Wrapped in Winter (Seasons in Montana: Winter)

10. January

Chapter 10

January

“ D o you know what you need to do, January?”

“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” I roll my eyes at Blossom as I braid my daughter's hair. Courtney, Meadow, and Blossom brought pizza over, and we’ve been relaxing after a long week. I’m too tired to clean my house, but they don’t care.

“You need to go out again. It’s been too long since we all went out.”

“Eight weeks, but who’s counting?” I grumble.

I’m back to living my life chapter by chapter again. It's as if I’m turning the page to a completely different book with each new day. When Drake dropped me off last weekend after the second hottest kiss of my life—the first being the teasing, biting one he gave me in the bathroom—I found myself picturing life dating again. But I didn't want to date just to date. I found myself picturing many dates with one person.

Specifically Drake.

I don’t know what it is about him that makes me rethink things, but I found it very easy to talk with him. I’ve placed myself on a level where men are not something I want to deal with. I don’t want to start over, have small talk, learn new things, and try to change the way I do things for someone else. No, it’s Lily and me, and we have a routine. She comes with me to the shop, then we usually hit up the bakery and go to the library for a bit. She needs socialization before beginning preschool, and it’s also a good chance for me to spend time helping her learn.

Just the thought of having to make someone else feel good is exhausting. All my energy is put into making Lily feel good. I don't have it in me to cater to another.

But Drake? He makes me feel good. He makes things feel easy. We’ve texted almost daily since our date, and we’ve chatted a bit at the store when he’s dropping off deliveries, and it’s all just so easy. I find myself actually relaxing a bit around him. Feeling like I’m not being watched or judged for things I’ve done.

Coming back to Montana was the right thing to do, but I feel different. It's as if I can’t be seen having fun or enjoying life. As if I should mourn forever. If only they knew I've yet to mourn at all.

“And how long was it before then? Years, January, years.” She drawls out the words as if I don’t know. “You're home again, you're surrounded by family and friends. You deserve to go out and have a little break. I know you had a good time with Drake, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You should have more good times with him,” Blossom nudges me and wags her brows.

The four of us siblings are each separated by two years in age, but I feel years older than them. Maybe it’s just being a mother that makes me feel like I’m decades older. They have their own lives, and I don't want to depend on our Mom, and I feel bad for sticking my sisters with babysitting duty. They didn’t choose to have a baby, so why should I make them help out? It’s not fair. And being surrounded by family and friends feels different now.

“You should ask Lief to babysit so we can go out.”

“Uncle Lief!” my daughter cheers, and it makes me laugh.

“Is he your favorite uncle?” She nods her head emphatically. “Don’t tell Uncle Jack!” I snicker as Courtney flips me off.

“Momma, can we go to the nail shop tomorrow?”

My daughter is such a girly girl. She loves to get her nails done and be doted on. I’m probably raising a princess, but I love the time it gives us together. Knowing I need to be both Mom and Dad, I make it a point to do special things with her. I think she’s too young to know she’s missing something, but once she’s in school, it’s going to become apparent. And I’m afraid of those questions. So I try to build our bond tighter every day.

“We sure can!”

She jumps in her spot in front of me. “Yay! I want pink nails!”

I smile. “Me too, can we get the same color?”

She places her hands on my cheeks smushing my face together and leaning in. “Oh yes!”

I laugh at her dramatics as she falls into my lap. I address the girls again. “If Lief knew I was going to the bar, he would absolutely not babysit.”

“I bet he would; he’s got nothing else to do,” Courtney responds.

“Come on, let's go down to the Range. I’m sure Meadow has a boy or three to irritate down there.” Blossom instigates.

Meadow is nothing but a tease and those poor boys she leaves in her path don’t even know what’s coming for them. As if she was summoned by her name, she comes dancing through the room with a beer in hand, spinning as she goes, singing a song about being tipsy at a bar.

“I’ll go, I’m always up for a good time.” She freezes in her spot and points at me. “But you cannot go out like that, January.”

I looked down at my clothes. “What’s wrong with what I have on?”

“You look frumpy, and nobody is going to talk to you like that.”

“What’s fumpy?” Lily asks.

“ Frumpy means old and boring, like your momma.” She looks at me. “It’s shocking you even had a date.”

“A date? Momma, you had a date?” Lily gets very excited over this news, clapping her hands and giggling. “Momma went out with a boy? Did he look like Prince Eric from Under the Sea?”

I laugh at her reference to the Disney prince, when Meadow drops an innuendo, “It was a big date, baby girl.” I give Meadow the death stare.

“Can I go on a date?” Lily asks.

