Chapter Twelve
Patrick
Cooper’s panicked words rattled around my brain like metal screeching against metal.
“Clothes. I need clothes. Daddy, I need clothes.”
All this time, I’d told myself that, while I’d make a sucky boyfriend, I was still a good Dom. That was a lie.
I didn’t deserve the title at all because, in the face of my own turmoil, I’d abandoned Cooper, and even knowing that, I’d been too frozen to do anything about it.
After I’d dropped Cooper off, I’d got as far as parking my car outside my house, but I couldn’t even make myself go in.
The temperature inside the car was gradually dropping, but I didn’t care, couldn’t feel it. I was numb.
There had been this slow-building moment during the demo when I’d realised I’d be able to have this again.
Have something better than I’d ever had before.
A sub who wanted what I wanted. Who was sweet and honest and so fucking perfect he made my chest ache with it.
Somewhere along the way, I’d fallen for Cooper Bailey.
But then my baggage had shown up and reminded me why I couldn’t have him.
I’d fucked this all up. There was no point deluding myself that feelings hadn’t got involved on both sides, and all I’d done tonight is prove to both of us why I couldn’t be any good for him.
I was selfish. Even now, I knew the right thing to do was turn around and stay with him and make sure he was okay, but I was stuck.
Eventually, I dragged myself into the house and crashed on the sofa. It was two in the morning when I stirred. I grabbed my phone from my pocket to call my friend despite the unreasonable hour.
“Who the fuck has died now?” Jack grumbled but didn’t sound like he’d been asleep.
“Nobody. Why are you awake?”
Jack sighed. “Don’t really sleep great without Rory,” he replied, a raw honesty in his tone that generally only came with conversations in the middle of the night.
“I fucked up, Jack. I really fucked up and I don’t know what to do.”
“Preaching to the choir, Morgan. What did you do?”
I told him all about Cooper, which led to him threatening quite a lot of bodily harm to me, and I hadn’t even got to the ending yet. I’d tried to preserve Cooper’s privacy, but Jack knew the type of subs I was interested in, so it’d been a little futile.
“At the end of the demo, Max showed up.”
“Fuck,” Jack said.
“Yeah. Fuck. And I totally shut down. Didn’t provide Cooper any aftercare and I dropped him off at home and I’ve completely fucked it, Jack. The worst I’ve ever fucked up.”
I wiped at my wet cheeks and wallowed in the shame of what I’d done.
“What did you say to Max?” Jack asked.
“Basically told him to fuck off. I have nothing to say to him. I don’t even know why he’d track me down after all this time.”
“Hmmm.”
“What does that mean?”
“Maybe you should speak to Max.”
“Are you unwell? You hate Max.” I grimaced despite the fact Jack couldn’t see it.
“What I’m hearing is you won’t let yourself be with Cooper because you’ve never dealt with how things ended with Max. So maybe his reappearance is the world telling you to deal with it so you can move the fuck on?”
We were both silent for a while.
“I don’t want to,” I whined.
“Stop being such a baby. We’re too old for this shit, Morgan.
You’re too old for Cooper, let that be on record, but I know if you get your shit together, you’d treat that boy like a prince and he deserves that.
Speak to Max. Get some fucking closure and then live your life, and then in fifteen years, Cooper can leave your miserable arse and you’ll see your kids once a week and you can die alone just like me. Doesn’t that sound fun?”
Taking Jack’s advice for god knows why, I unblocked Max’s number and sent him a text. I hadn’t slept at all and was completely drained, but I still took a small amount of joy in telling Max that if he wanted to talk, he had to come over before I started work. Max was not a morning person.
It was half five in the morning when he arrived. He knocked on the front door, but I suddenly realised I didn’t want him in my home. It had become a safe place for me, somewhere without tainted memories, so I asked him to come around the back.
I met him on the back stoop with two steaming cups of coffee.
“Thanks,” Max said when I handed him a mug.
“Oh, no ‘Sir’ now? Was that just for Cooper’s benefit?”
Max at least had the decency to look sheepish over it.
“Sorry.” He scuffed the toe of his shoe against the step.
