Wrapped in Winter (Seasons in Montana: Winter)

27. January

Chapter 27

January

I ’m at the shop and after the night I had, I wish I was still home. I woke up in my bed but Drake was gone. He had to check in at work to make sure deliveries were set, but then he was going to pick up Lily from my moms. We had made arrangements prior to my breakdown so I wasn’t going to change it and throw her for a loop. And of course, Drake will do anything for her, so I left it alone.

I’m kind of glad he isn’t here though. I need the silence, to adjust and sift through what happened. The last thing I remember is slamming the floor with my hand over and over. I make a fist absentmindedly and my hand aches.

I can’t believe I broke like that. Drake wasn’t surprised. And I guess I shouldn't be either. For fifteen years I’ve buried it all … my dad, Sean .. having to come home, admit failure. It finally came to a head.

The emotion is so much it physically hurts me right now. Drake has called and I didn’t answer. He then sent a text just to let me know he had Lily and they were going for cookies and to the library. I still didn’t respond. I just can’t put two and two together right now so I’m avoiding it. He’s lucky I’m not running because that thought has crossed my mind, too. But I can’t keep running. I have to move forward. I have to make sense of the life I have now and I owe it to my daughter to make it the best one for her.

And when my brother walks in the shop I literally groan out loud. Obviously I know they had words, though I’m not sure of the exact words. And after last night, Lief is the last person I want to face.

“Morning.”

“Morning.” I don’t look up, just continue looking at the spreadsheets. We had a big weekend and it’s pushed us into new territory. “I think we need to place another order. We’ve got the revenue so the best bet is to reinvest in what’s selling.”

He peers over my shoulder at the laptop. “I agree.”

I look up the last order we placed for Lace and Love and for the gowns, clicking through their new inventory. I add what we need and hit the order button.

“Where’s Lily?”

I roll my eyes. “She’s with Drake this morning.” I say it calmly but inside I want to scream. Since when does he care where she is? She’s usually with our mom so the fact he’s asking means he already knows something.

And it irritates the shit out of me.

“She likes him, huh?” He’s acting aloof and I don’t like it. He’s fishing for information.

“Just say what you want to say, Lief.”

“I like this guy, January. I don't know why you're denying what you already know.”

I turn on him pointing a finger. “And what do you think I know?”

He looks up, taken back by my outburst. “He fits in our family.”

“Yea? Did he fit before or after he put you in your place?”

His eyes narrow but he still won’t give me anything. So I turn on him, mumbling under my breath about no one even knowing Sean.

“No, I didn't know Lily’s father,” I note he won’t say his name, “but you know what? I knew enough to know I didn’t like him. He wasn’t good.” His voice is loud yet firm and I stare at him, shocked he’s getting upset and showing it. “Know what else? I’m glad he’s dead. I’m glad he’s not here and I don’t give a fuck if that makes me a terrible person because maybe I am. And maybe I’m selfish for wanting that. But you never would have come home if he didn’t die. He wanted you away from us, and you were going to do it. And if he was still here, you would have stayed away with my niece. And that’s not fair to anyone.”

He explodes and I feel my own anger boiling over. “How can you say that?” I yell at him. “You didn’t even know him. No one knew him. But he was Lily’s father!”

“Easy, January, very easily I can say that. You settled. He wasn’t the best for you. You were blind to it, it was new. Everything was new, dad dying, you moving, the party scene. He moved fast and you went with it.”

I just stare at him when he continues, knowing he's right. I hate that he’s right. “And then you got pregnant. I'm sorry every day that Lily doesn’t have a dad but it wasn’t going to work and you know it. You saw the signs too, don't act like you didn't. It's why you’re reserved. Why you aren’t as friendly as you were. Because he was making you into someone you weren’t.”

I turn my back on him. “I’m reserved now because I have to take care of everyone. Dad died, Lief. And I had to handle it.”

He grabs my bicep and forces me to face him. “You handled it by running. I cleaned it up!”

I shrug him off. “I handled it how I knew. I was a baby. Like you. You were there with me too, don't make it like I dragged you away.” I point at him, my hands shaking.

“But the difference is, I knew better and came home. I saw it for what it was.”

“I’m here now.”

He tilts his head in question. “Are you? You’re different.” He pauses and I see the emotion pass over his face. Lief was never big on talking about his feelings, but with me, we could do that with each other. So seeing this look, I know what’s coming. “I miss my sister, January. And if Drake is the one to pull you out of this misery, I'm not mad about it. You’re allowed to move on. You’re allowed to love. Because what you had wasn’t love.”

I’m still angry so I keep firing back at him. If I’m going to live in misery, so will he. “What do you know about it? You haven’t dated since Charlotte moved. You think I don't know she was waiting here for you? You took off on her, expected her to wait for you. She didn't want you to go to New York but you went anyway. And by the time you came home she was gone. You didn’t even try to find her. Why, Lief? Why didn’t you look for her?”

“Because I wasn’t any good either! I was broken, January, broken, I could barely function myself but I did it for mom and Blossom and Meadow. This place .” He waves his hand around. “But I wasn’t going to take her down with me. She deserved better. So I let her run.”

His chest is heaving and my heart is thundering. But with his last words, silence falls across the store. I take a breath and say, “Dad would be ashamed of us if he was still here.”

“None of us would be where we are if Dad was still here. That night changed all of us. Permanently. It set into motion a whole new chain of events none of us were ready for. And because of that, we didn’t adapt either.”

I shake my head and lean against the counter, completely defeated. “Do you remember how mom acted at the funeral? She smiled the whole time. I’ll never get that picture out of my head. Friends and family were crying, hell, the other businesses of the town were crying but there was mom. Smiling like she was at a carnival.”

“Dad held everything together for all of us. Mom looked to him for all the answers. He wasn’t there to tell her how to act,” he shrugs, coming down from the height of anger.

“Just like no one was there to tell you, or me, how to act.”

We were robbed of so much. We were robbed of prom pictures with dad, graduation pictures as a whole family. And when we each get married, we’ll be robbed of being walked down the aisle. My daughter is robbed of knowing her grandfather, the best man I ever knew. The one who taught me to ride a bike, to throw a slider and the one who taught me that as a woman, I was in charge of my life.

I can’t disappoint him anymore. I made bad choices when he passed, but I need to grow up. I need to remember all that he taught me in the short time I had him here. Because he taught us a lot, and as kids we weren’t realizing he was giving us life long lessons.

I’m grabbing hold of the lesson of being wrapped in love, and allowing it to consume me. Allowing it to happen, just like mom allowed him in. Without knowing his life was going to be cut short, he did everything he could to make sure we would all be able to live without him, if it happened. That’s a man, securing his family even after he’s gone.