Chapter 35
Analise tapped her fingers gently on the bar.
She was barefoot, wearing the man’s shirt she used as a nightdress, her legs exposed to the chilly air.
She wasn’t cold though. Her insides had been burning since she woke after freeing John and discovered a certain blond-haired man had sat by her bed for days.
It was foreign to feel protected. She had no idea how to navigate the complexity of that emotion. She'd spent the years since leaving the convent languishing in death because it made the most sense to her. It felt right, natural, but not anymore.
Somewhere along this journey, Analise decided to embrace humanity and acknowledge the flaws that came with it as not failures, but as part of being human.
People made mistakes, and they had to live with the consequences of those mistakes.
She’d made enough mistakes of her own, had enough imperfections in her character, that she had no right to judge another.
Yet, she had judged Ezra, an instinctive reaction because she couldn’t hide what she was from him.
She’d been unfair, cruel. And she wasn’t sure what to do next, afraid of what she felt for him because it was new, and although she was learning new didn’t equal bad, it was still difficult to decide what to do.
It was the middle of the night and the only light came from the lamp outside the windows. Ezra wandered down the stairs, blinking and shirtless. He started when he saw her there, clearing his throat, and rubbing the back of his neck.
‘Ezra,’ Analise began.
‘I’m glad you’re up,’ he said, strolling behind the bar and fetching himself a glass of water.
‘I need to say something,’ she blurted.
He turned back to her, the bar a barrier between them she was glad of and hated at the same time.
‘I don’t hate you,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t think I ever did.’
‘Why?’ It was the question she would ask if their positions were reversed. She didn’t blame him for being wary.
‘Because it’s not your fault. I wasn’t truthful with you, either—I didn’t tell you what I was. You knew, anyway, but …’
Ezra reached for her hand. She let him take it, weaving her fingers through his, smiling as he brushed his thumb over the back of her knuckles gently.
Warmth settled in her stomach.
‘Do you want to try the experiment?’
His spare hand lifted to his shoulder, where the demon mark was. ‘Do you?’
‘I’m terrified it will go wrong.’
‘It won’t,’ he said confidently.
‘How can you be so sure?’
He grinned, a sly, smug grin that meant he was going to say something wildly inappropriate. But that was Ezra’s way of coping. ‘Because you’d never find someone else who could make you come three times in one night.’
Analise laughed. ‘I’m certain I wouldn’t.’ She slipped her hand free and stood, stretching and smothering a yawn. ‘I need to go back to bed. You should probably get some sleep as well. I want to see Charles in the morning—there is something I need to ask him.’
Ezra fiddled with his glass. ‘Sleep well.’
She paused at the end of the bar, watching him, her heart suddenly in her throat. She swallowed and licked her lips, nerves rippling through her. ‘Are you coming?’
‘You want me…’
‘Just sleep, Ez. I really am tired.’
The following morning, they had breakfast together, sitting near the window, as if nothing in the world had changed. As if she hadn’t agreed to end his life in the hope she could give it back to him.
Charles’ eyes widened when Analise told him that she’d agreed.
‘Will it hurt him?’ she asked quietly; beside her, Ezra made a noise.
‘No,’ the alchemist said gently. ‘It will be like going to sleep.’ He turned to Ezra, who was watching Analise closely.
‘Despite that, the human body doesn’t want to die.
Even though you’ve chosen this, you’ll most likely fight it instinctively.
We will have to strap you down. It will be for your safety, and for hers. ’
Ezra fingered his chin. ‘Where will I go for those two minutes?’
‘I don’t know,’ Charles said. ‘When you get back, perhaps you can tell me.’
Analise was scared of sleeping, worried about what she’d see in her dreams. But she pushed that fear and that beautiful smiling face aside. She needed to stay focused.
Tomorrow, she was going to kill a man. And not just any man, but one she cared about, more than she’d ever cared about anyone.
He was in her bed, where he’d ended up again, without consultation or any discussion.
It felt right to have him there, to curl up beside him and tuck her face against the heat of his skin, but sleep wouldn’t come.
Analise didn’t want to disturb him, so she slipped out of bed and reached for her coat. She made it as far as the door when he spoke.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I can’t sleep,’ she mumbled.
‘Me either,’ he said. ‘Come back here.’
She returned to bed, but didn’t lie down. Ezra reached for her hand in the darkness. Neither of them spoke. The energy between them was like those few precarious seconds before lightning illuminated the world during a storm. Her racing heart threatened to swallow her.
