23. Hailey
CHAPTER 23
HAILEY
E d sniffed the mascara wand, then tossed it away. “This one’s gone bad. Look at her eyes!”
I could’ve told him it wasn’t the makeup. It wasn’t allergies, and I wasn’t sick. It was hormones, was all, making me cry. Hormones, not heartbreak. I was fine by myself. I hadn’t crumbled when Mina broke the news: Jackson wouldn’t be here for my rescheduled Vegas show. I hadn’t held on long enough to dismiss her, then cried for an hour in my hi-tech steam shower.
“What did he say?” I’d asked, fishing for details. Maybe he was busy, or he couldn’t make it on time. Maybe he would have come, if only he could have.
Mina had shrugged. “He wasn’t available.”
Nothing for me, no message at all.
Now I sat in my dressing room getting my face put on, trying not to cry and undo Ed’s hard work.
“It’s not like we were some love story for the ages.”
Ed leaned in. “What’s that, hon?”
I blushed, realizing I’d spoken aloud. “Just lyrics,” I said. “For a new song.” But I hurt like I had somehow fallen in love, and maybe I had a bit. Why wouldn’t I? Jackson had sat with me and held my hand, kept me company through long stretches out on the road. He’d told me stories and made sure I ate, and cared for me like no one else had.
He always knew what I needed, so he had to know now. He had to know I needed him here. He had to know I’d been dreaming of falling, smashing myself to bits on the stage. Or my parents would show up and I’d see them and freeze. They’d see me flailing and hear my voice break, and know they’d been right. They’d been right all along. Didn’t I know how few singers made it? And if they did, they just got into drugs. They died young. They were wreckage. That would be me.
“Breathe in,” said Ed.
I hitched a half-breath.
“Okay, that’s good. Now breathe out through your nose.”
I breathed out, then in, and my panic receded. Jackson had dumped me, but I would survive. I’d been dumped before and I’d be dumped again. My fans would still love me, and so would Mina. And I’d love my baby. I’d have a family. A tiny one, sure, but that was enough.
“You’re going to be great,” Ed said. “Look at you. Gorgeous.”
I smiled so Ed would feel like he’d helped, but inside, my guts were one massive knot. It was all so much, my career. Motherhood. I’d had my next tour planned, across Europe and Asia. I couldn’t do that with a newborn in tow. I’d have to tell Mina soon, so she could clear my slate. And she’d want to announce it, and get me new sponsors. Get me doing spon-con in maternity fashion. My parents would see, and they’d judge me and shame me. What if they sued me for custody? I’d heard of that happening sometimes with grandparents. Did my pop star lifestyle make me unfit?
Someone shouted outside, and I cringed in my chair.
Ed rolled his eyes. “What is this, a hockey game? Shut up out there.”
Another shout rose, louder this time. I heard scuffling, a thump. A bang on my door. Then I heard my name.
“Hailey! It’s me!”
Time stood still. “Jackson?” Was that… Jackson? I couldn’t breathe. My body felt light. My limbs were all tingling like I’d been shocked. Was this what it felt like to just up and faint?
“Hailey, tell them?—”
“Get him out of here!”
“Get back and I’ll tase him. Get?—”
I flung myself forward, out of my chair. Threw the door open, and there he was. Jackson. He was caught in a brawl with two of my guards, more of them streaming in from all sides. One man was yelling and waving a taser, but he couldn’t fire with his friends swarming Jackson.
“Let him go,” I said.
Nobody heard.
Jackson saw me and lunged for me. “Hailey! I’m sorry! I tried to text, but?—”
“On the floor! On the floor!” One of my guards flung himself on his back. Two more grabbed his arms and dragged him down. They pinned him on his belly, but he’d stopped struggling. He craned his head back to catch my eye.
“Hailey, just listen?—”
“Shut up! Shut up!”
“Get my cuffs, get your cuffs, give me your cuffs!”
I stuck my fingers in my mouth and unleashed a loud whistle. Everyone froze, and I held my hands in the air.
“I need to talk to this man. Let him up now.”
Nobody moved. Two guards exchanged glances.
“I said, let him up.”
“He was trying to break in.”
“I know he was, because he needs to talk to me. And I need to talk to him, so get off his back.”
The guards got off, still tensed for action. Jackson stood up, and I pulled him inside. One guard made to follow, and I waved him back.
“No. This is private. You wait outside. You too, Ed — out.”
Ed rolled his eyes again, but he strode out. The guards crowded in, still glaring at Jackson. I shut the door on their protests and we were alone. At first we just stood there, and I didn’t know what to feel. He had come back, but why? And why wasn’t he talking? Did he expect me to start? But he’d come all this way. Barged through my guards. It had to mean something, how hard he’d fought.
“Sorry doesn’t cover it,” he said at last. “I had this whole speech prepared, but?—”
“What do you want?” The words burst out of me, too loud, too harsh.
Jackson recoiled. “Oh, God. Oh, God.”
I tried to calm down, but I couldn’t take the not knowing. What was he doing here? Why had he come? “Just say it, just tell me. What do you want?”
“To go back in time and say the things I should’ve said. To say what I really feel, and not be an ass. Hailey, I love you, and I did this so wrong. I piled screwup on screwup, and— Hey. You okay?” He stepped in as my knees buckled and caught me mid-fall. “Lie down. Get your feet up.” He laid me on the couch. Grabbed an overstuffed pillow and jammed it under my feet. I lay there, head spinning. He loved me? For real?
“Slow sips,” he said, and passed me a water. I unscrewed the cap and took a quick sip.
