Chapter Seventeen
At home, Boxing Day with Craig was normally spent in a food coma, trying to muster up the energy to clear up all the mess left from the day before. Then Craig and I would try to polish off more of the food that we had overestimated we would need. It is dreadful the amount of wastage that Christmas brings with it. But, here in Prague, we have none of that. Everything has been simpler and much more intimate.
Back at Albert’s flat, the Christmas tree continues to light up the corner of the room, and I think how it is just the right size. It is simple but perfect and, I suspect, much easier to clear away than the seven-foot tree we used to get from our garden. At least there are no shed pine needles to discover for months afterwards when you have a small fake tree.
The three of us sit around talking about what a wonderful Christmas it has been before we begin the box of letters. Last night we stayed up late reading through the correspondence from Aunt Grace telling Marek what she had been up to and general news about our family. Now it is time to begin the next round of letter-opening. Tomas hands me a coffee and then passes over the box so that I can start going through them again.
‘I’m looking forward to the next letter,’ says Albert.
This one is dated two days before Marek had his accident. I tear at the unopened envelope and feel a mixture of emotions when I scan over the words. I am relieved that he never opened this one.
‘20 September 1994
Dearest Marek,
I’ve tried to write this letter so many times, but all I ended up with was a piece of paper with splashes of mascara. When you finish reading this, you may understand why.
I am so incredibly sad that I find myself writing this, but I know that it is the right thing to do.
The past year we have had together has been truly incredible, even though we haven’t managed to see much of each other.
I’ve looked forward to every letter you’ve sent me and every phone call we’ve had. To hear your voice and to see your writing fills me with joy. You are the most charming man I have ever known and to be with you seems too good to be true. Which, quite frankly, it is. I could dream about our relationship all day and think how things could be and how we could make things work, but I realise I am being foolish holding onto such hopes. The longer I leave our relationship to run along, the more painful it is going to be when we have to face the truth. At the end of the day, my life is here with my family and, in particular, my mother-in-law, Elsie.
I’ve given it so much thought, but I realise that she has nobody and since she had another catastrophic stroke a few weeks ago, I can’t leave her for a sneaky London trip. That just feels sordid and incredibly irresponsible at my age. Don’t get me wrong, you make me feel wonderful, but I want our relationship to be out in the open, in the sunshine, not hidden away, and that is something I don’t feel I can do right now.
I have to do my duty and be a good daughter-in-law. It’s how I was raised – to always help others and do the right thing. To be a good girl and all that. So, I am going to do the right thing, although it breaks my heart, and put a stop to our relationship.
You are one amazing man, Marek. I will always keep you in my heart, and I hope you will remember me with fondness as much as I will you. Having met you and the glorious way you made me feel is a gift I will treasure forever.
I’m sure you will very easily meet another love and have a very happy life. I would die with jealousy to see you with another, but I want you to find happiness with someone. That woman can sadly not be me.
My love always,
Gx ’
I look up at Tomas, whose chin is trembling. Albert is looking for tissues in the box in front of him and I am finding it hard to stay composed. This is just tragic. She should never have had to sacrifice everything like this, but that is Aunt Grace for you.
‘That’s heartbreaking,’ says Tomas.
‘Yup,’ I agree.
‘Well, I’m glad he never read this. It would have broken his heart. Although I doubt he’d have given up without a fight. It was a bit late for all that. He’d already bought her that ring and was planning to propose.’
‘Maybe Aunt Grace knew that things were getting too serious and started to worry,’ I say.
‘Yes, but if Marek hadn’t died, then I think he would have flown over and found her and not given up. I really believe that.’
‘Well, maybe she wouldn’t have even wanted that to happen. She was too loyal to Elsie.’
‘We’ll never know,’ says Tomas.
I look down and see the next envelope is still waiting to be opened.
‘There’s another one here. Shall I open it?’
‘Yes!’ shout Albert and Tomas in unison.
I am intrigued as to why Aunt Grace would write again a year after she broke it off with Marek. When I see the date on the postmark, I think I begin to understand.
‘13 August 1995
My dearest Marek,
I hope that hearing from me again doesn’t come as a shock. I wanted to pick up the phone to you but thought it might be better to write down what I have to say.
Perhaps you have met someone else by now and want to throw this in the bin. I don’t blame you and completely understand if you never want to hear from me after what I did to you. I know you were talking about us getting engaged, but I just panicked.’
‘I thought as much,’ I say.
‘Why would she panic about something so wonderful though?’ asks Tomas.