“What do you want? It’s been years, Max.”
Despite all the time that’d passed since I’d last seen him, Max didn’t look all that different.
Only now, his looks didn’t make my heart thud like they once had.
He’d had an ethereal appearance that I’d found beautiful.
Objectively, he still was beautiful, but I could see the rest now, too.
The pale blue eyes that only showed as much as he was willing to share.
The shy smile which I’d thought was for me, but in reality, had been part of the performance that was Max Grayson.
Though it’d only been hours since I’d seen Cooper, it made me miss him. Made me miss how much his eyes hid nothing and the earnest way in which he moved through the world. Loved by everyone who knew him because he was a kind and sweet boy at his core.
“I got a job. I’m um, working as a PA to a member of a band, and I’m gonna be on tour for at least the next two years.”
“Okay… Congrats?” This was feeling less and less relevant by the second.
“Where’s your boy?” he asked.
“At home. What’s it to you?” I really didn’t want to think about Cooper being at home on his own right now because the guilt was eating me alive.
“He doesn’t live here?” Max’s face was all scrunched up like he was confused.
“We aren’t together. It’s… casual.” The word tasted like ash on my tongue because it was a lie in every sense. Had I ever had a single “casual” thought about Cooper Bailey in my life?
Max snorted and looked at me like I was a fucking idiot, which was quickly making me regret letting him come over.
“Right… That beautiful boy you were showing off—”
“Demoing,” I cut in.
“Showing off and looking at like he hung the moon. Seems super casual.”
“Did you just come over to give me shit about something that’s none of your fucking business?”
Max rolled his eyes but then shook his head.
“No. I… About a month ago, I bumped into Markus.”
My stomach turned just thinking about that alpha prick. The fact every time I went to Foxholes I had to see one of the smug wankers I’d caught fucking my boyfriend hadn’t helped remotely.
“Good catch-up, was it?” I asked sarcastically.
Max took a deep breath. “Listen, I accepted a while ago that I have to live with the guilt of what I did, and I do. But when I saw Markus, he told me you’ve been ‘scene only’ ever since we broke up, and I know you pretty damn well, Patrick.
When I showed up last night, I was relieved, honestly, because I thought Markus must be wrong.
But now you’re telling me you’re ‘casual’ with that clearly besotted boy, and I can’t do much, but I want to try to fix some of what I broke. ”
“Yeah, you do? Get a fucking time machine, then.” I knew I sounded bitter, but I didn’t care.
Max huffed. “You are so stubborn you will spend your whole life miserable just to prove yourself right, won’t you?”
I glared at him.
“It’s not your fault that I cheated on you.”
His words landed like a stab wound to my gut. “I know that.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.” Logically, I did.
“I lied to you.”
“No fucking shit.” I laughed sardonically.
“When we first started dating, I really wanted to be with you so I lied. To you, and to myself. You were honest with me that the hard impact play wasn’t something you could offer, and I thought platonic impact play would be enough, but it wasn’t and I didn’t know how to tell you without you leaving me, so I went behind your back.
I lied to you, I wasn’t faithful and I broke us.
There was nothing you could have done about it. ”
“And that’s the fucking problem, isn’t it?” I spat. “I didn’t have a fucking clue what you were doing. Never suspected a thing. I’m clearly a fucking idiot, thanks for reminding me, Max.” I slumped down onto the step and stared down the garden path so I didn’t have to look at him.
“That boy you love is nothing like me, Patrick.”
“I know that,” I whispered.
“Then why are you punishing him and yourself because of something I did three years ago?”
Because I’m scared.
Max leaned against the brick wall, one foot propped up against it, and finished his drink.
“I’m gonna go. Just, please think about what I said?”
I nodded and glanced up at the man who’d become the supervillain of my story but who was really just a man. A clueless, flawed man who’d really hurt me but who’d never been meant for me.
Max moved to try and hug me, but I put a hand to his chest.
“We won’t ever be friends, Max. Good luck with your job.”
A gentle thud at the end of my garden stole our attention, and I smiled when I spotted my little fox friend sprinting down the path like his tail was on fire.