Chapter 12 Tanner
TANNER
The holiday season was officially upon us.
You couldn’t watch TV without being bombarded by commercials featuring Santa and his elves hawking amazing deals.
Seaside towns sold ornaments of starfish and mermaids tangled in holiday lights, and every store was jam-packed with must-have items, like gift tags, bows, paper goods, and cinnamon-scented candles.
Naturally, Christmas Town outdid them all. The biggest tree in the West was a beacon, delighting awe-struck tourists who stopped at the bottom of the hill to take photos before venturing onto the bustling Holiday Lane where lights crisscrossed from end to end.
Phoebe and I talked Axel into taking a trip to see the holiday hullabaloo.
We clandestinely purchased a few books for Phee from Moody’s Marvelous Bah-Humbug Bookstore, perused the toy store, and admired the gingerbread houses on display from the annual contest held for charity at Vicki’s Cantina while chowing down on her chicken noodle soup.
This was my second visit to Christmas Town with Axe and Phee, but this time, we were something more than friends and coworkers.
We didn’t hold hands or kiss under the mistletoe in front of Donner’s Diner, but we didn’t hide either.
Folks could think what they wanted, or…they could choose to believe Phoebe, who’d pretty much told anyone with a pulse that her daddy and Mr. Tanner kissed… a lot.
“Is that true?” Jax had asked one morning over donuts and coffee.
“Yes. Maybe. But…it’s complicated.”
Jax had stuffed an apple fritter in his gob and nodded. “Real complicated. He’s leaving soon, Tan. I just checked with him to be sure for payroll purposes. He didn’t sound like a man who was thinking of changing his mind.”
“I know.” I’d sipped my coffee and stared out the window. “Don’t worry. I know the score.”
And I did.
That didn’t mean I was okay with it. At all.
It seemed pretty fucking unfair to meet someone who felt like a breath of fresh air after suffocating in a safe space for far too long.
But life wasn’t fair. I knew better than to waste time wishing for more. In a way, the holidays provided a fortuitous distraction. I tossed out seasonal ideas while we fed the horses, checked on the herd, rounded up Nellie and her kids…
“You haven’t seen the holiday boat parade in the harbor. Let’s go.”
“I heard there’s some snow on the ground in the mountains. Want to take a drive? I’ll bring Lila and Gordy. They love the snow.”
“Vicki is hosting a cookie-decorating party for kids at her shop. Phee will love it.”
Axel usually grunted, but then he’d tip his hat and flash a lopsided, lazy smile. “Sure.”
We included Phoebe in most of our outings and occasionally invited Abby or Sydney.
Like today.
The girls frosted sugar cookies at a kid-sized table at the Cantina while we sipped hot cocoa at a nearby window seat, ranking our favorite Christmas movies growing up, sprinkles or no sprinkles on desserts, and how old we were when we stopped believing in Santa Claus.
I loved Elf, Axel loved Home Alone, and we each gave a thumbs-up to sprinkles.
As for Santa:
“I was ten. My mom left the price tags on the box of Jax’s Megatron Transformer and crushed my soul,” I lamented, licking whipped cream from the rim of my to-go cup, tapping my feet to “Last Christmas” being piped through the speaker system.
Axel snorted. “Poor baby.”
“I was traumatized. I literally cried. She denied it, and she was pretty convincing. Something about the elves using stickers to help local stores, so grandparents would know where to buy toys too. Like advertising.”
“Whoa. That’s clever.”
“Yeah, my mom was smart.” I arched a brow. “I let it slide that year and decided I might have been mistaken. But I was a suspicious little shit and once you start to question magic, it slowly slides away.”
Axel sipped his cocoa. “That’s heavy, cowboy.”
I chuckled. “Like I said…devastated.”
“I was nine. I caught my dad assembling my sister’s bicycle, and the jig was up.”
“I didn’t know you had a sister.”
“Hmm.”
I frowned. “Does she live in Texas?”
“Yep.”
I could take a hint. The grunted and monosyllabic responses indicated that we’d wandered into murky waters, but I pressed anyway.
“You’re not close?”
