Wrapped in Winter (Seasons in Montana: Winter)

4. January

Chapter 4

January

W e arrived at the library just in time. I got Lily’s name on the list for school and then we sat together in the reading room, picking out a couple of books that will help her transition to a classroom. We stayed for an impromptu reading of The Mouse Who Wanted a Cookie, but when I noticed Lily getting antsy toward the end of the afternoon, we made our way out to my truck, and I sent a text to my sister, making sure the shop was alright. She assured me all was well, saying we had a little burst of shoppers but nothing she couldn’t handle.

Blossom: The snow is starting to come down harder. Take my niece home and relax.

She’s still so good to me, covering me when I don't deserve it. I know it’s a mindset for me that I need to change. I have people I can rely on now, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to burden them with my needs. But Lily was tired, and it was the best thing for her. We ran a few errands and went home for a quick dinner of spaghetti and meatballs—Lily's favorite—and by seven, she was in her room, fast asleep, and I was able to sit quietly with a glass of wine.

I turn on my electric fireplace and sit facing the windows, watching the snow come down when my phone rings with a text.

Courtney: What are you doing?

Me: Did you hear me turn my fireplace on?

Courtney: You’re not a real Montananite if you don’t have a real fireplace. With wood.

Me: I don’t think that's a real word.

Courtney: Wood? I assure you it is

Me: Did you need something or just trying to be a pain in the ass?

Courtney: I’ll be at your door in two minutes. It’s cold as fuck out here so turn that shitty fireplace up and have the door open

I laugh at her and reply.

Me: Your wish is my command.

I open the door just in time to see the headlights of my best friend’s 4x4 pull in my driveway. Courtney parks and jumps out, running onto my front porch and through the open door I’m standing behind. I close it behind her, leaving the cold outside.

“Lily asleep?” she whispers as she quietly steps out of her boots and shrugs out of her puffy winter jacket.

“Yes, for about twenty minutes now. She’s done for the night. Come on in.”

“Lucky you. Joey never went to bed early. And now with Jack home, he begs to stay up late every night. I think he’s afraid Jack won’t be there in the morning if he goes to sleep.”

Jack used to spend most of his time working and not with his family. It led to Courtney leaving him in New York and taking Joey with her. Jack eventually woke up and came back to Montana for them, winning Courtney back, but they’re still adjusting.

We walk into my kitchen and I pull out the wine bottle, pouring her a glass. “I get that. He’s been without him for so long, he doesn’t want to miss anything.”

“It’s sad too. I don’t want him living with that anxiety thinking dad’s going to leave again.”

“I’ll talk to him and let him know that if his dad even thinks about going away for the weekend, Aunt January will cut his balls off.”

Courtney snickers. “I’m sure that will do the trick.”

We head into the living room where we collapse onto the couch together, sharing a blanket. Courtney has been my best friend since we were kids, and she’s the only one who hasn’t judged me despite me being a complete asshole to her at times. Not long after starting high school, we had a great idea to leave Montana and never look back. We said we wanted more than just a small-town life and needed to see what the world had to offer.

I’ll never forget my dad saying to all of us, ‘Just be happy wherever you end up.’ He was always so supportive of whatever us kids wanted to do and encouraged us to dream big, even when we had no idea what those dreams were. After hearing Courtney and I planning a great escape, he sat me down and we talked.

“January, I know you’re not happy here.”

“It’s not that I’m not happy, Dad, but I'm bored.”

He smiles. “I get that. Small towns can be boring for a kid. But big cities aren’t all they’re made out to be either. I’m not saying you're not ready for that, but you've never been to one. Moving to one would be a big change.”

I shrug. “I’m willing to risk it.”

“Promise me you'll finish high school first, then tour the world. And remember you can always come home. You’re my daughter, I’ll always be here for you, waiting for you to come back with story upon story of the big world.”

I shake my head to clear the memory. Guess you got your way in the end, right, Dad?

I grab the remote and turn up the fireplace. “Funny how you hate this thing but you’re always making sure it’s on when you come over.”

She waves her hand around and takes a sip before placing her glass on the table and facing me. “Tell me what's going on with you. I know something happened.”

I shrug. “And here I thought you missed me. Turns out, you’re just being nosey.”

“I always miss you! You forget, we went four years without living in the same town together. I need to make up for lost time. You’re my best friend, I shouldn’t have to be nosey. Now talk to me. Since the night us girls went out to the Range Bar and Grill, you’ve been off. Don’t think I didn't notice you disappeared for a short time.” She gives me a knowing look.

“Nothing happened.”

“January Nilsson, you stop lying right this instant!”

“Your mom voice doesn't work on me. I’m a mom too,” I remind her.

She snuggles up to me, practically climbing into my lap, and wraps her arms around me. “What are you doing?”

“I’m softening you up. I’m your bestie. Now, tell your bestie everything.”

I laugh at her and she snickers as I roll her to the side of me.

“Ok I’ll tell you but plea–”

“If you even finish that sentence, we’re no longer friends. You know I keep everything you say closed up like a vault.”

I nod. “I know.” I sigh and think about how to deliver the news. There’s no good way, so I just say it.

“IhadsexinthemensbathroomattheRange.” I rush the words from my lips then sit quietly. Courtney doesn’t say anything, and when I look at her, her eyes are wide.

“With a man?”

“Yes with a man!”

She giggles. “Girl, you’re my hero.”

“Stop it. You can have sex in the bathroom anytime you want.”

She bursts out laughing. “You’re right. I can. And so can you.”

I groan and let my head fall back on the couch. “Can I?”

“Yes!” she yells. “Why are you beating yourself up?”

“You know why.”

