Chapter 16
“C aroline, do you ever wonder who you are?”
Seated across the ornate, wrought-iron table, Hannah’s friend stared at her in bewildered silence. They were in the garden of Carrick House, a bevy of refreshments set out, but Hannah did not touch them as she waited for Caroline’s reply.
“I can honestly say no,” Caroline finally answered, “Because I do not understand the question.”
That drew a reluctant chuckle from Hannah. “Do you ever wonder whether your thoughts and actions are genuinely your own or if they are influenced by others?”
“Ah,” Caroline said with a nod of understanding. “Then no, I do not wonder that, but it is because I already know the answer. I am absolutely influenced by others.”
Now Hannah was the one blinking in confusion. She had not expected such a confident answer to be in the affirmative.
“And that does not upset you?”
“Of course not,” Caroline said, her tone suggesting Hannah was ridiculous for even asking. “Why would it?”
“Because you are trying to be someone you are not in order to please others. You have hidden your true self beneath that fake persona without even knowing it.”
Caroline frowned. “Oh no, dear. You have the wrong of it. I know I am doing it. I behave in the way society expects me to because it makes the world much easier to navigate. I am still my true self behind closed doors, with trusted friends and family.” Caroline patted Hannah’s hand to emphasize that she was counted among that group. “What has brought on such questions?”
How was she to explain the undercurrent of confusion that had been inside her for days now? She felt as if she was in a different body, no longer herself, no longer comfortable, in a world she did not know.
No, that was not true. She knew this world. It was the same world as it had always been.
The world had not changed. She was the one who changed.
“For most of my life, I believed I would be happy living my life in the country. I believed that I loved being at Cosburn Park and attending the simple village events. Then I came to London and experienced city life, with all its lavish events and marvels—I love them so much more than I ever loved Cosburn Park. I thought I loved the country because it was the life I was supposed to live, but now I know that was a lie. Everything I’ve ever known has been a lie.”
“This is what has put you through such a crisis of conscience?” Caroline shook her head in exasperation. “You have too active an imagination and it drives you to dramatics. Loving life in Town does not mean that your love for the country is a lie, Hannah. You loved living at Cosburn Park and you loved the simple village events. None of that was ever a lie. You also love living here in Town and all its entertainments. You can love more than one thing. It does not fundamentally change any part of you because you love both.”
Hannah knew she was not being properly understood. “It is more than simply liking where I live. It is about every aspect of myself. I do not know the difference between who I genuinely am and who I think others want me to be. I am scared that I do not have a true self! That I am merely a mirror that reflects what others want!”
Her distress was obvious enough to alarm Caroline, whose face turned serious as she reached for Hannah’s hand. “What has brought this about?”
“The letters,” Hannah answered. “And Simon. And myself.”
The corner of Caroline’s mouth pulled up in a small smile. “Quite a few reasons and all vastly different.”
Hannah shrugged. “I can promise they are all connected.”
“Then please do explain it to me.”
“Reading the Officer’s letters to Penelope has made me truly reflect on my beliefs. The Officer loved Penelope and yet she married Henry Mortimer. I had always thought love to be fated. Certain people were destined to be together, and that was simply that. But if the Officer could love Penelope so fiercely while she loved someone else, then Fate does not determine love.”
Her belief in Fate and soulmates shaped so much of her understanding of the world. Now that she was losing faith, the world was shifting beneath her feet and she did not know where to stand.
“I have told you the same more than once when you would speak of soulmates,” Caroline said with a wry twist of her mouth, “Yet it takes letters from a stranger to convince you.”
“Oh, do not be petty,” Hannah chastised with a laugh.
“Very well. But I still do not understand how this has caused you such distress. The existence of free will seems a positive to me.”
Now, how to explain to the sister of one’s deceased fiancé that another man had introduced such passion and pleasure that one had been transformed?
