Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Evander arrived home early from the ball, but that was not a surprise. He had not gone there to enjoy himself or to be social as most would do. He went for one reason only, and having done that single thing, left right after.
Perhaps I should not have gone at all. It might have been easier if I had just pretended… rather, if I had forgotten. Out of sight is out of mind, and I need to remember this.
It was because he was home so early that he wondered about Aaron, the likelihood that his son was still awake. This past week had seen Aaron return to his earlier ways, an agent of chaos and destruction, and getting the young boy to go to bed on time was proving to be an exercise in patience.
Not that Evander had to guess why his son was this way.
Funnily, Evander almost envied his son. When Aaron was upset, he let it be known.
When he wanted something, he did not shy away from saying it.
Evander, however, hid his feelings, he refused to admit to them, and he bottled up his emotions and his needs because he was afraid of what might happen if he let them out.
Once again, he had turned into that which he had spent the last few weeks escaping.
For a time there, he started to see the benefit of being honest with himself.
Emotional transparency had not been a weakness, but a bridge on which others might walk so they could offer their aid.
Such a state of being was responsible for Evander and Octavia…
No, do not go there, Evander. What’s done is done, and there is no going back.
His walls were back up. He hid behind them as he had always done. And whenever Octavia came to mind, whenever he started to wonder about what might have been, he built them higher. It was the only way to keep the sadness at bay… or to pretend that it did not exist at all.
As expected, Aaron was awake.
The room was dark. When Evander poked his head inside, he thought for a moment that his son was asleep. But then he saw movement in the bed…
“Aaron?” he said softly, just in case Aaron was asleep.
“You’re home early,” Aaron’s voice drifted through the darkness.
“Not so early that you should be awake.”
“Why do you even care?”
Evander winced at the coldness of his son’s words, not to mention the sharpness of his tone. For a while there, he and Aaron had grown closer, developing what Evander had always imagined a real son and father relationship might be like.
Now, sadly, it was withering, and day by day, he felt them growing apart.
“Of course I care…” Evander sighed as he walked into the room. “How could you think otherwise?”
“You never did before.”
Evander winced again. When he reached the bed, he considered standing, almost afraid to get too close in case his son rejected him. But he breathed in deeply, steeled himself, and sat down. Aaron was tucked under the covers, but he curled his body up nonetheless.
“I have always cared for you, Aaron,” Evander said. “I just… There are times when I struggled to show it.”
“I don’t believe you. If you did care, then you…You…” He heard his son sniff. “You wouldn’t have sent Miss Finch away.”
“Aaron…” Evander’s chest tightened with guilt. “I did not send her away. I explained to you why she had to leave. It was not because of something that she did. It is a good thing what happened to her. And Henry, too. You should be happy for them.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I didn’t want them to go.”
Evander hesitated. He very nearly dismissed his son’s concerns as childish and shortsighted. Always, when Evander was forced to defend himself, he lashed out and doubled down. He did not like to lose, and acting this way is who he was.
But he considered his son’s words… just as he considered his own feelings. Denying what he knew was right, refusing to admit the truth, that was what had gotten him here in the first place. Why was he so determined to be this man when he hated these things about himself?
When he had learned who Octavia was, there had been a moment when Evander had felt relief.
For so long, he had worried about what might happen between them, knowing deep down that nothing ever could because of her birth and his status.
But if she were a lady of the peerage, would that not solve everything?
Typically, such feelings did not last.
Evander realized quickly that her new status would force her to move away. What was more, it would force Evander to act, to announce his feelings, to declare that he wanted her before it was too late. And that level of emotional vulnerability… well, it terrified him.
So, rather than doing the right thing, he did as he always had done. He withdrew, he refused to accept what he knew in his heart, and he burned the bridge between them… he broke his heart, as he knew he had broken Miss Finch’s.
“Do you want to know the truth?” Evander said as he rested a hand on Aaron’s body. “I… I did not want them to leave either.”
“R – really?”
“Of course, really,” he sighed. “But it was not my choice to make.”
“You could have stopped them,” Aaron said. “You could have… You could have asked them to stay.”
That was true, but once again, Evander just wasn’t that type of man. He wanted to be. He wished that he were. But that simply wasn’t his reality.
“Miss Finch made her choice, and we must accept it,” he said.
“You promised that Henry would be allowed to visit,” Aaron continued, his voice thick with tears. “But he doesn’t. You won’t let him!”
“I…” Evander’s voice became choked. “Tomorrow, I will write to him and ask if he wishes to.”
“Liar!”
Evander winced again. It had been a lie. To write to Henry would be to write to Octavia, and after what he had said to her tonight, he knew the easiest thing to do would be to forget about her. That was the only way that he could move on.
He wanted to ease his son’s suffering. He wanted to do the right thing. However, faced with such hostility, Evander did as he always had done. That being the worst of things.
“Enough of this, Aaron,” he said sharply. “You are almost eight, and this behavior is that of a child.”
“I am not –”
“If you want to be treated with respect, you must treat others the same way. Perhaps I will ask Henry to visit, but only when I think that you deserve it.” His stomach turned, so he thought that he might be sick. “Is that understood?”
Aaron said nothing, and his body curled further.
Evander looked at the form of his son beneath the covers.
He wanted to crawl into bed with him, to hold him, to tell him sorry and promise that everything would work out for the best. But that was also a lie.
Nothing would be the same as it was, and despite his desire to protect his son, lying to him would not help.
So, Evander chose cold detachment instead. He was his father’s son, raised to be this way, and it was time he accepted this as the truth.
“Good night, Aaron.” Evander stood and crossed the room. “We will start interviewing new governess’ tomorrow, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.”
With that said, he closed the door, hating himself even more than he already had. His son despised him. Miss Finch likely wanted nothing to do with him. And it was exactly what Evander deserved.
Evander spent much of the night thinking about his conversation with Aaron.
He knew even before he had walked out of that room that he’d gone too far.
Aaron was only seven, he couldn’t possibly understand the complexities of what was going on inside of Evander’s head – Evander didn’t even understand them! And he was right to be upset.
For this reason, Evander decided that come the following morning he would have a more honest conversation with his son.
What he would say, what he would admit, Evander had no idea. But he could not stomach the idea of his son hating him, for he had seen what it felt like to be loved and admired… even if it was only for a short time. And perhaps, this was what would make Evander finally admit his own feelings.
Maybe, by the time the morning is finished with, I will be one step closer to being he who Miss Finch had started to see… I can be that man; I must believe it.
He walked into the breakfast room, brimming with nerves.
For weeks now, Evander had made sure he was present at breakfast, and that had not changed once Miss Finch left.
The mood at those breakfasts might have been different, they were certainly awkward and not nearly so pleasant.
But he was making an effort, and that was what mattered.
Surprisingly, Aaron was not there.
“Where is Master Aaron?” he asked the footman as he took his seat. “It is not like him to miss a meal.” He chuckled at the thought. “That boy eats enough for five people.”
“I am not sure, Your Grace. I will check.”
“Do that.”
The footman hurried away, only to return a few moments later. With him was Miss Spencer, and she wore a look of abject worry on her face.
“Your Grace!” she rushed toward him. “I do not understand it. I… I swear, I was not late in waking Master Aaron this morning. I promise you!”
Evander stood quickly. “What has happened? Where is my son?”
“That’s just it, Your Grace.” Her chin wobbled furiously, panic and fear both present in her eyes. “He was not in his room when I went to wake him, nor is he anywhere that I can see.”
“He…” Evander’s stomach dropped. “What are you saying?”
“He has gone, Your Grace. He has run away.”