“No.” He studied Phee, who was intensely focused on putting red candies on a snowman cookie’s belly. “I had a falling out with my family when I was twenty-one and was told to pack my bags and never come back. I didn’t have to be told twice. It was Christmas morning.”
Dangerous territory, I mused as “Last Christmas” gave way to “Santa Baby.”
Don’t ask, don’t ask.
I asked.
“I’m sorry. That’s—what happened?”
“They found out I’d been ‘sexually acquainted’—that was the phraseology, I believe—with someone at the ranch. Another man. He got fired, I got kicked out of the house, and that was that.”
“Are you serious?” I huffed, outraged.
“Yeah.” He waved dismissively. “That’s twenty-year-old news. I’m over it.”
Somehow, I doubted that.
“Do you see any of your family at all?”
“I don’t have a family. My parents are both dead, and my sister married a hellfire and brimstone preacher out of high school.
It was a sudden excommunication, and I didn’t deal with it well, as you might imagine,” he said sardonically.
“I went from being an average college kid supported by his folks to being dirt poor overnight. I had to get a student loan to finish college. That took a minute. I worked as a valet, a bartender, did some construction—whatever it took to make ends meet. I also felt sorry for myself, hung out with the wrong crowd, doing shit I shouldn’t have been doing, which delayed graduation.
I eventually got my degree in business and a nine-to-five job at an ad agency. ”
I huffed in amusement. “I can’t picture you behind a desk.”
Axel inclined his head. “I went stir-crazy in a hurry. At thirty-one, I had a come-to-Jesus moment. The kind where you reevaluate your path. Just because I couldn’t go home didn’t mean I had to give up what I’d always loved.
Plain and simple, I missed being with animals, I missed the camaraderie of ranch life.
I quit my job at the agency to work at a cattle ranch in Colorado, went to veterinary school at night in between shifts as a bouncer at a dive bar. ”
“That’s where you met Mel.”
“Yes.” His voice cracked as he shifted toward Phoebe.
“Does she look like her mother?”
“Spittin’ image.” Axel stroked his beard thoughtfully. “It hurts my heart to think of how much she wanted this little girl, and she never got to meet her. She’d be proud of Phee.”
I squeezed his arm and leaned. “She’d be proud of you too. You’ve done well.”
He covered my hand with his. “Thanks.”
Neither of us spoke for a long minute. We didn’t move apart, either.
We held hands across the table amid the strains of “Silver Bells” playing below the din of excited chatter.
I had no doubt we were noticed, but that didn’t bother us.
An invisible string had worked its magic, binding me to him somehow.
This connection was too strong to ignore now.
“Why Texas? I mean…why go back there? I get the impression it’s important to you, but it seems like it would stir up bad memories from the past.”
And you could stay here. I didn’t say that last part aloud. Don’t ask why. As an employer, I’d have offered the moon to hire a talented, reliable, and experienced vet-slash-ranch-hand. Especially one who’d become a valued addition at Oak Ridge.
As his lover…I wasn’t sure what to do.
I didn’t want him to stay for the job. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to me. Truthfully, I wanted something I wasn’t brave enough to ask for.
Axel’s expression was unreadable. “Two reasons. One, it’s a good offer.
Two, there’s an undeniable feeling of poetic justice to go home on my terms…
as Dr. Axel Vogel…at Christmastime. The ultimate fuck-you.
It’s not about forgiveness, and I don’t need anyone’s approval.
I just want the opportunity to reclaim what was taken from me—my home, my sense of security.
I’ll have come full circle and out on top, knowing my daughter will never doubt she’s unconditionally loved. ”
My smile wobbled a bit, but I nodded.
I couldn’t relate to Axel’s story. My mom and dad were the best people I knew.
I hadn’t hesitated to tell them I was bisexual and dating a guy in college.
The relationship hadn’t lasted long, but I was never sorry I’d let them know there was a whole other facet to me.
It was the same for Jax when he’d come out.
Losing my home? Nope. I couldn’t imagine being cut off as if I’d never mattered.
My heart ached for the young man he’d been and for the adult who’d struggled to find his path. And I hated that he’d lost his friend and that Phoebe had never known her mother. So much pain and suffering. And yet…he’d persevered. He was a talented vet, a wonderful father, and…
I wished he were mine.