CHAPTER FORTY-ONE JESS
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
JESS
My alarm went off at six. I smacked it and rolled to my back, slightly panting.
A sex dream.
How old was I? All because he held my hand, and the next morning he held my hand when we went to get my car?
What had I been thinking about, agreeing to that?
I knew. I hadn’t wanted to be strong for one fucking night.
I’d wanted a ride home, but it wasn’t even that. I’d wanted it to be him giving me a ride home. How stupid could I be?
My phone buzzed, and I grabbed it.
Val: Drinks after gun training. You in? Little Micky is transferring. They want to do a send-off the right way.
God, yes. This was perfect. A night with our colleagues.
Me: Fuck. Yes. Where are we drinking?
Val: Bear’s Pub.
Oh. Fuck no. That was Bear’s bar, and I wasn’t saying fuck no because it was his place, but, well .
.. because it was his place. There’d be conversation done between him and me, and it would center on my mother, and thinking back on Trace’s sister’s revelation, I was filled up with the need to not see or deal with or talk to my mom.
She hadn’t been blowing up my phone since Saturday, so why would I want to seek more of her out? Still. I groaned as I texted back.
Me: Sounds good. Time?
Val: Who the fuck knows. Whenever everyone finishes their shifts.
Me: Why are you going? You can’t drink.
Val: I can smell it. I can pretend. Don’t take this shit from me. I need it.
Me: Is Officer Reyo going to be in attendance?
Val: Fuck off. See you at training.
Right. I laughed but then groaned again.
That sex dream was still with me. What was wrong with me? Oh, right. I had horrible, horrible taste in men, but Trace wasn’t horrible. He was amazing. What his family did, what he sometimes helped with ... I needed to stop thinking about it.
I’d need a hard workout this morning.
Bear was behind the counter when I walked in.
In a way, he resembled his pub. He was shorter, around five six, but he was built like a literal tank.
He kept his head bald and clean, the same way he kept his bar clean.
His pub was small, closed in by bricks on the inside and out.
He’d kept the old building’s charm when he’d done renovations.
He was ex-military, and when he’d come back home, bought this place, the word had gotten around.
Veterans, cops, firefighters, paramedics, and sometimes hospital staff showed up too.
Bear saw me and gave me a slight chin lift. I returned it but bypassed him for the table I spotted Val already had claimed. We were far in the back, and knowing Val, she would’ve had a private word with Bear to only bring her nonalcoholic beer. Bear being Bear, he’d probably comp her drinks.
That was just Bear.
“Officer Montell.” Val wasn’t alone at the table. Brian Wittel was there, and judging from the very not subtlety of Val wiggling her eyebrows, this was a date setup.
I slid onto my stool and gave him a nod and small smile back. “Officer Wittel.”
I liked Brian. We’d hooked up in the past. He was a good cop, kept himself trim, and he kept his mouth shut.
Whenever he was on a scene for one of my guys, I knew I didn’t need to worry anything extra would pop off.
He was as professional as professional came for us.
Plus, he was easy on the eyes. Handsome.
He had dark features, and he was good in bed.
The past with us had been clean, no messiness.
We’d hooked up with the understanding if the other wanted another go, just send a text.
No strings. Nothing else. Val knew about the hookup, and I was guessing this was payback for me messing with her about her Officer Young Stud.
I glanced around and didn’t see him. “Where’s Little Romeo?”
Brian started laughing while Val growled at me. “Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! Okay?”
I frowned. “Sore spot? You guys break up already?”
She hissed under her breath, half rising out of her chair and leaning over the table to me. She pretended to give me a whack on the face. “That’s still under wraps.” Her eyes darted to Brian. “Except Brian knows, but no one else. Okay? Got it?”
I laughed as Bear showed up at our table, sliding a pint in front of me. “I was figuring Brian knew but wasn’t totally sure. Hence the code name Little Romeo.”
