Chapter 51
Chapter Fifty-One
WILL
Day Seventeen
Iwait for Ollie in the shadows of a bar, like this is some drug deal that will go horribly wrong. There’s a waft here of dampness, smoke and despair. I’ve ordered a pint of lager, not my usual drink, but I need something bitter. Something that would take the edge off whatever Ollie wants.
He’s going to beat me up.
He’s not a uni professor, but a hitman, and I’m his next target.
He’s in love with me and he’s going to ask me to marry him instead.
Okay, that last thought doesn’t last as long. I dismiss it almost immediately.
My whole positive-thinking mantra isn’t helping, either. I tried to pump my ears with positive affirmations about how great I am on the walk here, but it hasn’t inflated my confidence.
No, my hands tremble and my eyes keep darting around the room.
There’s a lone man at the end of the bar. His hand slid down his trousers. Thankfully, he isn’t looking at anyone, and his hand doesn’t move. Then there’s a woman in a booth, smoking. I’m pretty sure that isn’t allowed.
And then there’s the bartender, looking afraid of the clientele as they wipe a dirty pint glass that would never be clean, judging by the dirty cloth used.
I tap my fingers on the oak bar, trying to distract myself.
Maybe Ollie won’t show. Or maybe there’s another bar by the name of Miseria. Looking around at the threadbare carpet and the peeling walls, I’m not surprised at the choice of name. Maybe misery was born here.
I’m counting how many dusty bottles are lined against the back of the bar when the door opens in the reflection of the bar mirror. Ollie, wearing sunglasses, looks around.
Disarmed, I indicate the seat next to me. After all, where else would he sit? He takes off his glasses, folding them softly.
‘What can I get you?’ the bartender asks, still wiping the dirty glass.
‘A gin and tonic,’ Ollie says.
‘Hi.’
‘Hello.’ Ollie finally looks at me, shadows under his eyes. He’s broken out with a red pimple on his chin, too. ‘Once I get my drink, shall we go to one of the booths?’
‘Preferably the one over there,’ I say pointing to one in a corner very far away from the smoking lady.
His drink arrives; he pays, and leads me to the booth. Was this a power move of his? His fashionable coat, without a crease on it, reinforces his class over mine. Past me would have compared my own clothes to his, but I can’t go there right now.
‘So,’ we both say, and both pause.
‘You go first,’ he says.
‘Oh.’ I don’t want to. I want to see what he has to say. ‘Um. You wanted to talk?’
‘Is that it?’ It isn’t rude. He looks at me with a blank expression.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I admit. ‘What can I say?’
Ollie crosses his arms. ‘How have you been?’
I stare at him, trying to read his expression. What did I ever see in him? ‘I’ve had time to think.’
‘About what?’
I sip my drink, playing for time. ‘About us. Ollie, I’m sorry I ever came here. I’m sorry I thought that I could win you back, like I’m some child. I’m sorry I ignored your feelings, and Alec’s, and only considered my own. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.’
Ollie’s mouth is downturned. I think he might cry as he takes a breath.
Finally, he holds up a steady hand, looking at me dead centre.
‘Will, you don’t need to apologise. I’m the one who needs to apologise.
I’ve treated you wrong. I thought we could act like nothing ever happened.
I thought Alec need never know. I made you feel like you were wrong, and you weren’t.
I don’t know what happened between us, Will. I don’t.’
‘Neither do I.’
He nods, slow, thoughtful.
‘Did you mean it?’ I ask. He looks at me, his lips parted. ‘You said you never loved me.’
He flinches, sighing. ‘I’m such a dick.’
‘Did you ever love me?’
‘Did you love me?’
‘With my whole heart,’ I say. ‘Once.’
‘I did love you, Will,’ Ollie finally says, and I stare at the table. ‘But I don’t anymore.’
My nod is broken, slow. ‘No, and that’s okay,’ I say, finally knowing that I mean it.
‘I’m sorry I said I never loved you,’ he says. ‘I was just trying to—’
‘I don’t need to hear it. You had your reasons in that moment.’ I look at him. ‘We want to hurt each other, and I don’t know why.’
‘Perhaps we bring out the worst in each other.’
‘Perhaps we do,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry that Alec had to find out that way, too. About what we were.’
I emphasise the past, to let him know that I know that’s exactly what it is. His eyebrows rise.
‘He had to find out sometime, didn’t he? I should have told him. I think he would have preferred to hear it from me.’
‘Yeah, I think so.’
My tone is bitter enough to hurt Ollie.
‘I meant what I said, about me wishing we were still friends.’ Ollie reads my expression, maybe waiting for an outburst.
‘I have to think about us being friends.’
‘Ah, okay.’ Ollie pauses, before saying, ‘Alec said this is a nice place.’
Two men stroll in, heading straight for the woman smoking. Their heads are shaved, piercings in their ears, their noses, their eyebrows. They grimace as they sit next to her, all of them silent. I try not to meet their gaze, for the fear of them saying something to us, or worse.
Killing us.
‘Must not have been here for a few years.’
‘I hate to ask, Will, and I promise I haven’t brought you here just for this, but now that all of this has calmed down, are you still going to be our celebrant?’
I stare at the bar. ‘I don’t know if I can.’
‘Please, Will.’
My lips quiver. The woman and her comrades are watching us. The bartender, too, as if we were characters in a soap opera, here for their personal entertainment.
I pick up my pint, downing it, gulping it down until there is nothing left.
‘Will?’
I shouldn’t have done that. An almighty belch escapes from me like a demon being exorcised.
Stunned, I cover my mouth, staring at Ollie.
He leans back, as if blown by the force. Finally, he says, ‘Nice.’
‘I’m sorry.’ For that.
Ollie’s shoulders slump. His hair is at odd angles.
‘Alec has given me his blessings,’ Ollie says. ‘He knows I’m here. Knows I’m asking.’
‘How do I know I can trust you?’
‘Ring him right now. You can ask him.’ Ollie places his phone on the table, unlocked. His screensaver is a photo of him and Alec, windswept, hugging.
‘You said maybe we might bring the worst out in one another,’ I say.
‘But I think we sometimes brought the best out in one another.’ Ollie ponders me, and I sigh.
Because there are many happy memories. I fell in love with him for a reason, and I know he loved me.
I know we were right for each other at that time in our lives.
He’s not perfect. But he’s not evil. He chews his nails, scratches his forehead, and I know I can’t do this to him.
I can’t let him down. ‘I’ll be your celebrant, Ollie.
’ He eyes me with hope, hand dropping from his forehead to the table.
‘If Alec is truly happy with that, and you’re not lying to me, I’ll do it. ’
‘Thank you, Will.’
‘It’s fine.’
The foam in my otherwise empty pint of beer slides downwards. ‘Can I get you another? It would be good to chat about anything other than the wedding for a bit.’
I stand. ‘No, I should get going.’
Ollie looks pained. ‘Will?’
‘Yes, Ollie.’
‘I’m sorry. For everything.’
The tears escape me before I can stop them. I shake my head as he moves to console me, stepping away from our booth. I don’t want his touch anymore. ‘Bye, Ollie.’
I’m halfway across the bar when the smoking woman calls to me, paralysing me in fear.
‘Do you have a lighter?’
I look at her lit cigarette. ‘Sorry, no.’
‘See? British. Told you, didn’t I?’