“That now brings us to the matter of Simon. He has shown me a world I did not know existed. Marriage to him has been transformative,” Hannah said. “And as for myself, he has made me question who I truly am. I spent so much time fantasizing about my future and planning it to be just so. I shaped myself to fit that future, but then the fantasy was shattered. Now I am struggling to discover who I truly am.”
Caroline settled back and regarded her with a serious eye and for a moment Hannah worried that her friend might declare her mad and ring for a physician to examine her.
“It is unfortunate that I must be the one to confront you with the truth. Of everyone in your life, I am considered the most flighty and ridiculous. I should not be handling such a serious subject, but here we are, and needs must,” Caroline said, although Hannah expected her words were directed more to herself than Hannah. “Have you considered why you are having these thoughts now?”
“It is as I said. Moving to London has opened my eyes.”
“It is not London, Hannah,” Caroline said with a sigh. “You are feeling this way out of guilt for moving on from John.”
Hannah’s jaw dropped, and she instantly waved away Caroline’s words. “That makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense. Your dream with the storm and the game in the nursery. Your obsession with those letters and their love triangle. Now you have yourself believing you are a completely different person and your previous life was a lie simply because you are happy in your new life. All of it is your way of coping with the fact that you are falling in love with Simon.”
“Have you been speaking with Lady Mount?” Hannah demanded, her voice carrying more heat than even she expected.
“No,” Caroline replied cautiously. “Why would you ask that?”
“She said Simon and I are in love. That you are now saying the same thing to me couldn’t be a coincidence.”
Caroline sat back in her chair, huffing with annoyance.
“No, it is not a coincidence, but I can assure you I have never even met Lady Mount, let alone spoken to her about you and Simon.” Caroline crossed her arms defiantly over her chest. “Now, if we have never met, but both of us believe you and Simon are in love with one another, whatever could that possibly mean, Hannah?”
“Don’t be daft, Caroline!” Hannah sputtered out. “Simon and I are not in love!”
Her disbelief was not because the idea of falling in love with Simon was a preposterous idea on the whole. There were hundreds of reasons why any woman could fall in love with Simon. He was kind and caring and handsome and charming and honourable. So very many wonderful qualities any woman would love. Why, it was likely many women had fallen in love with him over the years.
No, a woman loving Simon was not unbelievable. But that she herself was in love with him? No, that was a silly idea.
And even sillier to think Simon could be in love with her.
Why, they had known one another almost their entire lives.
Nearly as long as you knew John, yet you fell in love with him.
But Simon had only ever seen her as an annoying younger sibling. Or at least he had, once upon a time.
Much had changed between them now that they were both grown and married to one another. After all, one does not share the intimacies she and Simon had shared with annoying younger siblings.
No, it could not be possible.
She was not in love with Simon. John had always had her whole heart. She could love no one else but him.
In fact, she had pledged that very thing, gripping John’s cold and stiff hand for the final time. She had promised to mourn the wonderful man he had been for the rest of her life, her heart eternally broken as a way to honour his life that was cut much too short.
Loving anyone else was impossible for her.
Caroline’s defiant posture relaxed, empathy filling her eyes as she offered Hannah a reassuring smile. “You do not need to feel guilty that you fell in love with another man, Hannah. John would never want you to spend the rest of your life mourning him. He would want you to live and fall in love again and be happy.”
Yes, John had always wished for her happiness. He was a good man. He would never resent her for moving on. Yet that did not change that she did not believe she was capable of moving on.
Or perhaps it was that the Hannah she had been when she lost John could not move on. That Hannah had defined herself by her future with John. Everything about the life she thought she would live revolved around him. She had made herself a supporting player and John the star of her life.
It should not be that way, yet that revelation had never come to her in all the years she was alone at Cosburn Park. It had only come when she married Simon.
No, that was not quite true. It came long after she married Simon, only when she had made amends with him, and they were happy together.
But it could not be because she had fallen in love with him. Could it?
Hannah, you are doing exactly what you did before!
