Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Alison could not believe what she was doing. Such were how desperate the times had become.
It was late in the evening, and with the storm finally coming to an end, she sneaked from her home and made her way to Lord Grayhill’s estate.
She did not know what she was going to say.
She did not know what he would say in return.
All she knew was that her mother had been correct, and that she owed it to herself to at least try.
And if he denies me, if he turns me away, at least then I will have my answer. Not the one I want, but one that might go some way toward healing me…
Those thoughts came as little comfort, just as they did little to warm her against the chill of the winter night.
Alison reached the front door and went to knock, only for the door to swing wide open. She gasped, expecting Daniel to be there, but it was Godfrey. He wore a coy smile and his eyes glimmered in the night.
“I was wondering when you would come,” he said as he opened the door further. “Or if you would.”
She hesitated. “Lord Grayhill…”
“Is in his office.” Godfrey stepped to the side to let her in. “He is not expecting you but if you want my advice…” He raised an eyebrow, and she nodded nervously. “Do not take no for an answer.”
Alison thought to thank him, but her tongue was thick in her mouth and every breath inside of her burned with anticipation.
She forced a smile instead, and Godfrey indicated toward the stairs.
They sat empty and dark, foreboding, as if trying to warn her off.
But Alison was done with being afraid, and she hurried up their length.
Down the empty halls she then walked. Each step creaked and cried out. She was certain that Daniel would hear and come to see what was the cause, but the further she walked, the emptier the halls seemed to grow.
Finally, she found herself outside his office door. It was closed but there was light coming from underneath. She paused at the door, her breath rattling, her body shaking, that voice in her head screaming at her to turn and run.
No… not until I have my answer.
So it was that she forced bravery to the fore and knocked once.
“Come in,” Daniel voice growled from the other side.
And Alison, with nothing to lose and everything to gain, opened the door and stepped inside.
“Godfrey, I told you I did not wish to be…” Daniel looked up from behind his desk and gasped when he saw Alison standing in the doorway. “Alison. What are you doing here?”
She hesitated at first, the shock of the moment finally catching up to her.
It had been only a few days, yet she had forgotten just how much she adored the man who sat mere feet away from her.
Yes, he was dark and brooding. Yes, he was severe and intimidating.
Yes, he was like a storm gathering over the ocean, fearsome and powerful and dangerous and best to be avoided. But he was so much more…
His eyes found her, and she found his. They met, softened, and she saw a flicker of what she knew to be hope pass behind them. He furrowed his brow and stiffened as if trying to warn her away… but a smile tugged at his lips, and she knew in that moment that she was doing the right thing.
He wants me to be here. He wanted me to come. I must believe that.
“We need to –”
“What are you doing here?” he asked again, leaning back as he spoke.
“What I must do.” She strode to the desk, her legs shaking so that she nearly collapsed. But she kept her eyes trained on Daniel, refusing to look away. “The only thing I can do. Daniel, before you say anything –”
“You should not be here.” He pushed back his chair, standing, and he grew taller and larger than she remembered. He towered over her, blocking out the flames that danced in the fireplace behind him so there was only shadow. “How did you get in?”
“That does not matter. Daniel, I --”
“Am making a grave mistake,” he hissed. But there was no force behind it, as if he were using words he did not want to speak. “Alison, please, before you say anything else, know that no good can come from you being here. None.”
“I do not believe that.”
“I do not care what you believe.” His brow furrowed but not with anger. She saw sadness in his eyes, as well as heard it in his voice. “You need to leave, now.”
“No,” she said. “Not until I speak to you.”
“We have nothing to say.”
“We do.” She continued to look at him, fire burning behind her eyes. “Before you say anything else, before you… you grab me and drag me from here, you must know. I… I need you to know.” Her stare turned pleading. “I… Daniel, I lo –”
“Stop!” he snarled… although it was more begging than an outright command. “Do not say it. Alison…” His expression was soft, almost scared. “Please, do not say it.”
“I love you,” she said, finally speaking the words that she had wanted to now for so long. “I love you, Daniel. I do. I have for some time – longer even than I am willing to admit. I love you, and before anything else happens, I needed you to know it.”
