Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
They spoke on the phone nightly but didn’t have the chance to see one another again until the following week. Rodan was called once again for a fitting of something casual but gorgeous.
“I want to look free-spirited, but still care about my appearance. Something that says I’m easygoing, but can be firm when needed.”
“God, you’re annoying. I could just put a sandwich board on you and write all this shit on the front and back, or you can be quiet and let me work.”
“Meow. Someone’s cranky.”
Rodan held up one jacket, then another as he confessed, “Ferman wants to adopt kids, or spew my precious sperm in a cup and find some surrogate.”
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“Can you see me, some hausfrau with an apron, scurrying around after some unkempt toddler?”
As he laughed, Benson had to think quickly.
He knew Rodan and his husband would make some child wonderful parents.
“A child of yours? Unkempt? I see your child dressed epically, the absolute envy of his or her preschool. I see Ferman using his culinary skills to whip up the lightest and most delicious desserts for their parties, and you will hand out fashion tips to the other housefraus to liven their lives a little. It could be fun.”
The suit coat dropped from his hand as his jaw dropped as well. “My word. Think of it!”
“And of course, I’d babysit.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I wouldn’t hear of it. With your taste, or lack thereof, you’d make my child a savage. He’d run around in sneakers and, God forbid, K-mart T-shirts.”
“Is K-mart still a thing?”
“Well, if it’s not, I’m sure you’d find Baby Gap to make up for it.”
The thing was, he was right, but Benson didn’t care what the kid wore, as long as that kid knew he’d never have to worry about anything. And he’d, or she’d, be loved unconditionally, which was better than any fashion or toys Benson could give.
A child. He’d always wanted one. Thinking of Luka, however, he was unsure if Luca would want a kid. The way he felt about his own childhood, he might be terrified to bring a child into the world.
Still, Benson could dream.
Like he’d waved a magic wand, Rodan got back to business and picked out a linen suit for him, with the most beautiful silk white tank underneath the coat, all while he listed all the things he’d buy the child only a moment before he hadn’t wanted.
Benson left the apartment happy that evening, assured that some little kid or baby would have two loving, doting parents soon.
Luka had insisted they meet at the restaurant, as he’d been rehearsing just down the street. Brightening as Benson walked in and was taken to their table, Luka tossed the menu in front of him and said, “You look like you’re on this menu.”
“Good enough for a nibble or two, huh?”
“For sure.”
He bent over Luka and laid a sweet but deep kiss on the man, leaving him swooning. That was an ego boost and a half, leaving a man swooning.
As he sat, he said, “Have you ordered?”
“Um…no offense, but if some accident befell you, if I’d already ordered even a drink, I’d have to take out a loan for the bill.”
“Sorry. I was…I was talking a friend into taking the plunge to have a kid with his husband.”
“Oh? Why did he have to be talking into it?”
Benson barely heard the question, so involved in staring over at Luka. He was wearing blue, blue that deepened the color of his eyes to sea blue instead of the light steel color it usually was.
And his lips…Luka had the best lips. Full, pouty and wide when he smiled.
“Benson?”
“Huh?”
“You’re spacing out. What’s up?”
He knew he couldn’t lie. There’d be no point. “I was taking in the beauty across from me. That’s all.”
Luka bit his tongue as he smiled. That was possibly the sexiest thing he’d ever seen.
The waiter came over and took their order, then Benson reached across the table for Luka’s hand. “It’s been a very long week. I missed you.”
“Weirdly enough, I missed you too. I don’t think we should move so fast, but…I don’t think either of us can stop it.”
It was strange that he felt the same. It was like they were on a runaway train that was barreling toward some unseen destination, and they couldn’t stop it, no matter how they feared the unknown.
His hand squeezed Benson’s. “Are we being stupid?”
“No. I think we’ve never found someone that knew how the world looked to us. Though sure, we see it differently, we still see most of it as foreign and dangerous.”
“It is. And we know that. We know how painful it is to have nothing.”
“But how freeing it is too, Luka. I have a lot now, and it feels like a weight on me every single day. It did until I met you. Now…I see all this weight as…”
“Something that someone can help you carry.”
“Yes.”
“Well, a couple million would lessen that load for you. Go ahead and send it right over,” he teased. “But really, I know the weight thing. The weight of the jobs we must do to get there are…too heavy. Every day I want to quit.”
“Me too.”
They ate while they talked of lighter subjects, but the night didn’t end when they left the restaurant. They took in an off-Broadway musical and then went for drinks at a nice, quiet bar in Hell’s Kitchen. The entire evening, they could barely keep their eyes on anything except each other.
When it came time to say goodbye, Luka grew bold and asked in the cab, “Take me home with you.”
“Luka, are you sure?”