“No!” We all say at once, and she jumps. I cuddle her close and then swat at Meadow as she comes close, giving Lily a kiss. “Don't tell her that. And I don’t want anybody to talk to me. I’ll just go out with you guys for a little while since you’re dragging me anyway.”

“I think there’s one that you want to talk to, and once we get down there, you are going to spill everything about your date. We’ve waited almost a week.”

“The more you stay silent, the more shots you get until we get the full story.”

I roll my eyes at my two sisters and best friend who are staring at me. “Whatever. Do you have a shirt I can wear? I'll keep these jeans on.”

“Jeans and a shirt, but you’re wearing boots with heels.” Meadow crosses her arms and waits for me to agree.

“There’s three feet of snow outside. Can we be sensible, please?”

“Sensible and picking up a guy are two different things.” Meadow pauses. “Though there was nothing sensible about banging in the bathroom, and look how well it paid off for you,” she snickers.

My eyes go wide and I slap my hands over Lily’s ears. “You better stop! She repeats everything!” She waves her hand, dismissing me, and I sigh. “I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

A quick call to Lief, and the answer was no. I hung up with him and explained to the girls I wasn’t going to go. It was a good excuse to stay in, but they quickly called my brother back, placing Lily on the phone and forcing a yes from his mouth.

Walking into the Range, it’s pretty full and the music is loud. We move to the corner of the bar, where Meadow has already beat us to a spot. The same bartender as the last time we were here is behind the bar, and I know this is Cole. I watch as he does a double take as she rounds the corner, and their body language tells me there is definitely something happening with those two. As we approach from behind her, he looks up at all of us, giving a bright smile, but when he looks at me there is recognition. Drake told me they’re friends, and with that look, I’ve no doubt he’s talked about me.

He leans on the counter on the bar top with one hand and the other on his hip. “Good evening, ladies, what brings you all out tonight?”

Blossom steps right up. “It’s been two months since the last time we were all together here, as my sister reminded me.” She elbows me and I roll my eyes, but I don’t miss the smirk on his face. “So we thought we’d come out and let loose again.”

Meadow leans forward, making sure her cleavage is on display. I see Cole fighting not to drop his eyes to her and it makes me laugh. “What would you suggest, bartender?” she asks in a seductive voice. “I heard blowjob shots are a big thing around here.” He holds her daring look, and I can literally feel the sexual energy bouncing off these two. “Actually I think Harvey Wall Bangers are taking top spot now.” She looks my way, nodding her head towards me, and Cole drops his head and huffs a laugh.

“Can you control yourself for two minutes?” I yell at her.

She shrugs. “I could, but where would be the fun in that?”

I push past her. “Just give us four beers and four shots of whatever, and we’ll take it to that table in the back.”

“You got it,” he says as he begins to set out a tray for us. Blossom and I walk to the back and snag the table before it disappears and wait for Courtney to bring the drinks. I see Meadow lingering for a moment longer than she has to, then turn with a grin. Cole’s eyes drop to her ass as she walks away from him.

“What did you just say to him? He’s shaking his head in astonishment.”

“Yeah and he watched your ass the whole way,” Blossom says.

“I just reminded him that my sister likes the bathroom, but the stockroom is more my speed.”

The girls laugh at her comment, but I just close my eyes and take a breath. “Did you blow that guy in the stockroom, Meadow?”

The grin on her face tells me yes even though she doesn't answer the question. “I told you I was teaching him to not be so nice.”

“So when he’s mean, you reward him? What kind of toxic logic is that?”

She waves her hand. “Not toxic at all. The guy is extremely uptight. His calculations have calculations. He’s lucky his pretty face cures his boredom. I shook him up a bit, is all. Wanted him to see how much fun unplanned events are.” Her smug grin makes me laugh. Meadow is gorgeous and turns heads everywhere she goes. It usually ensures she gets what she wants, so if she wants Cole, he better just hang on and go with it.

“Okay, we aren’t here for Meadow’s playdates. That will be tomorrow’s question.” Blossom bumps her with her hip. “So first things first, take the shot, and then you’re gonna start talking.” She directs the drinks to me. “How was it? Where did you guys go?”

I take the shot and place it on the table, taking a breath before I start. “We went to Sal’s. It was simple and laid-back, which was great.” I stop talking and remember how I felt at that moment. It has been so long since I’d been on a date, especially since I’ve closed myself off to ever thinking I would have a date again.

“Why the hesitation?”

“He’s got a lot of baggage too, and I can barely carry my own. I don’t know if I can take on his as well.”

“Give us the cliff notes.”

“His sister died when he was a teenager and his parents had a whole life planned out for them. Apparently, they are some rich family from Florida. You know how I feel about guys using Daddy‘s money.”