She gave me a withering glare. “Brian knows because he caught us leaving my apartment building.”
Brian laughed. “Perks of living in the same building.”
I turned to Bear. “Thank you.”
He gave a small nod. “Been a while since you came in, but figured you’d want what you usually drank.
” Bear knew I’d drink anything he brought over.
That was respect for him, but his gaze skirted the table before landing back on me.
He gave a slight nod toward the corner and dropped his voice. “A word in private?”
All laughing went by the wayside. I slid off my stool.
“Sure.” I shared a look with Val before I followed him to the back corner. He led the way through into his kitchen, and he didn’t stop. The cook was in the back, and he raised a knife in the air. “Heya, little Jessie!”
“Hi, Tony. Food smells delicious tonight.”
“Always, but especially for you tonight now that I know you’re out there.”
I grinned back before going into Bear’s office.
He stepped back and waited to shut his door.
I moved to the side. He had two windows with the curtains both drawn, a desk, a chair, and a love seat, which was pushed up against the wall. The love seat was covered with files and papers, and Bear didn’t sit, so that told me this was going to be fast or uncomfortable.
Either way, I tightened up my resolve and waited, getting prepared for whatever he was going to send my way.
“This about my mom?”
He shook his head, a sad look flashing for a moment. Disappointment was next, and that was a gut punch. Bear nodded and then shook his head. “Yes and no. She was a mess when I went over there.”
I shifted back on my feet. “What kind of a mess?”
“She was passed out when I got in, but she woke when I was leaving. She started in, swearing at you, swearing at me until she realized who I was. She stopped with me, but not you. The things she said, they alarmed me, Jessie.”
I lined my insides with steel, not letting anything in.
He said, shaking his head, “It’s not right, Jess. Not what she said, not what I just saw you do. You walled yourself off, and I’m getting that it’s a coping mechanism. I know enough psych to know the reason for that, but it ain’t right.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to do about it? You’ve been around enough. You know how she feels about me. I check on her, but I try and stay away as much as I can. She’s a drunk. Sometimes she’s worse than other times.”
“I’m not saying you should do more.”
He was talking gentle with me. I could feel his pity, and I hated that.
He added, a gruff drop in his voice, “I’m saying maybe you should step back completely.
Your mama, things in the past shaped how she is today.
It ain’t your fault. No one thinks that, even her, but she’s angry.
It’s turning her bitter and hard. She’ll get worse.
” He looked away, and it was then I clued in that he was nervous for this talk.
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down once before he looked back to me.
“I had a talk with Leo one night. He said he’s worried about you. Can feel something’s going on.”
I gritted my teeth. “He say my work performance is slipping?”
“No. Your work is up to usual standards, which is high. You’ve always been a good worker.
That ain’t the issue, but we get feelings in this business.
You know it. I got ’em when I was overseas, but so does Leo.
Something’s off with you. We think it’s time you step back from checking in on your ma.
Totally back off. Let us step in. We’ll take over. ”
They thought it was my mom bothering me.
A wave of relief and guilt hit me all at the same time.
“What are you proposing?” My voice cracked.
“Stop worrying about her. Leo and me, we’ll check in on her every day.
I ain’t married, and neither is he. We’re old bachelors, know this is how it’ll be for us for the rest of our life.
We got some extra time carved in our daily.
He and I both care about her. I been taking care of your mama since we were in sixth grade.
This ain’t no different, but you’ll just know I’m watching over her.
You step back. Stop worrying about her, and do your thing.
We got her. We’ll have your back on this. ”
The thought of not worrying about her? Because she weighed on me. Every day. I gave up a long time ago trying to get her to stay sober, but I got her to stop going out. She drank at home. She was a danger only to herself that way, but even in that way, there was only so much I could do.
She hated me, blamed me for everything wrong in her life.
Maybe it was for the best.
I jerked my head in a stiff nod. “Fine.”
