Chapter 14 Axel
AXEL
Phoebe fussed with the ornaments on the tree, my phone fixed to her face.
“I think it’s the best tree ever. It has white lights, and red and green and silver balls.
And Mr. Tanner bought me a princess fairy ballet ornament.
She’s wearing a crown, and she has a wand, too.
And he got a funny one with a goat that’s s’pose to be Nellie.
Don’t you know Nellie? She’s the bestest!
She’s Mr. Tanner’s favorite goat. And Hazel is Daddy’s favorite.
No, she’s a cow and she’s going to have a baby and… ”
I smiled at the whirling one-sided conversation as I caught up with emails on my computer. Most of it was junk, but there was welcome letter from Pioneer Ranch.
We’re looking forward to having you on staff. It’s a wonderful opportunity for…blah, blah, blah.
I’d read it later and thumb through the rental listings they’d attached. With any luck, we’d be in a hotel for less than a week. The houses in the area were nice. At least as big as the bungalow. Phee would like it. So would I.
Eventually.
I closed my laptop and stared, unseeing, at the television screen with Frosty the Snowman’s face frozen on Pause. Why did I suddenly feel like I could relate to a snowman who was doomed to turn into a puddle? And did that even make sense?
Phoebe thrust my cell at me and asked me to turn her show on. I complied and moved into the kitchen.
“How’s it goin’, Kitty?”
She purred on the line. “Same ol’ same ol’. I think you’re the one with the real news. Who’s Mr. Tanner?”
I smiled automatically. “Tanner is one of the owners of Oak Ridge. He’s the one I told you about a few months ago. Not sure why Phee calls him Mr. Tanner, but he’s never corrected her and it’s kind of cute, and…you’d like him.”
Silence.
“Uh-huh.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing,” she protested. “You sound different. Less of a grump, you know. Maybe even…happy. So does Phee Phee. She’s always been a happy little chatterbox, but she has a lot to report. New friends, big adventures. Add a mysterious cowboy named Mr. Tanner, and my dirty mind is going places.”
I snorted. “You’re a menace.”
“You like him.”
“I do.”
“No, I mean…you like him.”
“I do,” I repeated.
“Cool. Then I like him, too. Tell me all about Tanner.”
“Kitty…we’re not in fucking high school.”
“You’re much older than me, sugar. We could never have been in high school together,” she taunted.
“Yeah, yeah.” I inhaled theatrically. “I like him a lot. And if circumstances were different, he’s someone I’d hope to know for a long time. But we’ll be gone within a week. Maybe less. So, the best I can say is, I’m happy and Phee’s happy. And I’m sure we’ll be happy in a new town next year.”
“Always go, go, go.” She sighed. “I hope you get to settle down someday. I think that would be good for you. Any-who, enough about you. Did I tell you I got a promotion?”
“Congratulations.”
“Thank you, thank you. I’m good at what I do and…”
I listened as I glanced out the kitchen window at my neighbors’ lights reflected on the glass. It was hard to see in the dark, but the feeling was one of intense warmth. Cozy, comfortable…homey.
But this wasn’t home.
No matter how much I wished it were.
The temporariness of our situation weighed heavier with each passing day.
I made ridiculous excuses to be in Tanner’s orbit.
Did he want to ride with me to check on the cattle I’d recently vaccinated?
Did he want to be there when I examined Sprinkles and Socks?
Did he want to talk about Hazel’s delivery?
Tanner was the owner of the damn ranch. He’d hired me to take care of those things on my own or with Lou or one of the other ranch hands, for fuck’s sake. But I was one needy SOB. I craved him in a way that rocked my core.
Maybe this would have felt less complicated if it were all about sex. Sure, the sex was phenomenal, but his smile was the thing that lit me up, and his laughter lightened the dark corners of my soul. Yeah, I heard myself. I sounded like a bad romance novel, but fuck it…Tanner was special.
I brushed the brood mare’s mane, chuckling at her brazen attempt to steal a carrot from my pocket. “A Christmas Eve carrot for my greedy gal. I’ll see you tomorr—”
“Axe! She’s in labor,” Hudson called at the stable entrance.
Hazel.
Lou had wanted to induce labor yesterday, but nothing had happened. Till now.
I hopped into Hudson’s golf cart. “How far along?”
He adjusted his Stetson as he veered right. “Her water bag is intact, but it’s visible, and she’s been restless for a good hour. Lou’s been with her, but he’s not impressed with her progress so far. Personally, I think he wants to go home. It’s Christmas Eve and—”
“He’s got a golf game.”
“Yep.”
Hazel was lying in her stall, panting while Lou, Josh, and Tanner huddled nearby.
Tanner passed me an apron. “She been up and down, very restless.”
“Dilated?” I asked.
“Not nearly enough,” Lou reported, peeking at his watch. “There’s no point in all of us hanging around. This could be a while.”
“You’re right. I got this, Lou. And Phee’s at your house, Josh. If you don’t mind having her for a bit, I’ll stay for the duration.”
“Yeah, of course she can stay. Do you have plans tonight?”
“Not really. We’re celebrating tomorrow,” I replied.
“Well, if you’re sure,” Lou hedged, already sidling toward the door. “Tanner?”
“Go on. Merry Christmas.” Tanner squeezed the older man’s shoulder and escorted him to the exit.
The three of us kept an eye on Hazel in shifts. Josh left to give Angie a chance to wrap some presents in peace. Tanner was gone for an hour, taking his dogs to Jax’s house and delivering a few gifts to friends in Christmas Town. Then I had some last-minute things to pick up for Phoebe in town.