‘I need to kiss you,’ Ezra said eventually.
‘I need you to kiss me.’
He sat up, moving closer, until his mouth ghosted over hers, gentle, oddly hesitant.
Sparks shot through her; Analise pressed her mouth to his.
He kissed her for what felt like forever, his hands in her hair, on her face, her arms, her back.
He kissed her softly, as if he knew that she needed the comfort. As if he needed it as well.
Something within her cracked and shifted when his arms tightened around her, his fingers digging into the muscles on her back as he pulled her closer, lifting her into his lap, his kiss deepening until he broke away with a little groan.
His breathing was ragged, his blood thundering in her ear.
She ran her hands along his spine, listening to his breath hitch.
She was on fire and her heart was about to explode.
‘Ez …’
‘In case you weren’t aware, you can have me whenever you want me,’ he said.
Analise swallowed. ‘I’m aware.’
She shifted off him and lay down with a heavy sigh; he stretched out beside her, pulling the blankets over them. ‘What if I mess it up?’
‘You won’t, but, if it goes wrong, then I die on my terms—not his.
’ His hand rested on her stomach, heavy and warm.
He kissed her again, gently at first, then hungrily, fingers brushing the underside of her breast as his lips trailed over her throat.
Analise bit her lip as he rolled her nipple between his fingers.
‘Not tonight,’ she whispered.
‘Denying a man his dying wish? That’s not very charitable,’ Ezra murmured. He propped himself on his elbow. ‘The nuns would be bitterly disappointed in you.’
Analise snorted. ‘The nuns would be disappointed with a lot of what I’ve done since I left the convent.’
‘Oh? What’s the worst thing you’ve done?’
‘Picked up a random blond-haired man in a pub.’
‘Right. Walked into that one, didn’t I?’ He sighed dramatically. ‘So, what’s the best thing?’
‘Picked up a random blond-haired man in a pub.’
Ezra swallowed audibly, then kissed her gently, his hand inching down her body.
‘I’m still not sleeping with you,’ she murmured against his lips.
His head dropped into the crook of her neck. ‘Cruel.’
Laughing, Analise slid her hand down his chest, fingers toying with the waistband of his trousers, making him growl a warning. ‘There is something I can give you, I suppose.’
‘Oh?’
‘I haven’t yet returned the favour.’
She felt his smile against her skin.
‘I guess I can live with that,’ Ezra mumbled, nipping at her earlobe. He pulled away and lay on his back, linking his hands behind his head. ‘I’m all yours.’
Analise sat up, peeling back the sheet. She didn’t usually do this—it was too intimate in some way, but now, she wanted to.
Ezra’s eyes were fixed on her, and despite his casual posture and his smirk, his breathing was short and sharp.
‘As you’re such a hands-on kind of man, I thought you might like to be involved,’ she said.
‘What are you asking here?’
She leant forward and kissed him, running the tip of her tongue over his bottom lip. ‘You start the show, and I’ll finish it.’
He groaned, unlinking his hands so he could catch hold of her face and kiss her deeply, his tongue sweeping against hers. ‘You will definitely be the death of me,’ he whispered against her lips.
She climbed out of bed and lit the lamp.‘I want to see your eyes,’ she said. ‘Don’t close them.’
Ezra bit his lip. ‘Is that an order?’
‘Yes. Keep your eyes on me.’
He exhaled sharply. ‘As you wish.’
Watching the way his eyes darkened, the way his face changed, his expression shifting into something close to pain was the most intimate experience of Analise’s life.
She didn’t look away from him, couldn't even if she'd wanted to—she wasn't even sure she blinked.
For Ezra, who hid behind jokes and fake smiles, to allow himself to be stripped so bare, to be so openly vulnerable, trusting, shook her to the core.
‘If this is going to be a joint production, you should probably get involved,’ he managed. ‘I don’t know how much more I can handle with you sitting there watching me.’
She kissed him, then kissed her way down his body.
His hand shifted to her hair, leaving himself completely at her mercy.
Analise flicked her tongue over him; his fingers tightened in her hair and his hips bucked.
She teased him for a bit, then closed her mouth around him.
The groan that left his throat made her insides melt.
She was hyper aware of every sound he made, every flex of his fingers against her scalp, the way his muscles contracted.
‘Analise, I can’t …’
She pulled away and finished him with her hand as his back arched off the bed and a shudder tore through him.
With his head thrown back, chest heaving and mouth open, he was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.