You Belong With Me

chapter057

The table plans dissolved into mingling, the music got louder, and somehow, in the blur of it, she and Elliot had still barely interacted. Every so often, he’d have to beckon her over, Edie having been identified as his plus one, or place his palm on the small of her back as he chatted to someone.

Edie was soothed by these public displays of affection, but only for a second. What else was he going to do?

Oh hi, Aunty Susan, yeah, this is technically my girlfriend, but I called it off before the ceremony and will be officially agreeing it’s curtains when I’m removing my cufflinks later. In short, don’t get too attached, yeah.

Also, Elliot wasn’t vindictive and wouldn’t exclude her. They were on show, on his brother’s big day. Her presence couldn’t be undone, though Edie saw a future where his loved ones tactfully selected portraits without her for display. It was difficult amid the joie de vivre to accept what had happened. It was tempting to huff down another Mo?t, clutch at him, and pretend it hadn’t. But, as she said, Elliot wasn’t someone who said things he didn’t mean.

Edie was in a secret follow spot of sadness, her face carefully composed into a beatific expression at all times, blankly checking her phone. Gothic Winona Energy veil set aside, lipstick reapplied.

She kept internally replaying: I don’t want you to. Those were five words you didn’t utter without serious intent and the fifth was probably surplus.

In the time she was unexpectedly gifted in her own head, Edie thought hard about why she’d not seen Declan’s declaration coming and how her blithe dismissal of their attachment must’ve felt to Elliot.

Jack had got closer to her than he should have done because he was a sly charlatan. Declan had got too close because he wasn’t one, but it didn’t mean he was harmless to her.

She imagined it reversed: visiting Elliot, some gal pal Girl Friday appearing, a fast friend and co-conspirator. Their cackling away together. Edie sussing that woman was hankering after him and would be scheming. Edie would’ve worried, she could see now, that if Elliot politely rubbished her concerns and refused to address it face on, she’d be fearful of what he’d find when he did.

She saw that her mindset that she was Just Another Girl and He Was Him hadn’t helped. She’d thought it was humility, but it had been used as a pass. It was other people’s right to treat Elliot as a superhero with the ability to turn himself into a spatial vortex, not hers.

He’d made it plain that Declan made him anxious, and if she was really, truly truthful: she’d never taken it entirely seriously.

There was in fact a frighteningly simple question she needed to ask him.

Had the Declan incident alarmed Elliot enough to bail on them entirely – in which case, she might be able to rescue it – or was it a catalyst for doubts he was having anyway? In which case, they were done.

Don’t let it, whatever it is, trigger the ongoing fear that, somehow, someone you love that much will leave.

Was this it? Had Elliot been, as his mother put it, appearing to cope when he wasn’t coping?

Trouble is, Deborah,Edie thought, how do I tell the difference between abandonment tremors and his genuinely wanting to abandon this?

She wasn’t going to be allowed to stay blissfully ignorant about who replaced her. Before she could stop herself, she imagined the first informal shots of Elliot and Ines surfacing, their hands clasped again over an outdoor table or arms linked on a sidewalk, their ease and casual clothes declaring not date, but breakfast out afternight spent together. Edie would feel differently about her entire time with Elliot, knowing she was an aberration before common sense returned, and that common sense was waiting in the wings the whole time, Edie to become a historical footnote.

The DJ announced the first dance, and guests flocked to see Fraser and Molly waltzing on the black and white vinyl tiled dance floor, book ended by potted palms.

After a few bars of Arctic Monkeys’ ‘I Wanna Be Yours’, Fraser was gesticulating at Elliot over Molly’s shoulder and then at other key personnel, indicating, don’t leave us out here.

Elliot put his drink down, made his way over. Edie was perturbed to notice a failed attempt to intercept him by a pretty cousin of Molly’s. She looked in puzzlement at Edie, and obviously didn’t realise Elliot was here with anyone. They had been orbiting satellites enough tonight to present as single.

‘Will you dance with me?’ Elliot said, polite but unsmiling, extending a hand.

If it hadn’t been for the sake of others, all things considered, Edie would’ve said no. Not because you have to ask me. She let herself be led onto the floor and swung into his embrace, his arm round her waist, holding hands.

It should’ve felt good to Edie, despite everything. In fact, it was terrible: their carefully avoiding eye contact again, the tension in his body, like he was enduring it, counting down to being released from the charade.

The refrain I wanna be yours / I wanna be youuuuurs swirled heavily around them, a plea and a taunt, a whirlpool sucking Edie down into the ground below, like the film score credits roll for their relationship.

Despite knowing it was a very bad idea, Edie leaned up and said, into his ear: ‘Is there someone else?’

‘What?’ Elliot said, pulling back to look at her, possibly as much in surprise at her timing as the question itself. ‘Of course not. Like who?’

Edie shrugged. ‘Ines?’ she whispered. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Er, no. I don’t cheat.’

‘Neither do I.’

‘Don’t do this now,’ Elliot said, speaking into her ear, his head right by hers, looking as if it was a sweet nothing. ‘Stop. Please.’

He wouldn’t meet her eye again. Edie had succeeded in putting an end to one worry and swapping it for comprehensively toxifying this moment, alienating him further.

As the song finished and she had to let him go, possibly forever, something in Edie snapped. She wasn’t going to let this to happen; she wasn’t going to simply wait.

Edie put her hand into Elliot’s and grasped it firmly, saying: ‘I need to talk to you.’

If he objected, she’d decided she’d make it clear that, in that case, she’d do it right here, but he let her lead him through the crowd. She moved at a clip that implied they were heading somewhere in particular and didn’t want interrupting. If someone tried, she might snarl. She craned her neck to locate a gap of purple-blue night sky in the wall of the tent, an escape hatch.

They emerged, suddenly alone, which felt more alone than Edie expected. She trailed him across the darkened lawn, stopping by a large oak tree with a whimsical wooden swing dangling from its branches.

Edie looked back, making sure there was enough distance from the light and hubbub of the marquee that they’d see anyone approaching.

She faced him. Elliot was slightly party worn, hair tousled, skin in a light sweat and dark eyes sparkling with drink. His expression wasn’t intrigued or even friendly: it was somewhere between sceptical and reluctant. He’d never looked better, and it wasn’t helpful.

‘I need you to be totally straight with me, even if it’s crushing,’ Edie said, knowing that whatever the outcome, she’d remember this conversation for the rest of her life.