Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ESTEE
I leave Theo’s office, nearly stumbling over my own feet as I hurry down the hallway, away from the chaos swirling around us both. The corridor seems to stretch out longer with every step I take, my breath coming in shallow gasps as if the very air has turned into a heavy mist trying to keep me down. Once I’ve rounded the corner, I press my back against the cool stone wall, trying to steady myself.
My emotions twist like a storm-tossed sea, each wave carrying a different feeling—anger, attraction, doubt, and something I can’t quite name. I close my eyes, leaning my head back until it thumps against the wall behind me, wishing for a calm I fear will never come.
Gods, why is this all so confusing? I thought admitting earlier that I might’ve been blocking the bond would open my mind up to letting Theo in, but after speaking with Keera and being back in his presence, all I can think about is how infuriated this entire situation makes me.
No matter what problems he’s been faced with, how could he let things get this bad? I don’t understand, and I know that’s why I’m reacting the way I am. Well, that and the sudden flare of attraction that nearly consumed me back there. I can almost believe that the draw to Theo is due to a bond, but having my desire to be with him disappear nearly as quickly as I’m able to sense it is going to drive me mad. Hell, it already has.
How am I supposed to let him in or show him sympathy when he’s withholding information and I’m more confused than I’ve ever been?
The answer should be simple. I know I’m capable of offering him compassion without the whole story; I’ve done that a million times over with strangers throughout my many lives. Except Theo isn’t supposed to be a stranger— if my wolf’s intuitions are true, if he’s right when he calls me mate. He’s supposed to be more. At least in my mind. As much as I’ve feared having a mate, I’ve envisioned what it might be like to finally find my other half. Someone that I don’t expect to complete me, but who will complement my strengths and weaknesses, empower me to do all I aspire to do, love me beyond reason, and feel like coming home every time I look into his eyes.
It’s what my sister has with Asher, and I don’t want to settle for anything less, which is likely half the reason I’m so damn frustrated right now.
I tug at my hair as my chest vibrates. I’m exhausted from this situation, from the whiplash of emotions I’ve been spun around in since stepping onto that ship. I just want it all to stop.
“Estee?” Theo’s voice cuts through my thoughts like a blade. “I’m sorry. I didn’t like the way we left things and…”
I push away from the wall, straightening my shoulders as I face him. My chest strains as I take him in. I’m again forced to see that he’s more presentable today. I also can’t forget that he said something about going out and seeing his people this morning, facing them and acknowledging the problems within Selaris.
Taking all that into consideration, I have to admit that it wouldn’t kill me to start focusing on the positives a little more. No matter how muddled my heart is.
“It’s fine, Theo,” I tell him, keeping my voice even. “Our conversation wasn’t going anywhere productive, and I think some space will do us both good.” And because I feel guilty about how harsh I was before, I add, “Thank you for sharing what you did with me and for promising to do better. I know I didn’t make it seem like it, but your efforts do mean something.”
He blinks several times. “I appreciate that, but I didn’t come after you for an ego boost. I was more concerned with making sure you were okay. I don’t want to push you for more than I deserve at this point, but I’m not going to give up either. I’ll figure out this mess with our bond and find a way to make this right. All of it. With me, you, and Selaris.”
The sincerity in his words reaches deep inside me, and for a moment, I let myself see him as more than a broken king. I can’t ignore his strength and determination. Or his agony.
“What happened to you, Theo?” I ask him earnestly, because while I thought him lazy and incompetent before, I can’t deny that I’m sensing true sincerity from him now. Hell, if I’m being honest, I could tell he was frightened yesterday, but I chose to ignore that because it was easier to be angry with him than anything else.
Theo glances around the hallway as if the shadows might be listening, his eyes clouding with something like shame. “I’ve made mistakes, Estee. Choices that haunt me, but I promise I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix as much as I can. I know it shouldn’t have taken finding you to admit that things have gone too far, but I can’t change that now.”
There it is again—hope. A fragile, desperate kind of hope that tugs at the edges of my resolve. I want to believe him, but every stubborn instinct I have tells me not to. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more beneath the surface than I understand. And that maybe, just maybe, he’s trying to do right by this kingdom, however flawed his efforts have been. Yet, I don’t see my walls coming down anytime soon. Not until he explains how things got to this point.
“The moment I saw you, your essence was as bright as the stars for me,” he adds, his voice barely above a whisper. “You are the light I needed to remind me that things don’t have to be as dire as I’ve allowed them to be. My Starlight.”
“Theo…” I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to that. As sweet as his words are, I don’t have that same connection to him.