“January. I don't know why I have to keep saying this to you. You’re allowed to live.” I drop my eyes from her and she pushes at my chin, tilting my head up. “I’m going to say something, and you can get mad if you want, but I'm going to say it anyway.”

“Say it.”

“It's up to you to teach your daughter what a healthy relationship is. I know she’s young, but it starts now. You closing yourself off to everyone is not good. And I'm not just talking about men. I’m talking about family too.”

“Damn, kick a girl when she’s down, huh?”

She reaches for our wine glasses and hands me mine, tilting it to my lips to encourage me to drink. “I know things are still strained with Lief. And honestly, he’s a man, so you're going to have to make the first move here.”

“My brother is more stubborn than me.” I take a bigger sip from my glass than necessary.

It wasn't long after Courtney, Jack, and I left Montana that Lief followed us to New York City. I loved that he was there with me. It felt like I could do anything; I could start over and still have my family. Some of them anyway. My sisters were in high school still, but I even had dreams of them coming to live there too. But Lief didn’t like the crowd I found, especially Sean, my boyfriend. Those two had animosity despite barely speaking to each other. Bits and pieces of what he heard from others left Lief thinking Sean was too controlling of my time, and he soon became sick of me defending Sean. And in turn, whenever I would make excuses for my brother, Sean accused Lief of trying to run my life. When Lief eventually said he was going back to Montana to take care of our family, he expected me to come too. I refused, and it caused a big rift between us. We didn’t speak again for some time.

Courtney snickers. “I won’t dispute that but,” she softens her voice, “he went through it too. You two, being the oldest, have to come together and make the decisions for everyone. I know it sucks having to parent your parent and parent your siblings, but they look to you for wisdom.”

“I have no wisdom.”

For years I didn’t allow myself to feel… anything . I forced down angry emotions about having to step up after Dad was gone. I pushed aside guilty feelings over having to bury my daughter's father before she ever met him. I don’t know sadness because I’ve ignored it for too long. But nothing stops the past words and conversations that constantly filter through my mind, reminding me of what I’ve lost, the people I’ve hurt, and all my bad decisions.

“I can’t believe you’re going to abandon us.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Lief. You’re the oldest, and you’re in charge. Figure it out.”

“I don’t know how to figure it out, January. I need help.”

“Blossom and Meadow can help. Mom has run the store before, she knows.”

“They don't know,” he bites out through gritted teeth. “That's why Dad did everything.”

I know Dad did everything. And now Dad’s gone.

“I can’t stay here, Lief. Not right now.”

“You’re so selfish.”

But being back here again and having to face the hole in our family, and my own little one, keeps those feelings stirring beneath the surface. And I don’t like it. I never properly mourned for either of them because there was no time to do so, and if I allowed it to happen later, I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself out of that darkness.

Mom and my sisters never argued with me about leaving. They knew it was my way of dealing with Dad’s death. His dying cemented the plan Courtney and I had to leave this small town, find a new life. But when Lief finally reached out about the store, that’s when I knew something had to change. He’s still mad at me, I know it, and we walk a thin line around each other, especially when it’s just the two of us. We’ve gotten pretty good at keeping up appearances when we have to though.

I do what has to be done each day. I go through the motions because I don’t have a choice.

But I experienced something with the bar guy that left me feeling out of control. He’s the first guy that sparked any kind of interest since losing Sean. And what a way to break into the dating world again, if I can even call it that. There’s no one for four years, and then I break that cycle in the bathroom.

“Can I tell you something else?”

“What’s with the questions? You’ve never tiptoed around me!”

“I’m worried about you,” she says quietly.

“Court, don’t?—”

“You're my best friend. I'm allowed to worry. I’m also allowed to want the best for you. I could say you banging that guy in the bathroom was you having a breakdown, but honestly, I think it's great. You need excitement, you need life to happen to you. I think doing that was what you needed. You need to let yourself feel something. Feel rage, feel anger, feel horny.” I laugh at her. “Just feel!”

She gets me; she sees me in a way no one else does. “You’re right. It’s the first time I let my heart lead me in three years, rather than just relying on my brain.”

“Just three years?”

“Longer than three years. I feel like my life is split in stages. Like a book, where each chapter is another trauma but nothing blends together. There's no seamless move onto the next, you know? Just abrupt ends and different words.”

“I understand. I was there with you, January. I saw it too. But this can be a new start for you. Another chapter.”

“The one where she fucks a stranger in the bathroom.” I laugh.

“Sure, if we want to be specific.”

“How about the one where it wasn’t half bad?”

She laughs. “So what's his name?”

“I haven’t a clue.”

“January!”

I groan and cover my face. “I know! It’s so bad. This isn’t me!”

“It’s okay, you're finding a new you. You're not who you were at eighteen, twenty-six, or even two years ago. Find who you are now and go with it. But in order for your daughter to know happiness, her momma needs to know it first.” She grins. “And if happiness is found in the bathroom stall, I say go for it.”

I smack her leg. “Don’t say that!” I sigh and pick at the blanket on my lap. “I ran into him at the bakery this morning.”

“You’re kidding! What happened?”

“Nothing. I ran.”

“Oh, January.”

“I didn't know what to do. I didn’t think I'd ever see him again. And then my sister was at the shop going on and on about the new delivery guy. It was just too much. Lily and I left for the library and then we came home.”

“Well, you know he must live in town. I’m sure you’ll run into him again.”

I gulp down the rest of my wine, swallowing hard. My body says I hope I run into him, but my mind is throwing up every red flag I can think of.

You're not lovable.

You’re not fun.

You’ve got too much baggage.

Keep repeating it and keep that wall built high.