Sean used Daddy’s money but said it was his. I should have known he was nothing but a liar then, trying to trap me into a life I wasn’t ready for. Turns out I didn’t know him at all, and life has a funny way of removing things, people , that don’t belong.

“I don’t get that feeling from him. I think him coming here without them is him standing up on his own,” Blossom says.

“He said he didn’t want any part of it, and obviously he didn’t take the money since he’s working as a delivery guy.”

“That's what I’m saying. He cut himself off completely from that drastic damage control. You did the same thing; you left. Don’t you understand wanting to get away from everything?” Blossom pushes. It feels like she’s on his side more than mine.

“I do understand completely, and I understand now coming home was needed, but doing that caused a lot of extra stressors to happen. He’s very in command of himself and his surroundings. And I don't mean controlling.” I shoot Courtney a look because I know that word takes her right back to mine and Sean’s relationship. In the beginning it was great, but the deeper we got, the less I was able to do on my own. He always wanted me with him, with his friends, at dinners, clubs, appearances. I thought it was sweet then, but now I see he was trying to create a gap; he was trying to get me away from my family and turn me into what he wanted. “I mean, he’s sure of himself. Steady. He has control over his emotions. He’s worked through some of his grief, and I’m kind of envious of that.”

I speak without thinking and realize it when all three of them are staring at me with gaping mouths.

Blossom grabs my hand. “January I'm so happy to hear you say that. You’ve shown no emotion in years, and it scares me.”

“Me too.”

“Guess it took a good dicking down in the men’s room to get here?”

We all laugh at Meadow’s outburst, and I know she’s trying to avoid the heavy stuff as much as I have been doing all along.

“I like this guy, January. I don’t care how he came about, he’s here now. Don’t turn it away because you’re afraid. At some point you’re going to have to face things. I wouldn’t want it to be in front of Lily. Tough love? You need to prepare yourself for those questions because they’re going to come, and probably sooner than you think.”

She’s right. I owe it to her and myself.

After about an hour or so, the bar has packed out and is pretty full for a Friday night. I tell the girls I’m going to get us another round and make my way to the bar. I wedge myself in at the end closest to the hallway I went down that since has me rethinking a lot of things. I watch Cole move around the bar taking orders. He seems very comfortable but you can tell he’s not from around here with his deep tan; a far cry from what you’d expect during the cold Montana winter. Drake has the same tan, and it’s like I can feel the sunshine on him.

They’re both very respectful and friendly. I grin to myself thinking about Meadow trying to work him over. He’s definitely the type she likes to break, but there’s something about him, a fight inside that shows he’s stronger than he lets on, more stubborn too. He would be a perfect match for my sister. I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

Cole sees me and makes his way over. “Can I get another round?”

He throws down a tray, grabbing four beers and shot glasses. “Having a good time tonight?” he asks.

“Sure.”

He looks at me. “You don’t come out very often, do you?”

“Not really, at least not for quite some time, but my sisters have gotten me out now two times in the last two months, which is overkill for me.”

“You should come out more. You look like you’re having fun. I even caught you smiling.”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “I heard my sister makes you smile.” He holds my stare, a teasing grin trying to break free. “She’s wild, Cole. Just be sure you know what you're doing.”

He nods. “Boy, do I know it.”

“Tell me about your friend.”

He pulls a bottle down from behind him and fills our shot glasses. He glances around at the bar, checking everybody’s drinks, then leans down to talk to me. “My friend is a romantic with ideas that come from his heart more than his brain.”

I raise a brow. “Doesn’t seem like a good way to be in the business world.”

He nods in agreement. “It’s exactly why he wanted out of where we were. Miami is fun, but it can be brutal for those who cannot keep up with the lifestyle.”

“And what lifestyle would that be?”

“The one that is only concerned with right now . Drake isn’t like that. He leads with his heart, but he looks ahead because that’s where his heart lies. He wants to love where he is and what he’s doing, whether it’s being a top-ten businessman or a delivery guy.” He grows solemn and studies me. “Drake is a good guy, and he gets taken advantage of because of his good nature. Don’t be the first one to do it to him in a new town.”

I step back. I’m a bit taken aback by what he says. “I could say the same about myself, Cole.”

“Then I’m sure you guys understand each other well.” His eyes flick over my shoulder. I grab the tray and turn away but pause when a hand lands on my hip. I glance to the side and see Drake’s outline.

“Hey, man, looks like a good night?”

“Yeah. We've been packed since right after work.” Cole knocks on the bar and turns to somebody calling his name. I still hold tight to the tray.

Drake whispers in my ear, “I’m glad to see you out again. Where is our girl tonight?”