“Well, I didn’t say we had to do anything. I’d like to see your place. Maybe…maybe a drink, more talking. I enjoy talking to you, and I haven’t enjoyed talking to anyone in a very long time.”
Benson gave the cabbie his address, then sat with his arm around Luka, feeling like he’d finally reached the top of the peak.
The money hadn’t done it; it had only taken him up that mountain so far.
Having someone for maybe the first time in his life, that made him crest the summit, seeing the entire world around him.
They entered his place, and Luka was in awe at the opulence of the building itself. The mid-century modern that he loved was the décor in his place, with teak floors, sleek lines of the furniture and all of it in soft whites and browns.
“It’s beautiful here.”
Benson opened the blinds to show off his view of the city, and Luka’s fingers threaded his as he looked out on the city they knew as home. “It’s too quiet to be Manhattan.”
“From here, it is.”
“Feels…lonely, but everything does. Everywhere does.”
Like he’d said it himself, Luka spoke what was on his heart.
He took Luka to the sofa and poured them both a scotch before joining him there. The sofa was long and narrow, comfortable as he could find, and Luka scooted over to him as they sat and drank.
After they’d both finished the first scotch, Benson’s inhibitions waned, and he asked, “What you said before, about being lonely. What did you mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Just…I’ve always felt like I was on my own. No matter what or where I was. And, maybe it’s silly, but I felt like I would always be. Even if I fell for someone.”
“I’ve felt that way too, all my life. I always thought it came from being a latchkey kid.
My mom worked two and three jobs at a time, and I know she did it for me, to keep a roof over my head, but I missed…
everyone. It felt like I was so disconnected from humanity.
People I’d see every day, friends, teachers, it didn’t matter.
It felt like there was a huge wall between me and all of them. ”
“Exactly. I…I guess it took someone to understand that? I don’t know, but I don’t feel lonely with you. It’s so fast, and so…stupid! I keep telling myself it’s your money that is attracting me, but it’s not. Not really. It’s…not feeling alone anymore.”
“Luka, we don’t have to stress out about all of it. Let’s just spend time together and see where it takes us. I’m already tired of second-guessing the way I feel about you. My assistant said I was looking happier than ever, and she’d know. She watches me like a hawk.”
“Why?”
“I’m too nice. I am not a snake in the grass with business, and it could lose me a lot of money at times. She’s there to make up for my niceness.”
“Oh. Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to do with a lot of money, but I think I’d be okay. So far, the money for the play is…taking so much stress. I guess I’m not wealthy enough to worry over having too much yet.”
“Yeah, it’s weird. I thought, hey, I’d just finally get to coast, but it’s hard. I have many people working under me who depend on me. And Joyce hates that I pay them so much.”
Luka laid his head on Benson’s shoulder and whispered, “I like you pay them well. If everyone did, there would be a lot fewer little boys like us who felt so alone and who felt like they had to fight so hard not to stay poor.”
“Exactly why I do it. I want their kids to never have to eat mac and cheese while they dreamed of having their own laptops for playing games, like their friends all did, and having to wear the same dirty pants three days in a row because their moms were too busy to get to the laundromat.”
“Or they didn’t have the money for it.”
“That too.”
“I used to steal quarters once I got old enough to heft mine down the three flights of stairs. People left their quarters lying around a lot. I was a cute kid; they never suspected me.”
Benson chuckled with him. “Now I have a laundry service. It feels strange, sending my laundry out to strangers.”
“Better than using some of those machines!”
“God, that’s so true. They could get really nasty.”
Their laughter at the things they’d experienced was good, like it was cleansing them both of something that at one time had defined them as destitute and the lowest of the low. That feeling never truly left, but it could be covered by things.
With laughter came the realization that they were possibly meant to be together.
For once, they’d help each other heal from the trauma of poverty and loneliness.
It would be too much to ask, but there he was, in Benson’s arms, and as their lips met, it felt right, like his whole life had been leading there.
Luka moved to crawl over him on the sofa, and Benson felt helpless to stop letting his passion take over his better senses. No, they were grown adults and knew better than to act like a couple of love struck kids, but the way Luka made him feel…
His smile, his flashing eyes, the way his hair hung over his forehead, all of it gave Benson fluttering in his gut and a need that he couldn’t help but let take him over.
Luka slid off him and stood beside the couch, holding his hand to Benson. “It’s time you made love to me, don’t you think?”
If he were thinking, he’d say no, that it was too soon, that the moment they were in the middle of making love, he’d be lost forever, but he realized he was already lost. All he wanted in the entire world was in those eyes. “I think you might be right.”
“Okay, so, I’d be all cool and sexy and lead you to the bedroom, but…I don’t know where it is. I’d try to be cool, and we’d end up in the pantry.”
“Perish the thought. How about I lead?”
“I think that’s perfect.”