26. Drake
Chapter 26
Drake
S he’s facing me and breathing heavily but not seeing me. Her chest heaving with each new breath and I know this is about her dad. About Lily’s dad. And then it happens. Her hands are in fists and she beats on my chest. “He left us!” She hits me again. “I needed more time!” I try to grab her wrists, her forearms. “I wasn’t ready!”
I try to pull her to me, hold her, comfort her. “And then I grabbed on to the first guy I met and I started the cycle all over. My daughter doesn’t have a father because I was selfish.”
The sob that comes from her is so loud and so heartbreaking it makes me want to cry.
“You weren’t selfish. You were surviving. There’s a difference.”
“No,” she cries out. “No, I left them. I couldn’t stand to watch any of it. So I left. I left them. ” She hits my chest again but sags into me, her whole body shaking with sobs and grief. The grief she's never worked through.
“It’s okay. Let it out. Cry it out, January. I can take it.”
She sobs harder. “No. No! You don't deserve this.”
“I want it, though. Give it to me, sweetheart. I can take it.”
“Lily needs someone. It’s not fair.”
She collapses to the floor and I go with her. We sit on the floor and she’s crying so hard I fear she’s going to throw up. “So break the cycle.”
“I’m afraid to lose again. I can’t. I don’t know how.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I speak softly.
“You can’t promise that.”
“No I can’t but I do promise to fight with everything I have to stay each day. To take care of you both. I’m not her father but I want to be. I want to be there for her. For you . I can give you both what you need.”
She cries and I let her. Just when I think she’s settling down another cry rips through her and she slams her hand on the floor. She pulls at her hair, at my t-shirt she’s wearing. She cries louder and grabs at my arms, digging her nails into my skin. She cries about her mom being alone at such a young age, she cries about not feeling peace in her own home. She cries that she abandoned her family. Then she cries that she’s glad Sean is gone. She cries that Lily won’t know him but she’s glad he won’t have the chance to hurt her. To demean her. And I sit there, feeling rage wash over me at the thought that someone could hurt the two girls I love the most.
But I don't leave. I don’t move. We sit on the floor, and I hold her until she cries herself to sleep. And then the tears I've held back come forth, too. But where hers are mournful, mine are joy. Mine are thanking my sister for sending me this family.
I’d do anything to have my sister back but if she had to go, if she had to leave me, she knew exactly who to send to me to make it through life easier without her.