Chapter 35 #2
I started rocking. “I can’t explain my heart.
Like, I know I don’t want to lose Carter.
Just the thought of him with someone else physically hurts.
When you mentioned Chelsea and a baby, for a second, my heart stopped .
.. praying Carter didn’t have a child with her, and that’s his secret.
I don't understand why I still want Grey when I love my husband.”
“People love more than one person all the time.”
“I don’t want to. It's how I got into this mess in the first place. I have twins with two different fathers, Danielle, and I hate thinking of him at the oddest times and wanting to call him. To see him again.”
“Shh...Look at it this way. You’re only consumed with Grey because you just saw him. In time, he’ll fade away again.”
I closed my eyes and admitted, “He’s never faded away. I just learned to live without him.”
“If you married Grey, would you think about Carter?”
“I’ve asked myself that a thousand times, and I honestly don’t know.
Maybe if I’d married Grey years ago, Carter would only be a passing thought.
After eight years, Carter’s a part of me.
This life we’ve built, we did together.” Suddenly, my voice cracked, and I fought back the swelling of my eyes.
“Think he’s cheating or has cheated on me. ”
Silence filled the space between our phones.
I curved into a ball and whispered, “Do you know something?”
“Why do you think that?”
“I don’t know. You got quiet. Maybe you saw something when you visited us for the Fourth. He’d been distant and coming home late. Lipstick on his collar and smelling like a different soap than I'm used to.”
“I don’t know what to say. Guess I'm surprised. I like to think of you and Carter, like Mama and Daddy. Did you ask Carter?”
“He deflects or gets annoyed...Tells me I don’t trust him whenever I ask where he’s been. I’ve never asked him directly.”
She sighed, “Let’s say he is cheating or has. What happens next?
I promptly replied, “Leave his ass.”
“Easier said than done, Darren, and you’re speaking off pure emotion.
You have children with him and a life you created.
Until you know exactly what your plans are - if he is cheating - leave it alone.
Why put yourself through the drama and anguish of knowing he cheated if you’re only going to stay in the end?
Stay ignorant and blissful or find out and leave. ”
“Because we said we would always be honest with each other.”
“Yet, you won’t tell Grey, who you were always honest with, that you have his baby,” she reminded me.
“That’s different,” I hotly defended.
“The lies are different. The reason is the same. Carter doesn’t want to lose you or his family because of an indiscretion.
Like you don’t want Grey to know because you’re afraid of losing Carter and your family.
Maybe Grey is appealing because you’re not sure of Carter.
Grey was your rock way before Carter. If you and Carter were strong as you had been, Grey wouldn’t matter. ”
I rolled on my back and smiled. “And this is why I call you. You make my life make sense. I'm just missing the way it was with Carter and me.” I wiped my eyes and sniffed. “Sorry, I didn’t ask about you...How are you and Von?”
“Let’s just say we’re in the valley of our marriage, which is why I’m advising you how I am. He's already gone to the office, so I can freely talk.”
Stunned, I popped up in my bed. “Don’t say that. I love Von.” I adored her husband, who’d been her college boyfriend and treated me like a sister from the first moment we met.
“Not more than me.” She chuckled sadly. “This whole trying to have a baby and these hormones in my body got me twisted, and I accused him of cheating. He felt guilty and admitted he did, but it happened during our first year of marriage. We’ve been married for almost 10 years, and most of it has been good.
Do I throw it away for an incident that happened years ago?
Or do I threaten him with his life if he fucks up again and stay with him?
Then I wonder if I can trust him not to cheat on me again because I had no clue that he’d ever stepped out.
I always thought I would know. That my Spidey senses would smell another woman. ”
“Well, my Spidey senses scream Carter has had women...or at least one.”
“He’s a hot NFL star known for being reserved and into his family. Women love that shit. He’s their biggest challenge. See who’s the first to make him break his vows. If now is the only time you believe he’s stepped out, count your blessings.”
“If I keep looking the other way, he’ll keep doing it.”
“All I’m saying is have a conversation where you remind him what he doesn’t want to lose. I’ve been around the two of you. He loves you and those babies.”
I looked up at the large family portrait hanging directly across the bed.
Elle and Ethyn had the biggest smiles with missing teeth.
Carter and I stood behind them, my head leaning on his shoulder while his hands were on Ethyn’s shoulders.
We’d taken pictures in our backyard, and this was our favorite.
We were a beautiful family of varying shades of chocolate, and we were happy when this picture was taken.
We placed the portrait in front of our bed so that our family was the first and last thing we saw each day.
Being with Grey meant the end of that family on the wall, and I couldn't allow that. “My family is everything. And I love you and Von together. Figure it out and stay. I just think the pressure of having a baby is getting to both of you. If there’s anything I can do to help. Get better doctors if you want. Don’t let pride get in the way.
We have the money for the best fertility.
Wherever you need to go for treatment, we got you. "
Danielle sighed, “You and Carter have given me the world already. Von and I will be fine eventually, whether or not we have a baby. We’re in it for life because our hills are so much better than the valleys. Remember that, okay?”
“Mama, get up. You going to make us late,” Elle yelled on the other side of the door.
“Shit...shit, I forgot I got to get these children ready. Talk to you soon. Love you.”
“Yeah. Love you. Tell my niece to stop being so loud.”
“That’s a waste of time. She takes after you.” I laughed, clicked off the phone, and threw off the covers. Ready to begin my day. I would push my doubts about my marriage and my thoughts of Grey to the back of my mind.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t always honor our wishes...