Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ESTEE
T he bond—the one I’ve so vehemently denied regardless of my attraction to Theo—slams into me with the force of a tidal wave and once the surface breaks, the connection to this man that I’ve only felt glimmers of, roars to life. A part of me thought that maybe I’d never get this moment, that the fractured pieces I’d been teased with, were all I’d find with Theo. Yet, looking at him now, easily losing myself in his gaze, I know he’s been telling the truth the whole time.
“I’m so sorry, Estee.” The frown on his face is the last thing I expect after finally calling him mate.
“I don’t understand.” Instinctively, I step back, feeling as though I should protect myself from whatever he’s about to say. “What happened just now?”
Except I can only manage a few inches of space between us before my wolf rises to the surface, demanding to be close to him. The need to soothe the hurt coursing through him is so strong that my hands tremble at my sides, making me unsure of what I should do.
The tether connecting me to Theo continues to pulse through my veins, tugging at my heart, but the fact that he’s keeping a distance from me now has the rest of me terrified of what he’s going to say next. Especially when it feels as though all the walls I’ve so carefully built up over the years have been torn down in an instant, and in their place, a flood of emotions crash into me—joy, fear, hope, but beneath it all, there’s something deeper, primal.
Theo .
Every cell in my body screams his name, demanding to be close to him, to touch him in ways I haven’t even dreamed of yet. I want to wrap myself around his warmth and never let go.
“Orix, the god I’ve somehow tied myself to…” Theo’s body shudders as he seems to struggle for words as he meets my stare. “I’m sorry, Estee. I don’t know if this is real or not. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m saying.”
“I don’t know why I couldn’t feel you before, but I do now,” I promise him. “You were right about us being mates. Why are you questioning things now?”
Even now, the need to touch him is all-consuming. I can’t fathom this being some sort of fabrication.
“Because Orix was just in my head and the things he said…” Theo grips the base of his neck as he looks away from me. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Minutes ago, after he admitted to killing King Airik, I wasn’t sure I could ever look at Theo the same, but now, there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s my mate. And after hearing what he’s been through these last few years, I can’t believe for one second that anything he’s done to get to this point has been filled with malicious intent. Whatever this god is doing, I’m going to find a way to end the suffering he’s attempting to inflict.
I might still need time to process all of this, but there’s no more denying the truth and I need Theo to still believe because the pull I have toward him is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. I know—deep down, in my bones—this is real. Theo isn’t just some stranger I met a few days ago. He’s my mate, and that truth crashes down around me, tearing apart the very foundation of everything I thought I knew.
The power of his scent—crisp yet earthy, like the woods after a raging storm—fills my senses, clinging to me like a comforting embrace.
I grab Theo’s hands, holding tightly to him. “I may not understand everything you’ve been through or how Orix is connected to you, but he’s not tied to me. I know what I’m feeling even if he’s somehow made you question everything.”
He leans into me, holding me close as his arms wrap around me. “This is what he does. He gives and takes and causes chaos. All for his own entertainment. I don’t want this for you. You deserve better.”
It’s no wonder Theo seemed so broken when I first saw him. He’s been through hell and there’s no end in sight to his suffering. I might have seemed like a light for him, but whatever Orix has done to his mental state now, has just set him back.
My heart wants to be the strength Theo needs to overcome this darkness, but the more logical part of me knows this is something he has to do on his own. I can’t fix this for him, not as his mate or even as an ally. But I can at least stop making things harder on him.
“We both deserve better,” I say confidently. “Once you believe that, everything will change.”
“Estee.” His voice is an agonizing plea, branding my heart. His eyes—those deep charcoal eyes that hold more emotion than I can begin to unravel—search mine, and I can see the regret, the pain, the longing in them.
“It’s going to be okay.” I don’t know how I know, but I do. There’s no other option. Not after everything we’ve been through in our pasts.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says so quietly that I’m almost not sure if I’ve heard him correctly until he adds, “You should run as far from me as possible. Whatever is happening here will only get worse. Orix told me to find you. He said he needs an heir from me.” Theo’s voice cracks as he pulls away from me again. “I don’t know what he meant or if he truly means to take a child from me that doesn’t even exist yet, but without knowing how to stop him, I can’t… I’m not strong enough to bear that kind of pain, Estee. And if something happened to you because of my choices, I’d never live with myself.”
“Whether I stay or go is my choice,” I tell him with a sharpness that I hope leaves no room for argument. “But if you need time to process whatever’s happened here today, then that’s different.”
As his darkening gaze meets mine again, it’s filled with agony and sorrow and fear. “I’m trying to be stronger for you, but what if I lost my mind the day my pack died? What if my spirit has been fractured and I’ll never know what’s reality and what’s an illusion? I want to fight for us, but if he’s always there, threatening to take it all away…” His head shakes. “I thought I could overcome this, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.”
Nothing has ever made my heart shatter more than hearing the torment in his words. This is so much worse than I wanted to believe, but there has to be a solution. Orix can’t have that much control, even if he is a god.
“Maybe the healer Elyn can help you.” I can’t believe I’m saying this given how crazy she seems, but I don’t know what else to do. “She came to Polaris when my sister and I first returned. Her methods weren’t conventional by any means, but they were effective.”
“I’ll have Jerome call for her and see what she thinks,” he says, though his voice isn’t as hopeful as I’d like as he meets my stare again. “I know I said you should go, but Orix threatened to hurt you if I didn’t find a way to make you stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I promise. “Not only because there’s no way I’m willing to walk away from the bond I now feel just because some god thinks he can control you, but because we both deserve better than either one of us running from this.”
The state of Selaris also isn’t far from my mind, but I don’t mention the pack to Theo. That’s not something he needs to worry about right now. He can’t help them before he helps himself.
His forehead presses against mine. “Thank you. Those two words don’t seem like enough, but I meant what I said before. You are my starlight. Even now, when everything feels darker than it has since the night my family was killed. I might not have the drive to fight today, but I’m going to do my best to find my way.”
I place my hands over his chest, feeling the beat of his tattered heart beneath my palm. “We’re going to figure this out.”
He nods, but then steps back and the distance is like ice piercing my heart, made worse when he tells me, “I’m going to go. Not because I want to, but because I have to.” His eyes plead with me to understand his next words. “I need to know that I’m not going to hurt you, Estee. I need to be right in my head and that might take a few days. I have no right to ask this of you, but will you wait for me?”
The sorrow vibrating off him has the bond pulling, taut and trembling, like a thread that’s both binding and fragile. A powerful reminder of what could be, and for the first time since laying eyes on him, I think I finally understand just how much is at stake.
“Take whatever time you need,” I say earnestly. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
He bows his head, seeming to succumb under the burden of his misery. “Thank you.”
My wolf whimpers as I watch Theo turn toward the door, seeing himself out without another word. Before I do something like beg him to stay with me, I look out the window, focusing on the twin moons high in the sky. He needs me to be strong and that’s what I’m going to be. The hurt over finally admitting that he’s my mate, yet knowing there are uncontrollable obstacles in our way, is nothing compared to what he’s already been through.
A few more days of space might be exactly what we both need.
The rumble from my wolf tells me she doesn’t agree, and part of me doesn’t either, but we’re going to find out regardless.