Chapter 18
Eighteen
AIDYN
One Day until Christmas
The moment on screen is burned in my memory. My happiness at Emily saying yes. The feel of her small hand in mine. Her almost shy kiss—and my worry that I shouldn’t have proposed in front of her family.
When the camera shifted absently to Garrett’s face as he watched, I wasn’t prepared.
I’ve told myself time and time again that I understood.
Of course seeing me with Emily was difficult for Garrett.
But watching it play out, I realize I didn’t really know.
My absolute happiness contrasted perfectly with Garrett’s devastation.
Heat floods my face. Hot and prickly. Garrett is gone.
But I can’t help replaying the awful moment:
“Isaac, shut it off.” No one deserves to see this. The paused video highlights the pain etched in past-Garrett’s face.
But that’s nothing compared to now. His face is ashen. His shoulders hunched as he blinks away tears.
“Garrett?” I whisper, but he doesn’t react.
His gaze shifts from the television to his cream carpet. “So that—I can explain…”
And then his mother starts. “Aidyn is your brother-in-law. And he’s straight.”
I went to yell at her to leave him alone. But I can’t speak.
His confession. That he fell in love with me in Dublin. “And I’ve been in love with him every minute of every day since.”
But his mother won’t let up, and he finally snaps.
“Emily is gone, Mother. She died. And I wish…” When his voice breaks, so does my heart. “I miss her. We all miss her. But she isn’t here—”
I want to hold him, but I can’t move.
“Were you aware of this, Christy?”
I don’t deny knowing. But I still can’t admit my feelings. That I’m fucking humbled and honored by how much Garrett loves me. That I feel the same way. Which makes my lack of response much worse. As if Garrett has been pining for me all this time—a supposedly straight man.
“Aidyn?” His eyes meet mine, and he’s begging me to tell them the truth. But I can also see the defeat, as if he’s sure I won’t.
What if they all look at me the way Mrs. Bishop is looking at her son? As if he’s depraved. Someone to be pitied? And why the feck do I even care? Her opinion doesn’t matter to me. But Lanie’s does. And the townsfolk. They loved Emily too. Garrett is still treated as an outsider.
But Christ, I have to do something. I can’t lose Garrett.
I open my mouth, but it’s too late. Garrett storms out of the room.
“Christy?”
Isaac is watching me, along with everyone else.
“What?”
“Do you want me to check on him?”
I nod, and Isaac follows him outside. When I hear Garrett’s car, I know he’s gone.
Fuck. Everything’s messed up. I’m desperately in love with Garrett. Yet a profound weight presses on my chest. Holding me down. How can I speak when I can barely breathe?
It’s been almost ten years since Emily died, and the last words she said to me are fresh in my mind. Don’t let Lanie forget me. Or our love.
“Aidyn?”
I glare at Zye. My anger helps me focus. “Don’t call me that. And someone clean this mess before Garrett gets back.”
I storm into the kitchen, trying like hell to catch my breath. But my lungs don’t want to work. My chest squeezes as if my lungs are being used as a pastry bag and someone is trying to remove every ounce of air.
God, I fucked up.
All I had to do was admit how I felt, but I let everyone believe it’s one-sided. Garrett probably hates me.
I stop at the scene before me. Vivian and Jonah are standing close together. Still fighting, if their glares are anything to go by. It reminds me of fights between Garrett and me. I clear my throat. “Get out.”
As they scurry out of the room, I add sugar and cream to my tea and stir, focusing on this simple task instead of the hole in my heart. I love Garrett. So why do I feel stuck? Unable to move forward. The pain in his eyes gutted me.
I choke back a sob. Fuck. I want what he wants.
To spend time together, laughing as we pelt each other with snowballs and then warming up with hot chocolate and an even hotter shower.
Garrett kissing me. On his knees with love shining in his eyes.
And I fucking threw it all away. Because I’m afraid.
Footsteps warn me someone’s coming. Probably Lanie. I’ll just explain that I want to be left alone. She’ll understand.
I wipe the tears off my face and turn to face her. Only, it’s not Lanie.
“Are you okay, Christy?”
Jane. She gives me a sympathetic smile. There are a million things I could tell her. The main one being no. How the hell could I be okay after that? Instead, I focus on my tea and pretend she isn’t there.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t take the hint.
Leaning against the counter, she watches me. “You know what I regret the most about my life? What I wish I would’ve done differently?”
Bloody hell. This is the last thing I need. Leave it to Jane to make this about her. “Not choose drugs over your son?”