His smile relieves me of having to say anything else. “It’s okay, Estee. I’m just sharing to help you understand. I don’t expect anything from you, but I do hope for time. While you’re here, you can make as many changes of your own as you’d like. I’ve let Jerome know that anything you want done is authorized by me without asking. You might not officially be the queen of Selaris, but I’ve made it clear you’re to be treated that way until you decide what you’re doing.”
This is the conversation we should’ve had in his office—a rational one that focuses on solutions instead of problems. I almost offer to return to his private quarters so we can try again, but then Theo reaches for my hand, and when our skin meets, there’s a spark—an electric tingle that makes my breath hitch. He bends low, his lips brushing my knuckles, and my heart clenches at the sensation. I don’t pull away, and neither does he. An unspoken understanding forms in these brief moments of silence: this is a truce, a restart, nothing more.
“Thank you for staying and fighting for the people here.” He looks up at me with those dark grey eyes. Underneath the sorrow and regret is a determination I’ve yet to understand. “If you’re feeling up to it, please join me for dinner tonight. I’ll send Jerome to escort you, but if you’d rather stay in your room, I’ll understand.”
He releases my hand, and the moment his warmth leaves my skin, an emptiness settles in my chest.
I watch him retreat down the hallway, unable to respond. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, but at least I’m no longer consumed by irritation. Instead of questioning every aspect of what just happened, I choose to appreciate his attempt to relieve any ill-will between us.
Going back to my room, I decide to focus on the things I can do, especially since Theo’s given me permission to act as his queen. That thought sends a thrill through me, but I’m not going to examine that too closely right now. Though, because of it, I can do something for the pack, the shifters who’ve been shoved into the margins.
When I open the door to my room, Drea is there, perched on the edge of my bed with an expression of fierce determination that immediately makes my heart clench.
“Drea?” I say, closing the door behind me. “What’s going on?”
She frowns, leaning forward. “I was going to ask you the same thing. Did Theo threaten you or something? Everyone’s saying you’re to be the queen of Selaris, that it’s already decided.”
I’m stunned but not entirely surprised. He did say I’m to act as one without the official commitment. While the me from last night—or even an hour ago—might’ve wondered if he had an ulterior motive, I can see why he did it. If we show a united front, the pack will have an easier time believing that positive change is coming.
“He hasn’t threatened me,” I tell Drea, offering her a smile before gesturing for her to come sit with me. “In fact, I think we may have just come to an understanding.”
She takes a seat across from me at the dining table near the window. A slow smirk rises on her face. “And what kind of understanding would that be?”
“Not that kind.” I tell her with a playful roll of my eyes. “I want to help the pack here and being in a leadership position will allow me to do just that while I figure things out. It doesn’t mean I’m staying for good. I still need to know if I can trust Theo, but I do believe that he wants to see things change here. Sticking around to make sure that happens is as far as I’ve gotten.”
She watches me closely, her gaze thoughtful. “So, you still don’t feel the mate bond?”
My first thought is to tell her no, but that would be a lie, and with the back and forth of my emotions, maybe talking things out is exactly what I need right now. I recount my arrival at Theo’s office and the flare of attraction, along with the other flickers of a connection, ending with the conversation I shared with him in the hallway.
Drea lets out a soft sigh. “Damn. I almost feel guilty about meeting Orion now. You could really use a wing woman.”
I wave a hand in the air. “I can handle this. It just took me some time to wrap my mind around everything and see the situation in a way that seems more manageable. Yesterday, all I could focus on was not being able to accept Theo and how wrong this place feels. Now, I see that there’s something to figure out between the two of us and that Selaris is worth my time. The shifters here deserve that.”
A thought occurs to me as I look around my room again. “Was there a young girl in here when you arrived?”
She shakes her head. “Was there supposed to be?”
“There was.” And I really don’t like that Keera’s disappeared without my knowing where she went. I get up and go to the phone next to my bed. As I reach for the receiver, I notice another note.
Dearest Princess Estee,
I know you asked me not to leave, but I have a friend that I left behind at the church where we’re staying. She needs me more than I need to be here. I appreciate your compassion, and I know you expected my acceptance, but I can’t leave her like this. Not even for the comforts you’ve so graciously offered.
Please forgive me.
Signed,
Keera
Oh, that child. All she had to do was tell me about her friend or any other orphaned children and I would’ve found space for them in the castle. Now, it seems I need to go on a little adventure, find this church, and bring the kids back here.
I glance at Drea and grin. “How do you feel about kidnapping?”
Her soft chuckle fills the room. “Under the right circumstances, I’m not opposed to it. Plus, Orion is busy at work. Might be fun to get into some trouble.”
I knew she was my kind of people.