Once again, she was letting a man define herself and her heart. It would be so easy to simply declare herself in love with the man she was married to and devote herself to being exactly what he wanted.
And now she understood why Simon had left. He was much wiser than her. He had seen she would do just that, and he had given her the space she needed to discover her authentic self, free from outside influence.
Caroline simply did not understand. She had been right that she should not have been the one to handle such a serious topic. Caroline had no experience in the realm of love and so she was mistaken in her assessment.
As for Lady Mount, well, she was quite old and age was never kind to the mind.
Hannah was not in love with Simon, and he was not in love with her. He could not be.
After all, he had left her here alone when she was struggling the most to discover herself. Could love be there if he had deserted her in her time of need?
No, that was not fair to him. His intention had been noble at heart. He had done it precisely so she would discover herself all on her own and be certain of her genuine self.
But is that not a sign of love?
This was too much to consider right now. Not when she no longer knew who she was and her world was so upended. She would put such thoughts aside until she was feeling steadier.
Although, as Caroline was watching her intently after her revelations, her friend obviously expected a response.
“Thank you for your honesty, Caroline,” Hannah said.
Caroline frowned. “‘Thank you.’ That is all you have to say?”
“You are right. John would want me to be happy.”
That only deepened her frown, but the arrival of the Viscountess Carrick saved Hannah from further interrogation.
“Oh, Hannah, I am happy to find you still here.” Lady Carrick held up a card. “We have received an invitation to dine with Lady Mount on Friday. I assume the invitation is because of you.”
“It is. Lady Mount helped me discover the recipient of the mystery letters,” Hannah said. Lady Carrick had heard all about the letters from Hannah and Caroline as they discussed them during their outings and calls. “Miss Penelope Layton. Or that was her name when the letters were written. She eventually became Mrs. Mortimer and is now Mrs. Selkirk. Lady Mount is hosting the dinner so that we can meet Mrs. Selkirk. I am hoping I will have the opportunity to return the letters to her.”
“How thoughtful of Lady Mount to include us in the invitation,” Lady Carrick said.
“Indeed. I would not want to miss the final act of the story. I hate not having an ending, whether it be to a story or a conversation ,” Caroline said pointedly to Hannah.
As she was not ready to continue any conversation about her feelings, now was the perfect time to make her exit.
Hannah stood up and smiled at Lady Carrick. “I do look forward to seeing you both at the dinner. I must be off now, as I have more calls to make. Good day, Lady Carrick. Caroline.”
Caroline pursed her lips in anger, staring daggers at her, but Hannah turned her back and fled the garden.
She had thought her visit with her friend would have settled the emotional turmoil that had plagued her, but it was only worse now. Why did she ever think she needed to investigate the mystery of her own feelings?
It was not a mystery she wanted to solve right now, as she did not know if she would like the answer. She was better off focusing on the other mystery in her life.
Penelope had married, became a widow, married again, and lived a whole life after the letters were written. Had she forgotten they ever existed? Had she not wanted them to exist? Why had she hidden them away? Had she seen the Officer since? Did she know what happened to him? Had his broken heart ever healed? Was he able to love again?
Yes, many mysteries vied for her attention, and thankfully none of them presented the risk of drastically altering the course of her own life.
***
Simon was exhausted when his carriage arrived in Hanover Square. He had made the journey from Yorkshire in record time by refusing to stop for longer than it had taken to change out the horses. While it had resulted in him shaving a full day’s worth of travel from the journey, it also meant he had not had a proper wash up or change of clothes in three days.
Eager as he was to speak with Hannah, he could not come to her reeking of sweat, horses, and cold oil from the fried bread he had eaten for breakfast.
Fortunately, Bailey informed him that Mrs. Langley was out of the house, visiting the Park with Lady Rothsay. Simon requested a hot bath be prepared and headed upstairs to his dressing room. His valet gave him a disapproving look, as if to say he expected such a disaster when Simon did not have him accompany him to Yorkshire.
