You Belong With Me

chapter058

‘… No matter how upsetting it is, say it. It’ll still be better than trying to decode each other, because I feel like we were speaking in different languages earlier,’ Edie said.

It was a starless, blowy night and was cold away from the patio heaters. Something about the vast canopy of sky in the countryside made Edie feel the size of the moment more acutely. What a strange set of unlikely chances had thrown her and Elliot together. What a strangely fitting way for it to finish. She was fated to have tonally inappropriate conversations in gardens at weddings.

‘“I don’t want you to move in with me” feels like a terminal statement. If you’re saying we’re over, say so now. I’ll go back in there, hold a smile, and leave early tomorrow, no scenes. I owe Fraser, Molly, and your parents that. I can’t spend any longer wondering if that’s how tonight ends. At a celebration of love, it’s like being tortured before execution.’

There was a heavy silence, and Edie knew a no, don’t be silly, we had a spat, it’s not over would’ve come immediately. Don’t cry. There would be time for that later. She had the rest of her life available.

Elliot cleared his throat. ‘You offered to move because I’d found out about Declan’s advances. Even if I could see a way it’d work, I’m hardly going to say yes in those circumstances.’ He glanced back, to confirm for himself that they couldn’t be heard. ‘I said I didn’t want to be right twice. My second prediction is that you’re falling in love with him.’

Edie’s eyes widened, and her mouth flew open.

Elliot shook his head. ‘I know, I know, you deny it. But I know you really well, Edie. We understand each other like nobody else does, it’s why we’ve …’ He had to pause as he choked up a bit. ‘… Meant so much to each other.’

‘Don’t talk about us in the past tense,’ Edie said, distraught, having to gasp the words out fast. Her eyes filled up anyway, and then Elliot’s did, too.

‘This is why this conversation should’ve waited …’ Elliot said, looking away while he got himself under control. ‘You don’t think you are, but I couldn’t figure out why you’d brought him into the centre of your life with such speed. Then I realised: I did know why, but I didn’t want to face it. You and Declan are more than a friendship, and it’s not unrequited love on his part, either. It’s you suppressing something that’s happening, whether you consciously choose it or not. When I say I trust you, I trust your actions, not your feelings. From my perspective, I can’t prevent it, and even if I could, I don’t think I should. He can give you a life that I can’t – one where the tabloids aren’t ripping you apart every month and the paparazzi outside your office go away. So …’ Elliot had to make an effort to look her in the eye. ‘Yes, I think we should probably call it a day now rather than later. I’m no less devastated by that than you are.’

‘What happened to our belonging with each other?’ Edie said. She was tarnishing the memory of the most romantic thing ever said to her, but there was a much bigger tarnishing in progress. She needed answers.

There was a lot of silent swallowing and gulping on both their parts before Elliot was able to reply.

‘That’s why it hurts like nothing else.’

‘OK,’ Edie said, shaky, but exercising self-control in a dire emergency. ‘I want to explain. I’ve thought about this, at last, and I’m going to give you complete and total honesty. After that, you can decide if you still think that’s where we stand.’

She folded her arms and took a deep breath. Her heels did hurt.

‘Not to be a stuck record, but it starts with that wedding again. When I got trashed by everyone after Harrogate, I found out what it feels like to be loathed. I became this distorted version of myself I didn’t recognise. I even wondered: have I actually been this person my whole life and not known? Is this the real me? You know exactly what I mean: when your identity gets created and pulled apart by other people.’

Edie took another breath. ‘I lost the ability to make friends, and it had been a core part of my identity, my survival mechanism. I’d always been good at that. School, university, moving to London. I wasn’t the best at the courting via apps horrors, but being well liked, being a girl who got invited to things and got on with everyone – I could accomplish that. Fitting in. Then obviously I became someone who couldn’t even adapt herself into not being hated.

‘When Declan turned up, he didn’t treat me that way, and it wasn’t because he was ignorant of what went on. It wasn’t due to meeting some Reboot Edie who’d airbrushed it out. He was from the same place as my enemies, knew about Harrogate, and didn’t care. For the first time, I thought maybe I could get past it, that some people might take my side. I could be the old me again. And I instinctively knew that if there was sexual attraction involved, that changed it, and it ruined it. It invalidated his approval, because it turned it into yet more grubby misconduct, exactly what everyone accused me of. But if I never noticed anything like that from him, didn’t participate, it didn’t exist.’

Elliot still said nothing.

‘That’s how I got here. I was desperate for it to be clean and good and redeeming, to not to be dirtied up by any of that. I went into denial, and ironically that’s made you think my wishes were the exact opposite. I’m so sincerely sorry if any of my eagerness and relief at being liked again appeared to you as anything else. You’re right that I was complacent, because in my mind, you couldn’t be threatened. Not treating you as a mere mortal, too – it’s a weird type of inequality, and it’s not fair. You told me you disliked it numerous times, and I of all people should’ve listened.’

Elliot remained inscrutable.

‘You often talk about not being there for me. The day my dad had the fall, I knew there was only one person I wanted to speak to, only one person whose support I needed. Your instincts don’t lie in those moments, Elliot. Not when I thought I might be facing something I’m not actually sure I can face. Then when we spoke, you did help, the way no one else can. It felt like my breathing only got steady and my heart rate only fell once I heard your voice. That’s when home is another person. Wherever you are, you’re home to me.’

Edie’s voice had grown thick, and she had no idea if any of this had convinced him, but she carried on. If soul-baring didn’t work, she had nothing else.

‘Part of me always knew this is how it’d be if we were serious. I finally know exactly why I didn’t dare try the first time. I had a sense you weren’t going to let me down. I feared you were exactly who you told me you were, that you loved me as much as you said you did. So, it was too big a responsibility to take on. How do you get over losing that? I didn’t want to add to my tally of unimaginable losses.’

Elliot was staring at her intently, brow furrowed, and Edie had no idea what he was thinking. None whatsoever.

With some difficulty, she gathered herself for a finale that prioritised dignity and parting on amicable terms. In truth, she wanted to grab his lapels.

‘… If this arrangement we’ve got isn’t right for you any more, fair enough. We said we’d try, and we said it might be a heartbreaking catastrophe. All I can say is: being with you has transformed me. You’ve changed what I expect from a relationship, from life – expect from myself, even. And if you leave, it can’t be for a misunderstanding. What we’ve got is too important for that, Elliot. Tell me we’re over because the wanting has been outweighed by other things. That’s brutal to accept, but at least I’ll know there’s nothing I could’ve said. Don’t do it because you think you’re losing me or doing me a favour, because you aren’t, and you’re not.’