This is the forty-third disk he’s sent since I left.”
“He’s writing a new song every single day?” She whistles through her teeth. “You still have a teddy bear. I haven’t seen my man in six nights. I doubt he even noticed I’m gone.”
“They’re not all new songs. Some I already know. Some are from when we were kids. Some are for Lil. The rest are new.”
“I can’t believe he’s still trying.”
I can. I’ve been here before. He did it for three years once… he’s only just begun. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Did you get a court date yet?”
Lily farts, and I smile. “Yup. On the twenty-third. Juliette said we’re going forward. Sam’s playing hardball. I don’t have a lot of options right now, so we forge ahead like everything is right on track.”
“Did you talk to him?”
I scoff. “No, I didn’t talk to him. I’m making a new habit of ignoring his calls. Juliette just said we’re sticking to the plan.”
Meg leans forward and snatches a still straining Lily. Settling her on top of her knees, she starts cycling Lil’s newly chunky legs. “Does he call often?”
I reach across and pick up my cell, and turning the screen on, I show her.
“Seven missed calls.” She tsks and continues to move Lily’s legs. “That’s not so bad. The guy I remember was much more persistent.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Seven missed calls… in the last two hours. He averages a couple dozen a day and leaves a message every single time. I’ve had to change my voicemail to ‘I’m fine, Sam,’ because he said that he’s worried about me.”
“Awww. That’s adorable,” she chuckles. “What does he say in his messages?”
I shrug. “He’s sorry. He misses Lil. He’s thinking of us. That sort of stuff.”
“How many times will you say no before you give him the yes?” She smirks. “We all know it’s coming.”
I slump against the couch. “It’s not coming. Too much time has passed.”
“It’s only been three weeks!”
I roll my eyes. “It’s been a hell of a lot longer than that. He thought I aborted, and when I denied, he called me a liar.”
Meg looks down at me pityingly. “I bet he’s sorry he said that. I bet he’s sorry he lied.”
My heart tumbles in my chest. “He said that in his messages too.”
“So you’re just gonna ignore all his calls. Live your life the way you are now?”
I shrug softly, because I just don’t have an answer for her. I don’t enjoy being unable to breathe. I don’t love being in love and having it hurt the way it does. Sam delivered on that promise, at least. There would be no other men for me.
I reach out and take my tea to have something to do with my hands and mouth, but my phone begins vibrating again and I clamp my eyes shut. Without even looking at the screen, we both know who it is. I can feel him right there. He’s so close, but he may as well be a million miles away.
Meg and I watch it buzz, buzz, buzz, then finally, it silences and I let out a breath. Every single time he does this, I find myself freezing. He takes my breath away, and not in the good way. But in the way that I feel dizzy and nausea and dread fill my belly.
What feels like an eternity later, my cell buzzes again and the message icon pops up. Voicemail.
“There’s no way in hell you don’t wanna know what he just said.”
I purse my lips and glare at my cell, but it simply lies there innocuously.
With a hesitant huff, I dial voicemail, but I don’t put the phone on speaker. I want to hear his voice. I covet his messages. I’m just not brave enough to answer them. I press the phone to my ear and let his beautiful voice wrap me up like it used to when I was in high school.
“Hey, Ricci. That’s four-hundred and three no’s. You’re getting good at this.” He takes a deep breath, but it sounds like he’s smiling. “Everyone is busy doing their own shit today, so I’m sitting on your bed while I write. My spare room still smells like you, but the pillow on my bed smells like me again…” He chuckles softly, strumming his guitar in the background. “Do you remember way back when we first got married, and fame, fortune, international vacations, all of that crap – none of that stuff was on our list of wants. Do you remember what was?” He pauses, as though waiting for my answer. “To sleep in the same bed at night. We didn’t need money for that. We didn’t need anything but you and me.”
I let out a deep sigh as he repeatedly breaks my hurt, patches it back together, then smashes it apart again. Oh, Sam.
“I got that for a few hours last month, Ricci. I got to nap with your hair in my nose, and in my mind, I told you I loved you. But unlike high school, I wasn’t brave enough to say it out loud…” He strums his guitar a little louder, as though he’s taking a moment to collect himself. “Ah, anyway. I’d like to claim a parental visit soon. I wrote another song, and I wanted to tell her some news. I sold that other song to some big people. Lily has a nice fat piggybank now, and she’ll get monthly royalties every time they sell an album. It’ll all go to trust, and you’re in charge until she’s old enough. But don’t freak out. I’m not buying her affections. Or yours. It literally took me ten minutes to write that song. She was my inspiration, so I figure it’s hers… It was that song you said you liked, remember? I said it was for a pretty girl named Rosie… I was being a jerk that day. It was just for my Rose, who just so happens to be your Lily… I hope she’s doing well. Call me anytime if you need help, or if she’s sad. Or maybe if she has gas and can’t get it out, maybe I could help.”
I look over as Meg continues to cycle Lily’s legs, and though she stares straight ahead, I know she’s straining to listen to Sam’s voice.
“Anyway. I know the drill. I know the timer on your voicemail now, and I know I have about ten seconds before I’m cut off. So, I’ll finish this one by saying I love you.” His voice speeds up as he speaks. “Remember that thing I said to Joseph the mediator? That was true. I’ll call again a little later. And no. Tell Juliette to back off. I’m not divorcing youloveyoubye.” Beep.
I look at my screen for a long time, then throwing it to the table, I sigh.
“You’re breaking my damn heart, Sammy. Are you kidding me right now?”
I turn to Meg. “What?”
“Four-hundred and three no’s? Really?”
I shrug my shoulders miserably. “I didn’t actually say no.”
“You’re just not taking his calls. What the hell is the matter with you?”
I shrug my shoulders again, but I know the answer to her question. I’m enjoying having high school Sam speak to me again, and I’m scared that if I take his call or see him face to face, it might break the spell. I’m not willing to give him up now that I’ve found the real Sam again. I’m scared to jinx it.
Meg rolls her eyes at my non-answer, then goes back to cycling Lily’s legs. “Eight days until we make this shit official, Lil. Give me an S. S!”