“Spare me the lecture,” Simon said. “You would not have appreciated the economical travel on the return trip.”
The valet gave a conceding nod as he prepared the shaving basin and said nothing further as he shaved him.
It felt good to rid himself of both his whiskers and his limp clothes and sink into the steaming water in the copper tub. He basked in the warmth for a moment before he went to work scrubbing himself down.
He had spent most of his journey trying to figure out what to say to Hannah when he saw her again, yet after all those miles, he still had no earthly idea what to say.
He owed her the truth, but where should he begin?
The door burst open, startling him, his flailing limbs splashing water onto the floor. His valet’s mood was unlikely to improve when he saw the soaked floor.
But that was something to consider later as Hannah flew into the dressing room.
“Bailey said you returned, but I did not believe it! I did not expect you back for weeks yet!”
She did not mean it as a complaint with the way she was smiling at him, and he smiled back.
“The mill business took much less time than I thought.”
“Oh, this is wonderful!” she said with an enthusiastic clap of her hands. “There is a dinner tonight at Lady Mount’s. Will you come?”
Although exhausted, her eagerness made it impossible to refuse. “Yes, of course I will come.”
“So much has happened since you left!” She looked around the small room, spotting the foot stool and dragged it over so she could sit next to the tub. “We discovered who P is! Her name was Penelope Layton. Now Selkirk. Mortimer before that. It is complicated, but suffice it to say, she will be at the dinner tonight.”
“I am looking forward to meeting her.”
She smiled brightly at him and he could not help but be captivated by how lovely she was sitting before him.
He had missed her sunny disposition and giddy excitement. Looking at her now, he knew he did not need a prepared speech for her. He needed only to speak to her from the heart.
“Hannah, there is something important I wanted to speak to you about, if you have the time.”
“Of course,” she replied, gesturing for him to begin.
He had not expected this conversation to happen while he was in the bath. It would be better when he was dry. And dressed.
“I should get out of the bath first, lest I become waterlogged.”
“Yes, of course.” He waited for her to leave the dressing room, but she remained perched on the footstool. When he did not move, she smirked. “Are you too shy to be nude in front of your wife?”
A little .
Yet he had too much pride to give in to her teasing, so he hauled himself out of the water. Her eyes lingered on his form, the water slicking his skin, each ripple a fleeting caress. She sat so low that she was eye-level with his cock, which made it jump to attention under such welcomed scrutiny. Her smirk transformed into a slow, predatory smile, a silent appreciation that sent shivers down his spine.
Her gaze lifted to meet his, those sapphire eyes dark with lust. How was he expected to tell her his feelings when he was naked and she was looking at him like that?
She licked her lips, and any thought of serious conversations fled.
He stepped out of the tub, but instead of reaching for the flannel towel, he dropped to his knees before Hannah and kissed her.
Lord, he had missed her. Her voice, her smell, her touch, her taste. Every single part of her had left a void in his life.
He urged Hannah to lie back on the floor, covering her body with his own, needing to feel every inch of her beneath him. He could not get enough of her. The taste of her tongue stroking his own. The feel of her heart thumping beneath the breast he palmed. The sounds of pleasure she made when his hand freed her breast and his thumb stroked her nipple.
As he kissed a fiery trail down her neck to her bared breast, his hands worked on gathering up her skirts. His fingers finally brushed warm curls, then heated folds that were already wet and swollen with desire. He spread her legs, pulling them up to wrap around his waist and his cock nestled against her sex, both of them gasping at the contact.
He circled his tongue around her stiff nipple as his cock stroked along her cleft, teasing at her swollen sex. Her hand fisted in his hair as she arched into him.
“Please, Simon,” she panted out. “I need you inside.”
God, he wanted that too. He lined himself up to her centre and sank deep.
It was absolutely perfect. She clung to him, every part of her wrapped around him, her fingers digging into his shoulders, her thighs cradling his waist, her walls fluttering around his length.
