Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Octavia stood frozen as the Duke approached her.
There was so much that she wanted to say…
that she wanted to think. She wished that she could have seen him and realized how wrong she had been about him, that he wasn’t the man she had gotten to know, that her feelings were misguided and wrong.
She would have liked to have felt nothing, to have simply turned and walked away.
A sneer on her face. A look of apathy as their eyes met. Anything!
The crushing reality of the moment was far different.
As the Duke approached her, Octavia’s heart began to flutter.
A part of it was how handsome he looked, just as she remembered.
Those dark eyes of his. His sharp features, perfectly symmetrical.
His thick head of hair. His broad shoulders and powerful gait.
How utterly powerless she felt just to be around him…
while also safe… while also feeling seen.
She started to remember with full clarity their time together. She thought back to that day she had stormed into his office and made demands, how he had teased her, how he had stood over her as she became completely undone by his confidence and command.
She thought about the day he joined them for a walk through the park, when she had gotten wet, and his first instinct was to give her his jacket. He was protective like that, a vulnerable moment that came from the heart.
Her mind cast back to the garden when he had denounced her father, told her that he wanted her to be herself. They had argued, they had bickered, and then he had touched her in ways that made her thighs burn.
Most of all, she recalled the more intimate moments. Him pouring his heart out to her. Him painting her as he truly saw her. And the night before her world changed, when he had thanked her for everything she had done… and then he had shown her just how grateful he was.
Her limbs started to burn. Her legs started to tremble. Despite everything, Octavia still belonged to the Duke entirely and hopelessly, and there was nothing that she could do.
“Miss Redgate,” the Duke said as he reached her and Dorethea. “I was hoping I would find you here.”
“You… you were,” she stammered. Octavia did her best to stand tall, to appear confident, but she wilted before him.
“Yes.” He did not smile. There was nothing behind his eyes. But he did not look away. “In fact, I was hoping that we might talk.”
“Oh.” She swallowed. “About?”
He looked around them, taking note of how many people had stopped what they were doing to watch. “In fact, would you care to join me for a dance?” He offered her his hand.
“I…” She eyed the hand. “I am afraid I am not much for a dancer.”
“Somehow, I find that hard to believe.” Without waiting for permission, he took her hand. “Come, they are about to begin.”
Octavia could do nothing but allow herself to be led by the Duke. Her hand tingled where he held it, and her chest was so tight that she could hardly breathe.
What does he want? Does he… no, Octavia. Do not dare think it. Do not get your hopes up…
He led her to the dancefloor, where a dozen other couples were just now taking their position. He stepped into her, his right hand gripping her own, his left hand resting on her hip. It was a soft touch, almost hesitant, and their bodies were nowhere near as close as Octavia might have liked.
“Are you ready?” he asked her.
“I…” She swallowed again. “I suppose we will find out.”
He smirked. “I suppose we shall.”
The music started suddenly, and without another word, the Duke led Octavia and himself across the dancefloor in a waltz. Octavia knew a little of this dance, but she was no expert. Not that it mattered, as the Duke led her perfectly, in full control, as was his way.
As they danced, Octavia tried her best not to meet his eyes.
She was afraid that if she did, he would see the truth of her thoughts in them.
While she knew how she felt, she believed that he was not of the same mind, and that when he realized her feelings…
that he would own her even more than he already did.
“I am glad that you were here tonight,” the Duke said finally.
“You are?” Octavia glanced up and found the Duke looking ahead.
“I have been thinking all week about…” His expression turned tight. “About the last time that we spoke, and I feel that I owe you an apology.”
“You do?” Her heart started to race… hope threatening to burst from her.
“The truth is, what has happened, it…” His brow furrowed. “It caught me by surprise, as I am sure it did you. I did not expect it, so I am afraid that I did not handle it nearly so well as I should have done.”
“That is fine,” she said, not wanting to argue. “If anything, I should be the one apologizing.”
“And why would you apologize?”
“I broke my promise,” she said. “You were right to be upset. Is that…” She tried to meet his eyes still, but he refused to look down. “Is that why you were upset?”
He hesitated. He looked ahead. She saw him consider… “Yes,” he said stiffly. “That is the reason.”
She winced. “I am sorry…”
“Don’t be,” he said, still without looking. “But it is wrong of me to hold that against you, and I see that now. You were a different person when you made that promise, so you cannot be expected to keep it.”
“As you were a different person when you had me make it.”
It was subtle, but a touch of a smile found his lips. “I suppose I was, wasn’t I? Nonetheless, promises were made and broken.” He chuckled softly. “All of them, by my calculation. You never were much good at keeping your promises.”
“No, I wasn’t,” she laughed.
One of the promises she had made was not to disturb him in the evening; she broke that the first night. Another was to work for him for six months, which was clearly no longer the case. The third promise was that she would not go into the eastern wing.
There was a fourth promise too, one that had felt strange at the time but now felt wholly relevant. Just as it was one that she hoped he would not remember…
“There is still one more you have yet to break,” he spoke over her. As he did, he pulled her in a little bit closer as their direction changed, and she gasped to feel his arms around her.
Her knees buckled, and she nearly fell, memories of the last time he had held her this way crashing down on her. But he kept her steady, protected, and owning her as he always had.
“And I want you to know that in this instance, you are free to break it. Please, do not think I would dare to stop you.”
“Wh – what promise is that?” she asked, daring to think he would mention her love for him… that he hoped she felt this way.
Finally, he looked down at her, and there was a touch of sadness in his dark eyes. “The reason that you are here, no doubt. Now that you are of the peerage, you will be expected to marry.”
“Oh…” Her heart crashed.
“Although that promise only applied for so long as you worked for me, which you no longer do. But I want you to know that I am happy for you, Octavia. Nobody deserves this more than you do. So, please, forgive me for how I behaved, and know that all I want is for you to be happy.”
The music came to a gentle stop, and as it did, their waltz slowed down. Gently, ever so carefully, the Duke released her from his clutches and took a step away.
It was but one foot between, though, although it felt like it was miles of space. The distance that separated them… they were of the same world now, but never had they felt so far apart. Try as she might, Octavia could not see how it would ever close.
“Good luck,” he said with a soft smile, as if he meant it. “I pray that you find everything you are looking for.”
It was her last chance. All Octavia had to do was tell him how she felt. Why was it so hard? With all they had been through, all they had done, it should have been the simplest of things.
But as she started to speak, as she gathered her courage, she noticed how the Duke still refused to look at her.
She felt that distance between them more than ever.
Perhaps he was not the same man she had met that first day, all those weeks ago, but he was not the same man who had opened himself to her either.
Whatever they had, whatever they almost were, it was gone now, and Octavia knew that nothing she said would change it. What was worse, she did not think that he wanted her to.
“Thank you,” she somehow managed. “For everything.”
His smile remained, a soft nod of recognition, and he turned and walked away.
And there Octavia stood, watching the man she loved leave her for the last time, knowing in her heart of hearts that she would never see him again.
She might marry. She might have a family.
She might live a life of influence and wealth, everything that she ever wanted.
But it would not be enough. Always, she would wonder to what might have been… and what never was.