He looked down at her. A beat passed between them. “And?”
She blinked. “Excuse me?”
“And?” He straightened and fixed her with a scowl. “What is it exactly that you expect me to do with that information? What… is it that you expect of me?”
Alison stumbled back as if he had slapped her. Of all the reactions she had pictured, complete disinterest was not one of them. “I thought… I hoped that you would…”
“Alison…” His voice turned soft and as it did, he stepped around the desk. But he did not walk to her, hesitating at the corner as if he were afraid to get too close. “You know that I am set to leave here tomorrow. And that once I do, I will not return.”
“It does not have to be that way.”
“It does,” he said. “I know what you think you feel. I know what you imagine might happen – what you have dreamed or… or hoped for. But what you think you feel for me makes little difference.”
“No…” She shook her head as if it might batter away his words. “I love you, Daniel. Did you not hear me?”
“I heard you,” he said. “And there is nothing I can do.”
“But –”
“Why do you think I am leaving?” He took a step toward her. “Why do you think that I am running?” Another step and she shrank away. “There is no future here for me, Alison. There is no world where I stay and find happiness. I am not leaving because I want to, but because I have no choice.”
“You do have a choice,” she tried pathetically, her voice cracking. She tried to meet his eyes again, but she could not do it. It was as if a veil had fallen between them, blocking her vision. “You… you can stay and –”
“I cannot.”
Each word spoken was like a dagger through her chest. She winced and leaned back. She half-turned to flee. A sickness grew inside of her that she wanted to let out… or to let consume her because the world started to collapse and she would have loved nothing more than to be buried by it.
“You are kind,” he said, his voice turning soft. “You are a pure soul… perhaps the most wonderful person I know. And what you deserve is a man who can give you everything. A man who treats you as you need to be treated.”
“That’s you,” she tried weakly. “You, Daniel. You are the only person who has ever…” She sniffed as her throat began to close. “Who has ever seen me. Who has treated me with anything close to –”
“I did what I had to,” he said. “It does not make me a hero. And it does not make me worthy of your love.”
“Tell me…” It took all the power she had to look at him. Her chin wobbled. Tears welled. And when she saw his eyes, how sad they were, how devoid of the fire that so often burned in them, she wanted to weep. “Do you love me too?”
He sighed and shook his head. “I am set to leave tomorrow, and nothing will change that. I am so sorry, Alison. You have no idea how much.”
“No…” The dagger in her chest twisted and she reeled back.
“Please…” He reached out, wiping a tear from her cheek. “Do not waste tears on my account. Believe me, I am not worth them.”
“You are.”
“No, I am not.”
He was standing over her suddenly. One hand still rested on her cheek, the other somehow found her waist. She sniffed back the tears and found his eyes one final time. She wanted him to see how much he had hurt her… and how much she loved him. Despite his rejection, that would not change.
Alison could not say how it happened.
In that moment, she was not inside her own body. It was as if she watched from afar, a means to separate herself from the pain. And as she watched, Daniel stepped into her, leaned down, and kissed her full on the lips.
It was a soft kiss. It was a kiss that spoke of finality. Their tongues did not lap. Their beating hearts did not match. They did not meld together, becoming one, forgetting the world around them as if that kiss were all which mattered.
It was, for all intents and purposes, a kiss that said goodbye.
Alison held it for as long as she could. She felt Daniel’s lips, she breathed him in, she reached for him as if she meant never to let go. But her hands did not find him, unable to grasp on because he refused to let her.
When he pulled back, she stumbled and started to weep. Then she turned her back on him, knowing that the kiss was the last thing she would have to remember him by.
“You should go,” he spoke softly. “Please, Alison. Go and…” He swallowed. “And forget me. I promise, it is for the best.”
Alison did not remember leaving his office.
She did not remember the walk home. Just as she did not remember crawling into bed. All she remembered was that final kiss, and it stayed on her lips and pierced her through the heart as she pulled the blankets over herself and wept and wept and wept.
Daniel was gone. He did not love her. And once again, she was alone.