By later afternoon, Hazel still hadn’t fully dilated, and holiday celebrations on the ranch were in full swing.
“Go on, Josh. I can handle this.” I glanced at Tanner. “We can handle it. Tell Phee I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“All right. Text me. Oh…and Merry Christmas.”
So here we were on Christmas Eve in a barn with a laboring cow.
“How many Christmases have you spent like this?” Tanner asked conversationally.
“A lot. You?”
“Same. Our dog had her litter on Christmas day when I was twelve. Best Christmas ever. We got to hold puppies all day. Our pig had her litter two days before Christmas another year. That was unusual. Like this. I mean, most ranchers plan breeding based on warmer weather. What was Dennis thinking?”
“He wasn’t thinking of anything but making money off the herd,” I huffed.
Tanner grinned. “It ended all right. You met me.”
“I did.” My tone was too serious. I tried to soften it with a smile that probably came across as a facial tic. Damn, I really was an awkward asshole.
“And you wanted my ass.”
I smacked his butt. “Watch your language around the new mother.”
Tanner snickered. “Sorry, Hazel. I—oh, there we go.”
Her water bag broke with a whoosh.
“That’s it, girl.”
“About time. We’re five hours in already.”
“She’s swollen,” I said, pulling on a pair of heavy-duty gloves to examine her just as her body tensed with a contraction.
“A few more of those, and she’ll be ready to push.” Tanner brushed hair from his forehead. “Geez, we sound like we’re talking about a human.”
“Same principle.”
“True. Do you think you’d want more kids someday?” he asked offhandedly.
“Yeah. I think Phee would be a great big sister, but—” I winced as Hazel strained in discomfort. “It’s okay, Haze. We’re right here. We gotcha. What about you? Do you want kids?”
“Definitely.”
He’d be a wonderful father, I mused, running a soothing hand along Hazel’s belly. The best. But I wouldn’t be here for that. He’d be with someone else and—
I was saved from unpleasant thoughts by the appearance of a nose and hooves. “Hey, I think she’s ready.”
Hazel’s contractions increased, her body trembling as she pushed her calf into the world. Tanner fetched warm towels while I spread clean hay in the stall, humming Christmas songs in the hopes that the sound might sooth the new mama.
Tanner hummed “Jingle Bells” with me, brushing my shoulder as he made preparations and updated the staff on our progress. “Oh, I think this is it.”
“I got him. Come on, Hazel. One more push for us. That’s it, honey. That’s—”
“A boy. Congratulations, Dr. Vogel.”
Tanner and I shared a celebratory grin, then quickly set about cleaning and caring for the newborn. Thankfully, Hazel took to motherhood like a pro. She was nursing her calf within the hour, shortly after Vic and Andy showed up for their shift.
We walked toward the cottages, high on a successful night. The moon was a thin sliver of light in a clear sky as we passed the giant festive wreath hanging from the side of the stable and continued along the path toward the bungalows, ablaze with holiday lights in the distance.
I stopped at the fence, perching on the rail as I pulled Tanner close. “We make a good team.”
He grinned. “We do.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek nervously. “Earlier when you said you want kids and…well, I hope that happens for you. I hope you—”
“Don’t,” he warned sharply. “I know the score, Axe. Don’t tell me you hope I have a good life or that you wish me all the fucking best. It’s too clichéd, and we’re not those guys.”
“Who are we?”
“Just a couple of idiot cowboys who like each other a little too much.”
I traced his jaw with my thumb and nodded sadly. “Come home with me. I’ll make you something to eat. We can watch a move with Phee, and put out cookies and milk for Santa.”
“Okay,” he agreed.
“I want to make love to you all night, and in the morning, we can—”
Tanner set a finger over my lips, then kissed me. “Tonight…yes.”
The sense of peace warred with fear of impending change. I was scared of what was coming, but I didn’t want to ruin the night with a melancholy mood. If this was our last, our only Christmas, it was going to be a good one.
We did everything on our list. We picked up Phee from Josh and Angie’s house with a promise to take the kids to see the new calf in the morning after unwrapping presents.
We took showers to wash the grime of the barn away, made a light meal, watched Elf with Phee snuggled between us on the sofa, and let her choose a few cookies for Santa before bedtime.
My exhausted little girl fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
Tanner turned on a playlist of Nat King Cole singing holiday classic songs. “Silent Night” drifted from the portable speaker as we cleaned the kitchen. He helped me set out gifts from Santa under the tree and reminded me to eat the cookies on the coffee table.
“I’ll eat one. You eat the other,” I said, handing him the plate.
He smiled, took the cookie, and tapped it against mine. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.” I kissed his temple and studied the tree.
It wasn’t a particularly grand tree, to be honest. It had a bald spot on one side and the top drooped to the left. And since Phee had done the bulk of the decorating, most of the ornaments were located on the lowest branches. Somehow, that made it all the more charming.
I added this moment to the memory book. And another when Tanner was curled beside me naked in my bed.
I traced the notches of his spine and kissed his shoulder as he slept.
My heart swelled in my chest a la the Grinch.
It stole my breath and made my eyes sting.
I noted his every detail—the curl of his eyelashes, the shadowy growth of beard on his strong jaw, the soft whoosh of air from his parted lips.
His nose twitched in his sleep and it was really fucking cute, and I was—
Fuck me. I was in love with him.
I was head over heels in love with this cowboy.
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, a lone tear leaking from the corner of my eye.
What had I done?