“I’m okay. Head rush. Did you say you?—”
“Wait.” Jackson knelt next to me, on the hard floor. He straightened my pillows. Unclasped my choker. “Can you breathe okay?”
“Yeah. I told you I’m fine.”
“Then, let me tell you why I came back. But first, let me start with why I left.” He sucked a deep breath, and I heard him swallow. “I told you about my parents’ divorce. But what I didn’t tell you was, it’s happened three times. My dad, I mean. He’s had three divorces. And I always thought they were his fault. I thought it was him, it was who he is, and me, I’m just like him. I thought we’d be the same. I thought I’d try with you, but I’d let you down, and I’d let your kid down, and then I thought…”
“What?”
He covered his face, then let his hands drop. “I thought it’d be better to rip off the Band-Aid. To let you down now, and not drag it out. I thought my parents’ marriage was this long, lonely slog, with Dad on the road and my mom stuck at home, but turns out they were happy up till they weren’t. And if he’d done what I did, they’d have lost those good years.”
I laughed, loose with shock. “So you’re back for our good years?”
“No! No, I’m back for— I’m fucking this up.” He stood up, then knelt again. Raked his hands through his hair. “I’m here for the good times. I’m here for the bad. I want to fight for us if that’s what you want. Look, my parents started out wanting the same things, then they grew apart, and that’s when they split. But that was them, and we’re not them. We’re us. Tell me what you want now.”
I tried to collect my thoughts. “What I want how?”
“Out of life. Out of love. For us as a family.”
I opened my mouth with no clue what to say, but the words still poured out like they’d been waiting. “I want this, my dream. Making my music. And I want that for you, to have your dreams come true. I want our kid to have all the adventures, and I want us both there for her, or maybe for him. I don’t care which it is, a boy or a girl, but she has to be loved. Or he does. By us.”
Jackson took both my hands. Pressed them to his face. “I want that too, all of that. We want the same things. That might change one day, but maybe it won’t. I believe in true love and I believe in forever, and it might sound corny, but I believe in us. I think we can do better than our parents did.”
I laughed again. “That wouldn’t be hard.”
Jackson’s face fell. “So they never showed up?”
“No, and Mom blocked me. Or she changed phones.”
“My parents would love you.” He squeezed my hands. “Not just Mom and Dad, but Don — that’s Mom’s husband. And Marla and Kathy, they’re Dad’s ex-wives. And my brothers and sisters, my whole family. They’d all love to meet you, I guarantee.”
My breath caught in my throat. “I could… borrow your family?”
“You could be one of us. You are, don’t you see? The second that stick turned, what was it, blue?”
I sniffed. “Two pink lines, but I get what you mean.” I couldn’t help picturing meeting his family, all of his siblings, his stepmoms and dads. It made my heart race, but not in a bad way. What I felt was excitement, the dawning of hope. “You mean it? You’re back now? You won’t run again?”
“Never. I swear to you.”
I wanted to believe him, but I had to be sure. I couldn’t let myself fall again, if he wouldn’t be there to catch me. “I mean, you know babies are a lot of work. There’d be times when you’d have to stick close to home. Times when I would, when both of us?—”
“My dad was there for me when he needed to be.” Jackson swallowed again, and he closed his eyes. “He’s like me. He needs freedom. Changes of scene. But not all the time, not— okay, remember the safe house? Remember the soup I made when you got sick? Dad would come home just to make that for me. He’d stay with me, care for me till I was better. He’s like that with all his kids, and he raised me right. I’ll do that for our kid, do it for you. I’ll set up my business so I have that choice. I have this Army bud, I’ve already reached out, and we’re going to be partners. Hire a full staff. We’re going to arrange it so families come first. I can come on tour with you and care for our baby. Or stay home with him while he’s too little to tour.”
Jackson kept talking, going over the details, how he’d make it work for us. How our lives would mesh. But I couldn’t hear him past the sound of my heartbeat, the rush in my ears like deafening applause.
“Let me prove it,” he said. “Please, let me do this. I’ll show you every day how much I love you.”
Someone tapped at the door. “Hailey? You good?”
Jackson leaned in and pressed our foreheads together. “That’s why when Mina called, I said no to the job. You’re not just a job to me. You’re not a paycheck. You’re everything, and I?—”
“Hailey! Open up!” Mina rattled the doorknob, then banged on the door.
“Shut up ,” I yelled. I needed to hear this. I gripped Jackson’s hands. “I’m everything, and what?”
“I swear on my life, I will love you forever. You and our baby, no matter what. Even if we did split up, that love wouldn’t change. We’d still be a family. You’d still be my world.”
“I love you too,” I said. “I?—”
“ Hailey! ”
“Kiss me.” I pulled Jackson in, and he kissed me slow and sweet. I sank into that kiss and wanted to drown in it, let his love fill the holes in me like honey in toast. But Mina had a key, because of course she did, and she burst in on her and chaos came with her — Ed and his team gasping at my smudged makeup. Security rushing to check I was safe. Mina smacking Jackson till he let me go.
“What are you doing? We need her on stage!”
I laughed, half-delirious, at her manhandling Jackson, as if he couldn’t lift her with one arm tied.
“He loves me,” I sang.
“Are you drunk? Are you high?”
“No, I’m in love.” And I was. I was flying. Jackson had come for me. He’d showed up when it mattered. Even my own parents hadn’t done that. And now I could go out there and sing my heart out, and if somehow I fell, Jackson would save me.
He’d always show up for me.
I knew that, bone-deep.