“Really? I expected more. That’s low-hanging fruit, my friend.
If you’re going to snap at me, at least give me something original.
” She doesn’t look upset, which is what I was going for.
I’m angry, so she might as well be angry too.
But she looks more concerned and a bit amused. I’m not sure which one bothers me more.
“Go away, Jane.”
“I mean, you’re not wrong. But the thing I really wish I would’ve done differently is… I wish I would’ve asked for help.”
“We’re done.” I’m furious. Not all of it is directed at her.
Most of it isn’t directed at her. But she made herself a target.
I didn’t ask her to come in and bother me.
And yet she’s still just looking at me calmly while I seethe.
“Plenty of people tried to help you, Jane. Including me. Especially me. You can’t blame us —”
“I’m not blaming you. I’m not blaming anyone.
And yes, when they realized I was struggling, everyone tried to help me.
But by then it was too late. I’m talking before then.
When I realized something was wrong. I was sad all the time.
Even when holding my baby. That shouldn’t fucking happen.
I could’ve told Isaac. The man is a sweetheart.
But I was too stubborn. Too proud. Too sure I could fix it on my own.
I told myself it was temporary. Mostly…I was ashamed. ”
I sip my tea and push back any empathy I have for her. After everything—I just can’t.
“I think part of it was due to not dealing with everything that happened with Emily. You can only push things down for so long before they resurface. By the time I accepted help, it was too late. I lost faith in myself. I didn’t think I was strong enough.
And I knew above all that Isaac would take care of Simon. That he was safe with his dad.”
I grip my cup so hard that it feels like it might shatter under my fingers. Some of her points strike a nerve. I know what it feels like to hold everything in. Being too proud to ask for help.
I deserve this pain—I’m the one who survived.
“I’m not doing this.” My voice is raw with emotion. I need to go. But there are too many nosy people in this house. No wonder Garrett left. I blink at the sting in my eyes.
Jane touches my arm. “I can see the same thing happening with you—”
I slam my cup down. “We are nothing alike, Jane. Nothing.”
She drops her hand and her eyebrows shoot up as her eyes dart from the mess I just made to my face. “This has been building for a while. Don’t hold back. Tell me what you think.”
At first, I think she’s talking about what just happened with Garrett. But no, we’re still talking about her. “You abandoned your son. Your family.”
She gestures for me to keep going, and I swear, I’m about to yell the house down.
“You hurt Garrett and Isaac and…” I shake my head.
“Who, Christy?” Her tone is calm. Even. Like we’re talking about the weather.
I can’t take it anymore. I jab a finger at her. “You stole money from my daughter to buy drugs. Money she worked hard for. She was saving for a horse. Did you even know that?”
She nods. “There it is. Finally.”
“So help me God, Jane—”
“Nope. You had your chance. Now it’s my turn to talk.”
I stare at her. What the fuck? She raises her brows, and I nod. Speaking now wouldn’t be good for anyone. And it would only prolong this torture.
“It was wrong—I was wrong—to do that. But to clear a few things up. I wanted the money for Simon. I planned on buying him a birthday gift and coming to the party. But shame held me back. I couldn’t face everyone.
Couldn’t face Isaac and what I’d done to us.
And you’re right, of course. I used the money to escape the pain—to not feel awful for a little while.
Was it the worst choice I could have made?
Yes. But I didn’t steal the money—I borrowed it from Lanie. ”
I scoffed. “Borrowed implies you’ll pay her back—”
“She did, Da.”
“Lanie.” I will my body to relax as I try to smile. “Darlin’, your aunt and I were just discussing—”
“Discussing? I could hear you. Everyone could hear you. I turned a movie on the television to drown you out. Simon was getting upset.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. We’ll keep it down. Go on, lass. Grown-ups are talking, so—”
“No,” she says, folding her arms across her chest.
I stare at her. “Excuse me?”
“I’m not leaving. I have something to say.” Her brows rise in challenge and she reminds me so much of her ma. “Aunt Jane paid me back. And she apologized.”
When? And why did no one tell me? Not that it changes anything. “Lanie…”
“You need to let this go, Da.”
“It’s not that simple.”
She leans against the counter next to Jane. “I have a boyfriend, Aunt Jane.”
“That’s great, sweetie. What’s his name?”
Leaving them to it would be the best thing to do, but I’m still angry. “It doesn’t matter.”
I expect Lanie to give me attitude about it, but instead, she ignores me. “Riley.”
Jane smiles, and I throw my hands in the air.