Chapter 11 #2
‘How long have you known?’ Mimi asked when they were settled around the kitchen table with mugs of tea and a plate of sandwiches.
‘I’ve suspected for a week, but I only did the test yesterday.’
‘And you never said anything?’
‘I didn’t want to get you all het up if it turned out to be nothing.’
‘Have you told Ben yet?’ Aoife asked.
‘No. It’s not really the sort of thing you can put in a text. I want to tell him in person if possible, so I’m waiting until he’s next in Dubin – as long as it’s fairly soon.’
‘Right,’ Mimi said, slapping the table decisively. ‘We’ve got lots to talk about. I’m going to ring Rocco.’ She pulled her phone out of her bag and stood.
‘Oh no,’ Sive gasped, ‘I don’t want to tell anyone else until I’ve told Ben. I think it’s only right that he should be the first to know.’
‘Or third,’ Mimi said, smiling wryly. ‘But I’m not ringing Rocco to tell him you’re pregnant, silly. I’m going to tell him I won’t be home for dinner. In fact, I’ll stay here for the night. We have far too much to discuss.’
‘Oh,’ Sive smiled, relieved, and glad that she’d have both her sisters with her tonight. It was exactly what she needed. She was feeling calmer about everything already, now that they knew.
‘And you won’t tell Jonathan either?’ she said to Aoife when Mimi had gone out of the room to call Rocco.
‘Of course not, if you don’t want me to.’
‘I wouldn’t even mind Rocco and Jonathan knowing, but then it’d be weird if Jonathan knew but couldn’t tell Sam. It doesn’t seem fair to Ben, for so many people to know before he does.’
‘It’s fine. It’ll be our secret.’
‘Right, that’s done. I’m all yours,’ Mimi said, coming back into the room. She sat down beside Sive. ‘So, how are you? How do you feel?’
‘Fine, so far. I mean, it’s early days, but I haven’t had any morning sickness or anything yet.’
‘That’s good. But I meant about the pregnancy in general. Have you decided what you want to do about it?’
‘I’m keeping it,’ Sive said. ‘Whether Ben wants to be involved or not.’
‘Well, congratulations then,’ Mimi said.
‘Yes, congratulations!’ Aoife gave her a wobbly smile and Sive could tell she was worried, her mind no doubt already racing with all the complications.
‘I’m really happy about it, Aoife. I mean, it’s not what I’d planned, but now that it’s happening, I’m glad. Honestly. It’s exciting!’
Aoife smiled weakly. ‘And you’ll be a great mum,’ she said softly. ‘But are you sure you’re ready? You’re so young. And there’s your career to think of …’
‘Is anyone ever ready?’ Sive said, injecting more confidence into her voice than she felt.
She desperately wanted to reassure her sisters that she was okay.
‘You know I’ve always wanted to have a family.
And who’s to say if I’ll be able to have one when I decide the time is right?
You can’t always choose the perfect conditions.
This is a chance to have a baby, and I want to take it, because who knows if I’ll get another one? ’
‘How do you think Ben will feel about it?’ Aoife asked, a little worried frown wrinkling her brow.
‘I honestly don’t know.’ Hard as she’d tried, she couldn’t imagine Ben’s reaction to the news. ‘I think he’ll want to be a proper dad … but I could be wrong.’ She’d been mistaken about Ben before. She hadn’t known him as well as she’d thought.
‘Do you think there’s any chance he’ll want to get back with you?’ Mimi asked. ‘Play happy families for the sake of the child?’
‘No, definitely not.’
‘Would you want him to?’ Aoife asked gently.
‘No.’ Sive was surprised by her spontaneous answer and how right it felt. ‘I’d like him to be involved, obviously. But for the child’s sake, not mine.’
‘Listen to you, starting to sound like a mother already!’ Mimi said.
‘What if he doesn’t want to be involved at all?’ Aoife asked.
‘Then I’ll be a single mum. I’m having this baby regardless.’
‘And what about Sam?’ Mimi asked, her face falling.
‘What about him?’ Sive frowned. ‘I told you he’s definitely not the father.’
‘I mean, what about the two of you?’ Her eyes widened, realisation obviously dawning. ‘Is this why you’ve been pushing him away?’
Sive shrugged, her smile slipping. ‘Well, obviously I can’t let anything happen between us now.’
‘It was going to, though, wasn’t it?’
‘Probably. But this changes everything.’
‘Not necessarily,’ Mimi said. ‘It might not put him off. Give him some credit.’
Sive was touched that Mimi was sticking up for Sam now. ‘You don’t have to convince me what a sweetheart Sam is. But that’s kind of the problem. I don’t want him to feel like he has to stick by me out of some sense of decency once he finds out I’m pregnant.’
‘I think Sam would be very happy to stick with you no matter what.’
Sive wasn’t so sure. ‘What guy wants to get lumbered with a girlfriend who’s having someone else’s baby? Besides, he’s too young to be tied down with this sort of responsibility.’
‘He’s the same age as you.’
‘That’s different. It’s my baby.’
‘So you’re just going to back off with him?’
‘What else can I do? It wouldn’t be fair to let him get involved and then pull this enormous bait and switch – oh, by the way, your girlfriend’s pregnant with someone else’s baby!’
