28. Chapter 28
Chapter 28
Lilli
It’s a blur after that. I go to school and come home, existing in a weird haze of numbness. By Sunday morning, I’ve retreated so far into myself that I barely notice when Mercy comes in and sits on my bed.
I’ve just finished pulling my hair back into a bun and I turn around when she says, “Are you okay, Lil?”
My heart thumps but I push that shit back into a box and nod. “I’m fine, Mercy Lou Lou. Ready?”
She eyes me doubtfully, but nods and I turn toward the door as she says, “Are you staying this time?”
Pausing at the door, I look back at her heart shaped face. Her brilliant red hair is pulled back in a series of braids. She blinks her piercing blue eyes, and I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I-I don’t know. I think so,” I say, and she cocks her head.
“It’s dark where you are Lil, I don’t like it.”
Crossing to her, I wrap my arm around her shoulder. “I’m okay Mercy. I promise.”
She shakes her head and pulls away. At the door, she says softly, “You’re not okay.”
With that she heads toward the living room while I follow, joining Rachel where she stands, biting her nails.
As soon as Mama appears, Rachel drops her hand, hiding her fingers behind her back and we stand like cattle in an auction while Mama critiques our clothes and hair.
“Mercy, hat,” she says and Mercy leaves to retrieve it.
Seemingly satisfied with my outfit, she turns to Rachel and frowns, “No cake. You’re too damn chubby as it is.”
I clench my hand between the folds of my skirt and avert my gaze. What Mama fails to understand is that Rachel isn’t overweight. She’s growing into a woman with curves. If you ask me, she’s beautiful, but Mama doesn’t care about biology.
Once Mercy reappears, we head for the car where Daddy is waiting. Mama drones on in the front while the soft sound of Christian music acts as her backup.
We’re quiet in the backseat and I stare out the window as we drive. Mercy’s words pinball around my brain. The first time Mercy mentioned a “feeling” Mama ignored it. At the time it seemed like something a silly child would say.
The second time, Mama tried to talk her out of it and when that didn’t work, she beat her. I don’t know what it means but I suspect at her age, Mercy sees things clearer than the rest of us, blinded by emotions that won’t hit her for a few more years, yet.
In any case, after Mama beat it out of her, Mercy’s night terrors began. Whatever these feelings were, ignoring them only made it worse.
When we roll up to the church, I mentally sigh. I almost think a beating is better than sitting through a sermon because every word that Daddy says is a lie he’s feeding his flock.
We do our normal meet and greet at the door before I sit beside Mama with Rachel next and Mercy at the end. With Miriam in mind, I put a little extra space between Mama and me and silently pray that she’s safe and her pregnancy going well.
I miss her laugh and the way she always managed to make times like these bearable. I suppose in her absence that should be me and with a pang of guilt, I glance at Rachel and Mercy. When Rachel meets my gaze, I muster a weak smile.
She brushes her shoulder against mine and I look down in surprise when she grabs my hand, curling her fingers through mine beneath the fabric of our skirts.
Grateful, I squeeze her hand and hang on tightly as Daddy thunders at the lectern. I’m lost in my thoughts until I hear my name and look up.
“Daughter, please stand,” he says. This is when I remember Mama’s words about making an example of me and dread curls through my system.
With my stomach at my knees, I stand and bow my head. Rachel’s hand falls away and I mourn the loss of her comfort as Daddy says, “You see brothers and sisters, even the worthiest can be tempted by sin.”
I sway and lock my knees as he continues.
“My beloved daughter, blood of my blood allowed temptation into her heart. She drank of the poison. She ate the forbidden fruit. She sinned,” he spits, slamming his hand on the lectern.
From the corner of my eye, I see Mercy flinch, but I can’t turn to her. I can’t comfort her. I can only stand here like a sacrificial, dumb, weak lamb while my father humiliates me.
“We know the ways of the lord. We know the path to redemption,” he says and someone in the back whispers, “Amen.”
“I too have seen the evil that tempts us,” he says. “I’ve lost my oldest daughter to it. She’s a sinner. She’s a whore for the devil.”
My stomach churns and I bite back the bitter retort on my tongue. Just get through this, I keep repeating, hoping it will be over soon.
”However, forgiveness is God's will, brothers, and sisters. My Lillith Anne has returned to her family. She has seen the evils of the world, and she has denied them.”
The congregation stands with a furor and begins to clap. When I look up in surprise, I almost roll my eyes to find Mrs. Noonan with tears on her cheeks.
It sickens me that these people eat this up with so little in the way of free thought. I mean, I’m sure that there's a higher power but if these people really think they’re reaching it here, they’re delusional.
“Come here, Lillith Anne,” Daddy says, and I approach with my heart in my throat. He won’t hit me. Not here, not in front of these people but sometimes, words are so much more powerful than fists.