I furrow my brows and turn to look at him. “ My girl is with my brother.” I don’t like this guy insinuating stuff after just one date. But after hearing Cole talk about him, I worry it’s because he’s getting too attached.

“I’ll leave you to your girls. I’m going to sit right here and grab a drink myself. You look beautiful, babe. Let me know if you need something.”

I take the tray and walk back to the table, replaying the word babe in my head. “I see your boy toy has arrived,” Blossom says.

“That’s not a boy toy; that's a daddy,” Meadow responds.

My body tenses at her choice of words. “Will you guys stop it? The only boy toy I see is behind the bar, and, Meadow, you better be careful. I think he’s almost to your level.”

“Almost is not the same,” she replies, studying her nails, but I see her eyes twinkle.

I slide into the booth next to Courtney and she talks low to me. “I saw you and Drake speaking. Your face was a bit unreadable for a minute”.

I brush her off. “It’s fine. He was just asking about Lily.”

She studies me, and I grab one of the shots and take it. I reiterate his words about Lily and how he called her our girl. Courtney slides her shot to me too. “Looks like you could use this more than me.”

“Are you going to get us home?”

Courtney says, “Always, now drink up sister.”

So I do. I take the other shot and chase it with my beer. Suddenly my emotions and my thoughts are running wild. “Why would a young guy want to date someone with a kid?” I ask Courtney quietly. Blossom and Meadow are talking and don’t pay us any attention.

She shrugs. “I don't think age has anything to do with it, and besides, he’s not that much younger. I think Drake is a nice guy, and some guys are ready for that and some aren't. Some married guys aren’t even ready, and you and I both know that for sure.”

“Jack was busy working for you two; it’s not that he didn’t want the family. But why would a single guy want to step right into a relationship with such a complication?”

“Lily isn’t a complication, and any guy you feel is good enough would be lucky to know her.”

My mind spins with possibilities and scenarios that I have no business thinking about right now. Would it be so bad? Could I let him in? Would he fully accept us both?

I’m ready to go home. Being with the girls is always great, and they meant well bringing me out, but being back here, knowing Drake is only a few feet away, is messing with my head. I’m getting flashes of us together, and it’s making me want to act on the same impulses as last time.

My phone goes off and I see a text.

Drake: Meet me in our spot.

My heart thunders in my chest, and the excitement that zips through me at knowing he’s thinking the same things as me leaves me feeling like a teenager with a crush.

I excuse myself from the table and walk down the hallway, but before I make it there, I’m pulled through the next door and find myself inside the stockroom. Drake is on me, kissing me like his life depends on it, and I let it happen because I feel like my life does depend on it.

“I’m sorry. I needed to do that from the minute I saw you standing at the bar. I couldn’t wait any longer, but I didn’t think you wanted to give the bar a show.”

I close my eyes and smile, but say, “We shouldn’t do this.”

He puts his forehead against mine, his breathing heavy. “Don’t say that, January. Don’t put rules on this.”

“I need rules though, Drake.”

“Okay… so we make some for us. Rule number one, I get to take you out two times a week without an argument. Rule number two, I get to bring your daughter cookies. And rule number three, no fucking in the bathroom. At least not public ones.”

I laugh and drop my head, but he tilts my chin up to meet his eyes. “I told you I’m not going anywhere. If I have to wait for you to see that, I will.”

“How can you say that? You’re in a brand new town. How do I know you won’t pick up and leave like your last city?”

“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’m going to leave?”

I nod ever so slightly. I am worried that he’s going to leave, though I don’t want to admit that. The two men I thought would stick around didn’t. I can’t help but think about what could happen. I also know it's crazy to think everybody I come in contact with will die, but it’s not just death and it’s not just about me. I’m worried about Lily getting attached and then having to explain to her why they’re gone. It’s bad enough to go through it myself, learning how to deal with it and move on, but if I had to explain it to my daughter, it would kill me that much more. I want to shield her from the pain of losing someone, at least for a little while.

“Small towns are boring.”

He smiles. “Big cities are daunting.” He cuddles me closer, brushing the hair from my face. “We don’t really know anything about each day, so why worry? I believe we found each other for a reason, that I happened upon this town because of something bigger in play. I want you to believe it too. Will you let me be the one to show you?”

His words scare me. I don’t know if I'm ready for all he’s trying to give. And how do I know he’s ready? Because his friend says he has a big heart and Drake is telling me the words? Words and actions are two different things, and I need to see real genuine actions with my own eyes. But the thing is, I believe he’s sincere so it comes down to me. Am I hoping for that action or am I afraid of what’s expected from me once he does show it?