‘Tell him now, then. Let him decide for himself.’
‘I can’t tell Sam before Ben. Nothing had happened between us anyway. We can just carry on as we are – as friends. It’s probably for the best.’ Sive wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince more, herself or her sisters.
‘Is that what you want?’
‘Not really,’ she admitted. ‘But it’s how it has to be.’
‘So how far along are you?’ Aoife asked, as if sensing that Sive wanted to change the subject. ‘When’s it due?’
‘I don’t know yet for sure. I only did the test yesterday. But it can’t be more than five or six weeks, I guess. I’ll make a doctor’s appointment next week.’
‘So we’re going to be aunties!’ Mimi said excitedly.
‘I have always wanted to be an aunt.’ Aoife smiled, and Sive was glad to see she appeared more relaxed now that the initial shock was over.
‘Me too!’ Mimi clapped her hands. ‘This is so exciting! Our first baby! Who’d have thought the baby of the family would be the first to have one? It doesn’t seem right.’
‘I won’t be the baby of the family anymore,’ Sive said with a smile.
She was relieved the atmosphere had lightened and she seemed to have successfully allayed her sisters’ concerns.
As they babbled excitedly about the baby, she couldn’t help wishing they’d all still be living together when it came, and they could raise it together in this house.
It wouldn’t seem like such a daunting prospect then.
But they had their own lives to live. Time moved on and things changed.
‘I wish Mum was here,’ she said, the thought seeming to come from nowhere. ‘And Dad.’
‘I know.’ Mimi clasped her hand. ‘Their first grandchild.’
‘And Detta,’ Aoife said sadly.
Sive nodded. ‘My baby will be making its stage debut before it’s even born. She’d have loved that.’ She felt tears pricking her eyes. ‘I wish my child could have a Great-aunt Detta in its life.’
‘But it’ll have us!’ Mimi said brightly, shaking off the sombre mood that had fallen over the three of them. ‘Two doting stagestruck aunts to carry on Detta’s legacy and three adoring honorary uncles to spoil it rotten.’
‘Three?’ Sive frowned. ‘Jonathan and Rocco, of course, but who’s the third?’
‘Sam. Even if you two aren’t together, he’s part of this family now and I’m sure he’ll be a very devoted uncle.’
The image this conjured in Sive’s mind gave her a pang. She could so easily see how Sam would be with a child – enthusiastic, thoroughly over-indulgent, full of fun… If only this baby were his. Then everything would be perfect.
‘So I guess this is why we’re all going skating tomorrow?’ Mimi said dryly.
‘Yes,’ Sive said sheepishly. ‘And it also means I shouldn’t skate.’ She’d googled it and it was definitely contraindicated in her condition.
‘Gosh, yes. I suppose it does,’ Mimi said.
‘But I’ll come with you for the apres-skate.’
‘That’s the best part anyway,’ Aoife said consolingly, even though they all knew it wasn’t true. ‘But what will you tell the others?’
‘I’ll say I twisted my ankle or something and need to rest it.
’ Everything was so different already. A week ago she could have gone skating with Sam on a real date, just the two of them.
She could have held his hand as they whizzed around the ice without a care in the world.
She could have clung onto him when she was slipping. She could have let him kiss her …
But everything was different now. Her life had changed dramatically in the blink of an eye and nothing would ever be the same again.
Afternoon slid into evening, daylight fading as they talked and talked.
They cooked and ate dinner, swaddling Sive in a blanket of cosy familiarity.
She went to bed feeling more sanguine. Knowing her sisters were just across the landing in their own bedrooms gave her a watertight sense of snugness and security.
But once she got into bed, her mind started whirring again and she couldn’t get to sleep as the reality of her situation hit her anew.
It was all very well talking about swing sets and first birthday parties with Mimi and Aoife, but what about the day-to-day practicalities of having a child? She had no idea how to be a mother.
One thing she did know – babies cost money, lots of it.
They needed bottles, nappies, pushchairs, car seats …
a car! They started growing out of their clothes the minute they were born.
How would she possibly afford it all? She was in a cold sweat just thinking about it.
And then later it would have to go to school and it’d need books and good shoes and money for trips and all sorts of extra-curricular activities.
Was she being ridiculous thinking she could do this?
Was it even fair of her to inflict herself on a child?
She sat up and turned on the light, her heart pounding.
She was starting to panic again. She needed to make a plan.
She was going to be a mother, she’d have responsibilities, another whole person completely dependent on her.
She couldn’t keep playing around at being an actress, that was clear.
She’d have to get a sensible, steady grown-up job.
She reached for a notepad and pen from her nightstand and started to make a list of what she needed to do to prepare for the baby – starting with ‘get proper job’.
But what? She wasn’t trained for anything except acting.
Although … she’d taken all those courses so she could add to the ‘special skills’ section of her CV.
There must be something there. Maybe she could be a yoga teacher or a barrista – she’d mimed both to great effect as a background artist. But neither of those paid very well.
There was day trading… whatever that was.
But she had a vague idea that some people made a lot of money that way.
She’d google it in the morning and do some more research.
She sank back against the pillows and switched off the light. She was still feeling jittery, but she finally drifted off to sleep through sheer exhaustion.