He began to move, Hannah quickly finding the rhythm with him, the dressing room filling with the sound of their panting breaths and the smacking of wet flesh coming together. He was already so close. He needed her to join him.
He dropped a hand to where they were joined, his thumb finding that swollen bud. Hannah let out a cry at the contact, her head tossed back and her breast thrust out so he could bend his head and captured her hard nipple in his mouth. He sucked at her in time with his thrusts, his thumb circling intently.
Her release came upon her hard and fast, her core clamping down on him, giving him leave to join her as he spilled inside her. He continued his thrusts, slow and shallow, milking a few final moments of pleasure as she happily hummed in his ear.
“I am happy to have you back. I missed you.”
He grinned and rolled onto his back, keeping his arms around her so she was now splayed on top of him. It did a man good to hear that he had been missed.
“I missed you too,” he said. “And I promise that I have no plans to leave you again.”
“Good.” She settled her head on his chest. “I know it may be a sore subject, but between marrying Lord Lansdowne or you, I am so very glad it was you.”
“I am glad it was me, too.”
She laughed. “When we first married, if I told you that you would one day say such a thing, you would not have believed me.”
“Likely not. I was furious with you then.”
Her hand curled into a fist on his chest as the rest of her body tensed. “Simon, I apolog—”
“No apologies,” he interrupted, knowing this was his moment to confess and if he let her speak, he would never get it out. “You do not know the true reason why I was so angry. I was angry because I would have to marry the woman I had been in love with for years.”
She tried to sit up, but he kept a gentle hand on her to keep her in place. He could not do this if she was looking him in the eye.
“You are a magnificent woman, Hannah. You offered me the comfort I needed after my parents died and I think I have been half in love with you since then. You were my friend and confidant, closer to me than anyone else has ever been.” Emotion caught in his throat and he had to swallow twice before he could continue. “But then we grew up, and you fell in love with John. I knew I had no chance when I saw you together. I was determined that my feelings would be a secret I took to my grave, even after John died.”
She tensed in his arms at the mention of John’s death.
“I need you to know I never once rejoiced in John’s death,” he explained quickly. “I might have envied him for having your heart, but he was my friend as well. I mourned him as I would any friend. I mourned for you as well. I saw how much it hurt you to lose John. It hurt me to see you hurt because I loved you so much.”
Her hand uncurled from a fist, fingers spreading out over his heart, which only made it pound harder.
“I did my best to support you after his death, but when you made it clear you would mourn John forever, I knew I needed to stay away. Unrequited love takes its toll on the spirit.”
He sighed. “Then our marriage happened, and I saw my every day becoming a torture. That was why I was so angry. And it has been torture, because every time we are together, the hope inside me grows. When you fall asleep in my arms. When you think to bring me back sugar plums from your visits to the shops. When we rate the performances on the carriage ride home from the theatre. When we sit together on our quiet evenings at home and you stroke my hair as I read to you. It gives me hope, Hannah. Hope that has somehow survived all these years, but I cannot live on hope for much longer. I need to know the truth. I need to know if you love me.”
He was nearly out of breath from his speech, due to the speed he had spat it out and the fact that his heart was pounding in his chest. She was certain to hear its frantic beating with her head pressed against his chest. Had she even heard his speech over the thunderous beat?
“I do not know what to say.”
Evidently, she had heard him well enough that her first words were a way to buy herself time to phrase what she was about to say just right.
Which meant he would not like her answer.
Which was an answer itself.
“You do not need to say anything. It was unfair of me to burden you with this.”
“No, Simon, it is not—”
His hold on her changed from keeping her close to nudging off of him so he could stand and pull on his banyan. He could not meet her eyes, his gaze instead on the damp splotches his wet body had left on her dress.
“You do not need to explain, Hannah. Please forget I said anything.”
With that, he fled from the dressing room and into his bedchamber, turning the lock so she would not follow. He did not need to hear whatever placating words she wanted to give him.
He simply wanted to forget that any of this had happened.