His eyes closed, and his shoulders slumped down. “We’ll let you know when we need you with her, but it’ll be a while. We’re going to try and work on her, get her into a sober house or something. We’re not just going to check on her—we’re going to try and help her.”
Right. Because that’s not what I’d been doing. They’d do better.
That burned. But, fuck.
I was blinking back stupid annoying tears, and my throat was rubbing up against a knife in there, but it was what it was.
They’d help her. They’d do what I never could.
My voice was rough when I grated out, “Thank you, Bear. I appreciate it.”
“She—”
I was gone before I could hear any more. I needed to leave.
I raised a hand as I sailed through the kitchen. “Great night, Tony!”
He said something in return, a jovial greeting, but I didn’t hear. There was a pounding in my ears as I went back to the main area and found my table. I’d left my coat there.
Val was asking me something, but I couldn’t hear her either.
There was a wall of emotion stuck between me and everyone else, and their voices were all muted.
I said something. Again, no clue what it was, but I made sure to scan all of their faces. The guys who didn’t know me gave a grin and nod my way. Only Val wasn’t buying it. And Brian. His gaze was clear, watching me intently, and his eyebrows dipped just slightly together.
I gave a wave, put down some cash for my share, and started to leave.
I was out of the door, halfway through the parking lot, before I realized someone had followed me.
“Jess—hey! Jess.” A hand touched my arm, and I whirled around, my arm up to block them, when I saw it was Brian.
He put his hands up in surrender, stepping back, but he zipped up his jacket. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he raised his chin up to me. “What’s going on with you?”
I looked past him to the door. “Val coming after me too?”
He frowned but shook his head. “She saw I was coming, so she stayed. What’d Bear want? What’s going on?”
I shifted on my feet, feeling a restlessness inside of me.
Maybe I should tell him. Brian was a good guy, but dammit. There was a distant understanding between us, and that was the key word. Distant.
No. I couldn’t share. That’d be wrong. He and I didn’t do emotional shit like that, but I was giving him a different sort of eyeing now. The one-night stand I’d been intending to do but had been too chicken to follow through with. Brian. I could use him for that.
I started to reach for him before I realized I’d made my decision.
I took hold of his jacket, pulling him to me, when his head jerked to the side. He didn’t move except for his hand snaking out and grabbing hold of mine, now on his jacket. He just held me there, giving me that intense stare, and then he moved in a flash.
His body hit mine, and his lips were on mine, and I was being pushed back against the truck behind us.
Yes. Yes. Yes!
Heat surged up in me, but then no. No. No.
A foreign and alien feeling came over me.
I knew his lips. My body started to respond to them, but another rejection surged up in me.
This wasn’t the mouth I wanted on mine, the body against mine.
I tried kissing him harder, forcing it. He responded by gripping the back of my head, his mouth opening over mine, and his tongue slipped in.
No!
I moved him back, my mouth hanging open, because what had I just done? Why? Why not him?
He was a better fit for me.
I could keep going with this life how I wanted with him.
But my body was shaking, and a coldness invaded me.
“What’s wrong?” He was panting a little bit. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”
Yes, but not him.
I felt hollow once again, and I was starting to think I’d always be hollow.
“It was, but ... I’m a mess right now. I gotta go home.” I waved a hand toward him. “Before I do something I’ll regret.”
He flinched before stepping back again. “Didn’t think we were like that, but okay. I can take a hint.” He began walking back to the bar. “Take care of yourself, Jess.”
I started after him. “Brian—”
He ignored me, the door slamming shut behind him.
Goddamn. I was making a mess of everything around me.
My phone buzzed then.
Trace: Where are you?
I closed my eyes, because just a text had my body warming all the way back up. Him. It was him for me, and my body had chosen, and I was so screwed.
But I responded, giving in once again.
I was sliding toward those gates of hell.
I was starting to welcome the heat of being wrong.
Me: Heading to my place now.