‘She was worried about her commitments at home. About Elsie.’
‘If I’ve learnt one thing from these letters, it’s that finding a special love is more important than trying to keep other people happy. If Tomas here met someone from another country, I’d give him my blessing. Even if it meant he leaves me here alone,’ says Albert.
Tomas clears his throat and gives out a funny little cough. ‘Yes, so, what else does she say?’ he asks.
I look back at the letter and am glad to change the topic of Tomas finding love as I continue reading.
‘I knew that I had to be at home. Putting Elsie into a care home wasn’t an option for me. I’d never do that to family. Her son might not have been the kindest, but Elsie was a good lady who deserved to live out her days at home. I don’t think she had it easy with Harry’s dad either.
I don’t regret what I did, but now that she has died, my circumstances have changed. Goodness, this is so hard to say without sounding like you’re second best.
I totally understand if you’ve moved on, but if there is the teeniest chance that you haven’t and would like to pick things up where we left them now that I am free of family commitments, then please would you write back to me. I do hope I will hear from you.
I wish you all the best, my darling Marek.
Always yours,
Gx’
Albert shuffles around in his chair, obviously feeling uncomfortable as the man who could have told her that Marek had died. I try to remember that he thought he was doing the right thing at the time.
‘How sad that she spent all this time thinking that he didn’t want to give their love another chance,’ says Tomas. He looks over to Albert, who turns away and stares into the distance.
‘What’s done is done,’ I remind him.
Tomas looks at Albert and back to me, then shrugs his shoulders.
‘I think Albert already knows he should have told her, Tomas.’
What happened to Marek is so awfully sad. But maybe it was for the best that Aunt Grace didn’t know the truth about how he died. She may have blamed herself for him trying to make extra money to get back to her, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that. Perhaps it is better to have an unrequited love after all. It seems she always carried that shred of hope that they might get reunited one day, and that is what kept her positive.
I turn back to some of the letters that Marek had opened, which mostly talk about the family again. They are all jumbled in dates and show the depth of the love they had for each other as their relationship grew. It is also clear to see they have been spending a lot of time on the phone when Aunt Grace apologises for the huge telephone bill Marek has received.
‘Oh look, here’s a letter that mentions you, Tomas,’ I say.
‘Really?’ Tomas shuffles closer to me on the sofa that we are sharing and leans in.
‘Wow, what does it say?’
‘Maybe you should read it?’
Tomas looks over the letter and smiles.
‘It says how lovely it was to speak to Marek on the phone, usual sort of things, and then she says: “ How wonderful that your nephew, Tomas, is starting university in the UK. What an opportunity for him. He sounds like he has a very good head on him. What a sensible, hard-working boy. ”’
‘I was a little older than some of the other students, but I took the chance as soon as I could. Maybe that’s why I was more sensible,’ laughs Tomas. Then he looks back at the letter and starts reading further.
‘I’m thrilled you told Tomas and the rest of your family about me. That’s so kind. I hope you understand that it is a bit different for me, having not lost Harry that long ago. People around here would think I was some kind of harlot and never forgive me for moving on so fast. I suppose it is easier for you, having never been married. It is so much simpler when there are no complications.’
‘I know what she means about complications ,’ says Tomas.
‘You, boy, make things difficult for yourself. In your heart you have the answer and know what you need to do,’ says Albert.
Albert gives Tomas a look as though he is warning a naughty child to behave. I can’t help but smile at how he treats Tomas even though he is a grown-up. I adore the relationship these two have together.
‘Stop it, Uncle,’ says Tomas, rather sheepishly. ‘Let me read the letter.’ He continues, ‘She then says that she would love to meet us and that I sound as enthusiastic about everything as Uncle Marek.’
‘Aww, it’s nice that Aunt Grace compares you with your uncle, Tomas,’ I say.
I certainly see the enthusiasm in him when he talks about the city he lives in and the love he has for Albert, even if they do bicker like an old married couple sometimes.
‘She’s right. Marek was always enthusiastic about everything. It’s what got him into trouble in the end. He never worried and always thought things would be okay,’ says Albert, looking slightly tearful.
‘Are you okay, Uncle?’ asks Tomas.
‘Yeah. I’m fine. You know, I’m tired. I think I’m going to have a lie-down.’
‘Do you not want to go through more of the letters?’
‘No, I need a rest. You two enjoy each other’s company. Make the most of each other,’ he says.
‘Oh, no, please, it’s only lunchtime. Won’t you have some lunch with us?’