“Face the good people, daughter. Face them. Show them what a sinner looks like. Show them.”
Raising my chin, I stare blindly into the audience. I don’t want to see their faces. It doesn’t matter if they’re judging or worshipful, it's still wrong.
“You can find the lord, ladies and gentlemen,” Daddy says. He steps around the lectern, and I stiffen.
My eyes lock with those of the sheriff and when he smiles, I shudder. Daddy lays a hand on my shoulder and pushes me to my knees. I drop with a whimper, biting my lip as he says, “May the sin born of the shadowed devil leave your repentant heart.”
What does that mean?
Does he know?
Shoot.
I walk around on eggshells for the next week, but Daddy never says anything and neither does Mama. I slowly start to relax and settle into the routine I’ve followed my whole life although my heart is hardly in it.
On Saturday, I’m back at the market, setting up the soaps to sell once again. When I woke this morning, I raced to the toilet and vomited up the contents of my stomach before forcing myself into clothes and out the door.
My stomach still roils but I’m hoping the chamomile tea I’ve been sipping on will help.
We’re two weeks away from the end of the school year. Although I’d rather skip graduation, Mama has been planning the event for days. This is another opportunity for the reverend and Mrs. Abernathy to show off their success as loving parents.
Gag.
I’m just glad to be done with school although I don’t know where this leads me. Miriam never went to college. She didn't even ask, and I wonder now if it wasn’t because she had already met Duke.
Once when Rachel mentioned school, Mama made no bones about telling us our choice was bible college or nothing. I suppose, if I think about it too clearly, I’ll have to admit that she’s envisioning marrying me off to some devout parishioner who will dutifully follow my father anywhere.
The thought stings my throat, and I bite back a surge of bile as a shadow forms over my head. For a moment, so brief it's like it never happened, joy suffuses my soul, and I look up.
Except it’s not Wolf standing over me. Mustering a wan smile, I open my mouth, but Maddox speaks before I can greet him. “I got a message for you.”
”Okay,” I say. Luckily, Mama wasn’t feeling well today but any one of the people in the booths around us could report back to her.
Clearing my throat, I pick up one of the bars of soap and display it in my palm. “What is it?”
His brows furrow as he glances at the soap before he seems to get it, and he plucks it out of my hand. He grabs a wad of cash from his pocket and drops it on the table. “Look, I don’t know what happened. Ain’t my business, but there’s a thousand dollars there. You want to leave…there’s your chance.”
He stalks away before I can comment, and I watch him go before leaning over and puking into the wastebasket beneath the counter. Once I’ve emptied my wretched stomach, I pocket the money, minus the cost of two bars of soap, and shake my head.
What will Maddox do with two bars of rose-scented soap?
Wolf
It’s been a few weeks since we stormed the Aces’ hiding place and plucked my sister from the chains she was bound with.
As long as I live, I will never forget the way she flinched away from me, assuming I was one of the assholes back to inflict more damage.
If the fuckers weren’t dead, I’d kill them again but far more slowly this time.
Unfortunately, Danny didn’t make it. Since the Aces never got around to mentioning her, I’m still not sure what their goal was, but I suspect it has something to do with the sheriff and her father.
She hasn’t said a damn thing about it but when I offered to take her home to our mother, she refused. Old habits die hard and just because I was the one to find her doesn’t mean all the years of indoctrination go away.
Nope, something else happened but she’s a locked vault on that front.
Instead, I set her up at the cabin with Doc as security. Although I don’t think he was super pleased by the prospect, I know I can trust the fool to do the job. After all, he’s risked his life on many occasions and has always been the one to patch us up.
The man’s practically an institution around here.
Unfortunately, Ice, the Aces MC president still lives, but it’s only a matter of time until he makes a mistake, and we use it against him.
As much as I avoid thinking about Lilli, I’m not completely heartless. I don’t want her to suffer. This is why I sent Maddox to her. Meanwhile, we’ll continue our search for the soon-to-be dead motherfucker.
We’re celebrating our win, and although I’m just as proud of the others, I’m not feeling the atmosphere. My head pounds with every beat of the music.
Especially when I glance at Maddox and his gaze slides away from my face…again. He’s been acting weird since he returned from the Saturday Market.
When Melanie offers me another drink, I wave her off and stand. I’m exhausted, my skull feels like it’s going to explode and I’m hoping a few hours of sleep will resolve the problem.
With Rose safe and sound, maybe I can catch up on the sleep that’s been evading me.
Maddox tips his head as one of the women slides into his lap. I glare at the side of his face before heading inside.
I know there’s something he’s not telling me. Whatever it is, I choose not to know even though the knowledge eats at my desiccated soul.