‘I’m not as young as you two. I didn’t sleep well last night. Enjoy yourselves without an old man like me in the background.’
That’s the first time I’ve been called young in a long while.
‘Oh, please don’t say that. We love your company.’
Albert waves his hand as he makes his way to the bedroom, dismissing my comment.
‘See you in a bit.’
‘Maybe I should leave. I don’t want to disturb Albert if he’s trying to have a sleep.’
‘No. He likes his afternoon nap. Please stay, I’m sure he’d be happy to see you still here when he gets up.’
‘If you’re sure?’
‘I am. Now, how about a lunchtime glass of wine? It is still officially Christmas, after all.’
I feel reckless as I agree, thinking of all the alcohol I have already drunk this week, but, as Tomas insists, it is still officially Christmas. He pours us two large glasses of wine. I will definitely be detoxing when I get back home.
‘I’m so glad you extended your stay,’ says Tomas.
‘Thanks. Me too. I should be just about walking back into my house now, had I flown today. I can’t believe you managed to fix the hotel and flights up for me.’
‘Anything for you,’ smiles Tomas.
I don’t know where to look as he gazes at me.
‘You know, you have a very beautiful smile. I’m sure you’ve been told that many times.’
‘Well, no, not really. I don’t like the gap. You know, here.’ I point to the gap that separates my two front teeth.
‘I was so self-conscious of it when I was in school.’ I don’t know why I had to say that. Why could I not just say thank you instead of giving him too much information? ‘But anyway, that’s very kind of you to say. You have, umm, beautiful eyes… And hair.’
Now, it is Tomas’ turn to look embarrassed.
‘Well, thank you. I’m so glad we met. I can’t imagine if we’d never bumped into each other outside like we did. That would be sad.’
‘It would indeed, but I suppose we’d never have known what we were missing out on.’
‘That’s an awful thought,’ says Tomas.
He hands me my glass of that lovely Moravian wine, and I take a sip. I am definitely glad I met him, but I don’t let on quite how much.
Being so close, I can smell that musky scent he wears again. It reminds me of the day in the lift, and I am not complaining about being in such close proximity again today.
‘I really enjoy your company,’ he says.
I feel a flutter in my tummy. I wonder if I should hint that I find him utterly irresistible. Am I brave enough to let myself go that much?
There is no time to decide as Tomas gets closer and closer to me until, finally, our lips touch. His kiss is soft and tender. I hold my hand up to his cheek. His skin feels so smooth compared to Craig’s rugged complexion. I sit back and look at him. He is so incredibly handsome. Until now, I have tried not to acknowledge the beautiful, kind face he has, or those eyes and long eyelashes. I tried not to look at those defined arms that make me want him to hold me and keep me safe.
But before I can think any further about what I have tried so hard not to notice, Tomas moves his head away from me, and all my thoughts instantly shatter like a glittery glass Christmas bauble falling off the tree.
‘I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I have someone I need to speak to before I can do this; her name is Milena.’
I look at him, not knowing what to say. From the little titbits I have heard between Tomas and Albert, I assumed he wasn’t seeing her, or anyone else, for that matter. I get up from the sofa, desperately trying to remember where I left my handbag. I need to leave and am furious with myself for letting my guard down like that.
I fling cushions around until I find my bag. I throw it over my shoulder as the strap slips down over and over again. I am so annoyed that I brought the posh Christmas bag out with me today. I should have used my sturdy handbag that I take everywhere. I am not the sparkly person who carries a fancy Christmas bag. Who did I think I was trying to be? Living this romantic, adventurous trip, pretending to be someone I’m not. I am no Cinderella.
‘I’m so sorry. It’s just something I need to clear up,’ Tomas shouts after me.
I don’t want to listen to his apology and walk out of the door, slamming it shut. I forget that Albert is sleeping and am sorry that I could have woken him up, but I had to get out of there quickly.
As I go out into a freezing cold Prague, I just want to get back to my hotel.
Luckily, I remember the sign for the metro close to the apartment and run towards it. I ask for information and jump on the first metro heading in the direction of the town and make my way back. It is amazing what I can do when I am desperate to get out of somewhere.
While I walk towards the hotel, my phone bleeps, and I see that it is a message from Tomas. I read what he has to say for himself.
I like you so much, but I have to sort my life out first. I’m so, so
sorry.
Well, I’m sorry too. I am sorry I changed my travel plans because I was growing far too attached to a man that I obviously knew nothing about. It feels like some kind of Groundhog Day as Christmas is ruined by another man I trusted.